You have been on the Harley's radio program, and as such, you can always email for further advice on your situation and how to move ahead.

Do you think you might want to consider doing this?

I suppose I could. I mostly wish I could get my W to just talk to me about it honestly. Maybe emailing the show might help.

Let me tell you, I think Prisca and I were exactly in that situation! She kept saying "permission" as well, which I found very distressing.

I am pretty sure she doesn't feel that way any more. I am pretty sure that what changed was, she fell in love with me, and now her emotions prompt her to WANT to make sure that the life we build together is compatible.

Let me give you a great radio show to listen to:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=03324
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=03325
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=03326
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=03327

Hang in there because her feelings WILL change, even if she presently disagrees with and hates the POJA.

I've been thinking today about what motivates me to want to work on this marriage. I think that logically I want to be a part of my children's lives full time. But hey, I can get that by just going along back to how things always were. We can live together like roommates and I'll have all the access I want to my children.

So why go through all of the trouble of trying to get my wife to love me? Why go through all the trouble of EPs and POJA and PORH and all of that?

It's simple. I know the pain of infidelity and I never want to feel it again. EVER! It is absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened to me. And the pain lasts a long time. YEARS! Just the threat of experiencing that pain again makes me want to have a loving passionate marriage or none at all. It's not worth the risk to live with someone who is not in love with you and who is not willing to protect you from the kind of emotional harm that comes with infidelity. Heck, even willing isn't enough! Motivated is more like it.

Promises to never do it again are not enough. There must be change. Without change it is too risky.

But people have to be motivated to change. My motivation comes from the constant reminder of how much it hurts. But a WS can't feel that. So what highly motivates a WS or FWS? What lights a fire in there belly?

Let's break it down and distinguish between a wayward husband versus a wayward wife. If you blend those together, you run the risk of missing some very important distinctions Dr. Harley makes in his recovery advice.

Now that I've said that - did you listen to the radio show I linked above?

Yes I did. I've listened to it before and I listened to it again just today.

And I have to say, I don't think Steve went through with it. He sounded done to me.

He didn't.

But I did.

It worked.

Hey, I've discovered something important you guys are missing on your dates. The conversation is not working. For your wife, you really need to make that the emphasis. Talk LOTS about something ENJOYABLE. What do you guys like in the news? What movies/books have you seen/read? What hobbies/interests do you like to talk about?

This seems to be why it's not working.

Call Dr. Harley and get some help with conversation.

How are things?

Just reading along and taking notes...

Did you guys discuss the friends and enemies of good conversation last night?

Have you discussed the problem of criticism (disrespectful judgments)?

Briefly.


Not with specific feedback. Although I do recognize it most of the time, (I think?) but not other times. For example, this morning, I immediately apologized for the comment about "That wasn't a good idea" but totally missed the "It's just going over there now" as she was cleaning it up.

Good. These seem to be the areas where you need to tune up a bit in order to cross the romantic love threshold.

Can you review the chapter about DJs in Love Busters?

Yes, I'll get it out tonight. We even have a newer version I got from the radio show in January.

Good - the newer version has a lot more information about AOs if I remember right, and probably about DJs as well.

By the way, there is also some information about DJs in the conversation chapter in HNHN, and you guys probably need to go over that whole chapter, too. I think the number one reason things aren't "clicking" yet is that conversation is not yet good enough to meet her need well.

Maybe so. The conversation part is going to be harder. For the DJs and LBs in general, I can see a clear path to recover from it. Make the lists, keep track of them, eliminate them systematically.

Oh, and we read about half of the DJ chapter in Love Busters last night. I've heard Dr Harley say that he probably made the chapters too long. He is right. But there is a lot of good info in there. We'll finish it tonight hopefully.

We would read aloud together only 2 or 3 pages each night and then talk about it. We found that, especially with the love busters, reading much more than that was, for us, depressing. But we could handle a little at a time, discuss safely, then move on to something fun. Then the next night, we'd start where we left off.

Even now, we go through Draw Close. Every night, my H reads that one devotional while we lie in bed together. We never ever want to forget.