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Letty #2649122 07/23/12 04:25 PM
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Hi all! We just got back from Paris, it was amazing. We had such a wonderful time, really great. We really reconnects and it was so nice. I saw the posts about alcoholism and AlAnon. I understand what you are saying although we don't have any such programs here so I would need to try to find out about it online. It is Ramadan now and DH will not drink for this month. (Don't ask about why it's ok other times, that's just how he is.) He has slowed down a lot and drank surprisingly little on our trip. I don't know how to approach this subject with him though because he has cut down a lot and it's like I feel it would be a huge LB just to bring it up.

BrokenMama #2657394 08/18/12 06:37 PM
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hi mama! sorry i missed your post. i am glad to hear the trip went well.

are you guys working the programme? remember, it is hard (and i know) to recover the M completely without using MB. UA time and EN meeting is imperative!

hope things are going well for you.


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
Letty #2657963 08/20/12 09:44 PM
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Hi Letty! So far so good! We are spending more than 15 hours of UA together as well as meeting ENs. I'm hoping they continue this way! I'm still always on the lookout, checking up and verifying and that makes me feel better. Thank you for asking, I appreciate it.

BrokenMama #2657976 08/20/12 11:02 PM
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Originally Posted by BrokenMama
Hi Letty! So far so good! We are spending more than 15 hours of UA together as well as meeting ENs. I'm hoping they continue this way! I'm still always on the lookout, checking up and verifying and that makes me feel better. Thank you for asking, I appreciate it.

so glad things are going well, and that you're continuing to do MB work! yay!


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
TinT #2676998 10/25/12 12:03 PM
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So this sucks. I just found WH whatsapp convo with some new skank. He asked get why she didn't reply to him, she said she just woke up. He asked if she's going out, she said no and he said good. Then she sent his a link to a short porn video. He didn't say anything after that and today the conversation was deleted. I'm at a loss. I don't know if I should plan a and snoop done more, or just confront him. I know he'll say it's nothing, he's sorry, it's a mistake, he's stupid and the same script as the other times. :'(

BrokenMama #2677565 10/28/12 06:34 PM
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So I found chats with his best friend talking about going to parties among other things like what time are the girls coming over. I told him I know and I can only assume he slept with them. I exposed to everyone and sent his best friend a sms starting that I know everything, of course he's denying it. That was last night. WH said today that he should be mad at me for accusing him and his friends of things they didn't do. We talked and I told him I know you did, He denies hanging out with girls but did admit to going to parties.

He jumps from being mad at me, saying I have been wanting a separation and I'm pushing him to it, I'm controlling and I don't want him to have friends, then saying he loves me and will do anything I want. Well, he was drinking and said he didn't know I sent his friend a sms, his friend didn't tell him even though they were together when he wrote back to me and they went for coffee this morning, he is.asking what did we talk about, how many messages. I told him that his friend was saying that WH wouldn't cheat, he loves me and that type of thing. That was about 4 hours ago.

I went to take care of babies and an hour ago he calls me in the other room, says "what did you tell my friend?" I said I told you, then he asked again and slapped me across the face. I left the room and told him to get away from me, if he touched me again I would scream and wake up his mom and our kids. He followed me into the bedroom and asked again what I told his friend. Then he said why am I saying anything to his friend and said I'm not allowed to ever talk to his friend again. It seems that he's more pissed offs about me messaging his friend than anything else and says that I'm accusing them when I'm misunderstanding their sms to each other, that they talk in slang that I don't understand.

Last edited by BrokenMama; 10/28/12 06:43 PM.
BrokenMama #2677603 10/28/12 09:37 PM
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Originally Posted by BrokenMama
So I found chats with his best friend talking about going to parties among other things like what time are the girls coming over. I told him I know and I can only assume he slept with them. I exposed to everyone and sent his best friend a sms starting that I know everything, of course he's denying it. That was last night. WH said today that he should be mad at me for accusing him and his friends of things they didn't do. We talked and I told him I know you did, He denies hanging out with girls but did admit to going to parties.

He jumps from being mad at me, saying I have been wanting a separation and I'm pushing him to it, I'm controlling and I don't want him to have friends, then saying he loves me and will do anything I want. Well, he was drinking and said he didn't know I sent his friend a sms, his friend didn't tell him even though they were together when he wrote back to me and they went for coffee this morning, he is.asking what did we talk about, how many messages. I told him that his friend was saying that WH wouldn't cheat, he loves me and that type of thing. That was about 4 hours ago.

I went to take care of babies and an hour ago he calls me in the other room, says "what did you tell my friend?" I said I told you, then he asked again and slapped me across the face. I left the room and told him to get away from me, if he touched me again I would scream and wake up his mom and our kids. He followed me into the bedroom and asked again what I told his friend. Then he said why am I saying anything to his friend and said I'm not allowed to ever talk to his friend again. It seems that he's more pissed offs about me messaging his friend than anything else and says that I'm accusing them when I'm misunderstanding their sms to each other, that they talk in slang that I don't understand.
He hit you. Are you going to leave?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrokenMama #2677621 10/29/12 01:23 AM
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No, I am not going to leave. I have 6 kids, including twin 1 year olds, it would be extremely hard for me to leave and this is the first time in 18 years that something like this happened.

