Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 360
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 360
Originally Posted by kingsrr
Is seeking medical for AD worth the time and money?

Yes, anti-depressants have helped many people. Wellbutrin has lower side effects than many others. If you are feeling some depression, you should tell your doctor about what is going on.

Originally Posted by kingsrr
WW did a session of honesty and reveal.

More information than she previously provided to you?

Originally Posted by kingsrr
WW says more than sorry and pretty much willing and is doing anything she can. Which is one reason why I want to believe I have the whole truth. The other is the facts I have surrounding the hotel visits do fit with her details. NO SEX! I know this is hard for any man to believe, but many women agree with NO SEX! Her parents also believe there was NO SEX!

Then there should be absolutely NO problem with her taking a Poly to prove there wasn't any sex!


W (me) - 40
H - 44
M 15 years, 2 kids
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by kingsrr
[. NO SEX! I know this is hard for any man to believe, but many women agree with NO SEX! Her parents also believe there was NO SEX!

Please note that the WOMEN on this forum don't believe it. And we have the advantage of being familiar with cheaters. If your wife is telling the truth, then she should pass her polygraph with flying colors!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Waywards don't meet their affair partners in hotel rooms unless it is to have sex. I am also a woman and I don't believe her story for one second.

If she's lying to you about this, it makes me very very suspicious that the affair has just gone further underground.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
It's pretty clear that your WW is very hopeful the poly will never be followed through with.

My ex also swore on a stack of bibles that he had told me "the whole truth" and enthusiastically agreed to poly. It never happened....I later found out he, in fact, was still hiding things...a lot of things....

We actually see this a lot on the forums....it's a bad combination of a BS wanting to believe their WS and just move on to recovery + gaslighting wayward....and that's why we push people not to put it on the back burner.

If you don't get the truth, you are facing a false recovery. And NOBODY here -- I repeat NOBODY -- wants to see you endure that.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by kingsrr
I found that my wife was doing many many things behind my back. I have discovered over 400 texts a day between WW and OM; mostly when she was at work or I was busy with kids. I found 2 hotel room charges on WW credit card (not joint) On nights she was supposed to be working overnight shifts. I found explicit images on her phone sent from OM.
redflag redflag

You keep emphatically stating that NC is in place. But here you tell us she was communicating with the OM "mostly when she was at work". She still works currently 12 hr shifts and overnight shifts! You realize that she can EASILY still be communicating with the OM through the work phone or computer at work, right?

She may also have a secret affair phone now that she knows you have a watchdog program on her phone - since it seems you got her "joint agreement" on this. Not something we would have recommended. At all.




Originally Posted by kingsrr
Confrontation begun and has continued for 3 weeks. WW continues to state that I know everything. More and more information leeks out almost daily. She did confess and continues to work on it. WW claims this to be only an EA. "But we didn't have sex!"
redflag redflag

This is an especially CRUEL tactic of a wayward - a slow dripping of trickle truth daily for three weeks. I don't believe for ONE SECOND that she finally "told you everything". She has been playing that card from day one.




Quote
WW did choose me and broke off contact very soon after D-Day. NC not done yet! Well, not completely to the rules of Dr. Harley; or to my liking.
redflag redflag

No NC letter being sent is a BIG RED FLAG that the affair is not over. Which I suspected before I even saw this fact.

Sorry to tell you but you are in a FALSE RECOVERY, kingsrr. frown

Last edited by SusieQ; 01/28/14 07:58 PM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
How long has this affair been going on? I don't see that anywhere, unless I missed it.

Was this exposed to your children?

I hope you will answer these questions...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
K
kingsrr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by SusieQ
How long has this affair been going on? I don't see that anywhere, unless I missed it.

Was this exposed to your children?

I hope you will answer these questions...
4 months in all.
Kids talked to.

Also, as all different. NC was message to OM as he dare not answer phone. As I told her to never talk to him again, she made it clear to OM immediately. Didn't text is the Dr.Harley missing part.

Again different, WS was in denial of A and had to piece it together. No sex was no A in her mind.

Yes, am worried she is away long times and could be doing things. But can not be at her side forever, var not needed for me.


BH(me):40; WW(her):38
married 22 years on Jan 3.
DS 19; DD 16
D-Day: Jan 2, 2014
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
K
kingsrr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
BTW: exposure to his sisters and they replied displeasure. They will help in any way possible.
So not worried about underground.


BH(me):40; WW(her):38
married 22 years on Jan 3.
DS 19; DD 16
D-Day: Jan 2, 2014
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by kingsrr
BTW: exposure to his sisters and they replied displeasure. They will help in any way possible.
So not worried about underground.

Why are you not worried that it has gone underground? She has plenty of opportunity and no reason to stop.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
K
kingsrr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
That was my issue.
She is over OM and wants me.
She put in past. She wants Recover now.
She is doing what she can to get me there.

