I'm new to all this...but here is a brief run down of how I have gotten here. My ninth wedding anniversary would be coming up in two weeks. We have two boys 7 & 11 yrs old. My husband and I met and were engaged after 6 months. I insisted on a long engagement, so we moved in together and lived together for 2 years before we married. Money was always a struggle during the marriage. I worked a lot to keep up afloat while he only had a part time job. Eventually he began working full time and would disappear for days on end. I suspect that is when his first affair began. He always insisted on controlling the purse strings during the entire marriage, but things would get frustrating when the money never seemed to add up to the amount that he said he was working.

A few years ago I received an email from a girl that we used to go to church with stating that he was having an affair and that she felt it was the right thing to tell me. I never was able to confirm it with real evidence. I think at that point, being that I had just had my second son I didn't want to know if it was true. I never imagined he could do that to me. Then about 2 1/2 years ago our very close friend confronted me and told me that she had a "special relationship" with him as well. She told me that he had bad mouthed me to her, told her that all I do is work, that I'm a horrible wife and bad mother. This all happened right before a big sports trip. I was so upset and hurt but I knew I had to save face and go ahead with the trip for my son. I insisted that when we got back we had to go to counseling or we could not continue.

We started counseling. I never really felt that we got much from it. He would never admit what he had done and I became more and more angry with him for not admitting. After almost 2 years of counseling (Feb '13) the husband (my husband's former best friend) texted me that he had confirmed that my husband and his wife did indeed have an affair and that he had divorced her. I felt vindicated. The whole time he had told me I was crazy to believe her. I became more and more withdrawn from him. He still even with counseling would not admit to it. Only admitted to bad mouthing me to her.

The final straw was when in August of last year a neighbor came across the street and accused him of having an affair w/his wife. Again, my husband said that the neighbor was crazy and lying and I was crazy to believe it. I kicked him out that night. We remained close, but he moved in with his grandparents. He would tell me he loved me, acted like he was desperate to restore the marriage.

I was very close to asking him to go back to counseling with me and possibly move back in when my son told me his dad had a girlfriend. Over night he completely switched into a different human being. I found out through phone records, bank records, emails,etc... He had been on every disgusting dating site you can imagine for some time. I even paid for one of them. He has a pregnant girlfriend in San Diego (he claims not his baby, that she's a surrogate), he had stolen our tax return and drained the bank accounts, maxed out the credit cards and removed me as a user from all of them, drained his retirement, and had been stashing money in different accounts that I never even knew existed. I keep finding out more day by day. I have finally forced myself to stop looking because the more I find out the more ill I become by it.

I filed for divorce. He is desperate to get the divorce completed as soon as possible. Even signed over custody of the children to me without batting an eye. I feel completely lost. I don't want this divorce. I want my husband back. I want the man I married to do right by our family and right his wrongs. I know I was not a perfect wife. I did work a lot, I thought I was doing the right thing to keep us afloat. I'm willing to make whatever changes I have to, even re-locate if need be. I don't know what to do at this point. Please help.

Hi hotmess!

Good to see you here.

You will need to expose and others who have had to consider D will be along shortly to discuss the time frame of that. Since your H has already tried to wreck you financially but is complying with your financial requests ATM you may to take that into consideration.

Can you give an update on what was decided upon with the lawyer and what your WH signed and agreed to?

Thank you

I have told our friends and family in common (some of them) what he has done. I went on the defensive when he painted himself out to be the victim and spun a story that when I kicked him out he was so desperate for affection he went on dating sites and only went on one date w/the preg gf (all proven to be lies). When I found out about the preg. gf three weeks ago I had immediately began contacting her. He states that she no longer wants anything to do with him. But I was able to see via phone records that they are still in contact.

He is complying with most requests at this time. He signed over full legal and physical custody to me w/ every other weekend visits to him. He agreed to $500 a month in child support (but claims that is way too much), to pay off all debt that he accrued in exchange for not having to pay back the money he stole. He paid $5,000 of the tax money that he took. He agreed to this on the basis that I would no longer contact the preg. gf and "stress her out in her condition".

Attorney is telling me that the biggest deal was getting him to sign off on custody to me, that I can always go back and get more child support at any time and that is much easier to have adjusted than custody.

