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Originally Posted by Pen93
. but she says she cannot decide, will not stop talking to him, and any discussion about it turns to her moving out, says I am trying to trap her and its not fair on me.


You are trying to trap her? That is ridiculous. You are her husband and another man is attacking your marriage behind your back.

Expose.


ME: BW
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DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

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Pen, whenever you find yourself even thinking "she says...."

REMEMBER: That person speaking is not your wife. The person speaking is the alien created by addiction to an affair. That person talks only to protect and pursue the affair. Behind the alien, your wife is still there. Only the truth, and no contact with OM, will set her free.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Trying to get evidence for the OM's BS, I realise that I have little, all of it circumstantial. A few social media comments that tie in with specific dates and events I know happened, but I can't show a solid connection between them and it could be explained away. For me it is more than enough, and my WS contacts know me, but for a stranger caught off guard....?

I can't throw the switch on this all for a couple of days anyway (there is a specific and logical reason why that I can't share, I am not just stalling) but do I wait and attempt to gather more solid proof? I don't want to leave this any longer than I absolutely have to.


Me: BS Her: WS
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Originally Posted by Pen93
Trying to get evidence for the OM's BS, I realise that I have little, all of it circumstantial. A few social media comments that tie in with specific dates and events I know happened, but I can't show a solid connection between them and it could be explained away. For me it is more than enough, and my WS contacts know me, but for a stranger caught off guard....?

I can't throw the switch on this all for a couple of days anyway (there is a specific and logical reason why that I can't share, I am not just stalling) but do I wait and attempt to gather more solid proof? I don't want to leave this any longer than I absolutely have to.

Uh, dude, you have your WW's confession that this has been going on for many months. That's all you need. Call the woman.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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True.

I'm just thinking how I'd react if I had an IM from someone I'd never heard of said my wife was sleeping with someone else I'd never heard of.

I guess a) the fact that I'd been told would be enough on its own to get me asking questions and b) there'd never be enough proof, I'd need to find out for myself to be sure.


Me: BS Her: WS
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Originally Posted by Pen93
True.

I'm just thinking how I'd react if I had an IM from someone I'd never heard of said my wife was sleeping with someone else I'd never heard of.

I guess a) the fact that I'd been told would be enough on its own to get me asking questions and b) there'd never be enough proof, I'd need to find out for myself to be sure.

Send her an IM informing her who you are with your phone number. Tell her that you have some important information that she should know about and to give you a call to discuss the matter. You don't have to drop the whole load on her via IM. Just get her to contact you.

ETA: See if you can somehow track down her address or phone as well.

Last edited by Viper; 12/13/13 05:57 PM.

Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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Originally Posted by Pen93
Trying to get evidence for the OM's BS, I realise that I have little, all of it circumstantial. A few social media comments that tie in with specific dates and events I know happened, but I can't show a solid connection between them and it could be explained away. For me it is more than enough, and my WS contacts know me, but for a stranger caught off guard....?

I can't throw the switch on this all for a couple of days anyway (there is a specific and logical reason why that I can't share, I am not just stalling) but do I wait and attempt to gather more solid proof? I don't want to leave this any longer than I absolutely have to.

You have plenty of evidence with her confession. The OMs wife probably already knows too.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The day has arrived, tomorrow is the big E...the start of...whatever comes next. I hope I have the strength to see it through.

We have spent the day planning christmas, wrapping presents, putting up the tree, a really nice day.

I guess I got a little too upbeat at one point, got told "stop planning, you don't know what I'll decide." Even then, that specific reminder of what has lead up to this, even then I can't bear that I will cause her pain. It is killing me, knowing what I am about to do. But I know I can't carry on like this, things have to change. I don't know if it is the right thing, I don't know if I am doing it for the right reasons, I don't know anything anymore...and the worst is still to come.

Do I change all my passwords. Do I hide the car keys. Do I dress up for when she comes home. Do I give it all up and live with it. Do I just find somewhere to hide till everything goes away. Am I doing this just out of spite. Do I ask everyone to be gentle with my sweetheart. Will she be ok if she runs away. Is she too stubborn to forgive me. Am I just fooling myself that this could work...a thousand unanswered questions are swirling around in my pounding head while I smile and agree about how bad the person's outfit on the TV is.

She asked me if I was feeling ok, I say I'm feeling unwell. She suggests I go to bed early (she has been sleeping in another room since D-day, her choice). Was it concern for me, or getting rid of me to talk to the OM. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore. I feel like I've read every blog, analysed every opinion, weighed every option, and I am never going to be certain which way is best. All I know is that I will own this decision. For better or worse, it is my decision to make and I will nail it to the wall and I will live with the consequences.

I can't do anything else.


Me: BS Her: WS
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Pen, good luck tomorrow, we will all be thinking of you. No, you won't be the one causing your W pain�you are going to be the one who is bringing HER choices to the light so that they can be seen in reality.

Speaking from experience, the first E is the toughest. After that, you'll see that the support starts pouring in and you'll KNOW that you did the right thing. smile


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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Originally Posted by Pen93
Do I change all my passwords. Do I hide the car keys. Do I dress up for when she comes home. Do I give it all up and live with it. Do I just find somewhere to hide till everything goes away. Am I doing this just out of spite. Do I ask everyone to be gentle with my sweetheart. Will she be ok if she runs away. Is she too stubborn to forgive me. Am I just fooling myself that this could work...a thousand unanswered questions are swirling around in my pounding head while I smile and agree about how bad the person's outfit on the TV is.

My biggest concern are your plans. Please show us your plans, along with timing, targets [not names but relationships], exposure tactic and give some examples of your emails, talking points. That way we can give you feedback to make sure you are doing it effectively.

