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Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun

Please explain how my phone is a problem. Rather, my phone number, as I don't have the option to get rid of my phone.


It is a problem because it is a condition that existed in the affair that needs to be changed in order to prevent the affair from rekindling. This affair proofing/NC 101.

But the point really is if you can't be bothered to do something so simple, your M isn't going to make it.

Selfishness, laziness and lack of extraordinary care is what got your marriage into the crisis that is in right now.. Continuation of the same behavior = no recovery.


I've made plenty of changes. Changing one's phone number when it is a work phone as well as a personal phone (for everything, we have no land line) is actually extremely difficult. I changed it last year and it was a nightmare; I only recently stopped having complications with work because of it. And for what? If OM was contacting me, I would, but he has made no attempts. And even if I change my number, I still have his. Memorized.

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Then you are not willing to do what it takes to save your marriage.


Markos' Wife
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8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
Hey all-


My husband, however, has stayed mildly depressed. He is passionate about his job but nothing else, he shows a very limited range of emotions and he rarely wanted to do anything active with me.


I am not surprised that your H is depressed and that he is only passionate about work. Maybe work is the only place where he gets any recognition for his own strengths and accomplishments.


Who wants to spend their life in constant competition with their spouse?


If you are only interested in your own self fulfillment and cannot change because that is who you are - then you should divorce your H before you brings kids into the picture.

Good luck to you Rungirlrun. I see you headed down a long lonely road.


ME: BW
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Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun

Please explain how my phone is a problem. Rather, my phone number, as I don't have the option to get rid of my phone.


It is a problem because it is a condition that existed in the affair that needs to be changed in order to prevent the affair from rekindling. This affair proofing/NC 101.

But the point really is if you can't be bothered to do something so simple, your M isn't going to make it.

Selfishness, laziness and lack of extraordinary care is what got your marriage into the crisis that is in right now.. Continuation of the same behavior = no recovery.


I've made plenty of changes. Changing one's phone number when it is a work phone as well as a personal phone (for everything, we have no land line) is actually extremely difficult. I changed it last year and it was a nightmare; I only recently stopped having complications with work because of it. And for what? If OM was contacting me, I would, but he has made no attempts. And even if I change my number, I still have his. Memorized.


Okey dokey.

When you are ready to start listening and learning, we'll be here!


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Changing your phone number is a very basic Extraordinary Precaution. If you can't do that, then you are at risk and a danger to your husband.

All it takes is one phone call out of the blue for the affair to resume and everything to crumble. ONE.


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FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun

I've made plenty of changes.


Are you just here to argue? Is this what you are going to say every time someone tells you something needs to be done?

MB is ALL about making changes -- taking your spouse's feelings and what's best for the marriage into account for all aspects of your decision making.


Last edited by SusieQ; 09/11/13 03:32 PM.

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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
"I will not change who I am and my passion in life in order to stay with anyone. I would never in a million years expect that of anyone else either. I think some of y'all are ridiculous. Nobody should ever have to change the crux of who they are to make someone else happy; if they do, they are obviously married to the wrong person. "

Dr Harley would classify you as a "freeloader." Freeloaders can't sustain a marriage anyway so your husband is better off cutting his losses now. His future with you will be a disaster.


I was giving her too much credit when I originally assumed she was a "renter." The more RGR wrote, the more obvious it became that she doesn't even approach her relationship with a "renter's" level of commitment. She is a "freeloader." Her marriage is doomed.

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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun

I'm guessing you don't know many athletes. smile regardless, I have depression and anxiety that are regulated through exercise. They're caused by a hormone imbalance.


I rode horses professionally at the upper levels when DH and I met. He requested I stop riding for others and training professionally, and I have. I still have a pony in the backyard, I may hop on some friend's backyard horses, but I haven't thrown my leg across a professional level horse in several years.

