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Looks like a very powerful tool. I will have to buy it no contract and unlocked, will be about 600 dollars. But I see that it could work.. Will need to bust my ass to make this purchase doable but I'm very very very tempted in this idea now thank you wow

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Originally Posted By: Srw
Looks like a very powerful tool. I will have to buy it no contract and unlocked, will be about 600 dollars. But I see that it could work.. Will need to bust my ass to make this purchase doable but I'm very very very tempted in this idea now thank you wow

This is an excellent idea. She will love the new phone and you will have spyware and be able to get the goods.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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It's a huge investment for my funds right now as I've been struggling but hey marriage is the biggest investment of all and if I can figure this out once and for all...

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The only thing sketching me out now is that she will have to add a new SIM card to activate this USA phone for her UK service plan. I'm wondering if the switch will delete my spyware. Will have to call apple and the spyware companies customer service

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Originally Posted By: Srw
The only thing sketching me out now is that she will have to add a new SIM card to activate this USA phone for her UK service plan. I'm wondering if the switch will delete my spyware. Will have to call apple and the spyware companies customer service

Yes contact them. They will let you know.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Srw
The only thing sketching me out now is that she will have to add a new SIM card to activate this USA phone for her UK service plan. I'm wondering if the switch will delete my spyware. Will have to call apple and the spyware companies customer service


I often switch between a US and a UK SIM in an iPhone and this switch does not disturb any of the existing applications. Just make sure that the notification method is via email not over the phone network as obviously the phone number string will be wrong from UK.


3 adult children
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Where would this man buy a UK Sim card if that is what the new high end phone will utilize.

He probably should supply her with both the US and UK cards so she has no need to go to a phone shop for them to implement the product.

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Great information thank you everyone! Here's an update as well.. She went to a bachelorette party sat night. It was all girls indeed and no strippers but they did go clubbing. I stumbled upon a quick drunken blurry video online her friend posted, on the dancefloor scanning the girls dancing real quick, all the girls are dancing with the other girls, having fun, then the camera pans over to my wife hip to hip with a guy at a 45 degree angle, it appears they each have an arm around each other and she's downing a beer while he is talking in her ear and sleazily grinning. The video ends a few seconds after that and I'm not sure what is going on in my head now. Feels like a building caving inside my head and heart



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You know what's going on.

Now, get your evidence and blow it up,..... If you still feel this marriage deserves your efforts.

Don't let her hang on, but keep you at a distance just for the marital benefits.

Now that you have seen her getting friendly with another guy, do you still want her?

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Oh, and copy and save that video for yourself for part of your proof.

LTL

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I've saved it and I'm feeling so confused. I want to try to say she is just so damaged and f'd up herself right now that she will feel regret about her decisions later, but then part of me just says dude you accidentally married a hoe bag. And this activity won't ever stop. She told me weeks ago she's gonna need time to "see if she can do this" and apparently she's figuring out that she can't, she can't withhold these boundaries as a spouse should. As a wayward though, we can't expect her to make the right choices that would be healthy for me and her, she sees me as the enemy and she's not playing the role of my wife anymore. She's single in her actions. I want her but holy cow after this, it's no longer the fool in love, I'm gonna need some extreme recovery work if she so chooses to come around and try us again, we both are going to have to fall back In love because seeing her like that sort of just killed me today.


I have this urge now that rather than following her instructions, and not being pushy, to wait to ship off for basic til after January, I'm instead going to try to ship off as soon as possible and once it comes time for me to be stationed with her, I will hit her with the "it's our marriage or it's the booze and clubs and strange men, you've had months to figure this out"

I'm trying to follow all these protocols I'm seeing on MB and I just end up blurring all the lines

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I also don't want to make quick emotion based decisions either, as they can screw up a good logical approach..

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If anyone would be so kind as to help me figure out how to implement Plan A in my situation.

right now she is currently working with me in discussing our future Air Force careers. She's speaking as if she will really be a part of my life later, it could be a ploy to get me independent and out of her hair. But I'm taking these discussions as a good thing regardless. She's not ignoring me anymore.


She's been a little more affectionate, but as I read on these forums, the sadly humorous yet true, " mid life crisis" step by step of a wayward. To string me along until I call it quits from exhaustion, she can be minimally nice every now and then to keep me barely breathing. Sent me a nude picture tonight.


