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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
I appreciate everybody's posts and wisdom and will SINCERELY take all suggestions to heart.

While we've got you nodding, let's keep rolling....

We need some more data:
- Is WW employed to an extent that would permit her to support herself?
- Is your state one in which adultery can be used as a reason for divorce? Is it a state in which an "alienation of affection" suit is possible? (Find out!)

DO NOT tell WW about your imminent exposure. Doing so will enable her to do intense "damage control" that vitally weakens the SHOCK your action is designed to inflict!

I would have the exposure package out, and yourself back home, TOMORROW! Any delay lets the idea of "singleness" become more palatable to WW.

- Atm, she could probably JUST get by without my help financially - I'm paying some house related bills right now, since her insurance covers me and I don't have any insurance from my employer - but her parents always make her financial problems go away (this was a major plus during marriage wink ). Actually, if I were to move back in and the M ended, I wouldn't be able to support myself financially without moving at least 1.5 hours away.
- I'm actually from Canada, but I'll look into this adultery divorce thing.

I will not expose my exposure, don't worry.

P.S. If you're confused about me being Canadian and not having health insurance I can explain that. wink

Last edited by ClickityClack; 08/30/13 08:10 PM.
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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by ClickityClack
I was just thrown into a bout of denial since everybody seemed to advise to just jump to a divorce while my expectations were different.

Not to throw cold water on you, but...you should be discouraged.

It is harder for me to understand affairs in newlyweds. Three years into my M with no children was a completely different thing than 10+ years in with children, no more time alone, etc. Home life was stressful, life at work with the coworkers was fun and exciting, etc.

Your WW may just be one of those types of people that needs that "zing". Additionally, it sounds as if she actively pursued this affair vs it being an opps, how did this happen kind of thing.

This is where those radical changes I mentioned before would come in. The two of you would have to create a lifestye where an affair would be virtually impossible. That means no more FB and texting with male friends/coworkers, etc., spending all of your free time together. She very well may NOT willing to agree to any of this, given that you do not have children and she can walk away from this marriage pretty easily.

Just something to think about.

Yes, thank you. This whole thread is a much needed huge pot of cold water. And I know that if this becomes a divorce, I have a whole life ahead of me and all that jazz.

My WW is definitely a impulsive person (usually little things like purchases though), but she also lives in a ocean of guilt anyway from the way she was raised. Also, I just learned today that she has started going to therapy - I don't know if this changes anything, just fyi.

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So when do you plan on exposing?

Do you plan on moving back in your home?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
So when do you plan on exposing?

Do you plan on moving back in your home?

I'm sure the correct answer is ASAP. However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.

I edited a previous post, and in the long run, moving back to my home would not be financially feasible right now (while we're apart).

I'm also thinking about leaving the country for a few weeks in about about a month. Is this a good idea, or should I wait for some kind of event first?

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However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.
Oh,sheesh. You're dealing with a "local therapist"? I'm sorry - I'll bow out. I thought you were were working with Marriage Builders. Those 'local' therapists have their own gig going (which doesn't necessarily include healing marriages, just so you know - they're more into navel-gazing and helping you build your best self. Which has nothing to do with saving a marriage, BTW.)

You're thinking about leaving your WW and leaving the country??? Why in the world would you think about leaving the country if you want to save your marriage?????? faint

I get it. We're being played. grumble


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by ClickityClack
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
So when do you plan on exposing?

Do you plan on moving back in your home?

I'm sure the correct answer is ASAP. However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.

I edited a previous post, and in the long run, moving back to my home would not be financially feasible right now (while we're apart).

I'm also thinking about leaving the country for a few weeks in about about a month. Is this a good idea, or should I wait for some kind of event first?

No, you should move back into your house tonight, tomorrow at the latest. As far as confirmation of what you're doing is right is concerned goes, you have all the confirmation you need; disciples of the MB concepts structured by Dr. Bill Harley. This is not just the internet telling you what you should do. It's a proven methodology.


Your "local therapist" couldn't give you 2% of the valuable advice given here. When it comes to infidelity, you can bet your "local therapist" is completely ignorant on how to properly repair a marriage broken by infidelity. But ask if you must....at your own peril, I might add.