My marriage is worth far more than any hobby, even a hobby we had when I met, that I've invested many years into.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
And even if I change my number, I still have his. Memorized.
Why do you keep calling attention to the fact that you have the scumbag's number memorized? Are you assuming your husband will read this and trying to make him afraid that you will call the scumbag? It's perfectly obvious that you intend to leave your husband--simply because you feel like it--and are looking for public validation on this forum. You're not going to get it.

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The thing is RG, you keep saying "my husband doesent want me to quit running, my husband is happy to do this or that etc" the problem is that your Husband is not an expert at saving marriages like the creator of this forum and therefore with all due respect his opinion of what's acceptable for you to keep on doing is not relevant right now plus as you clearly stated he is DEPRESSED and has just had to go though your unfaithfulness do you really think either of you are in a position to know how to save your marriage??

People here have saved their marriages, they have has to take DRASTIC steps to recover from infidelity and create a great marriage where BOTH spouses are happy and satisfied.

No one here asked you to do anything that will harm you or your wellbeing. Yeah changing a phone number is a hassle but so is risking your Husband triggering and falling back into depression because the OM might one day decide he wants to contact you again. It's only been 12 days since you broke contact how on earth can you be so sure the OM will never contact you again?? After all you claim you had such a powerful connection.

Last edited by NB28; 09/11/13 03:47 PM.

BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
Actually, you guys are the ones throwing orders and judgments at me. At least dr whatshisname (can't access the book right now as it's on the same tablet that I'm using) is able to approach matters with some understanding and explanation as to why certain steps are important.

H and I did have a good conversation earlier and I was feeling better about things until I came back here. So maybe it is best that I leave for a while and try to muddle through with H.

Wow!!!

Dr. Harley. I guess you would know that if you were serious about saving your marriage and learning MB concepts from Dr. Harley's website.

I guess you need to get out of the Fog first. Your poor BH.


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
Originally Posted By: JessicaClaire
Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
I will not change who I am and my passion in life in order to stay with anyone. I would never in a million years expect that of anyone else either. I think some of y'all are ridiculous. Nobody should ever have to change the crux of who they are to make someone else happy; if they do, they are obviously married to the wrong person.


Your identity and sense of self-worth are so fragile that you would lose it if you stopped running? Your favorite activity has actually become "the crux of who you are"? When you said that your hobby "literally" keeps you from going insane, I assumed you were exagerating. If your mental health is really that unstable, I'm afraid you are going to have a very difficult time saving your marriage. Regardless, I wish you and your husband all the best.


I'm guessing you don't know many athletes. smile I played Division 1 soccer. So yeah, I know something about sports. I never had a teammate whose sense of identity was derived from playing soccer. That isn't even close to normal, not even at the highest level of college athletics.

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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
Originally Posted By: JessicaClaire
Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
I will not change who I am and my passion in life in order to stay with anyone. I would never in a million years expect that of anyone else either. I think some of y'all are ridiculous. Nobody should ever have to change the crux of who they are to make someone else happy; if they do, they are obviously married to the wrong person.


Your identity and sense of self-worth are so fragile that you would lose it if you stopped running? Your favorite activity has actually become "the crux of who you are"? When you said that your hobby "literally" keeps you from going insane, I assumed you were exagerating. If your mental health is really that unstable, I'm afraid you are going to have a very difficult time saving your marriage. Regardless, I wish you and your husband all the best.


I'm guessing you don't know many athletes. smile


I was a stroke on a collegiate lightweight 8-sweep crew team, Snookums, and even at my now-advanced age, remain a high-level official in two sports (plus instructor and official-assessor in one), so PLEASE don't flatter your knowledge of the athletic mindset at the expense of, for example, mine!

And while we're on that topic, friend, if you were to read my story you'd find that my preoccupation with that athletic commitment almost cost me MY marriage! But you know it all......

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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
running replaced my lexapro


PS

This is something you have hinted at several times in this thread - the fact that you use endurance running for your depression.

