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Good idea! Email sent - will update upon hearing back.

Last edited by mrs_cen; 09/23/13 09:36 AM. Reason: Added

FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2756575 09/23/13 10:19 AM
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My first radio show was about being apart, DH was on the road at the time, and what I took from that was we may maintain our current level but wouldn't be able to improve our relationship while he was on the road.

I agree 100% with what Dr Harley advised and while we did manage to make some improvements we also changed our situation - I spent at least 1 night a week with him on the road, I took vacation and went with him sometimes and flew home mid week, we weren't apart as much after that phone call until he came off the road in January.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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mrs_cen Offline OP
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With BH type of work - I would not be able to be with him, while he's away ( he would be in a "closed" camp).
We are both still applying for jobs - ANY kind at this point, we will wait to hear back from Dr. Harley before making any decisions, and we will do nothing without both of us following POJA.
My fear is of course that being apart will "backslide" us, and since he's been home and we've been able to begin to rebuild our relationship and our marriage, I'm not sure if it's wise for him to go.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2756737 09/23/13 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by mrs_cen
With BH type of work - I would not be able to be with him, while he's away ( he would be in a "closed" camp).
We are both still applying for jobs - ANY kind at this point, we will wait to hear back from Dr. Harley before making any decisions, and we will do nothing without both of us following POJA.
My fear is of course that being apart will "backslide" us, and since he's been home and we've been able to begin to rebuild our relationship and our marriage, I'm not sure if it's wise for him to go.
I can tell you what Dr. H told me and my wife; don't separate overnight. Your recovery is too fragile at this point. Redouble your efforts to find work, and find something that will enable you two to be together every night. I know it isn't easy, but that is what you need to do.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2756749 09/23/13 10:13 PM
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Quote
My fear is of course that being apart will "backslide" us, and since he's been home and we've been able to begin to rebuild our relationship and our marriage, I'm not sure if it's wise for him to go.
No, it's not wise at all. Being separated overnight is one of the conditions that lead to your affair. Don't do it.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2762577 10/25/13 03:54 PM
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I did email the Harley's, twice now, and with them being so incredibly busy I haven't heard anything (it's been about a month)
That being said DH has not had luck finding work of any kind here, and will be heading back to AB to work, the beginning of November, for what sounds like a two week on one week off rotation.

Last edited by mrs_cen; 10/25/13 03:59 PM.

FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2762600 10/25/13 05:16 PM
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I have notified the Harleys.


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mrs_cen #2762629 10/25/13 10:38 PM
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Originally Posted by mrs_cen
I did email the Harley's, twice now, and with them being so incredibly busy I haven't heard anything (it's been about a month)
That being said DH has not had luck finding work of any kind here, and will be heading back to AB to work, the beginning of November, for what sounds like a two week on one week off rotation.

Back to old habits.

mrs_cen #2762691 10/26/13 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by mrs_cen
I did email the Harley's, twice now, and with them being so incredibly busy I haven't heard anything (it's been about a month)
That being said DH has not had luck finding work of any kind here, and will be heading back to AB to work, the beginning of November, for what sounds like a two week on one week off rotation.
I don't want to sound disrespectful in suggesting that the two of you are not trying hard enough to avoid nights apart. It is an unfortunate consequence of your situation that it comes down to such a poor set of options. My advice is to not give up. Keep trying to work out a situation where nights apart never happen. Even if this separation ends up happening, don't take it as a surrender of no nights apart from then on. Keep on working the problem until you succeed. It really is that important to your marriage.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2762778 10/26/13 07:01 PM
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Originally Posted by mrEureka
Originally Posted by mrs_cen
I did email the Harley's, twice now, and with them being so incredibly busy I haven't heard anything (it's been about a month)
That being said DH has not had luck finding work of any kind here, and will be heading back to AB to work, the beginning of November, for what sounds like a two week on one week off rotation.
I don't want to sound disrespectful in suggesting that the two of you are not trying hard enough to avoid nights apart. It is an unfortunate consequence of your situation that it comes down to such a poor set of options. My advice is to not give up. Keep trying to work out a situation where nights apart never happen. Even if this separation ends up happening, don't take it as a surrender of no nights apart from then on. Keep on working the problem until you succeed. It really is that important to your marriage.

No decision has been finalized, we certainly have not and will not just "give up", we have both worked to hard and come to far for that to happen.
Another option, that we've "come up with" is RNR, taking EI, and going back to school - which would keep him home.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2762976 10/27/13 08:32 PM
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mrs_cen,

Please check your email.

JustUss


JustUss

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JustUss #2763070 10/28/13 05:34 AM
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Originally Posted by JustUss
mrs_cen,

Please check your email.

JustUss

Thank you, received, will contact Joyce this morning.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2813483 08/06/14 05:33 AM
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For those that are new to the forum or those that haven't followed "our story", here's an update.
We are now into our 16th month of recovery and just shy of our one year relocation due to my 9 week affair.
If you would have asked me 16 months ago if I thought we would be where we are today, I would have said probably not.
We continue to work EVERYDAY on us and our marriage, we are mindful of each other and our needs, we communicate, we laugh, we are finally FRIENDS!!!.
This whole experience has humbled me, made me (us) appreciate more, put VALUE in honesty and shown me what a true "Marriage Builders" marriage is.
We are still FAR from completely back to normal but I don't really think there will ever be a "back to normal" for us - that part of our marriage is gone, and we look forward to continuing to build a new "normal".
Thank you MB vets for your support, guidance, 2x4's and advice ~ without you all, we would not be "here".


