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My ex-WW may soon be in an affairage. I got the following email message from her tonight: Before you call back, you should know that MY AFFAIR PARTNER asked me to marry him on Sunday. The girls were there for the moment, so they're aware and may bring it up with you. I don't feel bitterness, wrath, or anger; just sorrow for my two daughters and our old family. Well, I may be upset about my ex-WW and her AP; don't bad consequences ever fall upon them? But answering that question pales in comparison to the effect they will have on our two DD's. Now I need to come up with a response to the ex-WW. I don't want to enable, validate, or rescue her. I cannot condemn or damn her either. Do you recommend I respond to her email by not acknowledging it, per Dr. H's Plan B?
Me: BH, 42
Her: WW, 35
Married: 2004 (after 4 years of dating)
Two DD's (6 & 4)
Her EA Begins: 2008
Move Out: 2009
D-Day: 01/22/10
Exposed to 12 of her family and friends and his too
Plan A: May 2010 to Nov. 2010
Plan B: Nov. 2010 to March 2012
Divorce Final: 2011
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... I forgot to add context to my post above. My two DD's have been exposed to the AP for three years; my oldest DD, who is 6, has memories of our old family, while the youngest DD, who is 4, does not. The oldest DD seems indifferent and the youngest DD seems to like the AP.
As for the AP, he would be on his second marriage. His first marriage would be similar to this one: He is the new guy coming in to a marriage in which his new wife has children by another man; in fact, his previous wife had one child by another man and adopted another. I sense a pattern here.
My ex-WW and the AP have been together she moved out four years ago, although her initial non-sexual affair began a year before that.
Me: BH, 42
Her: WW, 35
Married: 2004 (after 4 years of dating)
Two DD's (6 & 4)
Her EA Begins: 2008
Move Out: 2009
D-Day: 01/22/10
Exposed to 12 of her family and friends and his too
Plan A: May 2010 to Nov. 2010
Plan B: Nov. 2010 to March 2012
Divorce Final: 2011
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Do you recommend I respond to her email by not acknowledging it, per Dr. H's Plan B? You don't have to respond but I would only because I think the presence of a step-parent in a child's life is a big deal...even if it sucks that it's an AP. My response would be: "OK" That's all...nothing more. I think it rubs an exWS when the exBS shows indifference. Many exWSs expect or want some drama. If she sends anything else beyond that, I would ignore it and not respond. My two cents.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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My ex-WW may soon be in an affairage. I got the following email message from her tonight: Before you call back, you should know that MY AFFAIR PARTNER asked me to marry him on Sunday. The girls were there for the moment, so they're aware and may bring it up with you. I don't feel bitterness, wrath, or anger; just sorrow for my two daughters and our old family. Well, I may be upset about my ex-WW and her AP; don't bad consequences ever fall upon them? But answering that question pales in comparison to the effect they will have on our two DD's. Now I need to come up with a response to the ex-WW. I don't want to enable, validate, or rescue her. I cannot condemn or damn her either. Do you recommend I respond to her email by not acknowledging it, per Dr. H's Plan B? I wouldn't respond or even be cordial to her or the man. Its bound to fail. They are renters.
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Hi Black Raven,
Thanks for your advice! I like it: Give an indifferent response. I may do it.
Before I do, I wonder about sending her an alternate response: "I hope and pray you return to the faith of your baptism."
I am Catholic and she was too before the A. I am sincere in my desire for her to return to our faith, or the Christian faith at least. What do you think?
... Blessings to you persevering through your struggle.
Last edited by Michael2013; 10/29/13 03:00 AM.
Me: BH, 42
Her: WW, 35
Married: 2004 (after 4 years of dating)
Two DD's (6 & 4)
Her EA Begins: 2008
Move Out: 2009
D-Day: 01/22/10
Exposed to 12 of her family and friends and his too
Plan A: May 2010 to Nov. 2010
Plan B: Nov. 2010 to March 2012
Divorce Final: 2011
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Posts: 16
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Hi Jedi Knight,
Thanks for your advice too.
I agree: Cordiality, as in "warm and friendly," is not the way to go. It suggests acceptance.
Acknowledging them by their Christian names without a salutation is better.
Me: BH, 42
Her: WW, 35
Married: 2004 (after 4 years of dating)
Two DD's (6 & 4)
Her EA Begins: 2008
Move Out: 2009
D-Day: 01/22/10
Exposed to 12 of her family and friends and his too
Plan A: May 2010 to Nov. 2010
Plan B: Nov. 2010 to March 2012
Divorce Final: 2011
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Don't comment about her religious path.
It will not serve the purpose you think you have in mind.
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Hi Black Raven,
Thanks for your advice! I like it: Give an indifferent response. I may do it.
