Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Many therapists kill marriages.
"figure yourself out"

What can that mean?

Its certainly not very goal oriented.

You need to follow the recovery plan in Surviving an Affair EXaCTLY.
Are you doing that?

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
You need to call the coaching center. Bottom line they offer better therapy than some dumb therapist telling her she will need time alone. She is going to take that and run with it. She is extremely foggy and will be looking from a misconstrued sign from God to contact OM and hurt you again.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
Im not the best person to advise a BH whose wife is still pining for the deviant who is aiding her in destroying her marriage.

I, personally, would not have tolerated a single minute of it. If I detected that my wife had any interest in him after dday, I would have grabbed a trash bag and would have loaded her clothing for her and threw it out the front door. To me, even a fleeting thought in to her head would have been grounds for separation. I gave her the choice in the first 5 minutes of dday.

The big difference, perhaps, is my wife was in a long term thing with her guy which clearly ran its course. And, when it was discovered it was already over emotionally (and for a while at that).

That being said you need to get with the pros at MB and have the help you and her work through this.

A time frame needs to be set where you stop tolerating her having this "need" for closure. If losing her husband, home, and child isnt enough, what is?


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
If losing her husband, home, and child isn't enough, what is?

Fortunately for me, my wife did not take long to defog. But I remember her depression over the loss of her "friend". My reaction to it was "would you be happier saying goodbye to our 30 years together?"

Waiting out the fog is tough; no doubt about that. You need to keep them apart, or the recovery clock will be reset to zero. Don't give her an excuse for contacting the OM.



me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
I'm not the best person to advise a BH whose wife is still pining...To me, even a fleeting thought in to her head would have been grounds for separation.

MSS, if this were the SOP for treating WWs immediately after d-day, the universe of recovered BH marriages here would consist of....yours and mine.

BF1, WWs do NOT typically untangle from their affections and linkages to their POSOMs instantaneously. That is simply a factual reflection of the emotional "neediness" of the usual WW. They had a desperate need; they filled it (illicitly); they cannot imagine not having that emotional teat to suck on; they return (even imaginatively) to their EN-satisfied state with OM.

The BH is burdened with putting aside his pain, and tending to hers, as brutally unfair and irrational as that sounds. In essence, the early Plan A can be exaggerated to be:

"Oh, sweetie, your knee again requires violent upwards
exercise? Really? Okay, even though you just kneed me in
the stones, I want you to try to refrain from doing it..."
WHACK! "Good, sweetie, do you feel better? (Groan...)"


Eventually, her knee no longer needs that treatment. It may be however, that the pain of the stone-kneeing causes the LB$ balance to reach zero before she stops. In that case BH goes to Plan B.

So, how long do you think you can grit your teeth, ignore the pain, and Plan A?

Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
I understand the mixed feeling, and the sludge of emotional crap that you have to wade through just to find some happiness.

In your Plan A you have to remind yourself over and over that you are powerful, positive person, and that you need to treat yourself every once in a while to something that will help give you energy. Give yourself affirmations in the mirror, remind yourself that you can do this.

I understand that these things are hard to do, but worth it in the long run. Understand the reason why you want to save your marriage and keep it focused.

You do have to be the person that your wife cries on when she is having a hard time. This is a hard time for the two of you, but you have to be attractive and let her know that you are there for her. It's like a double edged sword, it hurts you every time she wants to tell you her feeling, but that is what you are there for.

Keep an eye out for what is going on behind the scenes also, what behaviour is she demonstrating that indicates there is ongiong contact?

Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 10
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 10
Hi all,

Back after a while with a bit of news. So the recovery is going pretty good, I think. WW and I were fortunate enough to go away for a week together for some much needed UA. I think it really helped! Her fog is nearly lifted, although we had a bit of a setback, which I'll talk about below. But overall, I really think things are going well.

So the set-back was a double-whammy. It started when I caught my wife lying about a detail regarding the A. I confronted her about it and she immediately apologized, saying that she didn't want to hurt me (without going into any details, let's say it involved her buying gifts for the OM during their affair and I found out about it on our credit card statement). We began discussing trust and I mentioned it's difficult for me to trust her when she lies. I ask her again if she's had any contact with OM, and she answers no, emphatically. BUT THEN, no sooner does she answer, her cell phone rings, and the POS is calling her! She hands me the phone, I answer and step outside to curse at this little idiot! Let me tell you, it was quite a conversation

Good news is, that I'm pretty confident it was isolated, and I do believe WW is honest that there has been no contact. My trust in her is rebuilding as our recovery is moving so well. Turns out the POSOM was calling because he was worried about WW's job. Turns out my exposure to her coworkers is getting my WW into some hot water (although to be fair, it's the A that is getting her into hot water, and I don't regret the exposure one bit!). She and OM are being investigated and WW could be terminated if things go south. WW is very anxious about this, but thankfully is finding strength in me and our marriage and family to get through this.