I don't feel closure or trust.
At this point its diff from others as she woke up before I discovered. I am just making sure ground is strong before I build on it.

Reason, WW chose me, even before we started fixing us. 22 years and plenty of problems, she thinks we can fix this one also. WW is reading 2 books now. Both recommended by Dr. Harley.


BH(me):40; WW(her):38
married 22 years on Jan 3.
DS 19; DD 16
D-Day: Jan 2, 2014
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
The problem is that this is a garden variety affair and unless she changes the environment that led to the affair, it will continue. Dr Harley would tell her to remove the conditions that led to the affair.

Quote
WW is reading 2 books now. Both recommended by Dr. Harley.

Which ones? Did she speak to Dr Harley?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
K
kingsrr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
Yes, conditions removed. Mostly WW thinking op-sex friends okay to be intense.

Books. SAA. And another to help her drive. (Both are great!)


BH(me):40; WW(her):38
married 22 years on Jan 3.
DS 19; DD 16
D-Day: Jan 2, 2014
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 360
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 360
Originally Posted by kingsrr
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Was this exposed to your children?
4 months in all.
Kids talked to.

What did you say to your children? Did you tell your children that their mother went to a hotel with OM several times?


W (me) - 40
H - 44
M 15 years, 2 kids
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
K
kingsrr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
Yes. Kids 16 and 19. Gave all . all. Facts.
I believe they are at great age to understand and learn from. They are good and giving us more space to vent and work.
I love them so much, they have shinned so much through this.


BH(me):40; WW(her):38
married 22 years on Jan 3.
DS 19; DD 16
D-Day: Jan 2, 2014
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
K
kingsrr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
Sorry, this again was for me.
How to move on. WW wants to. Dr. Harley says to. Friends want me to.
Its just really hard and I constantly second guess.


BH(me):40; WW(her):38
married 22 years on Jan 3.
DS 19; DD 16
D-Day: Jan 2, 2014
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Kingsrr,

Even if your WW is done with OM, the fact that she is still dishonest with your about what happened is going to prevent her from recovering from this affair.

WWs continued dishonesty is also the basis for the next affair, get the polygraph there is a good chance WW will confess on the way to the polygraph in the car.

God Bless
Gamma

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
Originally Posted by kingsrr
Sorry, this again was for me.
How to move on. WW wants to. Dr. Harley says to. Friends want me to.
Its just really hard and I constantly second guess.

I've never heard Dr. Harley utter those words except in the context that a wayward is just gone. Never during recovery. Sounds like a helluva lot of rugsweeping going on here.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Originally Posted by kingsrr
Originally Posted by BlindSighted2013
We feel like we can recover one minute, and then think that we want to divorce the next minute.

Once your WW comes clean on all of the details, and once she ends contact and comes out of the fog, THEN she will start to show empathy for your feelings and will do what she can to re-assure you.

Is seeking medical for AD worth the time and money?

WW did a session of honesty and reveal. WW says more than sorry and pretty much willing and is doing anything she can. Which is one reason why I want to believe I have the whole truth. The other is the facts I have surrounding the hotel visits do fit with her details. NO SEX! I know this is hard for any man to believe, but many women agree with NO SEX! Her parents also believe there was NO SEX!


Her parents may say they believe her. Though dollars to doughnuts they have their doubts. Though the will never admit them to you.

I hate to say how many years, 10+, reading affair forums. This experience is what makes me believe there was sex. Now your WW can be using the Clinton defense. Anyway I have seen more BH's then I can remember as you. Denying the truth that this was a PA. Because without concrete evidence and your WW not admitting that she did the OM. You can do your own damage control. And, continue to live in the land of denial.

Think about it. Flea bag motel $50, nice one $100. Who us going to spend that much money to have a place to talk?

Sit in a diner over a cup of coffee. Dunkin to go. Then drive to a Park and park.

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
K
kingsrr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 35
Not really in full agreement that a Poly will help all that much. But I do see that it should help me at least. Maybe get her to see severity as well.

I am going to take her Saturday am. Will let y'all know.

also: I am still in the fog thinking that as long as WW admitted the A, regardless of how long or how intense, this is a step. That WW has NC for life, is a bigger step. That WW is extremely apologetic and eager to SAA. That points that matter most are made; and I should get off this kick and work toward the long road of R.

Last edited by kingsrr; 01/30/14 10:50 AM.

BH(me):40; WW(her):38
married 22 years on Jan 3.
DS 19; DD 16
D-Day: Jan 2, 2014
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
I dont understand your post.
Is she taking a polygraph this Saturday?

Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 38 guests, and 75 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82, Dezzeiemm
71,726 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,727
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5