She is still gone most of the day without contact with me, still blocked on some social networking sites where she posts blatant "wild party girl" type photos. She's trying to find herself in all the wrong places, like the bottom of a bottle. But from close analysis i see she still wore her ring out clubbing. & She surprisingly posted on my Facebook wall "loving you<3"


Still insists she's not cheating and I haven't dug up concrete evidence as its nearly possible from overseas and being military. They say not to attack until you know everything and have a solid plan to expose.

So How do I compete for her attention and hold out my hand for a loving and safe marriage as laid out in Plan A, if I can't expose or prove cheating and offer forgiveness? Do I just do everything the same minus the exposure? Letting her know if she wants to come back we can forgive each other, almost speaking as if I know something is fishy but won't try to nail it?

All the signs are there. "I feel smothered" "I don't feel the same" "I need time" changing her passwords, disappearing for hours on end, not telling me where she goes or what she does, yet returns from the disappearances with a Lame excuse and is very polite to me, drinking, found that video of a sleazy guy in a club way too close to her(random bar guy but c'mon still way wrong), 10% of her original affection shown to me, doesn't like me complimenting her too much, feels like I'm "friend zoned".

She has always been very jealous, I said a friend of mine wanted to drive two hours away to a great pizza place with me, I told her. She returned immediately with "hah probably so he can meet some slutty girls?" As if mad that I may encounter females on a pizza dinner. I said no it's just us, and she basically gave me the "whatever" reply and shut down. I cancelled with my friend and let her win, I lied and said "yeah you were right he was going to meet some skanks, I don't need that" and we joked together and she went to bed "happy". So we see now that she can do no wrong by boozing til 3am with single guys, but god forbid I eat pizza with a friends friend....


My game plan (unless directed otherwise by you guys) is to just go to basic training as soon as possible, up until then implement Plan A in a way that doesn't involve exposure because I can't possibly expose anything unless I try this 600 dollar iPhone spy idea. I won't let my emotions ruin our conversations, and will try not to let love busters out no matter how bad my taker wants to just scream WILL YOU JUST STOP DRINKING WITH THESE IDIOTS AND PUTTING YOURSELF OUT THERE LIKE A SINGLE WH**E!? I like the analogy of throwing stones in a river, it will feel like an eternity with no progress shown until all the sudden the stones start showing out of the water and a bridge is made. I will try to play the "art of war" with her with my spying and snooping as best as possible. Reminding her of our future plans, how happy we were, and how well I'm doing physically and mentally lately, so she sees I'm an attractive mate.

I'm just very concerned as you guys say Plan A is so shaky when not done right, what do you think would happen if I played it "cool" like this, she went out, possibly Has a continued affair or numerous one nighters, and I weather the pain and still show her love until she sees me in the Air Force finally, making good money, looking good and feeling good, and decides she wants to become a real wife and the "party is over"? I'm afraid if this does drag on 5-6 more months then it will be almost impossible to pull her out of that depraved ditch she is in, that she simply won't want to try. She would have to initiate the divorce though, as I will not participate. I just don't see her doing that if I'm making these efforts for her, though time can change so much, especially spending every day the next half a year, apart. Even with the plans to see each other in the "future", it can be out if sight out of mind for her now.,,


Sorry I type a lot, I have a writers brain and lately as you know how it goes, my thoughts are chaotic and constant, like a barrage of bombs constantly being dropped inside my head.

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And if all else fails after that...well at least I've become an exponentially better person, way wiser, and more in tune with emotions and love, with a great career. Too bad as of right now she's not on the same boat as me,maybe she will come aboard when I have my career...

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Originally Posted By: Srw
If anyone would be so kind as to help me figure out how to implement Plan A in my situation...

...I'm just very concerned as you guys say Plan A is so shaky when not done right, what do you think would happen if I played it "cool" like this, she went out, possibly Has a continued affair or numerous one nighters, and I weather the pain and still show her love until she sees me in the Air Force finally, making good money, looking good and feeling good, and decides she wants to become a real wife and the "party is over"? I'm afraid if this does drag on 5-6 more months then it will be almost impossible to pull her out of that depraved ditch she is in, that she simply won't want to try. She would have to initiate the divorce though, as I will not participate. I just don't see her doing that if I'm making these efforts for her, though time can change so much, especially spending every day the next half a year, apart. Even with the plans to see each other in the "future", it can be out if sight out of mind for her now.



