From my thread almost exactly 4 years ago, from the same people you are getting it from. It hasn't changed.



And, answer the specific questions. These folks know this stuff. Don't think you can fool them.

Yes read your comments on the execs. I can get the names from the gentleman I registred the orginal complaint with and at least send a letter. We told the kids mom had an affair and we told them who it was as the kids had meet him once before. We did not go into the gritty details other than they slept together and they understand what that means as in they had sex. We then told them we are not splitting up and that we both love them and that mom and I have some things to work out. As far as the kid reaction they were upset but we assured them nothing would change.

Who owns the clinic where the OM works? They need to be notified directly. Have you gone on the website to locate their officers? a contractor company will be motivated to hide this affair. This why you need to make sure everyone is informed.

So I take it that your wife was there when you told the kids? What was her explanation to your kids? How did you leave it with them?

Exposing to a general contractor is one thing, notifying the OWNER of the business is another.

You need to go to their website, call the business, etc. and get names of the owner, the HR director, head of payroll, VP of operations, whatever...and mail exposure letters to each one individually, and CC all of them on all of the letters so each knows the others were also notified.

Follow what Melody is suggesting...

Here is what I have so far. I contacted the OM's wife again and left a message asking what specfically the kids and the OM's mother know. Hopefully she will call me back. My kids know it was an affair and what that entails we both told them. My WW best friend knows and I am in contact with her on a fairly regular basis. Told the OM's employers but more to follow based on ML's suggestions. I monitor my WW phone and computer and I just ordered a GPS tracker I can install in her car. And just contacted the OM to never contact my WW or i would make his life a living hell and I can. I think he wanted to spill his guts but taking the advice of the forum I did not ask any questions.

Just like Zombieland ....
"Time to nut-up or shut-up!

Well done!

One hole I do have is my WW using her phone on facebook. I would rather not jailbrake the phone. Any suggestions?

I would insist she delete Facebook and give you full access to her phone. Get all of her passwords to everything and when she is asleep, slip some spyware on her phone. Use eblaster or flexispy. If the OM has her phone # she should change the phone # or perhaps exchanging phones with you?

One of the first steps in recovery is affair proofing your marriage to eliminate the conditions that led to the affair. That includes full transparency.

I think face to face so he knows I am dead serious. My questions may get derailed but that is ok.

This portion of a note this morning tells us THIS, my friend: You are about as far from "dead serious" as would be Bozo the Clown. Dead serious is demonstrated by the following actions:

1 - You personally visit the medical facility director, and tell him what scumbag did, in a medico-professional capacity, and give him the name of the lawyer you have already briefed about the situation, and will soon be filing a lawsuit, so he should be expecting a subpoena.

2 - You do the same to the owner of the contracting service that scumbag is directly employed by, giving him the same information.

3 - You contact a reporter, and give him the story as a possible expose of the noxious "side benefits" that are evidently available to people employed as physio-therapists. Point out that unauthorized massaging of injured women's uterine walls is so pervasive that they've admitted they need a specific policy to cover it!

4 - You contact the Department of State in your state, responsible for the licensing of physio-therapists, and make a FORMAL, DETAILED, WRITTEN complaint about scumbag, the facility, and the contracting concern. Even BETTER would be if your lawyer does it.

ARE YOU GETTING A HINT OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT IS TRULY "DEAD SERIOUS", AND WHATEVER IT IS YOU'VE BEEN DOING?

And your closing admission of fecklessness and timidity:

And just contacted the OM to never contact my WW or i would make his life a living hell and I can.

should read:

And I just contacted the OM to tell him I made his life a living hell, and if he doesn't like it, he can *****edit*****!!!

(Aside to HFD: Deja vu all over again, dude!)

Unfortunately, yes.

And it brings me no joy to know that I was not alone in the timidity department.


Hope you are well, NG.

OMG just had this exact argument an hour ago on the phone. She is having a bad day. I have changed a lot in the last three weeks and she is angry how do I bring her down?