I'm in no way advocating you try and repair this. I would get the hell out and not look back. My words were not meant to entice you to reconcile with your WW, but to reconcile your mindset with the MB methods.

If followed, they work.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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Clickity,.

Please read this and watch the video.
How to Survive Infidelity


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Quote
However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.
Oh,sheesh. You're dealing with a "local therapist"? I'm sorry - I'll bow out. I thought you were were working with Marriage Builders. Those 'local' therapists have their own gig going (which doesn't necessarily include healing marriages, just so you know - they're more into navel-gazing and helping you build your best self. Which has nothing to do with saving a marriage, BTW.)

You're thinking about leaving your WW and leaving the country??? Why in the world would you think about leaving the country if you want to save your marriage?????? faint

I get it. We're being played. grumble

LOL!

Okay, Okay. Leaving the country is my plan if there's little chance of recovery and I have to cut my losses, which is what everybody seems to be saying. I'm not trying to disagree with anybody, again, I AM here for the advice.

I doubt I'm to first person to wary to the exposure plan. It is just so out of character for me and so far against my intuition to just announce "W left me for an affair! Help me get her back, she's being silly" cool she'll be back any minute now...

I do apologize for being on the fence with this, and understand that it is something that has to be done. Would changing my FB status to separated be a good start as well? I feel like that would get some balls rolling. Or should I wait until after the exposure to close, influential people?

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Originally Posted by Viper
Originally Posted by ClickityClack
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
So when do you plan on exposing?

Do you plan on moving back in your home?

I'm sure the correct answer is ASAP. However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.

I edited a previous post, and in the long run, moving back to my home would not be financially feasible right now (while we're apart).

I'm also thinking about leaving the country for a few weeks in about about a month. Is this a good idea, or should I wait for some kind of event first?

No, you should move back into your house tonight, tomorrow at the latest. As far as confirmation of what you're doing is right is concerned goes, you have all the confirmation you need; disciples of the MB concepts structured by Dr. Bill Harley. This is not just the internet telling you what you should do. It's a proven methodology.


Your "local therapist" couldn't give you 2% of the valuable advice given here. When it comes to infidelity, you can bet your "local therapist" is completely ignorant on how to properly repair a marriage broken by infidelity. But ask if you must....at your own peril, I might add.

I'm in no way advocating you try and repair this. I would get the hell out and not look back. My words were not meant to entice you to reconcile with your WW, but to reconcile your mindset with the MB methods.

If followed, they work.

How do I move back into the house when I can't afford it? Like, I can DEFINITELY not afford it by myself. We've also agreed that I would be bought out of the mortgage if we were to divorce. Or is this just in the meantime to show that she doesn't get to have the perks that WE had?

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Where is she living?

Do not change your FB status. You're married and so keep it as married.

Did you read the link I posted and watch the video?
Can you buy SAA and get it ASAP?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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She is living at our house.

I won't change anything.

I can't right now, but I will within the hour!

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Originally Posted by ClickityClack
Originally Posted by Viper
Originally Posted by ClickityClack
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
So when do you plan on exposing?

Do you plan on moving back in your home?

I'm sure the correct answer is ASAP. However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.

I edited a previous post, and in the long run, moving back to my home would not be financially feasible right now (while we're apart).

I'm also thinking about leaving the country for a few weeks in about about a month. Is this a good idea, or should I wait for some kind of event first?

No, you should move back into your house tonight, tomorrow at the latest. As far as confirmation of what you're doing is right is concerned goes, you have all the confirmation you need; disciples of the MB concepts structured by Dr. Bill Harley. This is not just the internet telling you what you should do. It's a proven methodology.


Your "local therapist" couldn't give you 2% of the valuable advice given here. When it comes to infidelity, you can bet your "local therapist" is completely ignorant on how to properly repair a marriage broken by infidelity. But ask if you must....at your own peril, I might add.

I'm in no way advocating you try and repair this. I would get the hell out and not look back. My words were not meant to entice you to reconcile with your WW, but to reconcile your mindset with the MB methods.

If followed, they work.

