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That's so much fog it's unbelieveable...

There are just no words.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by karmasrose
That's so much fog it's unbelieveable...

There are just no words.
karmarose I never confirmed an affair on her part, so I'm not sure it's fog. Could very likely be "just fed up". I gave her enough grief to do so.


FWH, Married 12 years, 3 children DS age 5, DD age 1, DS 18/BW's step son.
3 PAs with in 2003
Her D-Day 1/25/2013
Divorce final 9/24/2013
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I feel for you DNT and wish you the best no matter how things turn out.


Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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How are things?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi BrainHurts! I haven't been on here in ages and all of a sudden I had the notion to check this thread and noticed you posted this AM. Providence!:)

Well things are good! I've grown leaps and bounds. I'm at peace. I feel that my ex and I have arrived at a place of peace and contentment. I want to reconcile more than ever, but I have no desire to PUSH. I'll just continue to love her, love our children, and make love bank deposits as opportunities allow. There has been several incidents and minor emergencies that where she has needing me to come through and I did so with no expectations. She�s been consistently inviting. I�ve spent time a couple of evenings at her place watching our favorite show, making small talk, with no �signals� that time is up and for me to go. She�s freely come to and from my place. Again, things are good considering�

Most recently her dad has been diagnosed with cancer which required immediate attention, radiation, and so forth. Her parents are currently staying with her and our kiddos. We�ve talked a lot about all of it and I ensured I am available to be whatever she needs. I�m praying he beats it, but there are no guarantees. I love my in-laws and my father-in-law told me during our last conversation that he really �hated� what was going on between us.

The icy weather has us all locked inside this weekend, so I managed to 4-wheel-drive my truck over to spend time with her, kiddos, and in-laws yesterday and planned to do so again today. Continue to pray I stay the course and she allows her heart to consider reconciliation. I am reading a book called �I Do Again� � How We Found a Second Chance at Our Marriage and You Can Too by Cheryl & Scruggs. The reason I mention it is the author Cheryl spoke at her professional women�s group several months back. She told her marriage story and answered questions from the group. I thought this would have been a turning point for HER. What I realized is that it was for ME�to get the book and fully understand the post-divorce and process of reconciliation of couple that PEFECTLY mirrors us. It�s been amazing, I�m halfway through and will finish today.

Last edited by DNT; 12/07/13 09:54 AM.

FWH, Married 12 years, 3 children DS age 5, DD age 1, DS 18/BW's step son.
3 PAs with in 2003
Her D-Day 1/25/2013
Divorce final 9/24/2013
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Are you maintainingno boundaries around women?

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Jedi I intended to come back and address the "other women" topic. Well...for the most part I've maintained according to normal standards. I've casually been out a few times (lonely?). But nothing that suggests "moving on" or beginnings of any type of relationship. There was one in particular from whom I had to distance myself and discontinue communication. Not quite MB protocol...I know. My heart is still with my x-W.


FWH, Married 12 years, 3 children DS age 5, DD age 1, DS 18/BW's step son.
3 PAs with in 2003
Her D-Day 1/25/2013
Divorce final 9/24/2013
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I'm kind of confused are you married or divorced? If your married you did a bad thing going on these dates. If divorced your free to date. Glad to hear your doing better tho.

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Hi TranquilDark...we divorced.


FWH, Married 12 years, 3 children DS age 5, DD age 1, DS 18/BW's step son.
3 PAs with in 2003
Her D-Day 1/25/2013
Divorce final 9/24/2013
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Originally Posted by DNT
Well...for the most part I've maintained according to normal standards. I've casually been out a few times (lonely?). But nothing that suggests "moving on" or beginnings of any type of relationship. There was one in particular from whom I had to distance myself and discontinue communication. Not quite MB protocol...I know. My heart is still with my x-W.

For the most part??

Damn, I'm actually happy for your EX to be rid of you because it would seem you're completely incapable of learning from your mistakes and choices.

Your heart is with your ex-wife, huh? Just where the hell were the rest of your body parts during this epiphany?

You do beat all.



Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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Originally Posted by Viper
For the most part??

Damn, I'm actually happy for your EX to be rid of you because it would seem you're completely incapable of learning from your mistakes and choices.

Your heart is with your ex-wife, huh? Just where the hell were the rest of your body parts during this epiphany?

You do beat all.
I'm not sure what you are alluding to Viper. We are divorced. I'm free to date and I did so and in doing so I haven't crossed any lines. Perhaps a friendly hug good-bye. I suppose my stating "for the most part" leaves the door open for loose interpretation. No boundaries have been crossed.

Last edited by DNT; 12/07/13 11:15 PM.

FWH, Married 12 years, 3 children DS age 5, DD age 1, DS 18/BW's step son.
3 PAs with in 2003
Her D-Day 1/25/2013
Divorce final 9/24/2013
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DNT,

If you want to win her back you shouldn't be dating

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
DNT,

If you want to win her back you shouldn't be dating

Thanks Jedi - duly noted!