A few thoughts

1. You can't Plan A in your sitch. You know that analogy of throwing rocks in a stream you mentioned? You are throwing rocks in the ATLANTIC OCEAN. I'm a submariner, trust me it's deep. What you are trying may work, but it's no plan A.

2. She MAY come around. Many of these "geo-bachelors" stop their whorish behavior when they finally look at themseves and say "what have I become?", or more likely they get caught by their husband/wife. She MAY get to that point after a few ONS or not. She MAY fall "in love" with another guy showering her attention then you are out of the picture completely within six months. If your plan is to stick this out, deal with the pain, put on a happy face, move there someday, test her for STDs, and (ultimately fail to) recover your marriage, I feel for you. I can tell from your writing, you are better then that. She blocks her husband from social media? I would take what you've learned, file for D, join the AF, find a woman who loves you and will actually live with you, and work on a life of happiness meeting eachothers ENs. That's me though.

3. Military logistics make NO guarantees that you will actually end up stationed with her. You say a half a year. It may be much longer. Consider that.


Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
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DD-15/ DS-10
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Originally Posted By: MadMindMonkey
Originally Posted By: Srw
If anyone would be so kind as to help me figure out how to implement Plan A in my situation...

...I'm just very concerned as you guys say Plan A is so shaky when not done right, what do you think would happen if I played it "cool" like this, she went out, possibly Has a continued affair or numerous one nighters, and I weather the pain and still show her love until she sees me in the Air Force finally, making good money, looking good and feeling good, and decides she wants to become a real wife and the "party is over"? I'm afraid if this does drag on 5-6 more months then it will be almost impossible to pull her out of that depraved ditch she is in, that she simply won't want to try. She would have to initiate the divorce though, as I will not participate. I just don't see her doing that if I'm making these efforts for her, though time can change so much, especially spending every day the next half a year, apart. Even with the plans to see each other in the "future", it can be out if sight out of mind for her now.



A few thoughts

1. You can't Plan A in your sitch. You know that analogy of throwing rocks in a stream you mentioned? You are throwing rocks in the ATLANTIC OCEAN. I'm a submariner, trust me it's deep. What you are trying may work, but it's no plan A.

2. She MAY come around. Many of these "geo-bachelors" stop their whorish behavior when they finally look at themseves and say "what have I become?", or more likely they get caught by their husband/wife. She MAY get to that point after a few ONS or not. She MAY fall "in love" with another guy showering her attention then you are out of the picture completely within six months. If your plan is to stick this out, deal with the pain, put on a happy face, move there someday, test her for STDs, and (ultimately fail to) recover your marriage, I feel for you. I can tell from your writing, you are better then that. She blocks her husband from social media? I would take what you've learned, file for D, join the AF, find a woman who loves you and will actually live with you, and work on a life of happiness meeting eachothers ENs. That's me though.

3. Military logistics make NO guarantees that you will actually end up stationed with her. You say a half a year. It may be much longer. Consider that.





Hey thanks for your clear and level headed reply.

So far it's been about 3 weeks since our meltdown. And my unique "Plan A" style approach has achieved her affection to rise from 10% of usual, to about 30% I'd say now.

We say good morning and goodnight and talk every day. Yet her "I love yous" are dropping out randomly. It was a 3x or more thing a day, now the past few days 1 or none, when she goes in the morning, she will say "ok I'm gonna go get breakfast bye babe<3" or "bye love". While I say ok bye have a good day I love you... None in return


Social media update, she has added me back on one site and updated her info to state she is married ( surprising),

yet on twitter...her track record of her "favorite" tweets usually go hand in hand with her emotions.. When we were happy she would favorite tweets from such and such person about their present happiness with being married, tweets about kids, future moving upwards kind of things. When we melted down, she favorited things like "know what you're getting and what you deserve are diff things" and "it's my life and I'll make my own choices" ..... Now, in this half assed recovery phase, she favorited a couple of my tweets and then this morning... One from someone that said "what's it like to date again?"


So according to her past behaviors regarding favorites being a mirror image of her mind... She's thinking about the dating scene?


This has me worried as two days ago she stated she was very stressed and couldn't sleep lately. I asked if it was work bothering her. She stated "yeah work, I never have time to work out and also I can't even tell you everything that's bothering me" ... I didn't push her and she never told me.

