Have you seen this?
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook.

I just emailed my question/history to Joyce. I hope that I get a response. Thank you to all of you for suggesting that I do this...DJ

I did get a response and was asked to consider being a caller. I've kind of been on the fence and not sure about it at this point so I haven't called to speak with Joyce or whoever takes those calls.

I've been on the show twice. Go ahead and give her a call back. You will speak to Joyce directly. You're not committed to anything at that point and she is very knowledgeable and friendly. You won't regret talking to Dr Harley directly. You don't even have to use your real name if you don't want to.

My independent behavior is still there.

Then we talk about the problems we are having and my wife has a lot of anger that needs to come out.

I've been on the show twice. Go ahead and give her a call back. You will speak to Joyce directly. You're not committed to anything at that point and she is very knowledgeable and friendly. You won't regret talking to Dr Harley directly. You don't even have to use your real name if you don't want to.

Graceful, there are some things that I've done independently that have really hurt my wife. I was raised similar to your husband as well; to be independent. I now realize the difficulty that I've caused and the trust that I've eroded over the years. My wife has asked me to talk to her about the things that I've done. Being open about these things is part of the repentance process and I'm really struggling with what to say. We've talked about each "event" to the point where I understand what I've done and I've apologized profusely but she still needs me to talk about these things I've told her that I'm not really sure what more I can say and that never goes over well. Can you shed any insight into what it is that she's looking for from me? I really am stuck and not sure how to move forward.

The correct way for your husband to respond to your complaint is to express an understanding of the problem, apologize for his role in the problem, and then introduce a proactive plan to solve the problem in the future. While discussion of that plan may include information as to what motivates him to do something that bothers you, it should be in the context of a solution, and not as a defense.

So with these tactics in mind, lets imagine a conflict, and how both of you should and shouldn't respond.

Your husband is watching TV and the children are running around the house screaming. He orders the children to play outside. You are upset that he didn't discuss the problem of the children's behavior with you before he made his pronouncement.

He violated the POJA by making a decision that didn't take your feelings into account. Most arguments in marriage are initiated by such independent behavior, and I'm certain that your arguments are no exception.

So you want to bring to his attention the fact that he did something that bothered you. From the Marriage Builders point of view, he made a Love Bank withdrawal.

The correct way for you to introduce the problem is to express it in cause-effect terms. He ordered the children out of the house without your enthusiastic agreement, and the effect of that order was for you to feel bad.

"Ordering the children out of the house made me feel bad," is probably the most straightforward way to express your complaint without being demanding, disrespectful or angry.

Once the problem is introduced, the ball is in your husband's court, and he should practice the correct response whenever you have a complaint. First, he should acknowledge your complaint, apologize for doing something that made you feel bad, and inquire as to why it would have made you feel bad.

"I can understand why you would be upset with me. I didn't ask you how you'd feel about my solution to the problem. Next time, I'll try to remember to ask you how you'd feel about a decision before I implement it. And I won't do anything until we agree enthusiastically."

If he can't honestly make that statement because he really can't understand why you would have been upset, he should continue to ask you sincere questions to help him come to that understanding. And that's where any defensive reaction on his part would ruin everything.

Granted, that response may seem unnatural to you right now, but with practice, it will become second nature to both of you. And this approach to the problems you face will communicate your care for each other.

So in summary, when your husband does something that bothers you, you should tell him that what he did bothered you, without being demanding, disrespectful or angry. Then, he should apologize, express his understanding of your reaction, and offer to avoid that mistake in the future.

What should your husband do the next time the children are running and screaming? He knows what he shouldn't do, order them out of the house, because that would bother you. But what should he do. That's a decision that both of you should make together. And since that exact situation is likely to repeat itself many times in the future, there's no time like the present to decide how to handle it.

In the beginning of this post, I said there were two general steps in marital problem-solving. The first is to introduce the problem without demands, disrespect, or anger. And the second is to address the problem with mutual respect and creativity, solving it with enthusiastic agreement.

I'm sure that you have a host of unsolved problems to address, and sometimes the sheer number of them can lead to feeling overwhelmed. But each problem that you tackle the right way is one less cause of Love Bank withdrawals. So when a complaint is made, after the expression of understanding and the apology, get right to work searching for a solution that will deal effectively with the problem when it comes up again in the future