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I just called the OM's father again after having exposed the A to him last Friday. The father is a friend of my Father in law and was at my house for a surprise 65th Bday party in Sept. He is a good man. I simply wanted to hear the OM's perspective of what went on at the reunion in Atlanta. Again, the OM told his father that nothing happened between him and my W. He completely denied doing anything with her. I guess he is lying to try to preserve his integrity with his father. His father said he was not raised to do such a thing and that he was raised with a huge emphasis on morality. The dad now believes nothing happened but that doesn't matter. He told his dad that he has no romantic feelings towards my wife and told him that she had texted and called him multiple times per day and that he would only answer about 1 in 3 calls. I have confirmed that almost all the conversations or texts strings were always initiated by her and not him. It was almost as if she was stalking him in a way.

To my knowledge, and I have been very diligently checking, she has not contacted him since last Friday. She had not contacted him for two weeks prior to that and things have been going great with us every day since. What should I do with this information? Mainly that he has no interest in her and that he has now blocked her from his phone, FB, etc. And also that he lied twice to his father denying that it ever even happened. Just keep this one in my pocket and say nothing unless I have to at a later date if needed?


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You don't need to do anything with this information. Waywards lie. Expect him to deny anything happened. The fact that he has blocked her is GREAT. You don't need to bring it up with her.

Just keep an eye on her activity and make sure there's no more contact.

Is she still on Facebook?


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Progress, more progress. She has been opening up more and more to me and I, in turn, have been opening up to her. She is doing and saying little things that she has never done before or at least since we first met. It is almost as if somehow things are started to re-ignite to a different yet better place than before. I hope this is not some sort of temporary natural response for making up from a tragedy. I have been thinking about something and hope someone can give me some direction. How do I know when her mourning period for the OM would typically last? It feels like it may be totally over now? Is this unrealistic? Should I ask her this question to her face?


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Re: "How do I know when her mourning period for the OM would typically last? It feels like it may be totally over now? Is this unrealistic? Should I ask her this question to her face?"

Dr. Harley says that withdrawal usually takes 3 weeks, but can last up to 6 months or more. It sounds like hers is the 3 weeks variety.

You can ask her, but who knows if she will be truthful. Have you both agreed to radical honesty?

Are you sticking to the plan of 20 hours alone together?

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Quote:
How do I know when her mourning period for the OM would typically last? It feels like it may be totally over now? Is this unrealistic? Should I ask her this question to her face?
Greg, I doubt she's got him completely washed out of her system. No, don't ask her. I mean, what would you say? "Hey, do you think you're over OM yet?" Asking her anything about it will put him at the forefront of her mind, if he's not there already. You don't want him there.

I went back through your thread and can't find anything about EPs (extraordinary precautions). What precautions have been put in place to safeguard your marriage and prevent further affairs (or a resumption of this one)? Am I reading right, that she is still on FB? That needs to be eliminated. Have you installed keyloggers on the computer so you can track her? It's not enough that she makes her FB page available to you - it's very easy to open multiple FB accounts that you would not know about. Did you tell your children about the affair?


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Originally Posted By: GregB12
Progress, more progress. She has been opening up more and more to me and I, in turn, have been opening up to her. She is doing and saying little things that she has never done before or at least since we first met. It is almost as if somehow things are started to re-ignite to a different yet better place than before. I hope this is not some sort of temporary natural response for making up from a tragedy.

Greg, What you guys are in is called the "Honeymoon phase" of recovery. It is not a bad phase but it is definitely as you put it a "temporary natural response for making up for a tragedy." The good news is that is can last! Maybe not a strong as it is right now, but my H and I are going on a year and a half past D-day and one of our ways to keep EN's at a high is to make sure that we do spend quality sexual and sensual time together at least three days a week.

Keep the communication line open as well. Take notes on what you guys are doing right now and learn to incorporate that into your marriage now and in the future.

I have been thinking about something and hope someone can give me some direction. How do I know when her mourning period for the OM would typically last? It feels like it may be totally over now? Is this unrealistic? Should I ask her this question to her face?


This is the millions dollar question and I think it is different for each person. Just know that any contact with OM will bring back those feelings (have you completely closed and blocked FB yet?)

I did not realize at first that I was even in a mourning period. My H kicked me out and my children would not talk to me, yet I still missed him, OM. I was not on this site yet and felt horribly guilty for even thinking about him after the hell I put my family through. It was comforting when I finally came on this site and realized that my feelings at the time were natural.

My mourning period lasted right around 2-3 weeks. Then turned into feelings of shame, anger towards myself, and reality of the situation.


Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
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My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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...can't find anything about EPs...

...to say nothing about Just Compensation!

Is it not odd that BHs never get hounded adequately counseled to address that particular tenet of the MB Affair-Recovery methodology?

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Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
...can't find anything about EPs...

...to say nothing about Just Compensation!

Is it not odd that BHs never get hounded adequately counseled to address that particular tenet of the MB Affair-Recovery methodology?

Funny ... I see them advised about that all the time.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted By: Prisca
Is she still on Facebook?

I'd like an answer to this. This is not a step that can be skipped.


