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mrs_cen #2741917 07/09/13 07:25 AM
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Originally Posted By: mrs_cen
There is no Twitter account - I had it for approximately 3 hours, I DID use our son's email, because of what I saw come into BS "private" email, I didn't want him to know I was "snopping", I locked the phone, so he would see it and ask, and he did - that's when and how I brought up the "spam" message, he asked for the code - I gave it to him, he deleted Twitter, and the phone remains unlocked - as stupid and insecure as it sounds, he's mentioned revenge more and more and he's said he's disgusted and sickened by me, it's almost like I'm waiting for him to leave me.

We have NOT been following the two principles that Dr. Harley said would help save our marriage - POJA/PORH, we've both been so busy with the "I said/you said" that I believe we've lost sight of what our true goal is.

I have finished reading SAA (BS has not) we ordered Love Busters on Kobo and are now waiting for it to come in on paperback so we have both. I have adamantly supported (though admitingly not always enthusiastically) the idea of a polygraph and that remains true today, BS was aware that I contacted the examiner back in June to enquire about cost,administration protocol etc.

We both are committed to each other, our family and making our marriage work, though I think we are "stuck" in [b]not knowing what we should be doing and in what order. [b]


Mrs_Cen,

I think if you read your post here youll see some things you can be doing to take on the steps Dr Harley asked you to. You two are supposed to have total transparency. Yet youre snooping. Its ok to snoop but you would have been better off just being radically honest with your H. The way you acted he went off making all kinds of horrible assumptions which needs to stop too.

If youre going to save your M you need to be able to talk openly and honestly with each other. Every move you make, every action should be in accordance with PORH and POJA. The I said/ you said crap will be the death of your progress. The goal is to work together, lay down your hurts and egos, open yourself up to each other. The independent thinking, the need to lash out at each other, the need to be defensive towards each other all those things go away once you engrain PORH and POJA into your everyday lives.

There shouldnt be a single thing you should need to keep from your H. Nothing, zero, zilch. Any attempt to hide or conceal your action and true feelings will delay your progress. You have to open up, reveal your truths, explain your feelings.

It is better explained here by Dr. Harley.

Emotional Honesty


Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
MrAlias #2741927 07/09/13 08:34 AM
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To clarify, both husband and wife should be snooping as much as they want. The real telling moments are when either one reacts negatively to this or tries to prevent it. For example, password protecting the phone she gave her husband -- very very bad sign! Or, suppose he were to get angry with her if he discovered her checking his email (I'm making this up as a hypothetical) -- also a very bad sign!

Both of them need to be inviting and WELCOMING the other to check up on them. The result of this will be a fantastic feeling of trust sometime down the road.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2741940 07/09/13 10:46 AM
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POJA is very, very important. However, if there is a boundary item, I will hypothetically pick having a Myspace account (since I haven't seen that mentioned), AND he is enthusiastic, I would still advise against it. Or make a joint account, with both of you having full access.

Point is, even if he's enthusiastic, if there's the slightest chance of secrecy or anything inappropriate happening even far down the road, YOU should avoid it because it's the right thing to do.

AJ and I each have our own FB account, the login for each other, and my mom has it, too, so she can send herself Farmville presents. I can think of few things to keep everything on the level better than having Mom/MIL popping in at odd hours every single day. smile

Whatever you do, keep the safety of the M paramount in both your minds. Extraordinary care and protection.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2741942 07/09/13 10:51 AM
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Have you given your BH the password to that email account? I think it's fishy.


Me BW: 30
WH: 33
BetrayedP #2743813 07/17/13 08:15 AM
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The below is copied from my BS RNR's thread, as I'm not allowed to post on his thread, however I did want to clarify a few things.
Please not ~ I'm not "yelling" in my replys - just wanted to make my replys clear


"Wife has been saying she wants to and should go back on Facebook"

- I DID NOT SAY I WANTED TO GO BACK ON FB, I SAID PERHAPS I SHOULD LOOK AFTER BS'S QUESTION WHICH WAS AN EMAIL BACK FROM MARCH, ONCE IT WAS EXPRESSED THAT IT WAS AN EMAIL (WHICH BS HAD ACCESS TO AND IS NO LONGER IN "SERVICE" TODAY AND NOT FB - I DID NOT RE-ACTIVATED.

