Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 16 of 33 1 2 14 15 16 17 18 32 33
zibbles #2735600 06/12/13 03:34 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
The big problem I see, mrs.cen, is that you even had the capability to text the timeline, because you said you were going to give your husband your iPhone but didn't.

I don't appreciate being lied to.

Are my original suspicions of you correct? You left in a huff awhile back because I told your husband that you were just waiting for him to turn his back in order for you to go back to OM.

I told you to prove me wrong. I'm waiting.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2737814 06/21/13 05:19 PM
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 518
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 518
Thread moved to SAA at request of OP.

Fireproof #2737830 06/21/13 05:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
So what did you think of Dr. Harley's advice?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



#2737833 06/21/13 06:13 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
M
mrs_cen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
Well, we were able to speak with Dr. Harley and his wife on the show this am - it was a real "kick in the a$$" - impulse control is a term I've heard and am somewhat familiar with BUT I never in a million years would have thought I had issue's with it - which clearly I do, it was defienetly hard to hear BUT what a relief - I'm encouraged as is my BS, I am looking into finding a new psychiatrist as he hasn't "caught" on to this impulse control.
I've also printed out the PORH and POJA so I can have them on hand, and we've committed to following them. I know (well I guess I don't) it will be a long road, I know (well I don't) it's not going to be easy - especially when I feel like an "spoiled brat" - BUT I've committed to work on that as well.


FWW, 36

#2737834 06/21/13 06:14 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
M
mrs_cen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
So what did you think of Dr. Harley's advice?


I'm blown away by the insight and care and advice shown to both of us - I think today we are both positive for the future - and it feels good.


FWW, 36

#2737839 06/21/13 06:34 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
We have a lot in common in that I once suffered from impulse control too. If you will commit to the PORH and POJA, you will get out of the habit of giving into every whim and will see an amazing difference in your life. My life was chaotic and crazy like yours until I got a handle on it. You will be SOO grateful to live in peace.

And your husband is the key to helping you get control. If he can control his anger, he will be an amazing resource for you.

Your stress and anxiety will go down to nothing. You will actually enjoy your life instead of living in fear of the next consequence to slap you in the face.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2737848 06/21/13 06:51 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
M
mrs_cen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
I'm looking forward to working on rebuilding "us". Thanks ML


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2737907 06/21/13 08:36 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
my prayers are with you both. They say here recover is a marathon not a sprint.

Darkguy #2738005 06/22/13 10:07 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
I just listened - great radio show. Aren't Dr Harley and Joyce wonderful? I think I have been on the show myself three times and each time the help they gave me was invaluable.

Just wanted to add that when your H leaves because he feels an AO coming on, I know you requested that he tell you he is leaving and when he will back, etc. I would just recommend that you allow him to leave and text it. And don't respond.

I am concerned it will escalate to a fight if you force him to talk to you when he wants to leave. When you both have your lovebusters under better control, you can come to a different agreement. Just my 2 cents...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2738023 06/22/13 12:05 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
M
mrs_cen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
Originally Posted By: SusieQ
I just listened - great radio show. Aren't Dr Harley and Joyce wonderful? I think I have been on the show myself three times and each time the help they gave me was invaluable.

Just wanted to add that when your H leaves because he feels an AO coming on, I know you requested that he tell you he is leaving and when he will back, etc. I would just recommend that you allow him to leave and text it. And don't respond.

I am concerned it will escalate to a fight if you force him to talk to you when he wants to leave. When you both have your lovebusters under better control, you can come to a different agreement. Just my 2 cents...


We (BS) both feel the advice was/is invaluable to the recovery of our marriage - as soon as we were off the show, we again read both policies and began implementing them.
We have spent some time googling psychologists in our area that deal with impulse control and infact the same place BS is going for his anger management classes is where one of the psychologists is.

I think that's a good idea Susie and BS agrees, so that's what we will do.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2738030 06/22/13 12:23 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
MrsCen, when that radio clip shows up in the archives, one of us can post the links. I think it would be an invaluable aide to your new psychologist to hear what Dr Harley has said. You could play that clip for him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2738066 06/22/13 02:03 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
M
mrs_cen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
MrsCen, when that radio clip shows up in the archives, one of us can post the links. I think it would be an invaluable aide to your new psychologist to hear what Dr Harley has said. You could play that clip for him.


BS and I were just talking about that this morning - that we need to find someone who will first recognize the impulse control issue, followed by the anxiety attacks and depression.

I never even thought to link our clip and be able to play it! ML your a genious!!! Much thanks again to you and everyone.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2738370 06/23/13 09:51 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Just now getting a chance to listen to your show, and it was a good one.

Joyce mentioned to you that you have all weekend to re-listen to the show -- have you had a chance to do that?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2738376 06/23/13 10:05 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
M
mrs_cen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
Originally Posted By: Prisca
Just now getting a chance to listen to your show, and it was a good one.

