Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
And while you're in a state of flux, deciding whether or not to save your marriage, PLEASE do not tell your WH about this site. We are a resource for you.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: May 2013
Posts: 40
H
Hopes Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 40
No lawyer yet. I don't even have a job to afford one. I just found out about all of this last weekend. I have been pretty messed up since then. I don't have this sorted out yet.

I asked him for the house but I don't really care if I get anything. Its not much anyway. I am keeping one of the cars and he can have the other two. We are not rich so there isn't like anything to really fight over. Heck he can have all of it soon as I get a job and can leave. I really have not had any time or much of a clear head to sort this out.

I don't see him trying any stunts with taking away my youngest son. I know the law and he cant run out of state with him like he did last time. He's 15 and in another year he can make a decision who he wants to live with.



Jesus Freak DC Talks
Gone Tobymac
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by Hopes
No lawyer yet. I don't even have a job to afford one. I just found out about all of this last weekend. I have been pretty messed up since then. I don't have this sorted out yet.

I asked him for the house but I don't really care if I get anything. Its not much anyway. I am keeping one of the cars and he can have the other two. We are not rich so there isn't like anything to really fight over. Heck he can have all of it soon as I get a job and can leave. I really have not had any time or much of a clear head to sort this out.

I don't see him trying any stunts with taking away my youngest son. I know the law and he cant run out of state with him like he did last time. He's 15 and in another year he can make a decision who he wants to live with.
Hopes, I'm not sure why you're here. Do you want to save your marriage, or not? It sounds like you are plotting out your divorce.

How can we help you? What is your goal?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: May 2013
Posts: 40
H
Hopes Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 40
I don't know. I guess your right I should not be here. I don't really have any one to talk to except hubby so I came here. I am sorry if I did the wrong thing.

Also he does know I came here. He is still in the house and can see me. So basically its probably best I just go. I am sorry that I came here. Thanks for talking to me.


Jesus Freak DC Talks
Gone Tobymac
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Dr. Harley suggests exposing the affair to try to get it to end regardless of whether you desire divorce or reconciliation. Especially if there are children.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by Hopes
I don't know. I guess your right I should not be here. I don't really have any one to talk to except hubby so I came here. I am sorry if I did the wrong thing.

Also he does know I came here. He is still in the house and can see me. So basically its probably best I just go. I am sorry that I came here. Thanks for talking to me.
Hopes, if you want help to save your marriage, please let us know.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: May 2013
Posts: 40
H
Hopes Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 40
I don't know what I want. I am so screwed up in the head right now. I thought everything was ok and the sob literally crawled out of my bed to go to a meeting (it wasn't a meeting it was a hotel room with a 27 yr old). I am old enough I could have changed her damn diaper. I feel like I wasted 20 years of my life now. I am old now. I gave him the best years of my life and for what? When I get old and not attractive he just replaces me? I feel really self conscious about how I look. I gained weight and I know I cant compete with a 27 yr old.



Jesus Freak DC Talks
Gone Tobymac
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by Hopes
I don't know what I want. I am so screwed up in the head right now. I thought everything was ok and the sob literally crawled out of my bed to go to a meeting (it wasn't a meeting it was a hotel room with a 27 yr old). I am old enough I could have changed her damn diaper. I feel like I wasted 20 years of my life now. I am old now. I gave him the best years of my life and for what? When I get old and not attractive he just replaces me? I feel really self conscious about how I look. I gained weight and I know I cant compete with a 27 yr old.
How about getting a Plan and sticking to it? Having a Plan to focus on will help you feel better.

Would you like to follow MB?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2013
Posts: 40
H
Hopes Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 40
I cant handle this stuff. I cant sleep and I am going to have hubby to bring me to the hospital and have myself committed. At least until I can calm down enough to sleep.


Jesus Freak DC Talks
Gone Tobymac
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 158
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 158
I am sorry you are suffering so much. Your husband has done a terrible thing to you. If you want to divorce, no one here would tell you that you are wrong. MB can help you either way. Let us know how we can help you.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Hopes, I hope you are doing ok. Please come back and we can help you make a plan to get out of this sorry mess.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Hopes
I cant handle this stuff. I cant sleep and I am going to have hubby to bring me to the hospital and have myself committed. At least until I can calm down enough to sleep.

Hopes I am so sorry you are in such a bad situation. I think you need to get away from this man as soon as possible. The posters here can help you. Please keep posting.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by Hopes
I cant handle this stuff. I cant sleep and I am going to have hubby to bring me to the hospital and have myself committed. At least until I can calm down enough to sleep.
Hopes, how are you?

I hope you come back and update us. We are here to help.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2013
Posts: 40
H
Hopes Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 40
I am sorry I had to leave like that and I may as well just come clean. A while, (I am not sure how long) after my husband�s first affair I found out I have bipolar disorder. I never knew I had it until I went on a really bad manic episode and wound up in a hospital twice. I know all about my condition now, and if I am not sleeping for long enough I know it can happen again. To keep it from happening I went back to the hospital.

I am so ashamed of what happened during that manic episode that I would do about anything to keep it from ever happening again, including committing myself to a hospital. So now you know why I don't want the other affair linked. An illness like this has such a stigma that I don�t want people to know. It would be better if I had Leprosy instead of being bipolar. At least that�s a disease that is acceptable. I know if everyone knew that about me there is no way I would ever get a job.