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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted By: GregB12
I just called the OM's father again after having exposed the A to him last Friday. The father is a friend of my Father in law and was at my house for a surprise 65th Bday party in Sept. He is a good man. I simply wanted to hear the OM's perspective of what went on at the reunion in Atlanta. Again, the OM told his father that nothing happened between him and my W. He completely denied doing anything with her. I guess he is lying to try to preserve his integrity with his father. His father said he was not raised to do such a thing and that he was raised with a huge emphasis on morality. The dad now believes nothing happened but that doesn't matter. He told his dad that he has no romantic feelings towards my wife and told him that she had texted and called him multiple times per day and that he would only answer about 1 in 3 calls. I have confirmed that almost all the conversations or texts strings were always initiated by her and not him. It was almost as if she was stalking him in a way.

To my knowledge, and I have been very diligently checking, she has not contacted him since last Friday. She had not contacted him for two weeks prior to that and things have been going great with us every day since. What should I do with this information? Mainly that he has no interest in her and that he has now blocked her from his phone, FB, etc. And also that he lied twice to his father denying that it ever even happened. Just keep this one in my pocket and say nothing unless I have to at a later date if needed?




I just want to point out that this is one positive about exposing to family and friends of an AP - especially of an OM.


The typical OM is a lying, chicken-feces, weasel. When exposed to friends and family that they have been galavanting with another man's wife, they typically lie and deny, and toss the WW under the bus.


It's not an attractive thing to a woman to have the other man make her out to be a crazy liar to save their own skin.

I only had to expose to the OM's pregnant girlfriend... and SHE then called all of his family. The resulting fallout made him VERY unattractive to my FWW in the short-term.


Emphasis - the short-term. NC for life is ALWAYS compulsory.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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**edit**

Last edited by Fireproof; 06/08/13 03:23 PM. Reason: TOS inflammatory, off topic
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A reminder to help this poster with Marriage Builders concepts. If you feel that something has been missed, simply add that missing something, instead of chastising others. Please refer to Dr. Harley's articles and quotes to make sure you understand those concepts.

Thank you, Fireproof

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Nice to see you back, NG!You have been missed!

I think that the WW here is rather like like Sue in the book, despite the fact that the PA part of this affair was short-lived. She seems to be in a bad withdrawal from this man.

When Dr H counselled Sue and Jon, he did not urge Jon to say these things:

Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
**edit**


He urged Jon to be much more patient with Sue's unhappiness and fogginess than you are urging this poster to be. That patience paid off, whereas an ultimatum of the kind you seem to favour would very likely have ended the marriage.

Last edited by Fireproof; 06/08/13 03:29 PM. Reason: removing quote

BW
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Has she closed Facebook?

Has she written a NC letter?

What EPs has she put in place?
Extraordinary Precautions

Has she given you just compensation?
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Here are some more good articles on withdrawal.

Coping with Infidelity:Restoring
Recovery After an Affair


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Quote:
Has she given you just compensation?


Greg,
So you know, Just Compensation is:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions). In your case, this would include Facebook.
3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Nice to see you back, NG!You have been missed! rotflmao

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Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
Nice to see you back, NG!You have been missed! rotflmao


Yeah what that random poster just said lol

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Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
Nice to see you back, NG!You have been missed! rotflmao

Ditto!!


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Prisca
Quote:
Has she given you just compensation?


Greg,
So you know, Just Compensation is:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions). In your case, this would include Facebook.
3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.

Prisca,
I believe that things are now going very well. We are both reading the book and she is very remorseful and realizes that she made the mistake of her life. She has not contacted the OM and realizes that the contact will be for the rest of her life. And this will mean that she will never be able to go to another reunion with her father unless I can work out something with the OM's father where the OM will alternate years or something and I will attend with her on the years that OM does not go. Otherwise, she will simply never go again and she is good with that. I consider myself very lucky in that the OM is in Arizona and we live in Virginia. Had it been a co-worker or somebody who lives near us I think the situation would have been much more difficult. As for FB, I have not pressed this too hard right now but have the OM blocked and defriended and she told me that I could monitor her account any time. The OM's father told me that his son had blocked her on his FB account and his phone. I spoke to the OM's father again last week and he vehemently denied any wrong doing at the reunion in Atlanta and his father actually believed him.

We have been spending much more time together and we went on two overnight trips together over the last two weekends without the kids where we spent much quality time together. We had a great time and I truly believe that things are healing and progressing very well. Last night, we both wrote down our top five most important emotional needs as suggested in the book and discussed them. Her most important needs were conversation and the need for her to feel physically attractive. I think in the daily grind over the last year or so that I was not successful with fulfilling her need for conversation and, to be honest, was unaware that this was her most important need. So now I know but after paying a heavy price. And I will always work hard to meet her needs and hope she will work hard to meet my needs too which had been unmet at the same time.

I have learned the hard way but I really think, in my situation, that I now know exactly what I need to provide for her and that our marriage will grow to a better place than ever before as a result of such a tragic event. We always got along great and rarely fought. I just hope that somehow I will be able to get past the thoughts and images of that horrible weekend in Atlanta. I told her that I will forgive her and I hope time will heal all wounds.


Me BH
D-Day 5/13
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