Here's a good thread on EPs.
Extraordinary Precautions by HerPapaBear

The above quotes are from you about WH's SA. BH is right. MB's will not work until WH is in recovery himself from the addiction. The addictions center will try to untwist some of WH's twisted thinking. This takes time if he is truely SA.

If WH is not a SA then he is just trying to get out of the responsibility for his hurtful actions and behavior through his life. The link below is a good read.

Quote

From the article

Anything that you enjoy doing so much that you do it without regard for the feelings of your spouse will damage, and possibly ruin, your marriage. But that kind of behavior is not necessarily an addiction. It can simply be a selfish and foolish choice.

What is SA


WH's treatment plan and adherance to it will be his only hope to recover with you.

All I was trying to say is more time than normal may be spent with his personal recovery which would lead to a longer period before marital recovery can really even begin. Plain and simple if he (as you said) has cheated in every relationship then he more than likely is a seriel cheater. Not all seriel cheaters are SA's. M recovery can be extremely difficult with seriel cheaters from the threads I have read on here.





Keep this thought alive as he begins treatment. Addicts only understand stiff consequences. You do realize your walking on a rocky road and barefoot-right?

nESRE

PS:To quote a whole post hit the quote button at the bottom of the post. Delete out info you do not want or highlight the info you want to address.

You also can hit the quote mark at the top of this box and copy and paste between the quote marks.

Hey there 6877. It is all wrapped up into one big tangled mess, but the addiction aspect is huge!! That addictive mindset has influence over ever single thing. A friend explained that look at it as the umbrella of addiction. All behaviors, ie, deceipt, irritation or anger at getting in "trouble" for partaking in behavior, guilt for doing behavior, how they can't deal with the problems as a result of the behavior, the issues that behavior causes in the marriage, the anger/harsh words shown you b/c of their own feelings of guilt or resentment, their need to demonize you to justify their behavior, etc..... all fall under the umbrella of addiction.

We all have some of these anyway, but they are so magnified when they have to do all of these things to be able to do these behaviors. He has to break free of the fog, the hold that these addictions have on him to stand a chance of a lucid moment of seeing the destruction. It is hard to imagine that they can't see the path of destruction behind them, but they can't.

Having that break in fog/lucid mind will usually wake up addicts who really want better for themselves. Some, just can't wake up, don't want better, can't face reality and life and don't break the addiction. And, you know that there is always the chance that he could fall off the wagon at some point and start the behaviors again. He has to learn to recognize why he does these things. What are the triggers that drive him to cope in these unhealthy addictive ways? He also needs to develop better, healthier coping skills. He doesn't have good ones. When we don't have good coping skills, we turn to the "fun" things that are easy, and those are usually addictive. This addiction of his, his inability to face fears/things and the unhealthy ways he has learned to cope are so much bigger than you or your marriage. That is why you can't recover your marriage while he is sick with his addiction(s). Does this make sense? It took me a very long time to learn this and wrap my brain around it. He looks fine, he acts fine most of the time, but he isn't. The addiction drives him. When someone is controlled by an addiction, it is the only thing that makes them feel better. It is more important to them than anything else. It meets some inner need to feel good, to meet a need, to escape, to get that good feeling that they can't get elsewhere. It is just so hard to imagine. So, I tried to look at it as a balance issue - emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. You can't be good for yourself or anyone else if you are too off balance. Addictions would mean that person is extremely unbalanced.

You have a hard road ahead of you. It can be done, but you are going to have to be strong enough for the both of you. It might be the hardest thing you have ever done to force him into a treatment center. The stiff consequences nesre was talking about is right. You cannot budge. He will do EVERYTHING to get you to budge on your demands. You can't with addiction. They either get the help they need, work the program, make the changes, continue working the program, always work the program for life, did I say they need to work the program?!! Because, if he doesn't, he will not ever have a chance of finding the emotional balance he needs in life and to share his life with anyone else. You HAVE to hold him to the tough standard.

I am dealing with all of this too. It is hard!!!!

So, I was going to move my thread to recovery but I kind of need advice now. We had been doing well and he was going to his treatment every week but I just saw on his phone records he called her tonight three times. Just need someone to tell me what to do b/c I'm in shock and I just want to deal with it how I'm supposed to.

Can you update a little more about where your at with your relationship with him? Back living together-or ?

Did you have EP's set up?

nESRE

I have not let him come home, even though he's asked to over and over. It actually was one of the questions I wanted to ask on the recovery forum. The only thing that has stopped me was reading through the recoveries and everyone saying they let the spouse come home to soon.
We had some EP's set up, not talking to her of course was the first one. But since he was going to his addiction recovery place it was like everything was on hold for us. We have been spending more time together and talking more but I guess not enough. He said he called her b/c he misses talking to her and all I ever want is to talk about our problems. Maybe I should just file for divorce. He's never going to change and I don't want to fight over him, especially with this ugly POSOW. It's almost ridiculous she's so weird looking.

Your original post




You have not been married long, this is a repeated pattern for him and you have no children.

And today is more of the same.