Joyce mentioned to you that you have all weekend to re-listen to the show -- have you had a chance to do that?


We both listened again on Friday after it originally played and again on Saturday.

As Dr. H told us the two agreements PORH & POJA (in particular) are going to be crucial to our recovery. I feel we've both made a real effort this weekend to practice them over and over (Dr. Harley said we needed to start right away)
I think my BS is having a bit harder of a time with the PORH, he doesn't want to "upset" me with what his thoughts are when they are "not good" - as he says.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2738398 06/24/13 08:26 AM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
Originally Posted By: mrs_cen
I think my BS is having a bit harder of a time with the PORH, he doesn't want to "upset" me with what his thoughts are when they are "not good" - as he says.
My first time on the radio show was about this very topic. My wife was telling me thoughts she was having post-A that were extremely upsetting to me. Dr. H's advice was that RH trumps the side effects, and he was right. Now, I appreciate the past honesty much more and the foggy thoughts are long forgotten. In the future, you will appreciate his present RH much more that any lasting impressions of his negative thoughts.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2738428 06/24/13 10:07 AM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Prisca and I listened to your show last night. Glad to hear that you guys were encouraged and have some direction! We here on the forum will do everything we can to help encourage and motivate you both to carry through on the advice Dr. Harley gave.

I'm pretty sure we've got some impulse control issues in our house; in fact, for awhile I nicknamed one of our boys "impulse control." smile For the record, my belief is that the Policy of Joint Agreement is a wonderful check on a person's life, to keep things in balance. I tend towards being what some might describe as "obsessive compulsive." On my own, I would obsess towards lots of little details that really don't add any value to life. For example, I might decide to waste half a day ironing handkerchiefs or something. I realized to some extent before getting married that I could NEVER expect my wife to want to handle everything with the level of detail that I always wished I could give everything. (In fact, I couldn't even make all of that work myself!) When we found the Policy of Joint Agreement, it helped me put that belief into a concrete form and realize that it needed to apply to everything in our life. I can't demand that my wife do things my way, or even insist on doing things my own way -- and I am a more balanced and happier person as a result!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
SusieQ #2738430 06/24/13 10:10 AM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Just wanted to add that when your H leaves because he feels an AO coming on, I know you requested that he tell you he is leaving and when he will back, etc. I would just recommend that you allow him to leave and text it. And don't respond.

I am concerned it will escalate to a fight if you force him to talk to you when he wants to leave. When you both have your lovebusters under better control, you can come to a different agreement. Just my 2 cents...


This is a really good point here. I believe Prisca and I struggled with something similar until we started to get a handle on things.

It is great if he can tell you he needs to go calm down, but if he's upset he may not be able to do that, and if he feels cornered while he is having an angry outburst (temporarily insane) he may do something crazy like say you've eliminated the option to go calm down so now he has to have an angry outburst and is justified doing whatever he wants. It's great if he can tell you, but if he can't, don't demand it - just let things cool off, and then try to pick things back up together later.

Today I typically don't have to leave to go calm down, so it hasn't been as much of an issue! And if one of us does feel that need, we just tell the other.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2738973 06/25/13 04:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
I'm concerned that we haven't heard from either of you guys in awhile.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2739122 06/26/13 07:29 AM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
M
mrs_cen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
Originally Posted By: markos
I'm concerned that we haven't heard from either of you guys in awhile.


Thank you for your concern Markos! We are still "here", been focusing diligently on the two concepts the Harley's said we need, reading, reading and more reading!.

We had a "set back" of sorts yesterday - BS really let me "have it" with his immediate thoughts (PORH) and boy did it hurt! which lead to the start of AO's on both sides - I say "start" because we were both able (BS especially) to recognize, stop, and redirect our behaviour. Needless to say, I spent most of yesterday "digesting" his words. I believe I'm still coming to terms with the severity of what I did to him and our family and THAT is a hard pill to swallow.

He has found a rig job that will allow him to be home every night, however it may be as late as 8-9 pm, which will NOT allow us to spend the necessary time together each day/week that we need. I know his concern is still financial BUT the fact that BS brought up the time thing, leads me to believe that he "gets it", his worry still there though.

After our show, I cancelled my next appointment with my Psychiatrist, and am still in process of finding one that deals with Impulse Control and will allow BS to be with me in session which is my request. The one we found at BS's anger management course looks "ok", the only drawback is now having to return to my family do for medication, though we are both hopefull that once my impulse control issues are being "treated", I will be able to be med free!!

Any suggestions on helping BS through his "bad thought" times - I don't want to ignore it, I want to help, but I don't want I make it worse and come across patronizing if I try to reassure him.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2739155 06/26/13 09:11 AM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
I'll let the vets dissect the post but I am happy to hear your both on board with MB. I am nowhere near there yet and my thoughts and prayers are with you both.

Page 16 of 33 1 2 14 15 16 17 18 32 33

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (anchorwatch), 37 guests, and 42 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MishellLarson, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,567
Members71,683
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5