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Originally Posted By: Holyheart
Guilty as charged. My name is Holyheart and I am a Giver.

Never again will I put myself in that situation. Lesson learned!


Every single person on this forum, everyone who is married and not on this forum, has avoided conflict at one time or another.

Conflict avoidance becomes a serious *kiss of death* when it becomes a habitual behavior in the marriage.

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Overcoming conflict avoidance is not done by fighting with your spouse.
Overcoming conflict avoidance is successfully done by learning how to honestly negotiate your complaints to your spouse.

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Like and thanks. kiss


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Like and thanks. kiss


DITTO
kiss

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CONFLICT AVOIDANCE = G-A-S-L-I-G-H-T-I-N-G ! ! ! naughty


"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
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Love this. It explains my marriage to a tee.


Me (H): 34
Wife (W): 29
Two kids ages 5 and 3
Married 6 years been together for 14 years
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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Conflict avoidance is how the Giver creates an unhappy & incompatible marriage environment.

Link to Giver/Taker


Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
It should be no surprise to you that it isn't the Giver that ruins marriages -- it's the Taker. But the Giver plays a very important role in creating the problem. It's the effort of the Giver to give our spouses anything they want that sets up the Taker for it's destructive acts. After you have been giving, giving, giving to your spouse, and receiving little in return (because you haven't bargained for much), your Taker rises up to straighten out the situation. It sees the unfairness of it all, and steps in to balance the books. But instead of coming to a more balanced arrangement, where you get something for what you give, the Taker just moves the Giver out of the picture altogether. It says, "I've been giving enough, now it's your turn to give."


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_happy.html


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Brilliant thread.

Thanks Pepperband - you rock!!!!!!!!


Me: WW, 33
My BS: 30
Married: 11 years
1 x Child: Daughter, 3 years
D-Day: 10/8/2011
Fighting to save my marriage.
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Great thread.

Agreeing to something without enthusiasm avoids an immediate conflict but is hugely detrimental in the long term.
AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I wish it would become mandatory for every person about to get married to read this thread! It's THAT important to learn this lesson!!!


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Conflict avoidance = pretending things are OK when they are NOT OK.


preach my sister!

truer words have never been spoken.


me 53, h 51, m 19, s 16,...

This is what the Lord says:
"Stand at the crossroads and look;
ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it
and you will find rest for your souls.
Jeremiah 6:16 (NIV)
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Conflict avoidance ... man how I denied that existed for years. Only to have it stare me down at each crossroad of this adultery hell.

I thank God today I have the ability to hold truth in conflict avoidance ... I hold truth in knowing how to never have this ugly thing in my life again.

POJA and PORH ... the only way to move forward in life.

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Conflict avoidance creates more conflict - that is what we've learned...


Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing

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Originally Posted By: Mrs_Recon6mo
Conflict avoidance creates more conflict - that is what we've learned...


EGG ZAK LEE !!!

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Conflict avoidance disallows intimacy.
Conflict avoidance disallows POJA negotiations and mutually happy resolutions to marital problems.
Conflict avoidance is dishonest.
Conflict avoidance creates resentments.
Conflict avoidance shows no integrity.
Conflict avoidance shows no courage.
Conflict avoidance is not caring, but pretends to be.
Conflict avoidance creates vulnerability to affairs.
Conflict avoidance nurtures self-victimhood and martyrization.
Conflict avoidance drains your own love bank.
Conflict avoidance is how the Giver creates an unhappy & incompatible marriage environment.
Conflict avoidance encourages your spouse to become/remain lazy in the marriage.
Conflict avoidance is not noble. Conflict avoidance is cowardice.
Conflict avoidance does not make room for your spouse to grow and improve his/her efforts to please you.
Conflict avoidance is a pessimistic attitude regarding your spouse.
Conflict avoidance encourages intolerable situations in the marriage.
Conflict avoidance shoots buckshot through your own love bank .... because you have been dishonest about your marital complaints.
Long term conflict avoiders eventually feel they have reached 'the last straw', and love-bust their spouse BUT GOOD.
Conflict avoidance creates an environment where some of your ENs might more easily be met by someone other than your spouse.
Conflict avoidance creates the tendency for complaining (DJs) about their spouse to others outside the marriage.
Conflict avoidance = pretending things are OK when they are NOT OK.
Conflict avoidance creates more conflict.

Overcoming conflict avoidance is not done by fighting with your spouse.
Overcoming conflict avoidance is successfully done by learning how to honestly negotiate your complaints to your spouse.

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"You can't change what you don't acknowledge." Dr. Phil

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"Never spit in a man's face, unless his mustache is on fire!" - Anonymous

Geee, Pep, why would you have felt it necessary to bump this valuable thread?

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Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
"Never spit in a man's face, unless his mustache is on fire!" - Anonymous


I *think* that's a cowboy quote.

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think

faint

grin

Thanks, Pep!


Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Conflict avoidance disallows intimacy.
Conflict avoidance disallows POJA negotiations and mutually happy resolutions to marital problems.
Conflict avoidance is dishonest.
Conflict avoidance creates resentments.
Conflict avoidance shows no integrity.
Conflict avoidance shows no courage.
Conflict avoidance is not caring, but pretends to be.
Conflict avoidance creates vulnerability to affairs.
Conflict avoidance nurtures self-victimhood and martyrization.
Conflict avoidance drains your own love bank.
Conflict avoidance is how the Giver creates an unhappy & incompatible marriage environment.
Conflict avoidance encourages your spouse to become/remain lazy in the marriage.
Conflict avoidance is not noble. Conflict avoidance is cowardice.
Conflict avoidance does not make room for your spouse to grow and improve his/her efforts to please you.
Conflict avoidance is a pessimistic attitude regarding your spouse.
Conflict avoidance encourages intolerable situations in the marriage.
Conflict avoidance shoots buckshot through your own love bank .... because you have been dishonest about your marital complaints.
Long term conflict avoiders eventually feel they have reached 'the last straw', and love-bust their spouse BUT GOOD.
Conflict avoidance creates an environment where some of your ENs might more easily be met by someone other than your spouse.
Conflict avoidance creates the tendency for complaining (DJs) about their spouse to others outside the marriage.
Conflict avoidance = pretending things are OK when they are NOT OK.
Conflict avoidance creates more conflict.

Overcoming conflict avoidance is not done by fighting with your spouse.
Overcoming conflict avoidance is successfully done by learning how to honestly negotiate your complaints to your spouse.





OUCH!
But thank you for the reminder.


Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
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