I noticed I'm becoming a Caucasian counterpart of Serena Williams - the drama seems to follow me everywhere. But you're right - my grotesquely strange behaviour must stop.

Not sure if my husband wants to have anything to do wit me.

This "dry drunk" concept is quite intriguing. True or not, I must put an end to my outlandish behaviour.

I always considered myself to be successful on all levels: academic, professional, and personal. Of course, the picture isn't pretty anymore.

Hey Serena Williams is a tennis goddess! Anyways, you got some extremely truthful and helpful advice here and it was free! Glad your sticking around! Just wanted to say STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND! You need to focus on your boundaries and read about the MB program. Put it into action. You need to clean up your side of the street and stop the self loathing. Like a hamster on a wheel it will get you nowhere. Ill be watching and hoping for your success. To recap, study MB, read the books (Surviving the Affair, Lovebusters, and His Needs Her Needs), correct your self destructive behavior and reinforce your boundaries around men. Your wasting valuable time with your pity parties!

Fighting for my marriage - it's certainly a great idea. But what makes you think that waywards, like you and me, really deserve a second chance? Sure, we both can write poems but it didn't stop us from cheating on our spouses, did it?

I'm a girl who took her wedding ring and run for a hot date with my handsome average Joe. My problem was he was so disappointing. Do you think I deserve a second chance?

Fifteenyears, you're a smart woman and truly enjoy reading your insightful posts. It isn't my intention to make you feel bad in anyway, not at all, but think for a moment about your own affair. Let's assume that your affair partner never confessed to his wife and you didn't get caught, do you think it's possible that you would be still banging him behind your husband's back? Which one would you be sending your love poems to?

Do you still think we deserve to get a second chance?

It makes me sick when I think about all that. Yes, I've become a pitiful woman. All my fault. I liked myself much more the way I used to be.

I need to get ready for work.

FY can weigh in on that but I know as well you do. Good men don't date or have sex with married women. That simple. FY can get into the intelligent discussion but that's the bottom line.

TranquilDark, I haven't heard from my husband even one word since I saw him last Friday at O'Hare. Doesn't look good.

I need to go to work now.

I agree with you 100%.

Whether you deserve a second chance or not is really up to your husband. If you follow the MB principals then you will become a better, more attractive person and no matter what relationship you have in the future, it will be healthy.

Your husband is hurting right now. He is not sure that you want him either. Start by showing him that you do. Start by sending him the text messages, emails that tell him you're wanting/willing to work on things to have a happy marriage. Regardless of what he sends or doesn't send back. Keep telling him.

You are both in a fog right now. He's been blindsided by a train and he's not sure what he wants. You have a great opportunity to help him decide to save the marriage. Your willingness to throw in the towel so quickly tells him that you want out too. Show him that you are in this for the long haul.

By the way, the guilt and shame that you are feeling will start to diminish as you rebuild. Dont let them push your husband further away. The people that have been responding to you are the experts on how to save your marriage. LISTEN to them and DO what they tell you to do.

My W and I are almost 3 months post D-Day. I'm still new at this but I can attest to the MB principals and so far these folks have been 100% right on. We have a chance now, when I was ready to call it quits on D-Day. Take a deep breath and dig your heels in and fight for your marriage.

Tea, just quit the 'woe is me' act. You're like the skinny girl complaining she's fat, fishing for compliments - you're fishing for people to tell you 'but you're here and trying, you aren't a bad person! It's quite transparent - just stop.

Typical behaviour of an adulterer - seeking admiration from others but ignoring the obvious - your spouse.

If you are genuine, then please ask people, what steps do you take TODAY to help your husband get through this and save your marriage. Quit talking and start doing, if you are genuine.

So, does no sinner deserve a second chance?

Tea, you have two different issues here. As far as second chances in marriage with your BH go, yes, it is totally up to him as to whether or not to give you a second chance. But even should that not happen, don't you believe that you as a person deserve an opportunity for redemption?

Self-forgiveness has been difficult for me and at times I think the best I can come to is acceptance. I cheated on my husband, I lied to him, I inflicted extreme emotional damage on him. I can't change it, I can only move forward. I could accept a changed concept of myself as a whore/slut/adulterer, or I could work to change my own personal shortcomings to become a better human being...at the same time, trying to show that I was capable of being the kind of wife that my H deserved.

