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Quote:
I am confused about why you think this is different from the other 99%?

Your wife hasn't done or said anything unusual, or that would make your recovery impossible. I have said and felt many of the things she has expressed. She is behaving like a normal woman in withdrawal.


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Believe it or not, as confusing as all of that is, I think I get it now.

The biggest problem for me is clearing my mind....


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Although I'll probably get confused again... smile


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Just keep coming back for support. We'll stick with you!


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Originally Posted By: FightTheFight
Although I'll probably get confused again... smile


That's what we are here for! laugh


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I like what somebody said about keeping things light (but please no Sy...haha). This may sound odd but some of the times I feel closest to my husband is when we are both laughing about the same dumb thing.

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**edit**

Last edited by MBsurvivor; 09/17/13 09:11 PM. Reason: TOS disruptive, sarcastic
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Do not disrupt this thread anymore. Help this poster find solutions using Marriage Builders concepts or refrain from posting! Please familiarize yourself with Dr Harley's material and keep your posts productive and helpful to the OP.


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Originally Posted By: Prisca
Keep it light and enjoyable. These light things are not superficial -- they are essential to filling her lovebank.


I'll post this one again. There are a lot of times people think that there has to be some strange "depth" to intimate conversation, and it presents two problems; it makes them dismiss what is actually good intimate conversation, and it leads them to allow themselves to fall into intimate conversation with people they shouldn't.

So;

Quote:

Clichs - Clichs are simple conversation starters such as, Hello, how are you? When these are handled with ease and grace, safety is generated and people are willing to go to the next level. If they feel judged, criticized or ridiculed they will go no further. People start here to see if it is safe to connect.


How are you?
What have you been up to lately?


Facts - Facts can be personal or non-personal facts about the weather, sports, current events; whatever can be addressed in conversation without too much risk. Except in the case of know-it-alls, this is a great level for people to test whether a person is a safe conversationalist.



Non-personal
What was the score of the game?
What is the weather forecast?
Personal
What did you do today?
What have you learned recently?
What have you been reading lately?
What is your favorite color, food, song etc.?

Opinions - The opinion level is the first level of vulnerability, marked by a persons willingness to risk revealing something about who they are. This is often the level where conversations break down; where disagreements of opinion reveal inflexibility and intolerance. Conversely, if a person is willing to allow others to disagree without rejecting, ridiculing or punishing, the conversation can continue to the next level.


What are your preferences concerning?
What are your beliefs about?
What do you think about?


Hopes & Dreams - If we navigate safely through the level of opinions, people will often be willing to reveal what truly inspires them. Sharing hopes and dreams identifies what a person wants to become or how they ant to live. Being safe enough to entrust others with your dreams prepares you to connect at an even deeper level.


If you could live any way you liked, how would you like to live?
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you like to live?
What goals do you have for your life?
What area of study would you like to become an expert in?
If you could be famous for something, what would you like to be famous for?
What would you like written on your tombstone? In your obituary?
Who would you like to help? How would you help them if you could?
What one thing would make you truly happy?
Who are the people youd like to learn from in life?
What personal qualities do you hope to develop in the future?
What skills do you hope to develop in your lifetime?
What do you dream about being the best in the world at doing?
What are 5 things you dream about having?
What are 5 things you dream about doing?
What are 5 things you dream about being?
Who are 5 people or groups you dream about helping?
What would you do if you knew you could not fail at it?


Feelings - When the environment is safe enough to be honest with our feelings, only then are we able to feel truly connected. Inviting someone else into our feelings, however, makes us feel vulnerable, and for most people is a difficult obstacle to overcome, depending on how accepting and validating their past experiences have been while sharing feelings with others.


When in our life have you felt special to others?
Who in your life made you feel safe, loved, accepted? How did they do that?
Who in your life made you feel the most rejected, devalued, abandoned, invisible?
What are you most passionate about?
What do you feel about:
Your relationship to God?
Your most significant friendship?
Your relationship to your parents?
Your relationship to co-workers?
Your reputation in the community?
How secure do you feel in your life right now? (Why, or Why not?)
How significant do you feel in your ability to contribute to others, to your community, to the world? (In what way? Why, or Why not?)
Do you feel like you are becoming the person you want to be?
Do you feel like you belong?
Do you feel competent in your ability to build something of value?
What are the biggest hurts have you experienced in the past?


Fears, Failures and Weaknesses - This level is uncomfortable for many of us because in our culture weakness is seen as a fault, and past sharing of ones fears and failures may have been met with ridicule and rejection rather than acceptance and support. Conversely when openness on this level is met with care and nurturing, real healing and growth can occur.


