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I agree an affair is vindictive didn't think of it that way

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Originally Posted by Outdoorsman
In my initial post I said that I am not sure what I want as of yet. Trying to get things sorted out. I don't know that I can ever trust her again if we were to try and get back together

That is all fine. You may decide at some point you don't want to save your marriage and that is your choice entirely. You don't have to make a decision today. But you won't have a vote AT ALL if you don't bust up this affair. If you don't do that, then your kids will be calling this punk "daddy" in the future. Hopefully, you can prevent that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Outdoorsman
I agree an affair is vindictive didn't think of it that way

Just think how many people are harmed? You, your innocent children, your other family members. Adultery is as traumatic as rape or physical assault. It is about the worst thing that can happen to a person. Her affair will WRECK your children's lives.

That is pretty darn vindictive if you ask me!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Outdoorsman
I agree an affair is vindictive didn't think of it that way
We know of posters who've said an affair was the most painful experience they've ever experienced.

Dr. Harley has counseled women who've been raped and their husband's affair was far more painful.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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When your children grow up and find out that this punk destroyed their family, they may feel the affair was a little "vindictive." Especially if the OM replaces YOU.

See, your wife's goal is to REPLACE you with the OM. Do you want to cooperate with that plan? Do you want him to be step daddy to your children? Because that is where she is taking your family right now.

THAT is where this is headed unless you put a stop to it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You want to be Mr Nice Guy while the OM assaults your marriage and your children's family? Be assured he is not playing nice with you. Playing nice is tantamount to bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight; you will only get your [censored] shot off. And in this case, your children will pay the price for your complacence.

You think he will be nice to your kids when you are removed from the scene? Think again. The risk that your children will be molested or beaten is great when the father is out of the home and some loser takes his place.

Your kids need you to step up here and run this jerk off. Instead of worrying about your wife's "anger" please worry about their FAMILY and their safety.

YOU ARE ALL THEY HAVE!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It is not vindictive to speak the truth to people.

The truth is what it is. Facts about reality.

Affairs are built on secrets and lies.

You, as the man of the house, do not need to guard the secret/lies.

You can, and as a matter of fact, should let the truth be known (exposure).


Children also can deal with the truth. Otherwise, what they think is going on is wayyyyyy worse. They are trying to make sense of what is happening in their family and in their world.

Let them know that their mother is dating another man. Let them know who he is. Tell your children you will do all you can to be their rock to lean on.

Yes, it hurts to have to deal with this. You never wished it for your kids.

Your wife is the one who created this mess though and you must simply be strong enough to handle telling others about the truth. Know that some people, your wife FOR SURE.....will get angry with you for doing it.

It still needs to be done.

It IS the right thing to do in the situation.

All of us here have HAD to DO it ourselves. We know how scary it is.

I don't think one of us here regrets being brave enough to actually having done it.

Even though we have faced vile reactions from waywards after doing it.


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Also, here you go.
Exposing to the Children


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I want to talk to my lawyer before I go and send messages to all the Facebook people. Don't want to hurt my rights by doing that too quickly. Appt with lawyer is Monday afternoon

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Also agree that kids should know that mom is seeing someone else and is not willing to talk with me because of it. Do we need to do it with wife ? What if she won't agree to do I tell her I will tell them myself?

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Originally Posted by Outdoorsman
Also agree that kids should know that mom is seeing someone else and is not willing to talk with me because of it. Do we need to do it with wife ? What if she won't agree to do I tell her I will tell them myself?
You should tell your kids by yourself. She will try and spin it about other things and say you're crazy.

Also, the lawyer will not want to try and save your marriage and most likely will tell you not to expose. Most divorce lawyers are lazy and will want to do what's easy for them. They will push for an "amicable" divorce.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Outdoorsman
I want to talk to my lawyer before I go and send messages to all the Facebook people. Don't want to hurt my rights by doing that too quickly. Appt with lawyer is Monday afternoon
Also, no one said to send it to all her and OM's Facebook lists. You want to hit the important targets (like the Exposure 101 thread states).

Your parents and children, your siblings. WW's parents and siblings, any married friends. OM's wife or girlfriend, parents and siblings.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You don't tell the kids with her.

You don't tell her you are going to tell them.

You just tell them without her involved.








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Also, please read this. "I Encourage BH's to Confront OM" Dr. Harley


After you expose.

