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Originally Posted by MarriedForever
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
At this point, I would not expose without first consulting your attorney.
You want that custody agreement to be signed and sealed!

Focus on getting custody and a good settlement.
I wouldnt do anything to rock the affair boat if it would negatively affect the custody

This was the advice I have been giving her. It's very hard for hotmess to wait right now because he is spreading vicious rumors about her behind her back and spinning the story (not that this is shocking).

hotmess ~ did the attorney give you an idea of how long before the D is final?

Looks like the fastest it can possibly be final is mid-august.

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Originally Posted by itsahotmess2014
Originally Posted by black_raven
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Focus on getting custody and a good settlement.
I wouldnt do anything to rock the affair boat if it would negatively affect the custody

x 2

I would not expose until your divorce papers are signed and sealed. How long ago did you file? I'm pretty sure CA is one of those states where you can still enter the decree even if the minimum time has not lapsed and then just wait for the "official" date. If you only have to deal with him short term you may just want to tough it out and limit your contact as much as possible. There's no reason to talk to him every day but I would not go into Plan B just yet if him signing is just around the corner.

I filed a few weeks ago. I was told the mandatory 6 mo waiting period begins from the day he was served (2/12/14). So the absolute soonest that the divorce can be finalized is 8/12/14.

Gotcha. I just looked up CA law. You can still get the divorce judgement approved before the six months is up. That would be the main thing. After that, you will just be waiting until it is official and final.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Quote
You can still get the divorce judgement approved before the six months is up.

Great news! I assume her attorney will take care of this, or is there anything hotmess needs to do to speed this up?


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Originally Posted by itsahotmess2014
...the money he stole. He paid $5,000 of the tax money that he took.

What money did WH steal? The $5k of tax money is repayment in full?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Hotmess has your attorney given you any advice on legal action you can take against WH to recoup at least half of the 15K he stole?


Me-BS 41
WH-40
DS-9
DS-6
DS-3

12/2/2009 Discovered WH "Online flirting"
3/17/2010 WH admitted to PA
3/21/2010 WH admitted to 2 other ONS

-We are working on it....
Y3Boys #2784867 02/22/14 01:48 AM
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she said take what ever he will offer to repay at this point. He only offered $5,000. He drained everything from the bank account. Had me paying all bills 100% (including credit cards i didn't know were being used, hotel bills, phone bills, etc...) He even took me to dinner for my birthday two months ago ON MY OWN DIME. He acted as though he was paying for things when he wasn't. It was all coming out of what was supposed to be "our" joint account. In reality he had pulled his direct deposit out long ago and was transferring portions of my direct deposit into his secret account. That is also where he hid the tax return. When I found out I was able to view the records going back over a year. I paid for trips I didn't know about, porn, gambling, his online dating accounts, you name it.

The attorney stated since he doesn't own anything (like a home) to collect on it's pointless to sue him. I always could sue him for the losses but collecting could prove difficult since he will already be garnished for the child support.

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I think you should follow the attorneys advice.
The custody is what's important

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I think you should follow the attorneys advice.
The custody is what's important
I agree. I'd put all my energy into the custody agreement.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You might benefit from a "secret IM". WH would send emails to you, which unbeknownst to him would route through the secret IM. The IM would filter out the garbage and pass the rest on. You would then respond to WH yourself.

WH would never know he was being filtered, only that you fail to respond to his attempts at hurting you. Your case for custody is intact, and you're protected.

You need to be protected. hug


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2784974 02/22/14 07:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Neak
You might benefit from a "secret IM". WH would send emails to you, which unbeknownst to him would route through the secret IM. The IM would filter out the garbage and pass the rest on. You would then respond to WH yourself.

WH would never know he was being filtered, only that you fail to respond to his attempts at hurting you. Your case for custody is intact, and you're protected.

You need to be protected. hug

Great idea! Thanks Neak. smile


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I've been a secret IM and a regular IM. Being a regular IM is less complicated, and best for most cases. A secret IM works well enough for the rest, such as when a judge has ordered contact or it strongly benefits the BS.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2785006 02/22/14 11:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Neak
I've been a secret IM and a regular IM. Being a regular IM is less complicated, and best for most cases. A secret IM works well enough for the rest, such as when a judge has ordered contact or it strongly benefits the BS.

She's had no court order or anything, mostly we are worried about p*ssing him off and him withholding money that she desperately needs. Thoughts?

I'd like to do this the easiest way since I will be her IM so any help/advice would be great. smile


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Dont upset him.
But Harley would advise plan B if her mental health is in risk

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I would count this under "strongly benefits the BS".

Most BS's would lean toward a secret IM system just cause they're chicken and don't want to upset their WS. Totally not the case here. Custody of the kids is a strategic goal that will be much easier to achieve if the waters are ruffled the least amount possible...until it's settled in court. Then let the hurricanes begin. smile


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2785012 02/23/14 12:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Neak
I would count this under "strongly benefits the BS".

Most BS's would lean toward a secret IM system just cause they're chicken and don't want to upset their WS. Totally not the case here. Custody of the kids is a strategic goal that will be much easier to achieve if the waters are ruffled the least amount possible...until it's settled in court. Then let the hurricanes begin. smile

He's already signed over custody but I am not familiar enough with D to know what that means...is it iron-clad? Does it have to be recorded or anything or his John Hancock on a single document enough? Can he recant it later?

She is not quite ready to go into Plan B yet but she is preparing...she needs to figure out a way for her WH to contact her kids (either a landline or a cell phone), etc. She is working on taking herself out of the mix entirely so she does not have to have any C with him at all.

Should she warn him that she is doing this with a pseudo Plan B letter? (I say pseudo because she does not want to recover the M so it would not be a typical PBL ~ more along the lines of "being in contact with you is too painful and so Miss MF is going to pass all info between us, you have hurt me enough, please comply with my wishes to minimize the pain you have caused me by not contacting me directly". Whether or not this will work, we are unsure. But considering that he has about 95% checked out of the M, including the children, we are hopeful.

Last edited by MarriedForever; 02/23/14 01:00 AM.

Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I don't know enough about legal matters to know when it becomes ironclad. I wouldn't rock the boat till I was sure. Once an atty tells her she's good, the letter you suggested sounds great.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2785036 02/23/14 12:07 PM
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Do the letter After she has full legal custody and when her attorney says to.
I did it the day of divorce!

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hotmess, can you let us know when you think it's safe to send the letter and go NC with your WH? As soon as you feel it's safe we will do this.

The sooner the better for your own sanity but not until you have everything in writing that you want/need. We don't want him going batsh*t crazy before then and withholding money or further screwing you over.

Thank you Neak and Jedi!


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I am confused. If she has no Orders, then what makes her think she has custody? What was signed regarding custody of the children?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Neak #2785194 02/24/14 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Neak
You might benefit from a "secret IM". WH would send emails to you, which unbeknownst to him would route through the secret IM. The IM would filter out the garbage and pass the rest on. You would then respond to WH yourself.

WH would never know he was being filtered, only that you fail to respond to his attempts at hurting you. Your case for custody is intact, and you're protected.

You need to be protected. hug

That sounds like a brilliant idea. I had a set back with him yesterday. He pulled a stunt and then called and I made the mistake of answering. Fell right back into the emotional wreck that I have been trying to not be.

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