What makes you feel like you dont measure up?
What makes you feel like you are unlovable?
What do you think would make others reject you?
What are some lies youve been told in the past?
What do you feel you must hide from others out of fear that they would reject you?
What makes you feel ignored?
What makes you feel rejected?
What makes you feel humiliated?
What makes you feel incompetent?
What makes you feel like a failure?
What makes you feel inadequate?
What is your biggest fear in life?


Needs - Sharing our needs in a way that is vulnerable (not demanding) is a sign of maturity, as is the ability to truly listen to one another. Sometimes our conversations lack meaning because we fail to listen or fail to ask the right questions. We fail to listen because we dont know how to subjugate our own needs in order to meet the needs of others.


Spirit what do you need to thrive spiritually?
Soul what do you need to thrive in your relationships?
Mind what do you need to learn and grow in to thrive mentally?
Strength what do you need thrive physically?
When have you experienced great joy?
Describe what you think constitutes true happiness?
How do you help others experience joy?
What do you need in order to be secure?
What do you need in order to be safe?
What do you need in order to be significant?
What do you need in order to be competent?
What do you need in order to be powerful?
What do you need in order to belong?
What do you need to be clear about?
What do you need in order to build something of lasting value?
What do you need to know God better?
What do you need to feel special to others?
What do you need in order to feel like you are understood?
What do you need in order to do something great?
What do you need in order to achieve something that will last?
What recognition do you need?


Everything from hopes and dreams down is intimate conversation, and the stage for that is set in opinions.

Why?

Because for there to be intimacy in conversation, one must feel safe to express an opinion to their spouse without it being met with rejection (for instance an AO or DJ).


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Date went well. We stumbled into another trivia night and won! We got a $25 gift certificate to the restaurant!

After dinner we went by Home Depot and bought some vinyl tiles, came home and tiled the entry way. Pretty good night.


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How would FC rate it? Was it fun for her?


Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
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Originally Posted By: FightTheFight
Date went well. We stumbled into another trivia night and won! We got a $25 gift certificate to the restaurant!

After dinner we went by Home Depot and bought some vinyl tiles, came home and tiled the entry way. Pretty good night.


hurray Good job!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Did she enjoy it?
Did ya'll get to talk a lot?


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Originally Posted By: catwhit
How would FC rate it? Was it fun for her?


I think she had a good time. I don't think she would rate it as unpleasant. You'd have to ask her I guess. We did get to go shopping for the tiles and we also bought a rug for the bathroom. I know she liked that part. smile

Originally Posted By: Prisca
Did she enjoy it?
Did ya'll get to talk a lot?


We did get to talk a lot. Not sure it was about anything deep or anything like that, but we did talk.


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Oh, and I think the new babysitter is going to work just fine. She arrived early and had the kids in bed by the time we got back. She is coming again Thursday, and then we have our regular sitter coming Saturday.


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Quote:
We did get to talk a lot. Not sure it was about anything deep or anything like that, but we did talk.

GREAT! Did you see HHH's suggestions above on Intimate Conversation? They were good.


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Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Originally Posted By: Prisca
Keep it light and enjoyable. These light things are not superficial -- they are essential to filling her lovebank.


I'll post this one again. There are a lot of times people think that there has to be some strange "depth" to intimate conversation, and it presents two problems; it makes them dismiss what is actually good intimate conversation, and it leads them to allow themselves to fall into intimate conversation with people they shouldn't.


Dr. Harley has mentioned that even superficial conversation has a bonding effect! Just relating the mundane events of your day together can cement a marriage. (Or start an affair if you do it with the wrong person.)

Prisca and I stay in constant conversation throughout the day even when I'm gone to work. We IM, we text, we email, etc. I believe it's vital love bank deposits that help keep her over the top past the threshold of romantic love. (And I enjoy it immensely nowadays!)


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: markos
[
Dr. Harley has mentioned that even superficial conversation has a bonding effect!


My H and I have wonderful conversations on our dates and they are never deep. We flirt; talk about the news, our jobs, funny things we see on facebook, our friends, family members, the paint color for our living room, etc. My H does not like intense subjects so we always keep it light and positive on dates.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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FTF, another suggestion is to have your wife pick out your clothes for your dates. I am VERY attracted to my husband when he wears certain shirts but other shirts or weird shoes are a BIG YUCK. I also like it when he wears a specific cologne. And be sure and brush your teeth and hair! laugh


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: FightTheFight

And January. And we have been coaching with Jennifer.

It always seems to come back to money when we talk about it. It's not just having enough to go out ourselves, but it's having enough to go out AND do those other things with friends.


Did you have a question answered on the show on 8-23?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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