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AR,

I bet you feel like you are getting beat up here. And you're not the one having the affair!

There is a good reason for all of the advice you are getting here. Consider that you are in as much of a fog as you WW right now. You can see her fog. The seemingly futile task of trying to convince her to do something that's in her own best interest.

You can't see your own right now. Think about it. People here are not trying to ruin your life. They know what works.

You say leave it in God's hands. Please consider it's possible God has sent you here for a reason.


Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur

DS(11)
DD(7)

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Originally Posted By: JessicaClaire
No child should have to be "educated" by an adult who is actively destroying the child's family. The fact that the "adult" in this case is the children's own mother, makes it exponentially worse. Show your children the care and respect they deserve. Get them out of their mother's soap opera and into a setting where they can actually focus on their schoolwork. Enroll them in public or private school. Let WW deal with the homeschool fallout. Those are the natural consequences of her choices.
I disagree. AR's children do not need to go to public school at this point. His children can continue to be educated in a homeschooling setting. The other parents will take on the schooling that his WW has abdicated by her affair. This is natural in a homeschooling group - the members of the group will 'pick up the slack'.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Originally Posted By: JessicaClaire
No child should have to be "educated" by an adult who is actively destroying the child's family. The fact that the "adult" in this case is the children's own mother, makes it exponentially worse. Show your children the care and respect they deserve. Get them out of their mother's soap opera and into a setting where they can actually focus on their schoolwork. Enroll them in public or private school. Let WW deal with the homeschool fallout. Those are the natural consequences of her choices.
I disagree. AR's children do not need to go to public school at this point. His children can continue to be educated in a homeschooling setting. The other parents will take on the schooling that his WW has abdicated by her affair. This is natural in a homeschooling group - the members of the group will 'pick up the slack'.


She abdicated her teaching role?

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Quote:
She abdicated her teaching role?
You're correct - she hasn't abdicated yet. My point is that AR's kids don't need to be plunked into a public school just because his wife is wayward.

Her teaching role needs to be removed from her.

I would never recommend that the kids be put into public school at this point.


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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Quote:
She abdicated her teaching role?
You're correct - she hasn't abdicated yet. My point is that AR's kids don't need to be plunked into a public school just because his wife is wayward.

Her teaching role needs to be removed from her.

I would never recommend that the kids be put into public school at this point.


So you feel that AR's children should be subjected to this until . . . when? At what point would you recommend that the children be granted a reprieve from this horrendous situation? It sounds like WW has no intention of abdicating her role, and no one is going to remove her from the position.

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Quote:
So you feel that AR's children should be subjected to this until . . . when? At what point would you recommend that the children be granted a reprieve from this horrendous situation? It sounds like WW has no intention of abdicating her role, and no one is going to remove her from the position.
First of all, remember that AR's kids are being subjected to 'this' regardless of their schooling. Public, private, homeschool - his WW is still betraying them. Putting them in public school would change nothing. NOTHING is going to 'remove them from this horrendous situation' until his WW leaves OM. Which has NOTHING to do with their education.

You have obviously never been involved in homeschooling. AR's homeschooling community will surround his kids and will teach them - they will pick up the slack that his WW once filled.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Quote:
So you feel that AR's children should be subjected to this until . . . when? At what point would you recommend that the children be granted a reprieve from this horrendous situation? It sounds like WW has no intention of abdicating her role, and no one is going to remove her from the position.
First of all, remember that AR's kids are being subjected to 'this' regardless of their schooling. Public, private, homeschool - his WW is still betraying them. Putting them in public school would change nothing. NOTHING is going to 'remove them from this horrendous situation' until his WW leaves OM. Which has NOTHING to do with their education.

You have obviously never been involved in homeschooling. AR's homeschooling community will surround his kids and will teach them - they will pick up the slack that his WW once filled.



Your arguments are based on logical fallacies.

The horrendous situation to which I referred was clearly defined in my previous post: It is requiring a child to be "educated" by an adult who is destroying the child's family. Your rebuttal contained a straw man logical fallacy. You attributed to me a ridiculous claim that I did not make. I did not suggest that sending the children to a different school would magically stop WW's infidelity. That is absurd. If you want to attack someone's position, you cannot misrepresent it.

Also, the fact that I suggested the children should be treated respectfully tells you nothing whatsoever regarding my personal experience regarding homeschooling. Again, that was an illogical conclusion. Your argument also incorporated an ad populum fallacy. Your suggestion that homeschoolers have shared values or beliefs that I couldn't understand unless I was one, is also illogical.

And your assertion that they will fill WW's role eventually is a red herring fallacy. I didn't suggest they would have trouble filling her role if she left; I didn't even address that issue because it is irrelevant. She isn't leaving! My point was that WW's children should not be forced to learn in that environment, and certainly not for an indefinite period. Dr. Harley has even stated that the children of a wayward should not be forced to deal with that parent if they don't want to, yet this forces them to deal with her as a teacher every single day. I can't imagine Dr. Harley would endorse putting a wayward's children in this situation.

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The only thing I have to add is to tell AR that sometimes it takes a little time for the effects of the exposure to manifest themselves. So don't give up! In my case my WW was involved in a 1.5 year affair. I exposed on July 25, and she didn't agree to end the affair until August 19th. So don't give up, don't be afraid to expose to more people, and above all keep praying and trusting that the Lord will stand by you in your time of need.


DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
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If the marriage does not survive due to the affair, are the children going to continue to be homeschooled? By Mom? By Dad?

Be open to re-designing the situation AR.

(I have home schooled... private schooled and public schooled my children.....it is possible to switch gears)

Is WW a stay at home mom? Then, you are funding her affair. Will you continue to fund her if the marriage goes kaput? If the OM is more alluring than the status quo?

Think of various angles of this as you move forward.







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Let's stop the debate about schooling and help this poster resolve his immediate problems. This is not the appropriate time or place for an extended debate about a side issue.


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Originally Posted By: AR2kids
Hey Blindsighted - how old were your children when exposed? how old are they now? What got your WW out of the affair?


Our daughters are 29 and 26, much older than your children. An interesting tidbit that may help you though, is that the 26 yo has much anger about this due to the fact that she knew that something was going on back then and never told me. The 29 yo has stated to both of us that she realized that her Dad did not put her first, and that she appreciates (now) knowing that it wasn't because of HER.

Children NOTICE!

My husband was the wayward spouse. I had not found this site yet when he went no contact, but I did somehow do a fair job of instinctively following the
suggestions on this site.

Once his A had been shown the light of day, he turned back to me and went no contact. He did get angry at first and try to blame things on me. I instinctively did what Marcos and others have suggested to you...pretty much responded to him by pleasantly offering him a bowl of popcorn. Seriously!

AR2kids, not sure if you know this, but you can click on any person's screen name and then click to show their posts. Then go back to the first post to see their "story" (if they made an initial post with their story). You can go and read mine that way if you choose. Everyone is different, and mine is a WHusband, where I've read that WWives do have a lot of different characteristics. It was very helpful for me to read other poster's stories.


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Please listen to this. This BH's WW had a 10 year Affair.

Radio Clip of WW's 10 Year Affair
Segment #2
Segment #3


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Make believe does not work in real life.

Pretending to expose is just making believe.

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I'm still reading...and thinking...
Here's what is on my mind today.

I think WW is setting a horrible example to our children. 1) having an affair is okay; 2) disrespecting one's husband by demanding to sleep in the same house that he is paying for is okay; 3) lying to people by passing yourself off as the happy housewife is okay; 4) Telling the children that "Church is good - you must go" and then not going (and confessing and repenting) yourself is okay;
These are all good persuasion arguments I will use to get her to move out.

She has a choice; stop seeing him or move out.

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I would let her know that continuing her affair while living there is incredibly painful to you and the kids. It is a terrible example for the kids to see her running off to commit adultery. It is incredibly disrespectful for her to conduct her affair while living with you and the kids.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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**edit**

moderators note: do not continue this debate!

Last edited by MBsurvivor; 09/21/13 08:05 PM. Reason: TOS disruptive

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Maritalbliss,
Does this mean "no more debate about the side-issue",
Or "No more posting on my discussion?"

And what does TOS mean?

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Here is what I plan to discuss in my counseling session tonight (I sent this email to the counselor):

========================================
I don't think that I have to recount the ways in which WW's behavior and actions are such horrible examples for our children. I don't think I have to recount how she is inflicting pain on me every day. And I can't help but believe that she is happy about what she is doing and fully aware of what she's doing. She is trying to "make me pay."

Therefore I am going to give her one last choice: 1) she can stop seeing that piece of crap and stay in the house and I will make as many compromises and cooperate as best I can to ensure a speedy and painless divorce with equal custody and everything; 2) same as number one except she continues to see that lowlife and moves out and we will arrange her plenty of visitation in the house until the MSA is done and signed and ordered.

If she chooses neither, and to continue on her daily attack on me and the children's well-being, then I will expose her affair to the homeschool community teachers and parents, to all of our neighbors, to all of her workplace associates, to all of the Sunday school teachers and members in the church that we know, to Sydney's swim team coaches, and to the parents of the swim team friends, and to the parents of all other friends of Sydney's and Deitrich's that come over to play. I will also begin a daily dialogue with the children discussing WW's behavior in a respectful and truthful way. I won't worry about their well-being, for as WW puts it, "The children will get counseling. They will be just fine."

Time for her to accept the consequences. The consequences will come sooner or later, and she can delay them and deal with them later by simply choosing 1) or 2).

This will be WW's choice. I hope that she chooses number one, but we know she won't do that. So then I prefer she chooses 2).

================================

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Sigh... Blackmailing her will only result in her going further underground. You are trying to make a "deal" with a practiced liar who is deep into an addiction. It achieves nothing. And all you do by keeping her secret for her is fuel the affair. As long as she has a small part of of her world where no one knows, she can continue to pretend while her fantasy thrives.

Threatening her is also forewarning her and by doing so you neutralize one of your most potent weapons. Forewarned is forearmed. Even the dumbest wayward can figure out a way to pre-empt you if she is forewarned. How hard would it be to tell the parents that you are a "jealous nut" who imagines every male friend is trying to get her in bed?

I am completely baffled about why you REFUSE to use one of your most potent weapons. What possible good reason is there?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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When are you exposing to the Homeschool parents?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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