BrokenMama #2677624 10/29/12 04:56 AM
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So what are you going to do, Mama?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
BrokenMama #2677627 10/29/12 05:37 AM
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I don't know what to do. Today he's mad, not speaking to me and I can tell he's pissed off. I can't make him leave, he won't go. I can't change the locks, I really don't know what to do. How can one plan b if they won't leave the house? I'm going to take the kids out today, booked a movie without him. I'm not going to try to talk to him, no point in it, it will only cause a fight and right now I'm livid so I probably wouldn't say anything nice after last night.

BrokenMama #2677628 10/29/12 06:15 AM
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When you first came here and were advised to go to Plan B, I think you said that you COULD get him out. You had a Plan B letter written, which you gave him. I believe that you said his mother would be supportive of you. What has changed since then?

You are writing as if his alcoholism is not an issue, and as if you can carry on in this marriage the way things are. You need to read this thread from the beginning, and implement that advice that you were told to implement back in May and June. You said then that the law would be on your side, and that custody and maintenance would be favourable to you. You need to get legal advice on how you can have your H removed from the home, with full custody of the kids going to you, with a maintenance order in place. I suggest that you tell the authorities about your H's drinking, which is illegal where you are, so that you can get help fast.

Everybody who posted to you in the summer knew that you were in a dangerous situation and were advising you to get out of it. You got to the brink of separating from your H and then pulled back, against all the advice and warnings. It seems now that you were in the false recovery that you were warned about and that everybody else could see coming. I'm so sorry about that, Mama, as I have gone through several false recoveries of my own and found them devastating, so I know how you must be feeling. After this FR, you should now follow through using the law to separate from your H, and do not accept him back unless his drinking ceases altogether.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
BrokenMama #2677629 10/29/12 06:19 AM
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Just reading this thread. Wow. He hit you. While drinking...
due to the fact you caught him covering up.


Are you really only worried that he is "pissed off" at you?
If you will not go to the police,
you must tell your family what he did. You have to tell another adult. Today.

You have to get support. You can not (should not) do this by yourself.







Last edited by barbiecat; 10/29/12 06:20 AM.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
BrokenMama #2677633 10/29/12 07:19 AM
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He's refusing to leave. Says I want this fantasy separation and deep down I don't want to be with him, I'm looking for anything to separate. I will tell his mom what happened when she gets home, as well as his siblings.

BrokenMama #2677645 10/29/12 09:32 AM
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You need to get law enforcement on this! You are not responding to advice.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #2677683 10/29/12 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
You need to get law enforcement on this! You are not responding to advice.
I agree, again.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrokenMama #2677687 10/29/12 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted by BrokenMama
Says I want this fantasy separation and deep down I don't want to be with him, I'm looking for anything to separate.

It doesn't matter what he says, or what he thinks. He will say anything to get you to not do what you need to do.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2677934 10/30/12 07:16 AM
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The police will not make him leave our house, it's in his name and even if it wasn't, this is a very patriarchal society, the men have more say than the women, and many think that the wife should just do as she's told, or that this is a personal issue and shouldn't involve outsiders. This is the way things are here. I'm not worried that he's pissed off, I actually am sure that I'm right because of how pissed off he is.

His drinking is obviously a problem, but he says it's not. He won't accept that he has a problem so what can I do? The only thing I can do is try to make him leave the house somehow, then go into a dark plan b until he stops all this destructive behavior. Again, we do not have AA or Alanon here. He is not normally violent, this is the first time he's hit me, which again just makes me more sure about being right on track regarding his lies.

BrokenMama #2677963 10/30/12 10:05 AM
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How do you file for a seperation/divorce in this country?

He has basically told you what he wants... you to look the other way.

Can you move out- with the children?
Does his mother help, or is she in need of assistance?

I'm sorry, but your WH is MILES away from even starting recovery. You are going to have DD after DD with him, unless something changes.

He is not willing to admit, nor change.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
BrokenMama #2678096 10/30/12 05:50 PM
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Originally Posted by BrokenMama
The police will not make him leave our house, it's in his name and even if it wasn't, this is a very patriarchal society, the men have more say than the women, and many think that the wife should just do as she's told, or that this is a personal issue and shouldn't involve outsiders. This is the way things are here. I'm not worried that he's pissed off, I actually am sure that I'm right because of how pissed off he is.

His drinking is obviously a problem, but he says it's not. He won't accept that he has a problem so what can I do? The only thing I can do is try to make him leave the house somehow, then go into a dark plan b until he stops all this destructive behavior. Again, we do not have AA or Alanon here. He is not normally violent, this is the first time he's hit me, which again just makes me more sure about being right on track regarding his lies.
So what's your plan?

How are you going to get him to move out? Will his mom help you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrokenMama #2678128 10/30/12 07:47 PM
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I don't know. Right now he is so mad about me sending a sms to his friend, I'm sure his friend is afraid I'll tell his wife, that he can't even look at me. He goes to work and come straight home only to stay alone in another room. The only thing he said today was actually asking if I also sent a message to some guy that was calling him, I said no, I don't even know that guy, he said he's been getting lots of calls today. I wouldn't be surprised if he tells me this weekend that he's leaving and try to blame it all on me for exposing him. I've honestly never seen him so mad at me.

Right now I'm just kinda in limbo. I can't move out, not for a few months anyway because I start a new job on Sunday so have no money to find a place and leaving with 6 kids is not exactly easy. His mom will support me but will say she can't make him leave if he refuses. I can't talk to him because if I go in the same room as him he tells me to get out. Is it even possible to do any plan in the situation??

I love him. He sounds bad but he's not, he really is a great person and I don't want a divorce. He needs help for the alcoholism first and foremost. I just don't know where to start, how to start. Maybe I'm doomed. frown

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