He went out and bought a brand new car last weekend. I assume to be able to see the gf since she lives a couple of hours away.

I have always been in contact with him, but I'm hearing from friends that shouldn't be the case. His family picks up the boys from school for me daily, they have them from 3-5 till I am off work, so I have to either see them or him mon-fri for the exchange.

Here is some reading for you tonight, most posters won't be back until tomorrow:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

Don't do anything yet though! Just hang tight and we can come up with a solid plans once some folks who are more familiar with the D process come along....

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

and

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566139#Post2566139

Some more info for you to hopefully speed things along...

In your case divorce would be a good choice.
Dr Harley would probably encourage you to Plan B, which means having no contact with him during divorce process and even after divorce.

Hi itsahotmess, welcome to Marriage Builders. I agree that divorce would be the definition of success in your situation. Your husband is committed to a way of life that will always include affairs. He seeks them out. This makes him a dangerous person to you.

I think you are doing the right thing in getting divorced, but I would take it a step farther and cut off all contact with him. Staying in contact with him will keep you depressed and sad.

We understand you want the marriage you thought you were in.

Your H has met a couple of your most important emotional needs.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

You will feel sad for a while as you heal from the betrayals.

Welcome to MB, hotmess.

You said you do not want a divorce but I would proceed. Your WH is a trainwreck. You need to get yourself and your boys out of this situation while he is cooperating.

I assume the $500/mo child support is below the state guidelines. Assuming you are in CA, you can request to increase at anytime so I agree with your lawyer that it is best to focus on getting a solid custody arrangement that is in your favor. I would strongly suggest you add a morals clause if you don't have one and include that when WH has the boys that he can not have overnight female guests (other than family). You don't need your boys seeing random skanks come in and out the door. Even if you get this condition for one or two yrs it is better than nothing. You can use the one/two yr timeframe as allowing time for the boys to adjust to the divorce. Any other concerns while he is in possession of your boys should be addressed too...watching R-rated movies, M-rated video games etc.

Since WH could move to be close to the pregger ho, make sure that he is to pickup and return the boys to you. Do not put yourself in a position where you have to drive back and forth. Put the burden on him.

Do you own a home together? That he has gone and bought a car, blown $ and is willing to take on all the debt, I would not be surprised if he plans to file bankrupcty.

That he wants the divorce ASAP and for you to not bother pregger ho...use that as your leverage if you need to add anymore protections into the divorce settlement.

Thank you all for the responses.

What do you all think about doing the exposure? He is spinning this story to all friends and family that he is the victim in all of this. It's infuriating to me. Even more infuriating he is spinning the same version to the kids. The kids are hurting. He took them out for ice cream and told them his version - "just went on one date with the girl, it didn't mean anything, the girl helps people have babies for a living, mommmy doesn't want daddy back so it's all mommy's fault".

Additionally, I'm concerned if his preg. gf is actually a surrogate there is a couple out there who has a baby that is at risk. My WH admitted to having unprotected sex with her on more than one occasion. I have the hotel bills from them shacking up as well.

The $500/mo child support is WAY below the CA state standard, but that was part of the bargaining the attorney told me to use. I was assured that as soon as the divorce is final I can immediately go in and request more. I can barely keep my boys and I afloat on that. I made sure to include that he cannot remove them from the county w/out written permission and he is responsible for drop off and pick up on his weekends. I do need to add a more detailed morality clause, there is not much language in there about introducing the boys to the gf or any future gf's.

We never owned a home together. He moved out of the apartment that we rented. I discovered he took out a loan on 2/1/14 and swears he is using that money to pay off all debt that he accrued behind my back and that I am not financially liable for that loan. However, with the spending he has been doing (2 new cell phones, new tablet, new car, etc) I don't see how that is possible. He does have no rent to pay at the moment since he is living off his grandparents.

Any advice on how to cut off communication? He and I have always been in daily contact after the separation and even now after all this information came to light and the divorce has been filed. Every time I communicate with him regarding the kids I feel more and more upset. Prior to getting caught it was all "i love yous" and lots of friendly back and forth, as though we were working things out. Now that he has been caught he goes out of his way to be hurtful during communications.

