Czarne, good for you for sticking with plan b and not letting your H's problems be your own. I have a daily reading book for codependency and it helps keep me focused on me and on detachment from WH, The Language of Letting Go.

Have you even totally honest with your kids? It seems a little odd that they are laying all the upheaval on you. Do they understand fully what he's done? Here, we have what's called a shared parenting agreement with guidelines about everything from phone calls (max one a day limit half hour) to how parents should be around the kids (literally says No long sad faces when dropping kids off). It sounds like setting some limits/ boundaries would be good. Also, can you set up your phone with a different ring if it's from him? Then you won't get surprised and your kids could just answer it themselves.

Sorry it's been so tough, It will get better.

cz,

I'm very concerned with all the cracks in your Plan B and that is why you are not healing. Every break is like restarting Day 1.

1. Your sister (IM) MUST remain neutral and a filter. She should not be sharing his issues with you i.e. where he is going to stay when he comes for the visit. His problem. If your sister can't remain neutral you might need another IM.
2. You have exposed to both your DDs about their fathers affair, correct? So when they start being manipulated by him. Just state the facts. I'm sorry you're hurting because daddy is having an affair with OW and is staying with her.
3. Do you a financial agreement set with him? These are the issues that your IM can set up. cz need x amount for abc for the DDs.

What can you do to fill up these cracks?

JV, yes, will email him regarding his attitude, it it really making difficult situation unbearable. Girls are absolutely fine, then he phones/emails and they are depressed for half an hour ( and I need to deal with this....)
My IM will sort it out in points and put some boundaries on his phone calls and the way he talks/what he says.
I know he really misses them a lot.

BH,
My sister is doing a great job keeping her opinions to herself and passing only dry info ( such as : he is coming this day and leaving this day, he does not want you to leave the country during this time...) but it's ME who keeps asking for more info... cannot help it, like collecting little crumbs all over that make you sick afterall.....

Both my girls know exactly what happened. I have explained this very clearly several times. I told them that I am extremely sorry that they have to go through this at such young age, but daddy had made his choice and decided to stay with OW not with his family.
Problem is that my D10 has an email account so she writes to him/and back and yesterday after another attack of her I actually went and check the latest email he wrote and it said that Daddy never wanted them ( girls) to be away from him and that it wasn't his decision to move to London and if he had more time it might had worked out differently.
I spoke with my D10 about it and explained to her that it was MY decision to move away because I needed to cut contact with OW who was heavily involved in our family before( she was babysitting for us, going out with us, taking the kids/picking them from school etc)and after started playing games with their minds and moving to London was the best option. Plus mummy would have gone crazy....
I think she understood.
She makes however very rough comments about her ( she is f*****ing woman- my daughter never swears, I don't do that either, don't know where it is coming from) or if I had a knife I would kill her etc.
I spoke with her as well regarding this behavior and told her that it is ok to be upset with OW but I don't want her to be present in our lives at all. So talking, swearing at her or even mentioning her brings her back. And the whole idea of moving so far was to cut her off completely.
Now, financial agreement.
My WH is a dreamer, so at the age of 45 he has absolutely NO MONEY.
I was always the one to patch up all his expenses ( he works part time and dreams about making millions in his MLM!)
OW is involved with his MLM too, in fact she is his downline..
So at the moment I don't think he is going to send me any money...
I mean if he does fantastic, if he doesn't I can make it on my own ( I am truly blessed in this regard, cannot imagine to be dealing with financial crisis on top of all this!)

I feel awful today, dreamt about him at night and woke up with his image still in my head. Started doing elastic band "detach strategy" have it on my wrist and each time I think about him I pull it hard and let it go, gosh it hurts but it does break the pattern.

I also need to stop drinking, I cannot go to bed without drinking a bottle of wine beforehand... this is worrying.
Will try antiDep again full pill at night and cut out the wine.
Starting the gym tomorrow, should get me back on track.

Its good to catch up your thread and find you have moved back to London

Apart from what WH is saying to the girls when he rings, it is normal for them to feel sad after his call.

You are fortunate that you do not rely on WH for financial support. It is difficult when this is added to the infidelity mix.

I understand how difficult it is to go to bed at night. Lately I have been staying up late and the lack of sleep is taking it's toll. Since WH left I have played either classical, celtic or relaxation music at night. Whilst it's nice to have a glass of wine at night to relax, I think it's a good idea to try to find some other way to help relax or minimise the pain.

