In exposure do you tell friends that live out of state?

I am inclined to not expose POSOM anymore than I have, which was to his wife. Reason being that if the baby is his I don't want to give him any reason to try to weasel his way in (even if only for vengeance.) I am in contact with his wife and I think I will ask her opinion.

I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.

As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.

In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.

Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Does that mean you haven't exposed to the wife, or...? That first sentence has me a bit confused.

Never be the source/cause of your spouse's pain.

-My FWW affair physically ended early January, but kept talking to POSOM until D-day 2/2.
-She sent him an email on D-day telling him she would never contact him again, etc etc. I did not get to see this letter, but I do believe her.
-FWW is pregnant, paternity unknown. We fervently wish for POSOM to continue to have no interest in pregnancy
-She has not tried to contact him and he has not tried to contact her
-Exposed to POSOM's wife, they are getting divorced
-Should we do official NC letter in light of the pregnancy and not wanting to give him a reason to change his mind and that there has been no contact for 2 months?

If OM drops off the end of the earth .... don't stop him.

No letter.

Thank you both for your thoughts, I was leaning that way as well. I just wish I knew what her letter to him said (completely)

Thank you both for your thoughts, I was leaning that way as well. I just wish I knew what her letter to him said (completely)

She said that she couldn't see him, needed to focus on family, don't contact, etc. Part of me thinking of doing a NC letter now, was for her to point out to him (he is unrepentant, they are getting divorce because he truly is a POS, ended his last affair 2 months before starting with my wife)how awful the affair was, how selfish and stupid they both were. Maybe make a dent in his pride and selfishness. And like I said, she may have had some lovey, feely stuff in there for him. But I am inclined to let sleeping dogs lay.