Yes, I was in Plan B. He found out everything about first day and showed up, I asked if he had ended all contact with OW and ready to commit to MB. He said yes. So I decided to listen.

As far as EP's, so far he has quit his job, I told him I don't want him to work in restaurants ever again, he agreed and quit. He is working for my father now.
Number changed.
All accounts back in my hands, I will be resetting his phone.
We are not sure how to send NC letter to OW, she is living in another state,so we just sent her a text with the exact writing from SAA.
Email change.
Anything else I should add to this very letting him move back in?

TD, as far as SF. It has been 3 weeks, and he has agreed to no SF until he is STD tested.

As far as affairs being revealed, I am apprehensive. He is ready to confess everything, I am also. But we have both agreed to do it either with a counselor or during a Harley session. I tried to reveal one, and he became very angry. I am terrified to listen to him. We are stuck, but know it needs to be done.
I am still pushing a Poly, and he might want me to take one also. He is also asking me to send NC letter to the guys from my affairs. I agreed and to change my number. Also, no more passwords for either one of us.



Oh 20YH, we are both definitely ready. Whatever it takes, we are willing to do and more so if required. We have been horrendous to each other and never want to do that again to each other.

As far as consequences, we are taking this Sunday to go over everything a little more in detail. I have been crazy busy with college starting, and DS5 first year ever!! =).



I definitely agree with at least a few sessions with Steve. We have both stepped out of our relationship and need a direct approach. We are planning on purchasing the online program soon, I'm just waiting on some income of course, but definitely before the end of Sept. I refuse to not go through the whole program. We are also planning a weekend getaway alone.

I suggest you email Dr Harley this update.
Send him your previous email to refresh his memory and ask him how to proceed

Include your phone number so he can speak to you on the radio

This is an extremely good idea! See if your WH will join you as well. It can be really beneficial for Dr. Harley to have both parties perspective on events. There will also be a time for you to admit your affairs and he will have to do the same. I suggest you do it in a public place, like Starbucks or the public library, make sure the atomosphere is safe and don't have any AO's when your WH is trying to be truthful with you.

OK, I will try that.

Is it normal so still feel apprehensive? We spoke a little yesterday about OW, and I felt sick to my stomach. He told me we should just wait until we have the program.

Which I agree, but the questions are still there. He told me he might not want to know what I did, he said he always believed me to be the "saint" and loyal one.
It really helped to make me understand that he is also feeling insecure, and that now he realizes I have gone behind his back and will need to prove I can be trusted. I keep seeing it one sided,me, and not his pain also...

Ugh, managing my emotions is getting harder now that he is home. Although he is agreeing to all my EPs, when will I start feeling better?

So what do we do in the mean time? Make as many LB deposits? Go out? Talk?

He is being extra attentive to me, helping out with DS5, making sure to text and call me throughout the day, asking how I feel etc. But I still feel....weird... *sigh*.

I know I may be rambling. I'm in between classes and trying to sum up the most pressing questions. Hopefully tonight I can get an email written out to Dr. Harley.

Thanks guys!

The first thing is you need to sit down and get all your questions out about the affair and his questions about your affairs. Sit down, but set a time limit so it doesn't turn into a marathon. Write out your questions.

I would also suggest you do his at one time and yours at another. If you don't think you can remain calm or keep your emotions under control then talk with Steve Harley about what to do.

Then once they are all out never bring them up again.

Hey everyone, just dropping in to give a quick update.

So far we are making massive LB deposits, we have never felt so happy with each other. We are both working very hard at doing anything to make each other feel good. I can also say that SF has never felt better!!

Some downs though, like I have previously stated, my H has never been one to show emotion or talk about feelings, so now I am trying to learn how to deal with his emotions. It is very... confusing and different. Not bad, just VERY new. He is being honest and open about anything and everything, something that I am surprised by. So this has me working on my Love Busters constantly, no complaints though.

We should be ordering the program next week and diving in headfirst. Which we are both glad, we have put off confessions until we have the program on hand, we are both okay with that. He has agreed to a Poly once he confesses, and has asked me to take one also. Of course I agreed.

I am also reading the "Dealing with Triggers and Memories" thread, I have a hard time getting past reminders, but he is there talking and loving on me.

For him, he has stated he has a really hard time trusting me on my phone, he said anytime I receive an email or text he is uncomfortable. So I asked him what would make him feel better about it, and we have agreed to let him pick it up first and read whatever it is.

Beside those minor things, we are learning to actually LOVE and we truly thankful to y'all.

Will be back to update!

Fantastic update.

On the triggers thread make sure and listen to all the clips at the end of the thread that I posted. They are very good.

Have you affair proofed your marriage?

I suggest that until you actually enroll in the MB program, you post here daily.
As BH mentioned, you need to affair proof your marriage.
This is done by establishing extraordinary precautions.
What EP have you and wh implemented?

So far we have done the following, and they apply to both of us:

NC with AP's
Change cell number and accounts password known to both of us
Changed emails, and synced on both of our phones
Joint FB and IG, synced on both phones
No nights apart
No drinking
All RC done together
UA at about 18 hrs right now
He has quit his job, works for my father now.
Daily schedule known to each other, specifically mine
No phones in bed
He checks my phone when I receive messages or emails
No Opposite sex friendships
No one on one with anyone of the opposite sex
At least an arms length of space between those of other sex
Protecting each others feelings above anyone elses
Working on POJA, PORH, and POUA. Definitely need MB program.
Phone calls and texts are highest priority. (Actually had a problem yesterday because I did not reply to H until a few hours later because I had not received the message)
Using computer in his presence
Will give phone up anytime day or night no complaints.
Making sure to tell each other I Love You constantly.
Anytime we think "I won't tell spouse, or spouse won't like this" call or let each other know immediately.
Be completely honest and open about everything.