She also informed me she will be getting a tattoo Saturday at big metro area 1.5 hrs away from her base. I asked how she was getting there and she said by train. I said by yourself!? She said no I'm going with (we'll call him L), because he wanted to get a tattoo too. So in my head I have to plan A my response... I'm just like oh.. Just you two ? She said yes I asked (his guy friend) to go too but he said he didn't want to sit and do nothing for 7 hours watching us getting tattooed. I said yeah I know the feeling...

So what we have here is a plan about a week or two in the making, for them to go off somewhere and get tattooed. For some reason she said he just didnt want to drive and that's why they are taking a train, I think it's because she thinks it will be fun (and romantic, you see we planned on taking trains around..as a MARRIED COUPLE).


Luckily I have the tattoo artists contact info and I'm going to ask him, when they're gone, if he thought their interactions were appropriate. And if they said they had plans that night, as tattoo small talk can achieve a lot, especially if they are both outspoken and flirty on their "date". If she pulls some BS like "the train isn't going to make it back in time, we have to get a place out here", I don't know what I'm going to do, I will need the help of god and my family not to break down, as it will be clear what the weekend trip would amount to. Her interest in dating, her eerie calm attitude to me now, less i love yous, spending a 4 hour round trip on a train and hours more bonding through getting tattooed with him alone, it all adds up she is developing feelings for him, what we are seeing appears to be an emotional affair, it's been growing for almost two months and no one saw it coming.

She sees this 19 year old kid almost every day, and when I ask where she was, she beats around the bush and tells me she was with him without actually saying it. She knows I know that when she needs a ride to the post office, and to get food, he takes her. So I ask what have you been up to? I've been hoping we could chat after you got off work, and she will say oh sry I went to the post office and to the base exchange and then got Pizza Hut, I feel fat I'm going to work out then shower. Then leaves me hanging until I go to work and she's up til 11pm after I leave. When we were "ok" she would easily and voluntarily go to bed around 830-9pm. She complains she's tired and not eating right lately.


Typical of waywards, and borderline personality sufferers(which I suspect could be possible), she is probably feeling that excitement of falling for someone new? Learning about them and playing the game of "do you have a crush on me too?", she wants the chase and it's well known affair relationships don't spring off into beautiful flourishing lives together, usually something gets ruined on either end and they part ways, the question is even if she falls in love with him in the coming months...or [censored] this month... What do you think the odds are she will, as you say, realize wtf has my life become? And remember deep down she wants a stable relationship with a loving home and children, not to bounce boyfriend to boyfriend.

It's painful to think that may be all she's capable of doing, that she won't ever settle down....and let booze and the new car smell of multiple men guide her life, just like her mother, who lost her drivers license to too many DUis and is now old and unattractive and unhealthy and ALONE. My wife is walking on thin ice and is doing so proudly. Why is she so self destructive? She has a skin condition which has left her self conscious since she developed the ability to have conscious thoughts.. I have been thinking the borderline... And the need for validation from many men thru physical means was always important to her then, to feel like a pretty girl. But I'm no doctor. Just a man struggling to see the good and still love and forgive, like God would to me...

Oh and an edit here for an addition... She is now saying I need to hurry and get this process going to join, when she was apathetic and ready for a slow pace just a week ago. Could this be a cry for help like "I'm about to fall for someone please come stop me" or is it "hey get your career going already so I can ditch you and not feel bad, I'm tryin to get with this new guy over here and you're slowing me down"

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You are going to have a very difficult time recovering your marriage from a distance, do you understand this? If you can't join your wife in her new duty station and then remain together every single night for the rest of your marriage together, your wife (and you) will always be at risk of affairs.

Every wayward appears to have personality disorders, so don't get concerned about this at this point. I was sure my H was a sociopath, but once the waywardness ended and our marriage recovered, he's a wonderful man.

Everyone is wired to have an affair. Those who have no accountability and leave their love bank open to members of the opposite will often have affairs. Given the right opportunity, just about anybody would have an affair. That's why it's so important to follow basic marital rules, such as living an integrated (no nights apart, leisure time together) and transparent (passwords shared) lifestyle, meeting each other's ENs and avoiding LBs.

God forgives us, but we have to repent and then sin no more. There is a time for forgiveness, but you're not there yet. First, you have to end the affair and you have to change your lifestyle so that you can live together and build a marriage in which you and your wife, two separate people, blend together. You can't have that while living apart. And the military is notorious for its bad marriages, given all the separations.

No one here will discourage you from trying to save your marriage, but until you can live together and stay together, your marriage is going to suffer and your wife will continue living like a single person.


