I am a WW. I am 45 yrs. old. My husband is 47. We have been married for 24 years, two children in college. This is a brief history.
I have had two affairs that I was very emotionally attached to the OP. I have also had several one time encounters with OP. I have been heavily involved with emotional affairs with men on the internet. It has been a problem for a long time. In May I moved out under the pretense that I was not happy. I was not honest that there was another person. After I had been moved out for about two weeks my AP wife found out about the affair. She told my husband and all heck broke loose. My AP ended the relationship with me and I was devastated. I panicked and went to my husband and begged him to give me a chance to make things right. He agreed and at the time gave me a list of things he would have to have to make it work. The list consisted of
1.itimacy (as in sex) every day. He feels like these feelings should be there regardless of how broken our marriage is.
2. I should go to all our friends and family and apologize and ask for forgiveness.
3. Complete honesty and open book policy.

I gave him complete access to my phone, I deleted all email accounts and gave him the password to my main account. I called and apologized to the OM wife. I went to all our friends and family and asked for foregiveness. I talked to both of our children and was honest.

We are both Christians. I have asked for forgiveness from God and have turned away from my sins.

We have been living together again for about a month.

We have had a terrible time reconnecting itimately. We have explored reasons for me feeling the way I did to make the choices I made. Although he says he knows he didn't meet my needs, he says he loved me the best he could. He does not understand or accept that our relationship is broken and must be built back in order to restore itimacy and closeness. He thinks that because I did all the wrong that it is my job to shower him with affection and love and that after that is done that he will love me back.

He has constantly demanded these things. Every time I have reached out to him, it is never good enough. He critics every move I make. He is constantly hounding me and hammering me as to why that love and affection is not there. I have tried to explain that the constant demanding and hammering is robbing me of any closeness I have for him.

He is on the verge of filing for divorce and as asked me to move out again. He says that he can't continue to try if those things are not in place.

I am begging for some direction. I will answer any questions you may have. I have taken full responsibility for the things I have done. I am willing to try anything.

Here are a few more facts to help those who are reading understand us better. My husband had an affair with my best friend many years ago. We have continued to have problems because we have never resolved the issued that started all this mess. We have been great at sweeping the problems under the rug in order to restore normalcy.

I was also sexually abused as a young child. I have always had issues with itimacy and I am also a very strong electric fence person. If I feel like someone is forcing me to do something I pull away fast. I think it stems from feeling forced during the sexual abuse.

I want to truly restore this marriage. Im afraid if I pretend that those feelings are there that eventually I will resent him even more. I do have resentment that sex has always been demanded even when I wasn't feeling sexual. It has been used to manipulate me and I have been rewarded for doing it often and punished (by not being nice and being ignored when I didn't).

Based on the information you have provided I would not recommend that your husband attempt recovery of your marriage. You are a serial adulterer who even though calls herself "Christian" continues to act un-Christian. I would suggest your husband protect himself and your children legally from your assault. The fact they he also has had affairs in the past is more proof that this is not a viable marriage.

That is NOT MB-based advice!

The path back is a narrow one. You need to expose your affair to everyone who has influence in your life, provide just compensation to your BH by committing to radical honesty and total transparency, and follow a recovery plan to create a romantic relationship with your husband. Everything you need to know can be found on this website and in Dr. Harley's books, "Surviving an Affair" , "His Needs, Her Needs", and "Love Busters". Consider asking Dr. Harley directly via the radio program at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. Continue to post here, and we will guide you with the steps you need to take.

Thank you for both of the replies! I respect both of them. One question...if my husband is adamant that he can only recover if he is given passionate romantic love from me before he can move forward....what can I do. Please give me some suggestions.

Just to give you some info on what I have already done....

I have completely been honest about every situation I have been involved with. I have answered every question he has asked. I have answered every question the OM wife has asked me even when he wouldn't be honest with her. I have been to my mom, father in law, children, friends, my boss, everyone that MATTERS and been honest and asked them to forgive that I lied and deceived them. I have changed my phone number, deleted every email but my primary one and husband has access to it. I have given my husband complete access to my phone. I travel during the day with my job and I send pics of everywhere I go and stay in touch with him during the day.