You let her see that the changes are real and permanent. You be a place where she will want to end up.

That's all you do now. All you can do.

Every time you can We can, she can then say we can't. Don't give her the opportunity.

In my case, it took the nuclear bomb going off to shake me awake, and it really changed me. But that really infuriated her, that after all the, well, pleading by her and indifference by me, that now I wanted to change. I will allow that she was justified.

So, she is going to be heartbroken, shifting all the vileness to you, you didn't love her and only want her now because blah blah blah.

All you can do is change and make it real. It is hard to accept that, because we want to fix things. All you can fix is your half. The rest, she will have to decide. Make the decision to make it work a hard one not to make.

Let's be honest. Anyone can fake anything for three weeks.

That is how she is looking at it. She will have to see, not hear, it for a lot longer that that. After all, she has seen different for many times longer.

This is a long road, and you just stepped on it. Steel yourself for it, and do the right thing. That is to be the right man.

Relationship talk is a big downer.
Avoid it.

Just keep demonstrating changes.

She is pissed because it took THIS for you to pay attention.
She feel de-valued. Because SHE couldn't get this attention from you -- but an AFFAIR is suddenly worth your attention.
She feels like these changes aren't about your undying love for her -- but simply because you are threatened.

Another thing to expect.

You make changes, and you know you have.

It will be a long time before she acknowledges them. In fact, the opposite will occur. She will swear you haven't, that she sees nothing.

A wise MBer explained it to me once. The WS has cloudy vision even blinded vision, about what is in front of them, But their peripheral vision is there, and the things they see register, even if unconsciously. But it takes a while for the scales to fall off their eyes.

The things you do now will be ignored, or even worse scoffed at or derided. But they will be noted somewhere. Remember that.

Your WW should no longer have a primary FB account. She needs to delete that - not just suspend it. There is a difference. Deleting a FB account takes longer - FB doesn't WANT an account to be deleted. But it can be done.

If she must have FB to remain in contact with people, set up an account in BOTH of your names. Your profile picture needs to feature both of you in a loving embrace, or a sweet family photo.

Of course, you will still need to snoop her phone and keep a keylogger on her computer. It's very easy to set up fake FB accounts. You don't want her doing that to stay in contact with her AP.

Understand that you will be talking to someone under extreme duress (if you thought you were going to get your [censored] kicked if you gave the wrong answer, what would YOU say?)

I suspect you would get little comfort from visiting OM on a fact-finding mission. He's only going to protect himself. If he says "Sure, buddy, please don't hurt me- you're right - I took advantage of your wife" would you feel better? Do you not understand that they took advantage of each other to have their needs met? Are you looking for a free pass for your wife? "She couldn't help it! The poor damsel was at the mercy of a force stronger than herself!" No. That didn't happen. And attempting to cast her as a victim in any way will harm your recovery. She needs to OWN her actions. She is NOT a victim.

Your recovery is better served by concentrating on recovery - not interviewing OM for any lies he wishes to spoon-feed you to mollify you.

I DO think you should pay him a visit long enough to introduce yourself and let him know that you are the husband of the woman whose life he planned to destroy. Let him know that your visit is a warning visit - no harm will come to him as long as he stays far, far away from your wife.

That is exactly the feeling I get from her. Right now she is completely turned off by me but I can tell the changes I have made register. She is just so pissed I ignored her for all these years and she has every reason to. Last night was the what if conversation not to divorce but to seperate for a while so we can clear our heads. I told her I thought that was the worst thing we could do right now and to give this some time to settle down. Last night I checked the computer history and I see she is starting to read things about relationships and marriage and that is a good sign I think.

My wife uses a friends account so I know she was not contacting him just visiting his page and his wifes page. I check the history so far she has not created another account that I can see.

I contacted him to let him know he should not contact my wife or I would make his life a living hell. I think he wanted to spill his guts but I left it at the warning.