I'm not on here tonight seeking advice, but did want to update and say thank you to everyone on here. I was pretty ignorant at the beginning of this thread, and I'm starting to see things more clearly thanks to advice from people here and on other threads (Pepperband, your post the other to BH was invaluable and I've reread it everyday since!). I plan on continuing to post here, as I'm entering new territory during the recovery and could use y'all's support as we progress. Thanks!

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
Great news!

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Why hasn't she changed her contact information?

Is she still teaching where OM is?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
Losing her job is a result of sleeping with a student, nothing else.

Unless he works for the cell phone company, he should have no way of learning her NEW CELL PHONE NUMBER she got after dday. This is a critical aspect to recovery. Did she get a new number???

Just seeing his number appear on her phone is contact made and thankfully you were there. Next time you may not be.

Maybe a visit to this boy is the next step? He is actively seeking to take what's yours and destroy whatever remains, to me this warrants a visit with your largest friend riding shotgun.

I dream of the contact attempt even 2 years later. I dream of the chance meeting. Your wife's OM is begging for it.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 315
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 315
These are also harrassment calls since OM has been told NC ever again. Your first step should be to engage the police to pay him a visit before you visit him personally. You personal visit could escalate very quickly and cause you more problems in the end. Dont get me wrong, I'm all for the "teachable moments" with a POSOM, but if you have a lawsuit to deal with after the fact, you will never get him out of your life.


Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
Married 20 years
D Day Jan 7, 2013
3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
If he's tough enough to do BF's wife and tough enough to continue to try to speak to her after being told not to, then he's tough enough for a face to face visit from the guy whose wife he's banging.

"Knocking him senseless is a crime of passion, your honor. He was trying to ruin my family and he wouldnt stop trying."


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 315
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 315
MSS, while the BH in me says, "Yeah, let'r rip man. kick his a$$", the realist in me says, "this could go on for months/years in court if I do and I want this guy out of our lives".


Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
Married 20 years
D Day Jan 7, 2013
3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 10
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 10
Quick responses here:

1. She has not changed her phone number but has given me access to her phone at all times and I am monitoring all activity on it. In this day and age, people tend to not recognize phone numbers, and so when he called, she didn't know who it was, but suspected it was him, and handed me the phone. She has received other calls from unknown numbers and simply doesn't answer it. She is committed to no contact, and we are doing what we can to make sure that happens. But hell, he could drive to our house anytime if he really wanted!

2. She is still working at the school, but is taking the rest of the semester off. She has a meeting at the school next week with HR regarding her investigation, and she has told HR that she wants the meeting in a private conference room directly off of a remote parking lot, so she hops in and out without seeing anyone (OM or otherwise). OM graduates after this semester, and so wont be around. Although, again, if we was really desperate to see her, he'd find a way.

3. WW is actively looking for jobs out of state, and we are considering moving across the country, but this is taking a little time.

4. WW has also told coworkers about OM and her concern about potentially seeing him, and has asked them to help her avoid contact. OM spends little time on campus, and is relegated to a different part of the rather large campus. In the event WW has to go to her office, she has agreed to go from her car to her office and close the door (I can monitor this with pretty precise GPS tracking). She is not teaching classes until the investigation is over, which will be after the semester is over.

5. Hopefully we find new jobs out of state before the summer, and we plan to move if that happens.

I've more to discuss regarding the move, and how it meets my emotional needs. I am certainly concerned regarding a drastic move for many reasons, but I'll address my questions in another post later on. For now, I've got a list of "honey-dos" that I have to complete before my wife returns from the library with our DD.

Oh, and regarding going over to POSOM's place and confronting him, don't think I haven't thought it (and my large best friends has already said he's got my back smile ), but Wow777 is right. Still, my last words to him over the phone was that if he ever tries to contact my wife again, the sh** will REALLY hit the fan!

Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
This is very encouraging! I wish you well with your recovery and hope that the jobs and the move become reality sooner rather than later.


Me BW: 30
WH: 33
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Here.
"I Encourage BHs to Confront OM" Dr. Harley

She needs to change all her contact information. He will continue to try and call and hope she isn't around you and Will take his call.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,254 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5