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The sticking point in our situation would be that my wife would say that she doesn't want an "event" with me. She would say her problem of not wanting to have sex with me has little to do with a lack of mental foreplay. She is just simply not sexually attracted to me. End of story. This is very normal for a woman to feel who is not in love. I have felt the same about Markos. The sexual attraction comes later, when she is in love.
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But what did you think of the suggestions in the article? I think it is very convincing and probably true. The sticking point in our situation would be that my wife would say that she doesn't want an "event" with me. She would say her problem of not wanting to have sex with me has little to do with a lack of mental foreplay. She is just simply not sexually attracted to me. End of story. How would I know that? Because she says the words "I am not sexually attracted to you and I don't ever remember being sexually attracted to you." The plan in the article is to combine sex with a 3-4 hour date. How do you feel about trying that? How does your wife feel about trying that?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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The plan in the article is to combine sex with a 3-4 hour date. How do you feel about trying that? How does your wife feel about trying that? That's what we do most every Saturday.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
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The plan in the article is to combine sex with a 3-4 hour date. How do you feel about trying that? How does your wife feel about trying that? That's what we do most every Saturday. The plan in the article is to do this several times per week. How do you feel about that? Sex only once a week doesn't sound like enough, for my personal tastes.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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As a result, couples who follow this policy are able to increase their frequency of lovemaking with enthusiastic agreement. They plan a four-hour date four times a week where all four emotional needs are met on each date.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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OK I'm calmer now. The last time I mentioned 4 dates including SF, she laughed in my face and said "I don't know anybody who has sex four times a week."
But then again, people who follow MB principles are probably in the minority so that's not surprising.
So I will try again. I'm going to bring it up in a non-threatening manner tonight. I'll let you know how it goes.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11) DD(7)
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she laughed in my face and said "I don't know anybody who has sex four times a week." She does now
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OK I'm calmer now. The last time I mentioned 4 dates including SF, she laughed in my face and said "I don't know anybody who has sex four times a week."
But then again, people who follow MB principles are probably in the minority so that's not surprising.
So I will try again. I'm going to bring it up in a non-threatening manner tonight. I'll let you know how it goes. Sounds good. STAY CALM! You may be surprised to discover that's more important than anything!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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OK I'm calmer now. The last time I mentioned 4 dates including SF, she laughed in my face and said "I don't know anybody who has sex four times a week." She does now!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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she laughed in my face and said "I don't know anybody who has sex four times a week." She does now Two people!
Me: 30 Him: 39 Together 5 years Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman. 7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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I took the day off from work yesterday and stayed home. I needed that day off.
I brought up the article "Question of the ages" and we read it together. We then discussed maybe changing our schedule around to accommodate what the article suggests. At least I didn't get laughed at this time! I was really taken aback that she didn't respond that we don't have enough money for that as that is the usual response.
We didn't get into it too deep though. I'm going to bring it back up tonight again since we have both had a day to think about it.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
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Thanks, Pepperband. I wonder if you could help me track down a post of yours. Sometime in the last 12-14 months (I think) you posted a list of suggestions for FWH's to care for their wives in concrete (not symbolic) ways. i.e., not bringing her flowers and cards and such because she won't accept such symbols of care because there is no actual care!
I thought the list was fantastic, for all husbands, and is an answer to "Why does my wife list Affection as a top EN, but doesn't seem to enjoy the Affection I'm trying to provide?"
But I cannot find the post again.
Every husband needs to read it, and if you tracked it down for me, I'd be very grateful! I want to add it to my list of bookmarks. Did you ever track this down? I am afraid I did not, but it was a wonderful post, and I need to invest the time it will take to find it. Another post this morning prompted me to remember to mention an affectionate act my wife loves: foot rubs. This one blurs the boundary between symbolic and concrete. In situations where my wife has been in withdrawal, she's often been open to a foot rub, and it's deposited love bank units. Results may vary depending on your wife's feet! (If they are like mine, a foot rub is more likely to get you in a lot of trouble!) I spent a good hour at work today trying to find this. I was unsuccessful, but I did find some other good stuff. It's hard not to click on something that looks interesting.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11) DD(7)
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Well, I got her to agree to a date tonight in addition to our date Saturday. The babysitter is coming for three hours from 6-9 PM. I have been bringing up the need to switch up our schedule of dates because the UA hours we spend at home in the evening are just not getting the job done.