I'm sure there are more but these are the big ones for us.

JK, I am trying to get on here often, but I am up and busy with DS5 and my school since 6:30 until DH and I knock out about 10ish. So I try and come one in between classes and weekends.

One more thing. I am having nightmares almost every night. It's always the same, H leaving or breaking NC. It's almost every night now, regardless if I fall asleep beyond happy...
Will this go away with time? I don't feel it daily, and if I do feel emotional during the day I tell H, he talks to me and reassures me. I did notice this week I was more emotional, but I realized it was that time of the month. Could that play a role?

Hello everyone!

Just wanted to update you guys because thanks to y'all, H and I are in a better place so far, than we have EVER been.

I am on winter break from school right now and made the Deans List, with straight A's!! WooHoo!!! I really owe it to MB though, I put H and I on the forefront by scheduling everything, including my HW and Student Teaching. This was my first semester not having to stay up past midnight trying to finish everything. Thank you!! Only 2 semesters left!!

As far as Recovery, it was difficult at first, especially since it took us about a month and a half to purchase the program. So POJA was troublesome, but we are definitely getting better at it! H also had one incident where he received a ticket for speeding and did not tell me for two weeks, so I was beyond upset and reminded him of PORH. Since then he has been honest about anything and everything.

We are working on LB currently. Scheduling our UA time, right now its 15-22 hours a week. Money is still tight, since income was cut about 60%, but we are managing, happily!

My biggest issue, which I know will heal in time, is still triggers. We don't bring up the A anymore, but H knows when it's on my mind and he does probe. I'll tell him, he will apologize, hug, kiss, anything to make me feel better.

The biggest thing that I am thankful is my H talks to me now! About anything and everything. If you remember I truly feared he was a sociopath, but y'all were right, it was fogbabble. He has feelings, and emotions, and he is sweet and loving, something I did not know was possible!

EP's are still in place, we trade phones whenever, transparency is still there, no opposite sex friendships.

So far so GREAT!
I just want to thank you guys for getting me through the absolutely most painful experience of my life. Sometimes it still hurts, and I don't reread my posts or others here in SAA due to triggering, but I am grateful and I am always referring people to the website. I really could not have done it, I can say I have changed as a person. I am no longer having AO, my DJ and Assumptions have decreased a lot, but still a work in progress.

So happy to hear that recovery it working and both of you have bought in to the program. Congratulations!

Congrats!

Yay!!

So glad to hear your update.

Have you seen this?
Dr. Harley on How to Deal with Triggers

BH, I have listened to the ones you gave me previously, but these are more relatable. Thank you! You always know exactly what clips we need on here!

Hubby is listening with me right now. He has a hard time grasping how even something so simple as a color can cause triggers.

Good I'm so glad.

What did he think after he listened to them?

He said he knows that even small things trigger me. but he panics and doesn't know what to do, especially when we are out in public. I just told him a hug, kiss, or even a hand squeeze would work.
I'm just glad that her name is not common at all, but Japan is everywhere!!! I had never noticed that before lol. It really does suck though, I loved that culture, I watched anime, I even had a Japanese theme tattoo sketched, it was a dream of mine to visit... but I can't even stand the name or anything related to it anymore...

We had a small argument last night, regarding him not texting or calling throughout the day. I told him I really like and need him to keep in touch throughout the day, which I know is hard because he works construction. So I asked him to try at least in the morning before he begins, during lunch, and call me on his way home. I just feel EXTREMELY bothered by it because he was in contact with OW ALL DAY!!! Yeah, I understand before he was in an office and had time, I'm just really bothered... He is messaging me today, so far so good.

What really bugged me though is the fact that he stated he doesn't like conflict and he rather go with whatever I say to get over it. I found the "Conflict Avoidance is the kiss of death" thread and sent it to him.So we will see how it goes tonight.

I'm proud that I had no AO! I'll admit I did DJ and Assume, I was beyond frustrated that he wasn't POJA'ing with me just stating "I'll do it when I can" and that was the extent of his negotiation. So we let it go before either one of us got worse and we did apologize for our comments to each other.

Is there a radio show on conflict avoidance? If anyone can find it, I know it's you BrainHurts!

I will look for a clip.

Will he come here and post?

No, English is his second language and he has never felt comfortable writing it, or reading it, but I do tell him what I'm reading here.

I'm glad he is doing the program with me, I know it takes us longer, but he is trying and we stop often to go over anything he doesn't understand. I'm overall very happy, he is trying very hard!

He asked me to look up anger management classes for him, because he said he does not know how to react when there is a problem, so he resorts to anger. Partially I feel at fault because of my reactions the last 5 years towards him, he would just shut down. I've come across conflict avoidance classes and anger management classes, is there anything specific I should look for?

Dr. Harley advises to AVOID the anger management classes that use the "hitting the pillow" technique, or any other method that advises you to "let your anger out by expressing it."