How do I move back into the house when I can't afford it? Like, I can DEFINITELY not afford it by myself. We've also agreed that I would be bought out of the mortgage if we were to divorce. Or is this just in the meantime to show that she doesn't get to have the perks that WE had?

Well, a lot of this depends on what you want the final outcome to be. Now, as far as moving back in is concerned, if you're not there, then guess who is or will be very soon?

If she wants to continue to carry on this sordid lifestyle, then force her to take it elsewhere. I wouldn't be laying out a red carpet for this ex-boyfriend to go into your marital home and take your place.

Make them work for it.

OTOH, if you don't care at this point, then just stand pat.

You need to choose a path and take it.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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Originally Posted by ClickityClack
She is living at our house.

I won't change anything.

I can't right now, but I will within the hour!
So then she's paying the mortgage by herself?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You move back/stay in the marital home partly for legal reasons. To establish that you are not the one who abandoned the marriage.

Someone will soon post a link to a thread about men not leaving their home, read it.

You have as much legal right to be there as she does

If she wants to separate, she leaves.

Doesn't mean you would stay there after a Divorce. Just protecting your interests


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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Well, at this moment, I would like the outcome to be a reconciliation between WW and me.

And right now I'm staying at my parents' place, and they're about 23 hours away from driving me nuts. You're right about it being a red carpet for them. OM is actually living at his parents' too & is unemployed so me moving back in would absolutely mess up their plans for shenanigans. I LIKE THIS.

The only thing is what if she stops paying into the mortgage? The arrangement we had/have is that the mortgage payment comes from her and I pay the other half of the bills so that it works out. Wouldn't she call my bluff (or whatever) and know that if she stops supporting me, that I'm kind of screwed?

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Originally Posted by ItCanGetBetter
You move back/stay in the marital home partly for legal reasons. To establish that you are not the one who abandoned the marriage.

Someone will soon post a link to a thread about men not leaving their home, read it.

You have as much legal right to be there as she does

If she wants to separate, she leaves.

Doesn't mean you would stay there after a Divorce. Just protecting your interests

Excited for this link. flirt

Should I get some legal advice then? The mortgage/title also has WW's parents on it - they own %25.

And yes, BrainHurts, she's paying the mortgage by herself. (We have a very cheap mortgage)

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If the mortgage falls behind, her credit takes the same hit yours does. Her name is on the mortgage.

That old arrangement may have been taking advantage of you. She was building equity in the house while you we're stuffing a shoe box with utility receipts.


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by ClickityClack
Well, at this moment, I would like the outcome to be a reconciliation between WW and me.

And right now I'm staying at my parents' place, and they're about 23 hours away from driving me nuts. You're right about it being a red carpet for them. OM is actually living at his parents' too & is unemployed so me moving back in would absolutely mess up their plans for shenanigans. I LIKE THIS.

The only thing is what if she stops paying into the mortgage? The arrangement we had/have is that the mortgage payment comes from her and I pay the other half of the bills so that it works out. Wouldn't she call my bluff (or whatever) and know that if she stops supporting me, that I'm kind of screwed?

Well, if reconciling is your mindset, then get your [censored] back in the house NOW and expose per Exposure 101. Read it, read it again, then read it again. Follow it to the letter. And don't send anything you have altered without running it through the human filters you have here at no charge to you (that has a nice ring to it, huh?).

She won't stop paying the mortgage. Don't worry about that, and even if she did, it wouldn't be something to worry about until a year or so from now.

If your goal is to try and reconcile, then bust up the affair. Period. Worry about the rest of it later.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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Originally Posted by ClickityClack
[
I'm sure the correct answer is ASAP. However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.

You are SO RIGHT to not just take advice off the internet!! I don't blame you a bit. But would you take the advice of Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist, founder of Marriage Builders and top selling author of 17 books on marriage?

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."
When Should an Affair Be Exposed?

Most of us here in recovered marriages attribute that to exposure. Our marriages were saved by exposing the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure is the most effective weapon you have.

On the other hand, "therapists" have no experience and no qualifications in saving marriages from adultery. They are downright destructive to marriages when there has been an affair. Dr Harley's program is completely different and he has been very successful.

Here are his credentials: Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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