You don't have to be an endurance/marathon runner to get the benefits of exercise to combat depression and anxiety.

Many of us here exercise regularly for this reason, so yes, we do know.


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RGR,

I will try to keep this short and simple. Remember, I speak from experience here as the wayward spouse.

A lot of what you have read today may seem judgmental; in fact, it is based on experience, personal and witnessed here on the forums and in real life. Infidelity feels special, unique, often "meant to be" in the heat of the moment, when in reality it is a predictable display of tawdry, immoral behavior and self-betrayal.

You may not see this now. There is hope you will eventually. However, it requires you follow a very narrow path, often with radical changes. The concern about NC, changing phone numbers, even participating in events where the OM might be, is all part of that narrow path. With each "hit" from the affair crackpipe (OM, mementos, memories, photos, songs, even thoughts), you maintain an addled state of mind. Moreover, each contact further hurts your husband and gives you both that much more to surmount. The emphasis on NC not only applies to your actions, but to the OM's as well. Who is to say he won't decide to pick up the phone and call you? When one is serious about recovery, one would not hesitate to change that number in a heartbeat if it posed a risk, no matter how small, for breaking NC.

Understandably, you are not there yet. But there is hope you will be.

Please reflect on the posts you read today. It is often said the ones that anger you the most hit the closest to home. Posters are pointing out prevarications, foggy thinking, and needless preoccupations that you cannot yet see for yourself. (Yes, affairs are that predictable.) Instead of taking offense, force yourself to stop and think. Have an open mind and an open heart. Humility will take you very far. Anger, inflated egos, and selfishness will keep you squarely on your current path...which I can't imagine has been all that great thus far.


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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
I think that the ONLY time someone writes

"don't judge me"

is when they KNOW their actions will be judged because they KNOW they have acted badly!

A person never says:

"I educate my child .... please don't judge me."
"I've been faithful to my vows ... please don't judge me."
"I got an A on my book report ... please don't judge me."
"I exercised and watched my diet and lost 35 pounds ... please don't judge me."

They might say:

"I don't make my child attend school ... please don't judge me."
"I've cheated on my spouse ... please don't judge me."
"I failed my book report ... please don't judge me."
"I ate 12 donuts and sat around on my butt all day and now I am fat ... please don't judge me."

It is a that your conscience bothers you when you say:

"Please don't judge me"

You know your actions deserve scrutiny - but you reject that very same scrutiny.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
Actually, you guys are the ones throwing orders and judgments at me. At least dr whatshisname (can't access the book right now as it's on the same tablet that I'm using) is able to approach matters with some understanding and explanation as to why certain steps are important.

H and I did have a good conversation earlier and I was feeling better about things until I came back here. So maybe it is best that I leave for a while and try to muddle through with H.


I think that's a good idea. Dr. Harley gives reasons as to why you need to change your number, why getting rid of Facebook is a good preventative measure/step to take to protect your marriage while you are rebuilding.

Being told to change your number, stop running, get rid of facebook without a solid reason is not only confusing to you (because you don't know the reason), but it can also turn you off using this forum to help you get on track.

Please follow the material inside of the book Surviving an Affair. Once you're both done moving on to His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters is also recommended. Great books to help strengthen your marriage.

Good luck. Stay focused. Keep your marriage #1 in your life and you will make it.


There is a crack in everything - it's how the light gets in.
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Originally Posted By: everythingcracks
Being told to change your number, stop running, get rid of facebook without a solid reason is not only confusing to you (because you don't know the reason), but it can also turn you off using this forum to help you get on track.


I beg your pardon? She was given reasons for these very basic first steps. Just because she doesn't WANT to do these things does not mean they are not important. These are recommendations straight from the horses mouth. The only reason she is "turned off" is because she is wayward and is averse to affair proofing her marriage. The people on this thread are peers just like you and I who have taken valuable time out of their lives to help this person. Please respect that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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