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I'm new here, glad I found this forum. Me, BW, early 50's. D-Day 5/31/13. Lived together 17 years, no kids. The house is in his name. He gave me the speech, "...love you, but not in love with you..." And told me to leave. Found out he was/still is having an on-going affair, and had 3 previous one-nite stands.

Because we were not married, he did not have to provide any financial assistance, but because he wanted to make sure I was "taken care of" he is paying my car payment and insurance. He is financially well off and can afford to provide more. (He is paying for the car so I would leave.) I had to quit my part time job, leave my home and dogs and drove to another state to stay with a family member until I can get on my feet. I have no savings (we used it to get thru a tough financial patch last year).

I would like to reconcile - even though we were never legally married, I considered us 'married' and made a personal commitment to stand by him. Do I go back to the town where he lives and get a job there/find a place to live there and work towards a reconciliation - or am I nuts and should I just close the door on this very painful experience and stay away from him.

I'm very much still in love with him and am willing to do the work to rebuild our love but know it will be a painful process.

Very conflicted and need advice.


LakeGirl
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Hi Whiteriver, welcome to Marriage Builders, I am sorry for your predicament.

My suggestion would be to NOT go back or pursue him anymore. Living together is very different from marriage and it is obvious that your boyfriend has never had the same level of "committment" as you do. That is very characteristic of living together relationships.

While it might be painful for you now, it won't be painful in the future when you create a new life without him. You have a chance to pursue a relationship with someone who will make a real commitment to you. And I would strongly suggest you never live with a man again without being married. It is poison to relationships. Check out this article:
Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: WhtRiverLakeGirl
I'm new here, glad I found this forum. Me, BW, early 50's. D-Day 5/31/13. Lived together 17 years, no kids. The house is in his name. He gave me the speech, "...love you, but not in love with you..." And told me to leave. Found out he was/still is having an on-going affair, and had 3 previous one-nite stands.

Because we were not married, he did not have to provide any financial assistance, but because he wanted to make sure I was "taken care of" he is paying my car payment and insurance. He is financially well off and can afford to provide more. (He is paying for the car so I would leave.) I had to quit my part time job, leave my home and dogs and drove to another state to stay with a family member until I can get on my feet. I have no savings (we used it to get thru a tough financial patch last year).

I would like to reconcile - even though we were never legally married, I considered us 'married' and made a personal commitment to stand by him. Do I go back to the town where he lives and get a job there/find a place to live there and work towards a reconciliation - or am I nuts and should I just close the door on this very painful experience and stay away from him.

I'm very much still in love with him and am willing to do the work to rebuild our love but know it will be a painful process.

Very conflicted and need advice.


Why would you expect him to act married when he's not?

He been telling you for 17 years that you aren't important enough to him to marry. Why would you want him?


BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
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Originally Posted By: WhtRiverLakeGirl
Found out he was/still is having an on-going affair, and had 3 previous one-nite stands.



You are not married. Its not an affair.

Pretty crappy thing for a "man" to do though.


BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
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It won't hurt any less cause you aren't married. So we do all understand your pain.

The unfortunate thing is there isn't much you can do without the safety net of commitment.

The plans here are targeted towards reminding the wayward spouse of the commitment they made. He never made any.

They all rewrite history in an affair and claim they never loved you. In his case, it's an easy, believable claim for him to make, as he never stood up publicly and told the world he did.

Most marriage ceremonies ask the guests to promise they will support the marriage.
One of the plans MB uses is exposure, for example. Friends and family who believe in marriage tell the WS their behaviour is disgraceful and to shun the OM or OW and say they will never accept him/her.

It would be hard to do that in your case, because your commitment was a private arrangement.

And it may well have been a very one sided commitment. I find it telling that he kept the house in his name. He never even made a financial commitment with you.

I think you've been hustled by some pretty promises which were never backed up by a solid commitment. I am very sorry.

May I ask why you decided to live without a marital commitment?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: WhtRiverLakeGirl
I'm new here, glad I found this forum. Me, BW, early 50's. D-Day 5/31/13. Lived together 17 years, no kids. The house is in his name. He gave me the speech, "...love you, but not in love with you..." And told me to leave. Found out he was/still is having an on-going affair, and had 3 previous one-nite stands.

Because we were not married, he did not have to provide any financial assistance, but because he wanted to make sure I was "taken care of" he is paying my car payment and insurance. He is financially well off and can afford to provide more. (He is paying for the car so I would leave.) I had to quit my part time job, leave my home and dogs and drove to another state to stay with a family member until I can get on my feet. I have no savings (we used it to get thru a tough financial patch last year).

I would like to reconcile - even though we were never legally married, I considered us 'married' and made a personal commitment to stand by him. Do I go back to the town where he lives and get a job there/find a place to live there and work towards a reconciliation - or am I nuts and should I just close the door on this very painful experience and stay away from him.

I'm very much still in love with him and am willing to do the work to rebuild our love but know it will be a painful process.

Very conflicted and need advice.


What would I do?

I'd see a lawyer in the first instance and see if you are entitled to any financial settlement from your cohabitation period.

I would stop accepting his volunatary contributions, because it is blood money. He eases his conscience and gets a hit of admiration acting like a big shot with kept women.

This guy has cheated on you numerous times and you won't get over him while you remain in any kind of dependance upon him.

Only accept money you can get forcibly through a lawyer. Then change all your contact details so he can never bother you again and you can move on.

I think he enjoys having you on his string, even if only financially. The whole situaution is twisted and you should cut the cord.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Thank you all for your input. I really needed a kick in the pants.

We never married because he didn't 'believe' in it and since I'm not religious I felt personal commitments to each other were enough. Will never make that mistake again.