I'm not saying that I didn't wallow in self-pity during the last three years, and I'm not saying that I don't feel self-pity at all now. I am not perfect. I did not recover my marriage, but I saw the person I was during my adultery and I decided I did not want to be that person anymore.

Being forgiven is more that just saying "I'm sorry." It's more than donning sackcloth and ashes and moaning about how worthless you are. Part of seeking forgiveness is trying to make amends to your victim. He may choose not to accept your attempts at making amends, and that is his choice. Your choice is whether or not you allow your actions to define your worth as a person. I agree - your actions as an adulterer were despicable. So what kind of actions do you want to show your husband now?

Pith and pity are obnoxious distractions to going forward in a positive healing direction.

Your husband has sent you here for a reason. He has left you to choose a path. The affair will not kill your marriage.

Your so called good reasoning and logic will.

You both now know about your betrayal. You knew long before your husband. He is grasping and getting a handle on this difficult reality.

Your right! your marriage will not be the same any longer. Whether you divorce or not ----what you had is gone forever.

NEWS FLASH: This is Marriage Builders. You have arrived at an architectural firm for building a new marriage from the ground up. There is much potential to build your dream marriage.

Checkout the awesome blue prints: Read through "Surviving and Affair." "His Needs Her Needs" "Lovebusters"

Listen to the architect speak about his plans: Marriage Builders Radio

Need to customize? Call MB coaching center.

Kicking around in the rubble of your now destroyed marriage will not help anyone. Get to work. The tools are here.

The way to feel better about yourself is to stand up and make amends to your victim and become the woman you used to be.


Your husband is on the floor bleeding and you are trying to convince yourself that it would be better to let him bleed out as you turn away once again.

That is not noble and will not help you to feel any better about yourself.

Have you read any of the books or articles? Have you called the coaching center? Have you done anything to learn how to repair the damage? On what basis do you think it is irreversible?

Pick yourself up girlfriend.

Tea,

Ditto to everything WPG said. I could not have said it any better and everything she said rings true to my experiences.

You asked some tough questions and a over a year ago I might have looked at what you said and agreed with every word. For a long time I did not think I deserved anything and I probably didn't but I am not the person I was a year ago.

Tea, I think all of the time about where I would be today if my AP did not confess to his wife. I like to think that everything happens for a reason and honestly thank God every day that things went down the way they did. I would be lying if I said that if not for getting caught I might not still be in my foggy mess. I can't live my life in "what ifs" anymore.


So your question to me is "Do you think we deserve a second chance" and my answer is YES. It took me a long time to be able to say this and to even feel like I deserve it. But looking at who I am now and who I was I can honestly say that I am a different person.

You keep saying that you wish that you could go back to the women you were? But was that woman really better than women you can become? What if you can become that women again but even smarter, wiser, with higher boundaries that you know will stick?


Yes, you fell from grace and now you have the opportunity to pick yourself up and improve upon your faults. A year ago I would have read what you said and agreed with you 100%. I would have said who am I to give anyone advice, I deserve nothing, I am a horrible person.... Guess what I pulled my head out of my butt, took of my pity cloak, and got to work making sure that I would never again allow myself to be a WW.

Anyone who is truly willing to make the change and truly repent deserves a second chance.

Ou contraire mon ami .... the picture is about to become better.
Your perfection of success needed some humanity. Some humility.
Guess what? Every sincere person on this forum had to do the same thing. The betrayed spouse who becomes successful in marriage recovery does so with renewed humility. The successful wandering spouse will also move forward with new found humility.

Imagine a 9 year old school girl who has her perfect grade point average ruined by a D or an F in a subject she thought she'd mastered. What does that perfect child do? Well according to Tea Kettle, she quits school because she is no longer perfect.

Tea Kettle, meet humility. Your missing piece. It will serve to enhance your beauty and your empathy and deepen your soulfulness.

Peace.

WPG .... You are so NOT the same woman who arrived on these forums!

You 'da man!!!
You inspire me.

Prove these are not just empty words you say to comfort yourself.

The answer lies herein ~~~> **** LINK ****

Agreed!

WOW - you guys are presenting some good inspirational material.

Awww, shucks, y'all...I am a work in progress! Just want to pay it forward.

That is because her attitude is one of someone that is either:

1) ALL the facts of the A are not out on the table ie..still more that her H does not know yet. Much more of the story to be told?? hmmmm

or

2) The A is still going strong


Maybe I'm right..maybe I'm wrong.