Today she's acting very strange and distant. I don't know what she's doing but she's hiding her phone and won't let me see it. I was going to take it and look at it but she would not allow me to leave the room with it. I think she ha made contact today or got messages?

IT IS MY THOUGHT THAT WHEN THINGS ARE GOING WELL, BS HAS TO THROW SOME KIND OF "WRENCH" IN, WHERR HIS COMMENTS TO ME TEND TO BE VERY BITING AND SOME DJ'S AS WELL - THIS HAS ALWAYS TAKEN ME ABACK - AND I HAVE A TENDENCY TO PULL AWAY (WHICH IS BS'S INTERPRETATION OF ME ACTING STRANGE)
AS FOR THE PHONE, I DID NOT HIDE IT, I SIMPLY ASKED WHY BS WAS LEAVING THE ROOM WITH IT, I HAD/HAVE NP WITH BS LOKING AT IT, BS MADE A NASTY COMMENT AND TOSSED IT AT ME AND LEFT THE ROOM, HE HAD/HAS ACCESS TO IT AT ANY TIME.
I HAVE REMAINED IN NC WITH OM.


FWW, 36

BetrayedP #2743814 07/17/13 08:15 AM
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Originally Posted By: BetrayedP
Have you given your BH the password to that email account? I think it's fishy.


Yep!


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2743828 07/17/13 08:54 AM
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Originally Posted By: mrs_cen

IT IS MY THOUGHT THAT WHEN THINGS ARE GOING WELL, BS HAS TO THROW SOME KIND OF "WRENCH" IN, WHERR HIS COMMENTS TO ME TEND TO BE VERY BITING AND SOME DJ'S AS WELL - THIS HAS ALWAYS TAKEN ME ABACK - AND I HAVE A TENDENCY TO PULL AWAY (WHICH IS BS'S INTERPRETATION OF ME ACTING STRANGE)
AS FOR THE PHONE, I DID NOT HIDE IT, I SIMPLY ASKED WHY BS WAS LEAVING THE ROOM WITH IT, I HAD/HAVE NP WITH BS LOKING AT IT, BS MADE A NASTY COMMENT AND TOSSED IT AT ME AND LEFT THE ROOM, HE HAD/HAS ACCESS TO IT AT ANY TIME.


The interactions you have with each other need to be more respectful. Something as simple as questioning why hes doing something is nothing but a trigger for him to become defensive.

Try this instead of asking him my hes leaving the room instead tell him what you would like.
I would love it if you stayed near me when you look over my phone. I am willing to discuss anything you see on there. Anything. I would just like us to do it together.

Saying it this way takes on a less accusatory tone, lets him know what youre thinking and wanting and opens up an opportunity to POJA.

What Im saying may sound like splitting hairs to you but I think youll find it can make a world of a difference. And before you go get all defensive just know your H is being questioned about his behavior as well. You both need to clean up your acts.

Next
IT IS MY THOUGHT THAT WHEN THINGS ARE GOING WELL, BS HAS TO THROW SOME KIND OF "WRENCH" IN,

This is a DJ. This thought process has to stop. I get that what hes saying or doing hurts and comes as a shock and thats what needs to be communicated openly and honest to him. In no way should you come here with your assumption that hes trying to sabotage your efforts. Huge DJ that is hard for many of us to recognize in ourselves.

What was your response to his behavior? Ouch. What you just said there hurt. I thought things were going well, that we were moving forward and making progress. So Im a little stunned."


Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
mrs_cen #2743841 07/17/13 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted By: mrs_cen
The below is copied from my BS RNR's thread, as I'm not allowed to post on his thread, however I did want to clarify a few things.
Please not ~ I'm not "yelling" in my replys - just wanted to make my replys clear
As an aside, try a different color. All caps cause old guys like me to have flashbacks to the days of DEC PDP8's. smile

I think most readers are perceptive enough to know there is another side. Our real concern is over all the LBs you guys are experiencing. As I said to your H, I will also say to you; stay calm and controlled. If one of you starts to loose it, the other one should not just jump right in. Do you see the logic in this? It is time to direct your reasoning to override your emotions. Hopefully, each time at least one of the two of you can be successful enough to avoid the LBs.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2743844 07/17/13 09:39 AM
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I do see the logic, I will try and remain conttolled with no AO's.
I will plug my phone in on his side of the bed from now on, perhaps that will help as well.

Last edited by mrs_cen; 07/17/13 09:46 AM.

FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2743932 07/17/13 01:19 PM
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This phone issue just seems to keep coming up again and again.

Because this was how you started and conducted your A, I suspect that this triggers your BH.

I know it will be hard but I suggest you just get rid of it and get a dumb phone that is for calls and texting only. Hasn't this already been suggested? I thought you two already said you were going to do this.


ETA:

In the meantime, if your BH wants to look or take it out of the room, for heaven's sakes, don't say anything. Don't question him about looking at it. It is going to take many many times of him looking and NOT seeing anything before he starts to feel comfortable again. When you question him (even if you feel it is completely benign) you are triggering him to be suspicious. That would trigger ANY betrayed spouse.


Last edited by SusieQ; 07/17/13 01:21 PM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
mrEureka #2743933 07/17/13 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted By: mrEureka
As I said to your H, I will also say to you; stay calm and controlled. If one of you starts to loose it, the other one should not just jump right in.


Exactly! It's important to avoid these fights like the plague. Just stay open, transparent, calm, controlled, responsive.

Are you guys exchanging a weekly love busters worksheet, like is suggested in Love Busters and the Five Steps workbook?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
mrs_cen #2743935 07/17/13 01:20 PM
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There are a lot of very good posts to you here today! Read and re-read.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2744137 07/18/13 11:01 AM
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NG, is just calling it as he sees it. The MB program isn't a marriage at all cost program. It is a program designed to make a marriage interdependant and intimate. If you refuse to get rid of your phone and act suspicious without any regard to your dear BH's feelings then he should just move on. I think that's point he's trying to push home. You (mrs. cen) have zero accountability because your BH allows you to do destructive things in your recovery which in turns makes him angry and he lovebusts you. It's a vicious circle, who will be the one to stop it? You or him?

Also, why haven't you followed the advice Dr. Harley gave you on the radio show? Why do you still have a smart phone? Why are you using Facebook? I think your plan is for your husband to give up and you can go about your affair with a clean conscious by saying "I tried and its not my fault" when in reality you didn't try.

When RNR says things like we can't afford the poly you should find money and get it done anyway. When RNR says sure keep the iPhone you should get rid of it anyway. You need to understand this man is afraid of doing the wrong thing and continues to capitulate in order to make you happy. When he can't take anymore he has an AO, which reinforces your paltry attempt at recovery.

Darkguy #2744142 07/18/13 11:27 AM
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I think one needs to be cautious in picking sides in this case. Why? Because what is needed most of all is to stop LB's, and using the forum as a source of referees isn't a good way to accomplish this.

You both know what you should be doing. Start working at love bank deposits rather than winning arguments. This is something that is totally doable. Go for it.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2744156 07/18/13 11:47 AM
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Unfortunately for you Mrs. Cen (and your H)...you are making many, many CHOICES right now that you will reflect back on in the future and severely regret...

And...I know you know it...

haven't you done enough damage? Isn't it time to consider his feelings? Isn't it time to put your own selfishness in the away forever?



That is what is so sad.

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mrs_cen Offline OP
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Once again the story being told by my BS is one sided. NO ONE, knows what goes on behind closed doors.
I won't do the he said/she said thing anymore - it makes no difference here and it serves no purpose.
I will only say AGAIN, that not everything one reads, is exactly how it is.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2744178 07/18/13 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: mrs_cen
that not everything one reads, is exactly how it is.


true. very true.

Two questions.

1) Did you tell him you would not give up FB regardless and that is 'the only thing you have'?

2) Are you taking his feelings into consideration with every decision you make?

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3) Did you threaten Divorce?

mrs_cen #2744185 07/18/13 01:41 PM
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If you are not going to offer positive advice, don't offer any at all.

Golly gee, Ma'am! I would have thought my suggestions to poor RNR were positive.

***EDIT***
- I also alluded to the positive benefits he might accrue by physically separating you from your favored "infidelity engine", your smart-phone. (Wasn't that a Dr. H suggestion, as well?)
- And I was forthrightly positive in my assessment that his best path right now would likely be Plan B. (MB precedent, you understand!)

I am very glad for this opportunity to set the record straight.

Last edited by Toujours; 07/18/13 03:16 PM. Reason: TOS badgering
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POSTERS: Please stick to MB principles when advising this couple, or refrain from posting.


ToujoursMB@gmail.com
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