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And in looking at the revised list of Extraordinary Precautions, I have done 100% of them. That is great! That is the first step. The NEXT steps are to create a new marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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SH, another great resource is the free MB radio program. It is an excellent resource for understanding how the program works. They have a daily show during the week and they replay it for 24 hours until the next show.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Not being over-sensitive but I thought this was a forum for those who did the wrong as well as those wronged. Sorry.... It is very much for you too!! I am glad you are here! We can help you turn this around.  My suggestion would be to get one SAA for now, read it and then sell the program to him. The workbook comes separately. I think it costs about $11. It has all the worksheets in it. You can get the worksheets free here, but the nice thing about the workbook is that it has lessons and instructions in it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you - ML - you've been the kindest responder - so I appreciate you very much. I couldn't find the workbook in the 'Books' section though. Does it have a different title? I looked up Surviving an Affair and it says its a hardcover for 14.99. I'll get the workbook too but can't locate it? Thanks again.
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Here you go! http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6090_step.htmlHere is an summary of what recovery would look like and it looks like you have done a lot of this already so you are halfway there. So, the next steps for you would be to implement the basic concepts: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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SH51,
Have you been tested for STDs, there is no telling how many partners your OM had, perhaps that's one of the things bothering your BH.
Has your BH confronted the OM, and how widely was the OM exposed? Has there been a downside for OM or did he walk off without a scratch?
God Bless
Gamma
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Yes I've been tested. I initiated it then told my husband that I had. My husband confronted the OM only by email. And yes, there was a separation on his end then a reconciliation. He sent a No Contact letter to me so I believe he and his wife went thru similar steps as on this site.
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Have you changed all your contact information? Did you read the just compensation link I posted to you?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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It sounds to me like you did the 'ending' of the affair and 'protecting' from another...
But that still leaves the creation of a new and more romantic marriage to be completed.
A BS who has forgiven really deserves to have a more terrific marraige than they ever had before.
Dr Harley said that when he first started counselling affair-hit couples he expected they would limp along in a crippled state forever. He was stunned when his methods led people to thrive in better marriages. He had thought who could get over something like that?
Your H believes this too, but you can start making lovebank deposits in a bid to motivate him.
It's love that motivates us to do anything and his lovebank will have taken a serious knock.
What are his top needs? Do you think he would come here and speak to other BH's to see how possible it is to recover?
Why not send him a link to this thread and say you hope to make him happier every passing day?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Do you still talk about the affair? I know that kept me (BS) stuck in the past and made it hard for me to recover.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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SH,
Have you provided your BH with radical honesty, RH, that is where you tell him everything that happened?
For example have you had prior affairs you are still hiding, or did you minimize the sexual details when he asked.
There may have been a time period when your BH asked you many questions, which you did not answer completely truthfully, this is know as trickle truth. The problem with trickle truth is that your spouse stops trusting you and gives up.
God Bless
Gamma
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Thank you, IG - those are good suggestions. PF - No, I don't - but whenever we talk serious (as in I'll bring up how unhappy he seems) he'll bring it up and say he's having a hard time getting past it. I just tell him that I love him and that I'll do whatever he needs me to do to prove it. He'll say 'it's not you, you're doing everything you can - it's me'. So I think I'll just try harder - until he feels more loved....
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PF - No, I don't - but whenever we talk serious (as in I'll bring up how unhappy he seems) he'll bring it up and say he's having a hard time getting past it. Exactly what I used to do. Once I found MB, I learned to stop talking about it and focus on the present. I wish he would come here to post. I know that you cannot tell him that yourself. It would have seriously rubbed me the wrong way if my own FWH had told me to stop thinking and talking about it. I needed to hear it from other BS's who had recovered.
Last edited by pokerface; 03/19/14 03:30 PM.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Did you read this? Listen to the clips? What did you think?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I've been at work and writing these on my breaks. I can't listen until I'm home. Thank you, though and I will.
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I've been at work and writing these on my breaks. I can't listen until I'm home. Thank you, though and I will. Fantastic. I've posted many radio clips from Dr. Harley on that thread. Let us know what you think after you listen.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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SH, and it could also be that he is in the HABIT of thinking and speaking about it. We can help him with that. It is a terrible habit that some BS's get into and it keeps us mired in tragedy. But more importantly, if you really focus on falling back in love, he will think about it less and less as time goes on. The FASTEST way to move your relationship forward is via the policy of undivided attention. That is the KEY to dragging your marriage into a new realm. check this out: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I just tell him that I love him and that I'll do whatever he needs me to do to prove it. He'll say 'it's not you, you're doing everything you can - it's me'. So I think I'll just try harder - until he feels more loved.... BH here. Sounds like your DH is struggling with the same stuff I was. When I said that to my wife what I really meant is that "I don't know what you can do for me, maybe there is something, maybe there isn't...but I'm going nuts right now and don't want to try and figure it out anymore." I was/am a heavy drinker as well, probably an alcoholic. My experience was that alcohol made the mind movies worse but dreams better so it was a wash for me. But the mind movies were not what was killing me. It was the hour commute each way to/from work that was killing me. 10 hours a week of obsessive thought which ruined any chance of a good mood twice a day. So I got on an anti-depressant and started to listen to MB radio on my commutes. It really made a huge difference. The problem is you are not in the best position to tell him this stuff, it can seem self serving....but....you have been in limbo so long and he is so obviously struggling, maybe he would take a gentle suggestion to check out this forum. And FWIW, in my case, the return to intimacy was hit and miss. There were times I would have the mind movies and fail to perform, which would be ahuge shot to my ego. Then there would be times that I could press on which would be a huge boost. Your DH may not want to take the risk. The problem for him is he is in withdrawal. There's going to be conflict before intamacy. It's in the rules. Only the work of my FWW got me through that. Our return to SF (TMI warning): 1. she stopped masterbating greatly increasing her sexual desire which I could feel. 2. SHE started SF everytime VERY slowly (at first just petting) using ONLY techniques that I knew she didn't share with OM. This was HUGE! 3. She made it about me, even though I knew she was aroused as well. Of course that was just the start. Now it's much more of a 50/50 thing.
Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
Married: Valentine's Day 1998
DD-15/ DS-10
Almost recovered and ahead of schedule
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