Is this what you signed up for?

nESRE

No this isn't what I signed up for or wanted in a marriage. Honestly, I'm scared. The idea of living without him is terrifying. That doesn't make up for what's happening, I know this, but I am petrified.

The idea of living without him is terrifying.

The drama does not help your cause, my friend. You lived without him pre-marriage, and for all intents and purposes you're living without him now.

He has made his decision, by re-contacting her. Have you the personal integrity to manage your own life and well-being, or will you choose to be tethered to a corpse of a dead marriage?

No, I have the personal integrity to manage my own life. He made his decision.

6877

I pray IRL you have a support system in place. It helps to have one on one contact with real people where you live, work, and play.

Re-read what LB3 wrote to you a few posts back. He is going to test you and you have to be strong otherwise this pattern will never be broken.

I know for myself when I weighed it all out I just could not keep going on with an active alchoholic who kept going back to "Her drinking Buddy" over and over. The cycle has to stop somewhere. With him contacting her and then blaming you shows he has an extremely long ways to go with either recovery.

nESRE

Excellent!

Print out that answer. Read it every morning. You are the (only) engine of your personal well-being and recovery. Keep yourself well-tuned and operating at peak performance.

There you go, then.

I'm with the others and would get out of this.

So, here goes�..I decided after going through indiegirls thread that I would post. The reason I went through hers is b/c she is about my age, her husband never came back (I�m on page 114, not so far anyway), and I know she ended up divorcing him and was happy to move on at the time of her divorce. Scotland will be my next thread and honestly, I�ve wrote down so many I want to read I don�t even know where all the post-it�s have went. I want to plan B as Indiegirl has!!!!
So I�ve been lurking and reading, lurking and reading. My WH as I�ve stated is a serial cheater/sex addict, I don�t know at this point what he is. Everyone, or most, their were a few who cheered me on; were very adamant on me divorcing; I do understand this thinking. However, I do love my husband, and even though we have not been married long, we have been together for 6 years, and yes I really do love him. And even though he is a serial cheater, this is just as hard for me to do this time around, as it was the first time around. I still need support, I need someone to hold my hand as I go b/c I�m tired and my friends are tired so there is not as much support for me as there once was. People think they cheat and you should just leave. It is not that simple, but I wish it was.
I�m going to sum this up. My WH has come home repentant TWICE and gone again within 24 hours. This last time was tonight, after last night telling my DD(14) how sorry he was for being (f)up and he was going to do better. Wanted to do better and wanted to have family night, and blah, blah, blah. Today after work he tells me he just doesn�t know if he can stop talking to OW(Elvis), this has been her nickname from the beginning, I just never said b/c it�s mean why I(my friends) call her that. But I�m going to proceed with Elvis.
So I�m immediately going into plan B. I just want help, from people who understand that even though I wish with all my heart he would change, this is absolutely what I have to do! If Indiegirl is still out there, I need you, to help me go forward and know that there is some light out there; b/c all I see is dark. She said don�t be afraid of plan B, I AM AFRAID, but I�m going to do it.
I sent a text telling him that my IM is back in place and that�s the only way he can talk to me. I immediately blocked him from everything I can at home. I�m changing my locks tomorrow; my friend wants a picture of the receipt b/c I promised.
I may seem weak to some, and I am weak with my WH, but he wasn�t always this terrible, even though he has had multiple affairs. He seems wrong in the head, more than ever before. Even though he�s cheated before I never doubted he loved me, now I�m the enemy and Elvis is everything.
I�m not ready to divorce, no matter what anyone says. It hurts my feelings to even talk about it. Scotland said everyone should go to plan B first, but I know, on my life, that I have to Plan B, and get it right this time. I need help though�..

So do you have everything ready?

How to Plan B Correctly

Timing: Should have been doing it all along, he has repeatedly told he would do anything to stay married, and agreed on reading SAA and starting the worksheets, 24 hours later tell me he want to be with his Elvis and me. I told him I would tack care of it, hung up and immediately walked to computer and blocked him from everything. Sent him a text, saying he would need to talk to K to get to me. She was the first IM I used.
Details of HOusing: I live here, it's my house. Not an issue.
IM & IM Role: Yes, and she has agreed to again. I do need to get her some reading materail so that she can do it with some knowledge. She will be great.
Locks: Made promises to friends for pictures of the receipts of changed locks. Will do tomorrow in the morning.
Plan B Letter: I feel like there isn't any reason. I have declared my love for this man over and over and over. And as much as I wish he could change there really is nothing more he could do to be differant. He's a lost soul.
Addendum: We will go through my IM, he barely has anymore things here.
WS ATTEMPTS: Will be difficult, he will try to get to me withough my IM. I'll have to just stay strong with my new locks. I do plan on staying elsewhere off and on during my bad days.

I have to do this!!!!!

Sorry for all the mispellings, it's late and I'm exhausted from the days events, and I had a glass of vino .

Send this to your IM.
IM Training School

I encourage you to visit a counselor.
You need to work with the counselor and find out why you want to be with someone that is so uncaring towards you.
You cling to a toxic relationship.

Follow the plan b and stick with it.
Post everything you do here so you can receive feedback from people with experience in plan B.