You don't need to hide car keys, change passwords or dress up. I know it is scary but remember the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid her anger at all costs. And no, you don't ask everyone to be "gentle" with your wife, she is not a little child. She is a grown woman who is in need of your help. You are helping her by exposing her affair.

I am very glad you are exposing. I did not give you much chance of hope unless you decided to do this.

One key piece of advice I can give you is to go large. If you do just a little trickle exposure, you will not do enough to kill the affair but you will make the affairees mad enough to come after you. Expose to as many people as possible, especially on the OM's side. Since he is a married man, it is very likely he will dump her quickly.

Originally Posted by Pen
Is she too stubborn to forgive me.

You don't need her forgiveness,[you did nothing wrong] but she is very likely to overcome her anger *IF* you successfully kill the affair. Anger over exposure is a result of the fog and the fog is the result of contact with her OM.

Are you prepared for her anger and threats of "divorce" and "I was going to give you a chance but now I am not??" that is what they all say. It is like taking the bar keys away from the falling down drunk. They are furious!! But it is the right thing to do.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have listed:

My and her parents
Her best friend & her partner (according to WS does not know)
2 of my good friends including my best man
7 of her close friends
2 work colleagues...
One was unfortunately an innocent bystander for the initial discovery but may not know all the facts.
The other was fully aware and an enabler with similar tendencies. I don't know if this will have any benefit, but I see no reason not to. I fully expect a negative response from this one.

The OM's wife, and I believe I have identified his sister. I know nothing about him or his family, so it is hard to be sure. I have also identified 3 other potential relatives from FB, but again not certain at all on relationships.

I won't notify her work beyond those that already know, I can't put her career at risk irrespective of everything else going on.


Me: BS Her: WS
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Originally Posted by Pen93
I have listed:

My and her parents
Her best friend & her partner (according to WS does not know)
2 of my good friends including my best man
7 of her close friends
2 work colleagues...
One was unfortunately an innocent bystander for the initial discovery but may not know all the facts.
The other was fully aware and an enabler with similar tendencies. I don't know if this will have any benefit, but I see no reason not to. I fully expect a negative response from this one.

Is this a workplace affair?

Quote
The OM's wife, and I believe I have identified his sister. I know nothing about him or his family, so it is hard to be sure. I have also identified 3 other potential relatives from FB, but again not certain at all on relationships.

HOW are you exposing to these people? Does the OM have a facebook page? Do you have a plan to contact his parents? Have you tried to find them? Have you tried to find any of the wife's relatives on facebook?

Quote
I won't notify her work beyond

If this is a workplace affair, do you intend on exposing it officially to the director of HR?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Planning on telling parents first, followed by a message to all of the other people on my friends list, followed by individual messages to those I don't have direct contact with, all tomorrow.

I also plan to notify my manager at work, to explain in case there is any fallout on that front.


Me: BS Her: WS
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I would expose in this order:

1. OM's wife and parents
2. your close family
3. OM's facebook friends
4. your wifes friends


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This is a long distance affair, hence me knowing little of the details of his family. The majority of the messages will be going out through facebook, especially her friends and his relatives, as I do not have contact details for them outside of there. I am aware of the limitation of sending messages to non-friends with facebook from reading on here, will pay the fee.

I have found a facebook page for a linked older man that could be OM's father, but it looks abandoned. OM's own page is blocked, so I have had to find all my information by going through pages connected to his. I do not know the wife's maiden name, so I do not have the first clue who her parents may be.


Me: BS Her: WS
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ILYBINILWY, can't decide if it is me or him.
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HOW are you contacting the OM's wife?

Is this a workplace affair?

Do you have a way to contact his parents and/or the OMW's parents?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Pen93
This is a long distance affair, hence me knowing little of the details of his family. The majority of the messages will be going out through facebook, especially her friends and his relatives, as I do not have contact details for them outside of there. I am aware of the limitation of sending messages to non-friends with facebook from reading on here, will pay the fee.

ok, good. You should also copy and paste the contact list for safe keeping because when he finds out what you are doing, he will shut down the page. I would also ask them to contact the OM's parents and have them call you.

What about the OMW? Do you have her contact info?

Can you post your letter?

Quote
I have found a facebook page for a linked older man that could be OM's father, but it looks abandoned. OM's own page is blocked, so I have had to find all my information by going through pages connected to his. I do not know the wife's maiden name, so I do not have the first clue who her parents may be.

Can you get the OM's parent's phone #?

Smart of you to get info from OM's connections pages!! I feel more assured now because you were clever enough to do that. laugh


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Can you get the phone # of the OM's house so you can call the OMW?

How are you planning on contacting her?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I was intending to send the OM's wife a facebook message saying something like:

My name is <blah>, I am aware that you don't know me and this is a very unusual situation but I have some important personal information that you should be made aware of. This would be better discussed over the phone than by text, so please could you call me on <XXX> as soon as you are able.

The affair is not work related in any way.

I have no reliable way of contacting his parents, I know his work place address and I have found his wife through google because her profile is open on FB and lists him as "married"


Me: BS Her: WS
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Dear relatives and friends of <WS>

This is one of the must difficult things I have ever had to write. With a very heavy heart I have to tell you that in the last week I have discovered that <WS> has been conducting an affair with <OM>, a married man from <OM's hometown>, for several months. I have asked <WS> to stop and cut all contact with the man, but she is reluctant.

I love <WS> with all my heart, and dearly hope that we can fix what has been broken within our relationship. For this reason I am asking that (if you feel you can) please could you talk to <WS> about ending this harmful affair and work with me to rebuild and recover.

I will append my and her phone #, email.


Me: BS Her: WS
Married: Nov 2009
D-Day: 7th Dec 2013
ILYBINILWY, can't decide if it is me or him.
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