FWH, Married 12 years, 3 children DS age 5, DD age 1, DS 18/BW's step son.
3 PAs with in 2003
Her D-Day 1/25/2013
Divorce final 9/24/2013
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What viper is alluding to is this. You say your heart is with your ex wife yet your going on dates. Your actions speak louder than your small words. If your lonely have a bro night, join an intramural sport league, go run till you puke. Just don't make lame statements like that and go on the hunt.

Add: your not an idiot but you knew better and you caved. Boundaries have been crossed. Why hug some other woman when you love another. Need to be logical here man.

Last edited by TranquilDark; 12/07/13 10:59 PM.
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Originally Posted by TranquilDark
What viper is alluding to is this. You say your heart is with your ex wife yet your going on dates. Your actions speak louder than your small words. If your lonely have a bro night, join an intramural sport league, go run till you puke. Just don't make lame statements like that and go on the hunt.

Add: your not an idiot but you knew better and you caved. Boundaries have been crossed. Why hug some other woman when you love another. Need to be logical here man.
Well...I should elaborate a bit. For a brief moment all signs suggested I should move on. I tried and I quickly realized I wasn't ready. So I backed off trying to date. I once heard that logic never undresses in front of pain. There's been a bit of pain involved for us all and I'm dealing and learning as I go.


FWH, Married 12 years, 3 children DS age 5, DD age 1, DS 18/BW's step son.
3 PAs with in 2003
Her D-Day 1/25/2013
Divorce final 9/24/2013
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If he's divorced, shouldn't he adopt a renter's mentality?

I don't understand the logic of behaving like a buyer at this point.

It might be bad strategy if he wants her back, but the criticism above seems to hinge on some sense of moral wrongdoing. Which it clearly can't be�since the marriage is over.

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Originally Posted by kerala
If he's divorced, shouldn't he adopt a renter's mentality?

I don't understand the logic of behaving like a buyer at this point.

It might be bad strategy if he wants her back, but the criticism above seems to hinge on some sense of moral wrongdoing. Which it clearly can't be…since the marriage is over.
Funny you should mention that kerala. I recently ordered a few copies of Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. I had one delivered to my ex. Before we split, I recall reading the online summary and it was eye opening how it characterized us in the beginning. When I go to her place I always see it sitting on top of her stack of books, so I assume she's been reading. I never considered "adopting" a renters mentality, but it makes sense I suppose. I'm curious to hear what the "experts" say.

Last edited by DNT; 12/08/13 04:11 PM.

FWH, Married 12 years, 3 children DS age 5, DD age 1, DS 18/BW's step son.
3 PAs with in 2003
Her D-Day 1/25/2013
Divorce final 9/24/2013
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,344
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Originally Posted by DNT
Originally Posted by kerala
If he's divorced, shouldn't he adopt a renter's mentality?

I don't understand the logic of behaving like a buyer at this point.

It might be bad strategy if he wants her back, but the criticism above seems to hinge on some sense of moral wrongdoing. Which it clearly can't be…since the marriage is over.
Funny you should mention that kerala. I recently ordered a few copies of Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. I had one delivered to my ex. Before we split, I recall reading the online summary and it was eye opening how it characterized us in the beginning. When I go to her place I always see it sitting on top of her stack of books, so I assume she's been reading. I never considered "adopting" a renters mentality, but it makes sense I suppose. I'm curious to hear what the "experts" say.
Dr. Harley says when dating you should be in a Freeloaders mind and then move to renters.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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On Thursday night after taking my kids back to my XW's place we spent time watching our favorite show for the 3rd week in row. We spent a little time talking about her dad's diagnosis amongst other things. It occurred to me that it�s been years and years since I called her by first name. It has always been baby or babe. As I gather myself to leave I said "Hi" to my XW. I said it in a tone as if I was greeting her for the first time. Of course she seemed a little weirded out by it...but I repeated it...and said "my name is FIRST NAME". She gave a suspicious smile and responded �Hi�. I then asked her name�and she appropriately responded by saying her first name and it had a firm but nice ring to it. I did this to indirectly suggest that I was meeting her for the first time� which in actuality there is some truth to it. I�m in a much different place. She�s always been thrilled with �initial courtship� and I thought this may be a nonthreatening approach to asking her out at some point. I sent her a text on Saturday AM of �Good morning �First name��she responds� �good morning �My first name�. Later on, I took some things she needed to her place for her and the kiddos�including a new air mattress so she could sleep comfortably. She has expressed gratitude throughout. I also spent an evening putting up the Christmas tree, singing, and dancing with the kiddos. During which I could tell she missed this yearly experience. Her face showed it. The kiddos were bubbling over with joy as we had a blast.
I�m hoping this first name calling sticks as if to say we are meeting again�and for the 1st time�and on a journey to a better and new place.

Last edited by DNT; 12/16/13 03:03 PM.

FWH, Married 12 years, 3 children DS age 5, DD age 1, DS 18/BW's step son.
3 PAs with in 2003
Her D-Day 1/25/2013
Divorce final 9/24/2013
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Good job,
Just remember to AVOID the love busters, especially the differences you had about child discipline last summer and focus on Love Bank Deposits

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