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Originally Posted By: LongWayFromHome
You are going to have a very difficult time recovering your marriage from a distance, do you understand this? If you can't join your wife in her new duty station and then remain together every single night for the rest of your marriage together, your wife (and you) will always be at risk of affairs.

Every wayward appears to have personality disorders, so don't get concerned about this at this point. I was sure my H was a sociopath, but once the waywardness ended and our marriage recovered, he's a wonderful man.

Everyone is wired to have an affair. Those who have no accountability and leave their love bank open to members of the opposite will often have affairs. Given the right opportunity, just about anybody would have an affair. That's why it's so important to follow basic marital rules, such as living an integrated (no nights apart, leisure time together) and transparent (passwords shared) lifestyle, meeting each other's ENs and avoiding LBs.

God forgives us, but we have to repent and then sin no more. There is a time for forgiveness, but you're not there yet. First, you have to end the affair and you have to change your lifestyle so that you can live together and build a marriage in which you and your wife, two separate people, blend together. You can't have that while living apart. And the military is notorious for its bad marriages, given all the separations.

No one here will discourage you from trying to save your marriage, but until you can live together and stay together, your marriage is going to suffer and your wife will continue living like a single person.






I believe and understand everything you just said! Believe me I would love to magically be there right now. Career and all, automatically transferred out there and spending those hours and nights with her. With financial issues, her not adding me to her orders to live with her, and me joining soon it will be impossible to do that for the next few months.

I know it's the only chance I have to fix it. I simply cannot do anything from overseas besides avoid love busters and push her closer into his arms, she can at least feel some guilt while I am so thoughtful and caring about our marriage.


I'm just wondering from what you guys have heard or seen or experienced yourself... If the wife wanders away due to horrible boundaries, she did have the feeling of "I'm always in control of my feelings idk why you are so insecure about guys and me!", and I push her farther away, yet check myself and make all changes I can, career wise and attitude wise, do you ever see that wandering wife believe in and love the original man she married after the seperation and time of "finding herself"? Or should I expect divorce papers when I graduate basic? And maybe expect a drunk phone call 6 months after that when the boyfriend dumps her for being crazy...

Side note I am going to call the base right now and ask if they can do private investigations for this sort of thing and separate them with terms of court Marshall if they don't heed. I have no evidence but obviously these strong signs, they may understand and look into it, or tell me sorry.. We'll see if I get through now..


No long distance offered on my phone, have to figure out a diff way

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If your wife, who you were only married to for 1 month prior to the career separation, will not apply for you two to live together, i feel you need to decide on assertive boundaries, if you will follow through.

Either that, or communicate that for the marriage to work and become romantically recharged, the two of you need to brainstorm using POJA to come up with a solution.

Find a way to get stationed there or realize you will not have an exclusive marriage relationship.

If your own W will not agree to have her H join her, i do not see anything else that will work.

Let us know if the phone call guided you with any military punitive solutions.

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I've asserted my boundaries before she left and she agreed, she left and one month into her deployment she went back on her promises, this is where I blew up and used every love buster imaginable to express my disappointment and hurt by her actions.


All she did was insist over and over again that "the situation was different"than how I viewed it and that it was" an unfair position" she was put in.


For a while she supposedly didnt give them her number, but they knew where she lived obviously because they picked her up to do things, and they would randomly come over. I expressed how I thought that was inappropriate and this is what she said "ok you didn't want me to give them my number so how else do you think they're gonna contact me? Pick a struggle, texting me or walking over"


I still expressed my concern both was wrong. She is not willing to compromise for what she is "entitled" to do.


POJA would be amazing if she would be willing to agree on anything relationship wise. Right now it's literally her way or the highway.

My ultimate goal is to be stationed with her after I graduate basic training in a few months.

I know the affair will continue, I know there's no stopping her until I get there, it's ripping me apart because i have to watch it all crumble with a fake smile, and hope in the future we can rebuild.


So basically, right now she does as she pleases while she knows it hurts me. I have no way to get there for maybe...4-5 months.


I'm wondering if waywards ever go "find themselves" aka whoring around, and then once they feel the party is over and it's out of their system, come back "home" and work on what's real?

It will be a long painful process and I've already assumed the worst scenarios in my head. From me getting divorce papers in basic training, to living with her and walking in on them. To her emotionally detached and texting him all day while I'm with her. I've played it all out but as of right now im willing to fight for the right thing to do which is plan for my future and to fix our marriage in that future

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Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
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