He's a 20 year old little punk and you should tell him to stay away from your WW. He'll probably duck tail and run.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Outdoorsman
I want to talk to my lawyer before I go and send messages to all the Facebook people. Don't want to hurt my rights by doing that too quickly. Appt with lawyer is Monday afternoon

Your lawyer is going to tell you to not do it because he won't get paid if you don't go to divorce. He doesn't care about your marriage; he cares about getting paid.

Telling the truth has never been against the law nor hurt anyone in a court of law.

Do you want to save your marriage or not? You sure as hell aren't acting like it.

Last edited by Viper; 03/22/14 07:52 PM.

Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

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Originally Posted by Outdoorsman
I want to talk to my lawyer before I go and send messages to all the Facebook people. Don't want to hurt my rights by doing that too quickly. Appt with lawyer is Monday afternoon

Then you are dead in the water right now and should just give up. A lawyer is not interested in saving your marriage. He is only interested in facilitating the easiest, most amicable divorce possible. He will tell you to do nothing other than "make friends" with the OM to make this all very easy.

His goal is get you divorced; ours is to save your marriage.

You need to just give up now and move out and let your wife replace you because you are dead in the water.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Outdoorsman
I want to talk to my lawyer before I go and send messages to all the Facebook people. Don't want to hurt my rights by doing that too quickly. Appt with lawyer is Monday afternoon


The advice we are giving you to expose is given by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. THOUSANDS of us have used this advice to save our marriages:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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When you get serious about saving your marriage, come back and we can help you. You have been given all the necessary tools to give you the best chance at saving it.

Now it is up to you to use them. Use them or don't use them, it is all the same to me.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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First off, I want to commend you for actually reaching out and asking for advice. For every one of you there are 50 guys out there reading that are too nervous, too proud or thinking they are too smart to actually dip their toes into this fire. You see, there are a lot of guys like you and me who are very slow, thoughtful and deliberate to act. We like to think things through FIRST. This is one of those times in life where slow to act will end up really hurting you. Other guys this comes more naturally too and they'd be kicking butt long before they would ever google "how can I get my wife to stop dating other men". Further, adultery is abusive. She's been beaten you down with this stuff for years and it's no wonder you are scared to take any definitive action. The problem is you are focusing on her reactions versus YOUR actions. You see...it took me awhile too way back in 2005 to figure out that I MATTERED TOO. Do you hear that. YOU MATTER. She can get mad all she wants because you putting your foot down is not telling your wife what she has to do. It's not controlling her. The cage door is open. You aren't her keeper and she is free to leave anytime she wants (without the children). Rather you are merely informing her (as calmly and rationally as you can without anger) what YOU will accept in YOUR life. BECAUSE...YOU MATTER TOO.

I personally think it's great there are only 300 people in your town. That's 300 people that should know your wife has cheated on you twice and that, IF you take her back, YOU are a saint for doing so. That's 300 people in town that will have your back. They'll keep an eye on her in the future and certainly the women will all be sure to keep their kids and husband's away from her. Maybe ... just maybe...you wife can finally hit rock bottom here and get it through her head that this behavior is juvenile and unacceptable....OR NOT. If she doesn't, you'll have a very quick answer to YOUR question "Should I bother even trying to save this marriage?".

The posters here are great. Melody Lane was instrumental in saving my marriage NINE years ago. My wife and her are actually super close friends now. Have been for years. We've even vacationed with Melody Lane and her husband. I understand you wanting to think things through but time really is of the essence here. One of the big reasons time is really important here is YOU are days away from hating this woman forever. Truly, your wife has got a small window of time to wake her butt up here and start working with you to save your family. She'll only do that AFTER her affair is over. You can't talk rationally to an active wife. Just as you said, if you give her an ultimatum...she'll choose OM so why bother. Fight the affair FIRST. Get on this exposure wagon ASAP. It's the best chance you've got. You should have done it the first time she cheated. Do it quickly and without consulting your wayward wife (threatening exposure only forewarns them and they will preempt you by running around town telling everyone you've lost your mind and your abusive and your X,Y and Z). Tell the kids in an age appropriate manner. Bust up the affair as fast as you can and THEN we'll help you evaluate the fallout.

And carry that recorder in your pocket so you can cover your butt if she decides it's time to play dirty.