Apparently I'm still in serious denial as I cannot get angry at him although he's been pretty disrespectful. I blame myself entirely for this, tho I know we both had a hand in the degeneration of our relationship.He's being just nice enough to keep me dangling. Agree I need to cut the cord, but very attached to him. Can only remember the wonderful parts and not the rough parts.


LakeGirl
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Do you have contact with him?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: WhtRiverLakeGirl
Thank you all for your input. I really needed a kick in the pants.

We never married because he didn't 'believe' in it and since I'm not religious I felt personal commitments to each other were enough. Will never make that mistake again.

Apparently I'm still in serious denial as I cannot get angry at him although he's been pretty disrespectful. I blame myself entirely for this, tho I know we both had a hand in the degeneration of our relationship.He's being just nice enough to keep me dangling. Agree I need to cut the cord, but very attached to him. Can only remember the wonderful parts and not the rough parts.


That's perfectly normal because he has a lovebank account with you.

When he gives money or says he cares he tops up that account.

You need to go NC. It will be rough until you get through withdrawal


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I would change your contact details entirely. Change your phone number, email, block any FB contact or other contact method.

This will stop you wondering IF he is going to call. Take control of that and make it impossible.

Get someone to get all your stuff out of there. Make sure there is no excuse for contact.

Then only communicate through a lawyer, if you have a claim. If you don't have any redress chalk it up to experience and don't throw good time after bad.

The reason I suggest such strict NC is that after 17 years, you have a long standing love bank - and an entire lifestyle and habits to change.

The only way to regain control of your heart is to stop him 'topping up' and starving the love bank.

You will feel awful the first few weeks of NC. Its like withdrawal from a drug. You get so tempted to break NC.

After that I felt marvellous most of the time, but after ten years there was a lot to process. I would still have bad days for up to about a year later.

It's going to take time, so I suggest you get started.

You have a WHOLE NEW WORLD waiting!

I'd also suggest you read up on MB and how to spot the difference between buyers, renters and freeloaders for when you date again.

We can help you with NC, the concepts.. And just offer support.

Welcome to MB.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: WhtRiverLakeGirl
I'm new here, glad I found this forum. Me, BW, early 50's. D-Day 5/31/13. Lived together 17 years, no kids. The house is in his name. He gave me the speech, "...love you, but not in love with you..." And told me to leave. Found out he was/still is having an on-going affair, and had 3 previous one-nite stands.

Because we were not married, he did not have to provide any financial assistance, but because he wanted to make sure I was "taken care of" he is paying my car payment and insurance. He is financially well off and can afford to provide more. (He is paying for the car so I would leave.) I had to quit my part time job, leave my home and dogs and drove to another state to stay with a family member until I can get on my feet. I have no savings (we used it to get thru a tough financial patch last year).

I would like to reconcile - even though we were never legally married, I considered us 'married' and made a personal commitment to stand by him. Do I go back to the town where he lives and get a job there/find a place to live there and work towards a reconciliation - or am I nuts and should I just close the door on this very painful experience and stay away from him.

I'm very much still in love with him and am willing to do the work to rebuild our love but know it will be a painful process.

Very conflicted and need advice.


I think you should also consult an attorney. You co-habitated for 17 years and he provided financial support for that period of time. There could be some financial considerations related to common law.

AM

Last edited by armymama; 10/18/13 03:41 PM. Reason: hate this keyboard

BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Incredible support here at this site. 17 years is a long time. I still have contact with him. It's hard not to - because I not only lost my relationship, my best friend, my dogs and home also. And had to leave my job. So completely starting from scratch. Just didn't think a break up could ever happen to us. Yes, it does feel like withdrawl. I just try to wake up every day and do at least one productive thing, and struggling to even do that. I want him to come to his senses and fix this and I know that's never going to happen. Need to cut contact with him, but haven't.

We were living in a state that doesn't recognize common law - and I talked to an attny - I have absolutely no grounds for redress.

A good lesson for anyone willing to settle for 'living together' DON'T DO IT.


LakeGirl
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no kids
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Originally Posted By: WhtRiverLakeGirl
It's hard not to - because I not only lost my relationship, my best friend, my dogs and home also. .


I think you absolutely should rely on the support of good friends at this difficult time. Absolutely.

Would you describe the man who turned you out of doors when he got bored as a good friend?

Who strung you along with a pack of half truths? For 17 years?

A good friend? Who helps? Supports?

You're better than this.

He's taken 17 years. Don't give him another five minutes.

You're too busy. And special.

I can tell by your posts that you are smart. Start acting like it.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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OK. As of today, I'm making the NC commitment. Scared to let go.


LakeGirl
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no kids
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Originally Posted By: WhtRiverLakeGirl
OK. As of today, I'm making the NC commitment. Scared to let go.

Good job. It will be tough at first, but the longer you remain NC you will get stronger and heal.

You might need to change all your contact information. Can you do this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: WhtRiverLakeGirl
OK. As of today, I'm making the NC commitment. Scared to let go.


That's pretty normal. It's bad at first too.

Once I'd done two days I wanted to see him/hear him. But I knew contact would reset the clock and I would have to do those two days all over again.

I used to stand in the hallway with my coat on at noon on Sundays. Trying to tell myself it was OK to walk past the place he usually went to at noon on Sundays. It was a free country wasn't it! But really it was just so he could see me and know what he was missing.

I knew I'd have to fess up to any contact on here. That kept my nose clean.

I also knew if I just kept going, I'd get through withdrawal and there would be no more work to do. I'd be free.

And so I am!!! Look at my signature. Can you believe I ever grieved for such a loser? Now I have a wonderful man in my life and all the possibilities in the world.

At the one year mark, I climbed a mountain to celebrate my success with NC and healing. That was pretty apt because it was like climbing a mountain.

The view at the top is great.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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It's been a while...how're you doing with the NC?


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