The problems I am having is that my husband refuses to understand that the romantic love is gone based on my emotional needs not being met for many years in our marriage. I believe in my heart that those can be restored with the proper plan and willingness on both of our parts to follow the plan.

I am not thinking that I do not owe him restitution for my mistakes. I have set in place precautions to help prevent me from ever cheating again. I despise the person that it created me to be. I have committed to complete and total honesty and no contact for life with my affair partner.

INOH,

Were all of the OM from your previous affairs exposed?

Was your BH affair from years ago resolved or was it swept under the rug?

God Bless
Gamma

The OM that I had an ongoing affair with was exposed and NC in place. The several one time situations were exposed on my end but not on theirs as I had lost contact with them and had no way of exposing to their side.

My BH affair was exposed and NC in place.

INOH,

One of the key concepts is radical honesty, RH, which means that you don't lie about ANYTHING ever no matter how small, if you spend 100 dollars on a pair of shoes, don't tell your H you spent 50 dollars.

You said you had two OM you were attached to but only one has been exposed?

Did you offer to write out a timeline of your affairs for your BH?

Did you get DNA testing for your children and STD testing?

God Bless
Gamma

I am not in your shoes,but your husband's except I never had an affair. I am not here to judge you, just give you a female perspective from the other camp, if you will...the betrayed spouse's shoes. Again,no judgement, just how it is for me. I asked for a divorce, and without getting into the long story which is posted on my post the other day,Here is what happened. I asked for a divorce because we were no happily married anymore. According to how I felt and the actions my husband displayed. I was "forebearing"according to my therapist. I "capitulated," as Dr.Harley says, when you go along because you in my case are exhausted arguing about issues. I disconnected. But I did not go outside the marriage for consolation. No medals expected, just my individual morals and experience. Could I have? Sure, we all can. It is a choice to cheat or lie. But having said that, my husband did not want this divorce last spring/summer of mediation. However he did nothing to change a thing he did to change my mind to got through with a divorce after 35 yrs together. He complained he did not want the divorce to anyone with a pair of ears who would listen. And got such sympathy from mainly women and some men. he started a relationship when I physically left our home because he would not move out. I only found out about the OW because we live in a small town and people talked. Friend of mine told me. That is right of them. I did not shoot the messengers. I thanked them and got real angry at my husband. But I did not move back nor did he tell me he had an OW. No, he denied it, up and down. Still to this day, and we have reunited for almost a year this Fall, he denies it was a relationship with OW. So, what can one do if their spouse won't let you talk about it? You say you answered all questions your husband asked about your affair. Is this accurate? Would he agree? I am just asking. It is a huge block between the love even when one forgives, knowing you cannot talk about it and you need to. Until of course you feel validated and can then move on. Is OM in your area? Do you see him anywhere? This is a problem we have. We do not go where she hangs out, but she lives here part time and we must plan to not be where she is, because it is a trigger to a painful memory. My husband feels she, OW is "winning," because I ma not willing to go anywhere near her. That is what Dr. Harley advises. No contact whatsoever forever. I wish her no bodily harm, but I wish she would fall off the face of the earth! God will forgive me that thought. Why dd I come back? Good question. I suffered when I was away from my home. Mentally I was ok. I was in therapy. I had good good girlfriends. I did not go where gossip lived. I did not go out to bars as my husband was doing. And physically I was in pain, lower back, had to get cortisone shots. Broken foot, had to wait to move out for months. Emotionally, I was suffering and grieving a 35 year marriage ending. Even though I asked for a divorce. As my =grown son said, "Dad is comfortable." He never would have asked for a divorce. He did not need to, he did what he pleased all along.Until I said , "no more." I am no door mat. I was not at 20 and am not at 56. But we had history, sons and grandchild. I was grieving for the loss of all of this as a united family. An example of a good marriage. Which is was not often times or as a whole. Dishonesty is soul destroying.Even when you finally tell the truth. The lies don't disapate like rainwater in the sun. Lies are hurtful. Trust is obliterated and must be earned back. You don't have to wear a hareshirt for your life but you got to be humble when you hurt another person, your spouse so deeply by going to another man or woman. I had to get STD tests. Did your husband? Do you know how humiliating that is? Well, I will sign off for now, but know I will say a prayer for you and your husband. If people only knew how hurtful their affairs could be...would they ever got through with them? I was lonely in a marriage and during separation too. But I sought counsel and friends, not lovers and booze. Again, I want no medals. I am no martyr. Just a human being. A woman who needs love too. But you have to be willing to tell me the truth or you are not winning me back. I am here but my heart is still very broken. I cannot do the program alone. Being guilty over having an affair does no one any good. Being truly remorseful is a start. And understanding how the betrayed spouse needs such reassurance for a while would be so helpful if the spouse is willing to step outside their won comfort zone and be a giver and maybe get nothing in return for a bit. You can love without getting love back. People do it all the time. It is called selfless behavior. Mothers know it. Some dads too. No score kept. You simply give. Amazingly love grows in this environment. But not if you play tit for tat and say like my husband does "you left..." I got nowhere to go with that kind of response. Yes, I did leave. because you would not. And I cannot live in a dead marriage or I will die too. Good luck, and please take my words with the kindness I meant to convey and the raw honesty I cannot help but express.