Good on you going to the gym. Exercise is a great outlet and you feel really good the fitter you become.

Take care you are doing really well.

Czarne, your WH sounds somewhat like mine....dreamer, or as Dr. Harley said "he didn't turn out." Let me tell you, you will feel sooooo much better when you start getting your life back, and putting yourself first. I would recommend you read Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders to get a sense of how the sacrifices you so willingly made and he so willingly accepted were harmful.

Thanks for being honest about the drinking, if you can acknowledge it's a problem you can seek out solutions. I had a terrible time sleeping while still around H and it's resolved over time just moving forward in my life. The sleeping aids my doctor prescribed had too many negatives but the ADs really helped. Have you tried things like meditation and journalling?

It sounds like your girls might just need an outlet for the anger. And it's better to validate their angry verbal expressions than suppress them. I had to take my oldest DD to a counselor after HAM suddenly moved away, and she expressed to the counselor she was so angry she wanted to punch him in the face...this was a good thing for her to be able to express. Maybe once their lives start settling, going to school, making new friends, some of the frustration will fade.

HF66, I've noticed you have been in your plan B for some time, how is it going? How do I find you thread? Would love to read it.

Jv,
My D10 says nasty stuff about OW all the time, my cousin who is a teacher told me as well that it is ok to get her anger and frustration out. The strength of it worries me though.

Just went on amazon.co.uk and bought R, B and Freeloaders, sounds like a great book
I always felt my WH relied on me on everything, not that he is lazy, but he used to always say" I will find a way, don't worry" and at the end it was always me who worried!!!
Now I hope he can taste reality when he has no money for petrol.
Maybe he just moved on from me to another that will sponsor him in every way ( not money wise only, although his GF is loaded, how lucky!)

Here why you wait for the book.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Caarne, my thread is "Standing for my Marriage & Family" Your welcome to read my thread, hopefully it may help in some way.
My Plan B is not unsual, I am dealing with a hardened wayward who is unrecognisable from the man I knew. For me this has been really painful to deal with and even more painful watching the impact on our children. WH has presented many "character building challenges" along the way. Alot of posters have commented on how strong I appear, but being honest it has been hard letting go of a marriage and family I loved and valued and dealing with the consequences of his actions... something he appears to be oblivious to.

HF66
the toughest part for me is watching my kids crying on the phone each time he calls, which is daily ( often more than once!)
I am in a process of letting go, this week has been very easy for some reason ( red wine reason I suppose...) I have not thought of him at all, got on FBook and started contacting all my old friends, that lost touch with years ago and it has been an amazing experience.
Planning to start work at the end of Nov which will help in keeping me busy, went out to Samba club, so many attractive men, gosh, forgot how to be single :o)
My cousin is trying to get me on match(dot)com but cannot be bothered, although would be a fun distraction.

What I am trying to say that I know that pain is still there, disappointment too, resentment and anger along with it, but I just refuse to sit and cry and suffer and be depressed, sad and frustrated with my life.

Also the more I think about it all the less I feel like saving this relationship. He did so much harm and in such cruel way that I don't know if I can ever look past it.
I haven't started digesting his lies yet... there were so many.

Whenever I start having warm feelings for him again, I just go back to his secret love emails to the OW and read it out loud to myself, this is more than enough to bring me back to Earth....

I know you're hurting but please remember you're still married.

Please work on healing and keep your boundaries high.

You're vulnerable for a revenge affair. Please keep your integrity.

Dear C

The first time you get attention from men you"ll feel how easy it is and how it is all about lust. It is a learning experience. From then on it depends on how much love you have left for him...

Czarne I understand all too well how painful it is watching the pain our children experience b/c of an A. The betrayal, the denigration & out of character behaviour is painful but watching our children suffer is devastating.

It is important to be honest with your girls at all times, but make sure what you tell them is age appropriate. It's hard for them now but they will grow from this experience .... hold onto that.

It's good that this has been an easier week, just be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride. It's like being in the ocean the waves can hit you at any time. Try to be gentle with yourself... it's all part of the grieving process.

I'm glad your making plans and keeping busy this helps recovery. No one knows what the future holds but right now it's important to focus on you and your girls.