At this point, I would not expose without first consulting your attorney.
You want that custody agreement to be signed and sealed!

Focus on getting custody and a good settlement.
I wouldnt do anything to rock the affair boat if it would negatively affect the custody

I wouldn't let your kids believe this. Tell them the truth about his affairs, and let them know that it is not okay for married people to go on dates with anyone besides each other. The idea that this is somehow okay because he "just went on one date with the girl," as if that's something normal married people actually do, is ridiculous - and a horrendous thing to tell your own child. They deserve to hear a sane perspective from the only decent parent they've got.

I would tell the rest of the family as well - you need support. Some will choose not to support you, but you should get the truth out there.

if daily communication is upsetting you then Dr. Harley would recommend that you enter "Plan B," in which there is no contact except through a neutral intermediary (IM).

Harley would encourage you to be honest with your kids and certainly your family. But I wouldnt expose to the OW side because waywards will give up more in a divorce to be with the affair partner. If he lost that, he may decide he wants custody and you dont want that.

That is my concern. If I go nuclear and lose my leverage and he may try to fight me for custody. He did already sign off on full custody to me, but I'm terrified until it is signed and stamped and completely final.

Is the best bet to remain tight lipped until after the D process is final? It seems so unfair, but I know I have to be smart about all of this.

How do I go about choosing an IM? I hate to burden anyone with something like that but at this point, for my own sanity it sounds like the best idea.

x 2

I would not expose until your divorce papers are signed and sealed. How long ago did you file? I'm pretty sure CA is one of those states where you can still enter the decree even if the minimum time has not lapsed and then just wait for the "official" date. If you only have to deal with him short term you may just want to tough it out and limit your contact as much as possible. There's no reason to talk to him every day but I would not go into Plan B just yet if him signing is just around the corner.

This was the advice I have been giving her. It's very hard for hotmess to wait right now because he is spreading vicious rumors about her behind her back and spinning the story (not that this is shocking).

hotmess ~ did the attorney give you an idea of how long before the D is final?

I would not believe this story for a min. Worry about your kiddos...they are the priority.

I filed a few weeks ago. I was told the mandatory 6 mo waiting period begins from the day he was served (2/12/14). So the absolute soonest that the divorce can be finalized is 8/12/14.

Looks like the fastest it can possibly be final is mid-august.

Gotcha. I just looked up CA law. You can still get the divorce judgement approved before the six months is up. That would be the main thing. After that, you will just be waiting until it is official and final.

Great news! I assume her attorney will take care of this, or is there anything hotmess needs to do to speed this up?

What money did WH steal? The $5k of tax money is repayment in full?

Hotmess has your attorney given you any advice on legal action you can take against WH to recoup at least half of the 15K he stole?

she said take what ever he will offer to repay at this point. He only offered $5,000. He drained everything from the bank account. Had me paying all bills 100% (including credit cards i didn't know were being used, hotel bills, phone bills, etc...) He even took me to dinner for my birthday two months ago ON MY OWN DIME. He acted as though he was paying for things when he wasn't. It was all coming out of what was supposed to be "our" joint account. In reality he had pulled his direct deposit out long ago and was transferring portions of my direct deposit into his secret account. That is also where he hid the tax return. When I found out I was able to view the records going back over a year. I paid for trips I didn't know about, porn, gambling, his online dating accounts, you name it.

The attorney stated since he doesn't own anything (like a home) to collect on it's pointless to sue him. I always could sue him for the losses but collecting could prove difficult since he will already be garnished for the child support.

I think you should follow the attorneys advice.
The custody is what's important

I agree. I'd put all my energy into the custody agreement.

You might benefit from a "secret IM". WH would send emails to you, which unbeknownst to him would route through the secret IM. The IM would filter out the garbage and pass the rest on. You would then respond to WH yourself.

WH would never know he was being filtered, only that you fail to respond to his attempts at hurting you. Your case for custody is intact, and you're protected.

You need to be protected.

Great idea! Thanks Neak.

I've been a secret IM and a regular IM. Being a regular IM is less complicated, and best for most cases. A secret IM works well enough for the rest, such as when a judge has ordered contact or it strongly benefits the BS.