Hi inneedofhelpms, welcome to Marriage Builders. Would your husband come here and speak to us?

As you probably already know, your marriage will not work as it has in the past. If your husband wants you to desire him, then he needs to take the necessary steps to create a romantic relationship. We can help him get what he wants.

Will he come here?

And do you have the book Surviving an Affair yet?

inneedofhelpms,

Dr. Harley had a radio broadcast last week that I think might speak to your situation:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=05141
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=05142
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=05143

Please give these a listen.

I have listened to the radio shows. Thanks for the links to them. Can someone give me some guidance on how to or what to do to help our situation right now? We are at a stand still on what to do or where to go from here. He is so adamant about things being a certain way and I am feeling helpless on what to do to make things better.

inneedofhelpms,

If your husband is adamant that he reap the benefits of a good marriage before he is ready to start building a good marriage, that is a pretty difficult problem.

Can the two of you read the book Surviving an Affair together? You can get the ebook version downloaded to your computer instantly for $10.

I think he needs to hear some professional information about what it takes to build a marriage that looks like what he wants.

Will he post here?

Ask him to read these articles:
How to Overcome Sexual Aversion
The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?


Okay, but that overflowing love was not present before you affair, correct? There were problems before the affair, and building a good marriage with lots of great sex takes work from both husband and wife. (Irregardless of who betrayed who, if anyone.)

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my cry for help. My husband is having an incredibly hard time in understanding and accepting that I "gave freely to the OM" and have such a problem with itimacy with husband. In his own words, "I should be receiving an overwhelming outpouring of love and itimacy from you if you are sorry and want to restore our marriage. If you can't give this to me immediately then we have no chance to repair our marriage."

Yes, there were problems before this with itimacy and sex. We have always struggled with being compatible with this area. I have tried to explain that for a very long time, when other things have happened, we have always tried to put a band aide on the problems and get back to normal very fast. My 21 yr. old son even said....mom this is bull****. Who cares how it looks to everyone else...our family is not perfect and to try to pretend to be is crazy. I am truly broken by all that has happened and I do not want to give up on our marriage. I also realize that to repair the damage and restore our marriage that we have to start from the ground up. First we have never given our marriage to God and modeled it after what the Bible says. Then and only then will we be able to work on restoring it to the potential God has planned for it.

I am running out of time and my husband is threatening divorce every day if these stipulations are not met!!!

Is he willing to come here?
Do you have the book Surviving An Affair?

I think you need to calmly meet his threats of divorce. He may well decide to end your marriage. But many people change their mind when they calm down.

Take a look at this:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html


Have you clicked on and read the articles I have posted? Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

inneed, would your husband be willing to watch this video?



Surviving infidelity

I have just reread most of your post. For this particular point, I would say do it! The more people that know about your affair, the better. They will help keep you accountable.

Dr. Harley advocates wide affair exposure.