Anyway I did get a chance to talk to a couple Psychiatrists while in the hospital and I think I have a plan now. I am not really able to deal with the affair and all that right now. I decided that I cannot make an empowered decision unless I am standing on my own two feet first. I plan on getting a job and an irl support system, and then I can look at the whole marriage objectively and make a decision. I told hubby we are going to be just friends for a while until such time that I feel able to look at everything and decide if I think I want to stay in this marriage or not.

I told the doctor there I installed a tracking device on my husband�s phone but then had second thoughts about it. Do I really want a man I have to track? What does that really say about my marriage? I cannot make him be faithful or give a crap about me, although he says he does love me and wants to make it work. Some of the nurses there said he may be a narcissist and you can�t fix that with counseling or pills. I don�t know if he is or not but I do know he does not know what the definition of love is.

I want hubby to go to individual counseling and I also am refusing to discuss our marriage or the affair with him unless there is a councilor present. He has a way of twisting my words and brings out the worst in me. He has already started it, but I tell him I don�t want to hear it and don�t want to talk about it. I am tired of being made out to be the crazy person. Yes I have a disorder but I am pretty normal if I am on my meds. I am at least normal enough that two psychiatrists released me even though they could have kept me there had they wanted. I have learned how to live with my illness and I am smart and I think I can do well on my own. I want to prove that to myself and I want to work on me much more than work on this marriage.

I am not worried about disclosure or any of the steps because, ya know, it just don�t feel right to me. I want my husband to be here because he wants to, not because I shamed him into it. To really care about me not just be here because he has no choice. Also I am tired of being the crazy wife that hides at home because I fear being around people because of my illness. I told this one tech lady at the hospital that I have no friends and she said she could not believe that, that I was likeable. That meant a lot to me.

Anyway I may not hang out here because I don�t think I am going to be able to follow the rules or steps of the book and that�s what this place is all about now. Thanks for listening.


Jesus Freak DC Talks
Gone Tobymac
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
I am so sorry you are back here. I have very close family members who struggle with MD, you know things like stress and no sleep can trigger an episode. Blaming yourself for MD is pointless.
I am glad that you know that taking care of yourself is a seperate thing than working on your M. You need a trusted doctor/nurse/counselor to help you navigate this shock.

Protect yourself, (+ kids) as best you can, first. Then decide what (if anything) you can do to save your M. This second A is very, very new to you.

take care,
BC



Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Hopes
Anyway I may not hang out here because I don�t think I am going to be able to follow the rules or steps of the book and that�s what this place is all about now. Thanks for listening.

Let us know if you want to use this program and we can help. You are right, the forum is very focused on using Marriage Builders. We will be here to help when you are ready. Good luck and God Bless.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Regarding exposure, the purpose is not to shame.
The purpose of exposure is to bring it into the light of day.
Affairs thrive on secrecy and a false world.
When exposed the fantasy quickly crumbles.

Without exposure affairs can last for years.
Following exposure they usually die within 6 months

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
If you contacted Dr Harley, (a clinical psychologist) he would probably encourage you to enter plan B immediately.

Have you thought about emailing Dr Harley for advice? He is a national expert and you can share his response with your psychologist

Joined: May 2013
Posts: 40
H
Hopes Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 40
Well thanks for the replies but I am going to go about this another way. This is the very last of the updates that I will ever be posting on this board and I even have second thoughts about posting this, but I think I will.

We just got back from Galveston, its been one long weird weekend but I am getting ahead of myself. Day one we got into a royal fight over a hidden email account of hubbys that I didn't know about. Its now resolved but hurt me a great deal. Anyway after that, we had a crazy thought, in some kind of moment of insanity, we would go see the ocean since I never have been.

We drove all day until about 2 am and then we watched the sunrise over the ocean. I liked it, it was pretty and smells funny and its very loud and windy. Not at all like what I expected but really, it was even better. I liked when, just before dawn, a little light hit the waves the water almost looked metallic, with inky black underneath the waves and white tops. It was stunning, I even liked the big wavy bridge with the paintings on the ends and the building in the water (pier 61 or whatever it is called).

This trip however was the trip from hell, if it could go wrong it did and to make a long story short I am seeing things a whole lot more clearly than I used to. Something happened on the way back that will go to the grave with me so don't even ask.

For several years I have been trying to be a better Christian and to really try hard to follow Jesus. Well now, I finally think I am starting to understand this whole Christianity thing. So this is how I am going to handle this affair and pretty much everything else. Hubby is forgiven, no questions asked, its a done deal. OW #1 and 2, both forgiven but I don't want to be friends yet, maybe later. My deceased father, forgiven, my family and anyone else who has hurt me are forgiven as well.

I cant, and wont, go into this, now or ever, but I am not going to sweat the small stuff anymore. Life is too short. I will say this, for now on I will be living my life way differently than before I am going to do my best to follow the Lord and live the way Jesus said for us to live.

Good luck folks. I wish everyone the best of luck.






Jesus Freak DC Talks
Gone Tobymac
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,074
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,074
Best wishes to you.

It is very unchristian to forgive without repentance.

Page 2 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 894 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5