She's had no court order or anything, mostly we are worried about p*ssing him off and him withholding money that she desperately needs. Thoughts?

I'd like to do this the easiest way since I will be her IM so any help/advice would be great.

Dont upset him.
But Harley would advise plan B if her mental health is in risk

I would count this under "strongly benefits the BS".

Most BS's would lean toward a secret IM system just cause they're chicken and don't want to upset their WS. Totally not the case here. Custody of the kids is a strategic goal that will be much easier to achieve if the waters are ruffled the least amount possible...until it's settled in court. Then let the hurricanes begin.

He's already signed over custody but I am not familiar enough with D to know what that means...is it iron-clad? Does it have to be recorded or anything or his John Hancock on a single document enough? Can he recant it later?

She is not quite ready to go into Plan B yet but she is preparing...she needs to figure out a way for her WH to contact her kids (either a landline or a cell phone), etc. She is working on taking herself out of the mix entirely so she does not have to have any C with him at all.

Should she warn him that she is doing this with a pseudo Plan B letter? (I say pseudo because she does not want to recover the M so it would not be a typical PBL ~ more along the lines of "being in contact with you is too painful and so Miss MF is going to pass all info between us, you have hurt me enough, please comply with my wishes to minimize the pain you have caused me by not contacting me directly". Whether or not this will work, we are unsure. But considering that he has about 95% checked out of the M, including the children, we are hopeful.

I don't know enough about legal matters to know when it becomes ironclad. I wouldn't rock the boat till I was sure. Once an atty tells her she's good, the letter you suggested sounds great.

Do the letter After she has full legal custody and when her attorney says to.
I did it the day of divorce!

hotmess, can you let us know when you think it's safe to send the letter and go NC with your WH? As soon as you feel it's safe we will do this.

The sooner the better for your own sanity but not until you have everything in writing that you want/need. We don't want him going batsh*t crazy before then and withholding money or further screwing you over.

Thank you Neak and Jedi!

I am confused. If she has no Orders, then what makes her think she has custody? What was signed regarding custody of the children?

That sounds like a brilliant idea. I had a set back with him yesterday. He pulled a stunt and then called and I made the mistake of answering. Fell right back into the emotional wreck that I have been trying to not be.

That's why Dr. Harley encourages no contact in such cases.
Do you have someone that can read emails for you?

Also, please answer the question above; are there any court orders about who has custody?

I filed the divorce and had him served. We met at the notary office and he signed off on an FL-180, which includes the full legal and physical custody to me. It has been filed with the court. I am waiting to hear back from the attorney today. I don't know how solid that agreement is. I'm sure until the judge finalizes the divorce he can likely turn around and change his mind. But he did sign over custody on a legal document that was notarized and now it's in the courts hands. I'm not really sure where things go from here w/ the process. I am told I still have to wait 6 mo from the date he was served. Until then, I'm trying to figure out how to keep my sanity while still playing nice with him. He's sinking to lower and lower tactics to try and upset me.

He also agreed to let the divorce go in to default by not filing a response. He is just desperate to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible so that he can get to the new family he has. Fine with me at this point, but in the mean time I have to figure out the best course of action to maintain his cooperation and not lose my mind with all the games he is playing

I'm working on getting things set up today, I'm lucky enough that I have someone to offer to be an IM for me. Creating a new email account for that purpose only. Any other ideas on what I should do to have a solid plan?

Are you going to go with the secret IM or let him know flat-out that he is not to contact you and all contact should go through me?

There are pros and cons to both sides....what are you most comfortable with?

I'm thinking the secret IM thing? Might be the best option so that he can't use the "she won't communicate with me about my kids" line against me. What do you think?

Yes, I agree.
You need to ask your attorney about the document he signed.

I feel he doesn't need to know whether it is secret or not.

When you and your IM create the new e-mail address, all he needs to know is that you will only respond to pertinent child related issues or any required financial matters still needing to be resolved or any other non-personal related issues that you deem require to be addressed.

Make sure to close off any other avenues of contact though, such as your primary e-mail address, cell phone number, home number, etc...

LTL

Hopefully he will not respond and you can be done...then let the six month clock run out.

thank you all so much for the awesome advice. i much appreciate it all.