It was a weird conversation though. She was not enthusiastic about it but tried to hide that from me at first. When I pressed her a little, she admitted that it was the money that she didn't want to spend. I tried my best to POJA the idea with her but she would not really negotiate with me on it. It want back to "I'm just trying to make you happy". Kind of like, just "just leave it alone and I'll go." Didn't leave me with a good feeling.
I don't know how to feel about it to be honest. I know this is something we need to do. (Switch to doing 3 or 4 date nights a week). She seems to think it is an OK idea when we are just discussing it in general, but when it comes down to actually scheduling it, she resists the idea.
What's the rule here? Should I just "do nothing". In other words, don't go on the dates unless she is in agreement? Go anyway, hoping the dates themselves will turn things around? I'm conflicted.
Last edited by FightTheFight; 05/30/13 12:05 PM.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
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You guys should go on a date anyway but find something low-cost to do.
Without her posting, it is hard to figure out her reluctance. She may be in withdrawal from you, in which case you should just be the best husband you can be without expectations. Hopefully, it will make lovebank deposits and turn her feelings around.
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Well, I got her to agree to a date tonight in addition to our date Saturday. The babysitter is coming for three hours from 6-9 PM. I have been bringing up the need to switch up our schedule of dates because the UA hours we spend at home in the evening are just not getting the job done.
It was a weird conversation though. She was not enthusiastic about it but tried to hide that from me at first. When I pressed her a little, she admitted that it was the money that she didn't want to spend. I tried my best to POJA the idea with her but she would not really negotiate with me on it. It want back to "I'm just trying to make you happy". Kind of like, just "just leave it alone and I'll go." Didn't leave me with a good feeling.
I don't know how to feel about it to be honest. I know this is something we need to do. (Switch to doing 3 or 4 date nights a week). She seems to think it is an OK idea when we are just discussing it in general, but when it comes down to actually scheduling it, she resists the idea.
What's the rule here? Should I just "do nothing". In other words, don't go on the dates unless she is in agreement? Go anyway, hoping the dates themselves will turn things around? I'm conflicted. If a wife refuses to do a full schedule of dates for the week, then I would be constantly trying to plan the next date and make them frequent. And make yourself ultra fun guy the rest of the time, so as to make love bank deposits. The higher you raise your balance in her love bank, the more interested she will be in getting off to be alone with you. Address her complaint about the money: find a way to fit affordable activities into the budget. For that matter, find a way to bring in extra money, if possible. (And if you find a way to make a million dollars out of nothing, please share!)
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Well, what we are doing on the actual date is very low cost. We are going out to a place that has free live music on Thursdays. We might buy a drink or something. The main cost is the babysitter but even that is only $30.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11) DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
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And make yourself ultra fun guy the rest of the time, so as to make love bank deposits. This is very important. Don't be the husband that comes home and disappears to his "man cave." Be attentive and flirty to her, talk with her and the kids, spend the time with her and the kids, work on projects that she would like done, etc. Be the fun guy to be around.
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Well, what we are doing on the actual date is very low cost. We are going out to a place that has free live music on Thursdays. We might buy a drink or something. The main cost is the babysitter but even that is only $30. Is there a good fun drive involved? Also, are you showing some good attention to family commitment time? Getting the whole family together is often a wonderful way to make moderate love bank deposits for most women. Better than doing the dishes, not quite as good as a fantastic date. But getting all the needs met adequately has a multiplying effect.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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