Godspeed,

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - The beauty of taking bold and strong actions (not vindictive) is that in a short while YOU will begin to feel more confident. This is attractive behavior and will assist you rebuilding your self-confidence (because YOU MATTER TOO). Worst case...you end up divorced HOWEVER you will end up divorced KNOWING you stood up for yourself and took the bull by the horns and tactically fought for your family. I've got just as many divorced friends from MB as recovered friends. They are much more healthy and UN-regretful having undertaken this MB process than others I know that didn't. In other words, do what Melody Lane and everyone else is telling you and you will either save your marriage (truly save it whereupon you and your wife will be in love again versus just enduring your wife's behavior and thinking things are just OK) OR you'll end up happily divorced from an unrepentant woman (formerly known as your wife). Let us guide you to the finish line God has in store for you.

p.p.s. - If you just have to talk to a lawyer first...please take note of the fact that I am one. grin

Last edited by MrWondering; 03/22/14 09:27 PM.

FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

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Originally Posted by MrWondering
First off, I want to commend you for actually reaching out and asking for advice. For every one of you there are 50 guys out there reading that are too nervous, too proud or thinking they are too smart to actually dip their toes into this fire. You see, there are a lot of guys like you and me who are very slow, thoughtful and deliberate to act. We like to think things through FIRST. This is one of those times in life where slow to act will end up really hurting you. Other guys this comes more naturally too and they'd be kicking butt long before they would ever google "how can I get my wife to stop dating other men". Further, adultery is abusive. She's been beaten you down with this stuff for years and it's no wonder you are scared to take any definitive action. The problem is you are focusing on her reactions versus YOUR actions. You see...it took me awhile too way back in 2005 to figure out that I MATTERED TOO. Do you hear that. YOU MATTER. She can get mad all she wants because you putting your foot down is not telling your wife what she has to do. It's not controlling her. The cage door is open. You aren't her keeper and she is free to leave anytime she wants (without the children). Rather you are merely informing her (as calmly and rationally as you can without anger) what YOU will accept in YOUR life. BECAUSE...YOU MATTER TOO.

I personally think it's great there are only 300 people in your town. That's 300 people that should know your wife has cheated on you twice and that, IF you take her back, YOU are a saint for doing so. That's 300 people in town that will have your back. They'll keep an eye on her in the future and certainly the women will all be sure to keep their kids and husband's away from her. Maybe ... just maybe...you wife can finally hit rock bottom here and get it through her head that this behavior is juvenile and unacceptable....OR NOT. If she doesn't, you'll have a very quick answer to YOUR question "Should I bother even trying to save this marriage?".

The posters here are great. Melody Lane was instrumental in saving my marriage NINE years ago. My wife and her are actually super close friends now. Have been for years. We've even vacationed with Melody Lane and her husband. I understand you wanting to think things through but time really is of the essence here. One of the big reasons time is really important here is YOU are days away from hating this woman forever. Truly, your wife has got a small window of time to wake her butt up here and start working with you to save your family. She'll only do that AFTER her affair is over. You can't talk rationally to an active wife. Just as you said, if you give her an ultimatum...she'll choose OM so why bother. Fight the affair FIRST. Get on this exposure wagon ASAP. It's the best chance you've got. You should have done it the first time she cheated. Do it quickly and without consulting your wayward wife (threatening exposure only forewarns them and they will preempt you by running around town telling everyone you've lost your mind and your abusive and your X,Y and Z). Tell the kids in an age appropriate manner. Bust up the affair as fast as you can and THEN we'll help you evaluate the fallout.

And carry that recorder in your pocket so you can cover your butt if she decides it's time to play dirty.

Godspeed,

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - The beauty of taking bold and strong actions (not vindictive) is that in a short while YOU will begin to feel more confident. This is attractive behavior and will assist you rebuilding your self-confidence (because YOU MATTER TOO). Worst case...you end up divorced HOWEVER you will end up divorced KNOWING you stood up for yourself and took the bull by the horns and tactically fought for your family. I've got just as many divorced friends from MB as recovered friends. They are much more healthy and UN-regretful having undertaken this MB process than others I know that didn't. In other words, do what Melody Lane and everyone else is telling you and you will either save your marriage (truly save it whereupon you and your wife will be in love again versus just enduring your wife's behavior and thinking things are just OK) OR you'll end up happily divorced from an unrepentant woman (formerly known as your wife). Let us guide you to the finish line God has in store for you.

p.p.s. - If you just have to talk to a lawyer first...please take note of the fact that I am one. grin

Great post, Mr. W. Hope our outdoorsman takes it to heart.

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