Before I do, I wonder about sending her an alternate response: "I hope and pray you return to the faith of your baptism."
I am Catholic and she was too before the A. I am sincere in my desire for her to return to our faith, or the Christian faith at least. What do you think?
... Blessings to you persevering through your struggle. Have you read the book of Hosea?
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Thanks. I followed Black Raven's response and wrote "okay." Ex-WW has not responded in three days. Mission accomplished, I guess.
I am curious. Do you think commenting on her religious path would have both inflamed her and caused her to undermine Christianity with our DD's?
Me: BH, 42
Her: WW, 35
Married: 2004 (after 4 years of dating)
Two DD's (6 & 4)
Her EA Begins: 2008
Move Out: 2009
D-Day: 01/22/10
Exposed to 12 of her family and friends and his too
Plan A: May 2010 to Nov. 2010
Plan B: Nov. 2010 to March 2012
Divorce Final: 2011
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Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 16
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Posts: 16 |
Me: BH, 42
Her: WW, 35
Married: 2004 (after 4 years of dating)
Two DD's (6 & 4)
Her EA Begins: 2008
Move Out: 2009
D-Day: 01/22/10
Exposed to 12 of her family and friends and his too
Plan A: May 2010 to Nov. 2010
Plan B: Nov. 2010 to March 2012
Divorce Final: 2011
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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I encourage you to.
God commands his prophet Hosea to take an adulterous woman as his wife.
T he wife leaves her husband but later returns when she says, "my husband treated me better than this man"
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I am curious. Do you think commenting on her religious path would have both inflamed her and caused her to undermine Christianity with our DD's? Who knows but I would not have made comment about her religious path...she is going to do what she wants. You need to stop wondering about what goes on in her mind...that will just keep you stuck or have a negative impact on your emotions.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Posts: 16
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What does everybody think of young kids shuttling back and forth between two married homes?
I would like to get married, but worry the effect another marriage would have on my kids.
Getting married to a wonderful and virtuous woman sounds good. But I suspect my two DD's would find it disagreeable, as I would have less time with them.
Already, DD6 is upset about ex-WW's impending marriage and the prospect of living with her AP five nights a week.
Me: BH, 42
Her: WW, 35
Married: 2004 (after 4 years of dating)
Two DD's (6 & 4)
Her EA Begins: 2008
Move Out: 2009
D-Day: 01/22/10
Exposed to 12 of her family and friends and his too
Plan A: May 2010 to Nov. 2010
Plan B: Nov. 2010 to March 2012
Divorce Final: 2011
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Posts: 11,239
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My understanding is that in general step moms have more trouble with step daughters and step dads have more trouble with step sons.
There are no perfect solutions once a FOO is broken.
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I just listened to all three of those. That was you Jedi right? Good info there.
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Already, DD6 is upset about ex-WW's impending marriage and the prospect of living with her AP five nights a week. Is DD6 upset over the marriage or does her mother neglect her? No one has a crystal ball but if you don't force a gf/potential wife onto your kids and continue to make time for them, you may have a better outcome. I have a boy and a girl. Both my children like my bf...especially my son. They are older than your girls though.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Posts: 11,239
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Black raven,
Harley states in the Radio Call posted above that the problems are usually same sex
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My bf has a teen daughter and has no issue with me. My teen son has no issue with my bf. Could that change if we married and create a blended family? Idk but we all get along well. We also did not push the bf/gf onto our children either, nor introduced them to each other for a long time...which I think helped a lot.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 16
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OP
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Posts: 16 |
How does a BS fuse let go of his disgust for the AP? By fusing it for love for his DD's? I should add the AP and the ex-WW have a wedding date set for August.
Here's my situation: I had a slip of the tongue tonight. DD6 admitted she lied to her teacher. She admitted it to the ex-WW and to the AP. She admitted it to me too.
It's not OK to lie to ex-WW, but it's OK to lie to the AP, I said tongue in cheek slightly. DD6 repeated this to ex-WW. Now ex-WW wants to know why I said lying to her step father was okay.
My response: He's not her step father.
I think this response was decent, but other disagreements about the AP will cause me headaches. As one poster said, WS' love drama.
Any thoughts?
Probably my disgust got the best of me. The AP lied to me, broke up my marriage. I have zero respect for him.
Me: BH, 42
Her: WW, 35
Married: 2004 (after 4 years of dating)
Two DD's (6 & 4)
Her EA Begins: 2008
Move Out: 2009
D-Day: 01/22/10
Exposed to 12 of her family and friends and his too
Plan A: May 2010 to Nov. 2010
Plan B: Nov. 2010 to March 2012
Divorce Final: 2011
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