Take care and stay strong

Czarne,

I understand the need to feel better during this horrible experience. But, lay off the wine and stop contacting men. Neither one will help your situation in the long run.

Get a pedicure. Plan B ladies on MB change their toe nail color as often as I change clothes.

AM

pedicure, yes, I was thinking about it today, great way of shifting your focus from your WS.
I found something that really works for me, is galleries and exhibitions. Used to go to these all the time, then stopped doing things for me all together.

Now in London there are no excuses... so much to do and to see all over again.
Glassblowing in Bermondsey is on my list for next weekend.

I so forgot that I had so many interests b4. Then cooking and kids and cleaning and earning a living completely overtook my life and there I was 5stones heavier, not leaving the house, with greasy hair all the time and tracksuit bottoms....
And it just happened so quickly without me realizing that I was going in a wrong direction all the time...

Again he wanted to speak to me through my daughter, but I refused.
then got an email from my IM telling me that I promised him that he can stay with us for Christmas ( he's already booked a ticket for TWO weeks!) but I replied that I cannot offer him a place as I am still staying with my cousin.

I cannot/I am not willing to support him in absolutely any way.
to be fair I did say he can come and visit any time and stay with us in London, but I said lots of BS just to get him sign the paperwork to let me out of the country.
Also I did not expect him to be visiting two months later.....

I understand that he wants to see the girls but it is his problem to find the money and the way to do that, not mine. Plus for me it is one of the consequences of his thoughtless actions and selfish behavior.
I am sure the time will come when I can see him and have dinner with him and the girls and feel completely fine about it, like with an old friend.


I am feeling very well again and think that I am getting closer to detaching from him completely. I just keep myself busy all the time and distract my thoughts about him immediately.

When I mentioned FB it was not for contacting men( although one of them I contacted is a very old friend of mine, but he is a priest) but found two female friends that both went through separation/divorce and one of them left her husband at the same time I left mine.

It was great to chat to both of them, they have very different perspective on the situation ( one of them was left by her cheating husband, who then remarried OW, and the other left her husband for OM, who was her high school sweetheart)
need to go, my little angel is in a bath, need to wash her hair....

ok, back now, sorry for interruption.

I don't want anybody to think that I'm nasty with him, but if he comes now in December and stays with us for two weeks I am going to be seriously emotionally messed up again and will need several weeks ( and AD packets) to put myself together again.
He said he has no money to pay for the hotel and no place to go, should it really be my worry?

I have two kids to take care off, I am living off my savings which are running very low, my job will start in two weeks and I am tired of him sponging off me all the time...
To be honest I am loving plan B!!!! The best thing of all is the part when you can focus on yourself for a change, and do things to make YOU happy and fulfilled, things for YOU to grow, learn and become better. This is an amazing, although lengthy process, but I am enjoying every moment of it.
The more things I find to do, the less I think about him, and it comes naturally and easier and easier and easier.....

Also I think that I have no triggers to remind me of him apart from my girls.
I changed the country, environment, friends, my family is here, the house, girls' school, pretty much everything.
I also lost two stones, three more to go.... I started putting make up on, wearing contact lenses instead of glasses and I am starting to feel attractive again.
wonderful feeling...

Czarne,

It's great that you are finding interesting things to do and will be working in the next couple of weeks.

I am not an expert at Plan B, but I don't think your IM should even be passing along messages dealing with finding WH a place to stay when he visits his children. It is his problem, not yours.

Don't break plan B at Christmas. You will be a basket case if he is still in the affair and flaunting it in your face. Your H needs to find a place to stay and there needs to be a way for the children to see him without you seeing or speaking with him.

AM

Exactly.

Cz his plans are his problem.

czarne,

I've never said "welcome back to London" to you. This is very bad manners of me!

Are you north, south, east or west? I'm north.

London has a multitude of free things to see and do at the weekends. It is impossible to run out of things to do, and you need never spend a penny. I do love this city.

If you have the money consider o laser surgery for your eyes. I did it 2 months post D day and it was one of the most important things I did for me. It so much helped my confidence and it feels like a never ending pampering !

Hi Czarne, your sounding much happier now that you are in London and revisiting your interests. London is an exciting city there is so much to do, its good there are alot of free things on offer.

I agree with everyone, it's up to WH to find somewhere to stay whilst he is in London ... it's all part of the consequences of his actions.