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2813495 08/06/14 08:09 AM
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Thanks for the update. Your situation is an example of the benefits of moving away from the affair location. Your marriage has recovered because you took the bold steps needed to recover. Congratulations to both of you on your progress.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrs_cen #2813498 08/06/14 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by mrs_cen
For those that are new to the forum or those that haven't followed "our story", here's an update.
We are now into our 16th month of recovery and just shy of our one year relocation due to my 9 week affair.
If you would have asked me 16 months ago if I thought we would be where we are today, I would have said probably not.
We continue to work EVERYDAY on us and our marriage, we are mindful of each other and our needs, we communicate, we laugh, we are finally FRIENDS!!!.
This whole experience has humbled me, made me (us) appreciate more, put VALUE in honesty and shown me what a true "Marriage Builders" marriage is.
We are still FAR from completely back to normal but I don't really think there will ever be a "back to normal" for us - that part of our marriage is gone, and we look forward to continuing to build a new "normal".
Thank you MB vets for your support, guidance, 2x4's and advice ~ without you all, we would not be "here".
So good to hear from you and glad to hear your fantastic update.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



mrs_cen #2814188 08/10/14 10:56 AM
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I'm so happy to hear this, mrs_cen!

I just want to say about this, without thread jacking:

Originally Posted by mrs_cen
I am a former wayward spouse, I agree with the others, your BH deserves to know.
My question for you is, had your POSOM felt the same way for you and had your affair not ended by him, would you have chosen your marriage?
In the book, Sue did not return to Jon out of choice, She returned because when Greg (OM) ended the affair she had nowhere else to go and was as low as she could be. However, following Dr H's advice she and Jon created a great new marriage. It isn't necessary for a WW to be repentant at first in order for the marriage to recover. What she needs to do is follow Dr H's steps to recover, and get her H on board.

I don't know where you are going with your question to that poster, but I just want to point this out.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #2814227 08/10/14 04:29 PM
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
I'm so happy to hear this, mrs_cen!

I just want to say about this, without thread jacking:

Originally Posted by mrs_cen
I am a former wayward spouse, I agree with the others, your BH deserves to know.
My question for you is, had your POSOM felt the same way for you and had your affair not ended by him, would you have chosen your marriage?
In the book, Sue did not return to Jon out of choice, She returned because when Greg (OM) ended the affair she had nowhere else to go and was as low as she could be. However, following Dr H's advice she and Jon created a great new marriage. It isn't necessary for a WW to be repentant at first in order for the marriage to recover. What she needs to do is follow Dr H's steps to recover, and get her H on board.

I don't know where you are going with your question to that poster, but I just want to point this out.

Hi Sugar!

Your absolutely right! I guess I was just wondering, because my BS had the same question for me, he felt for a long time that I was "dumped", it has of course no real real relivince, and the fact that the poster found the MB site and is looking for advice on how to save her marriage is the important part.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2817851 09/01/14 07:33 AM
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Today is one year "move-aversarry". DH, DD and I just got back from a two week visit "home" with my family! I haven't been back in a year.
It was SOOO good to be home and see everyone ~ especially my DS (who is thriving and doing fantastic)

There seemed to be some tense moments ~ I think being back with me triggered my DH some, it's almost like I've forgotten in a way how to deal with them, I've done ok, but I found my self getting frustrated at times. I need to remind myself at times, that this whole journey has been because of ME, I need to remember that.


FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2842021 02/06/15 05:43 PM
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Hi all!
Thought I'd do a "quick" update!! I'm STILL here, reading, learning and continuing the program.
This February marks two years since my affair and April will be two years into our recovery. I can't believe it's been TWO years.
RNR and I are doing well - we are still living in NL, he has a job that keeps him home at night and I feel like we are finally in a good place. We've talked about moving back (well I've talked) he's said he will never go back, it's been a painful reminder of what "was", but what "was" is not what "is" and that part of our lives is over, there are times still that I find myself angry but it's short lived and a gentle reminder of why we are where we are.



FWW, 36

mrs_cen #2842034 02/06/15 06:48 PM
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Originally Posted by mrs_cen
Hi all!
Thought I'd do a "quick" update!! I'm STILL here, reading, learning and continuing the program.
This February marks two years since my affair and April will be two years into our recovery. I can't believe it's been TWO years.
RNR and I are doing well - we are still living in NL, he has a job that keeps him home at night and I feel like we are finally in a good place. We've talked about moving back (well I've talked) he's said he will never go back, it's been a painful reminder of what "was", but what "was" is not what "is" and that part of our lives is over, there are times still that I find myself angry but it's short lived and a gentle reminder of why we are where we are.
Thanks so much for the update and glad it's working out. That's wonderful he has a job, that doesn't take him away. How much UA time are you getting?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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