It is premature to worry about restoring trust, but the simple truth is that if you follow the plan here, in about two years you will trust your wife again. You really should not, as spouses in marriage need to look out for each other and should never be blinded by trust. However, once your marriage has recovered you will feel like trusting her again.

The affair is exposed to most parties involved. Om family her family and mine. Also some of our friends. She continues to talk with him and is not seeing that she needs to cut ties with him to be able to make decisions based on her own thoughts. I think she feels that so much damage has happened that it is to far gone and not salvageable. She doesn't want to talk with me because she feels I am telling her what to do. I am giving her the same advice I would a friend if they were in the same situation. I think she wants to continue talking with him because she feels he is the only one that knows what she wants. When I talked with her at one moment she wants to b done (when she was mad about what I was saying). And the next she isn't sure(after we told the kids we were separating)

Separating???

Is she moving out? Please don't agree to leaving your own home or taking turns sharing the home. She want's out or want's space...she's free to go.


You've probably had a hellish weekend. Hope you can concentrate at work. Hopefully your exposure on OM's side takes root. One reason for a wide exposure is you never know who the perfect person (angel) is. The person that is knowledgeable about affairs and has enough influence over OM (or your wife) to get them to end it. My wife's affair 9 years ago ended after exposure and OM breaking off the affair out of the blue.

BTW...you talk to her to meet her needs for conversation right now and not to try to logic her back to her senses. She's full blown wayward right now and isn't thinking straight. You may as well be talking to a 13 year girl and trying to convince her she doesn't need a cell phone.

Godspeed,

Mr. W

You are making serious strategic mistakes that will be very hard to overcome. First off, you have not exposed the affair. That is the greatest weapon against an affair.

And secondly, you are separating? Why? Are you moving out? Separating only increases the risk of divorce and makes it much harder to save your marriage.

This marriage is very salvageable if you will only put aside your own inexperience and your misleading emotions and follow a strategic plan..

We can't help you unless you follow the advice, outdoorsman.

Were your children told about the affair or were they lied to in order to accommodate her affair?

She has agreed tO end the affair this morning and I told her I want proof that it was done. We will work together to see where life takes us from here. I told her that we need to tell the kids there is another person involved.

Good! Please do not accept anything less than her writing a no contact letter BY HAND and giving it to YOU to take to the post office and mail (signature receipt is best so that you know that he got it).

Also, total transparency must begin this instant. She needs to change her cell phone number today. Do you have the password for her cell phone account? Can you access it online? I suggest that you install a GPS tracker on her phone.

Now is a vital time Outdoorsman, because with no contact she is going to be depressed for a while until the fog clears. Now you must learn to snoop and monitor very well.

Like i said, let us know when you get serious and we can help you save your marriage. So far, you have made many strategic mistakes and you will reach a point of no return where nothing will help. The longer you wait the harder it will be to save your marriage.

If the affair is "over" then why the "separation?" Let me guess, to get "space?"

This. You must understand she will say anything to pacify you and continue her affair, this is known as gaslighting. You cannot take her at her word as she is like an addict who will lie and do anything to keep her affair going and keep the feeling going that she gets from the affair. I know its hard to imagine but your anything out of your WW's mouth cannot be trusted.

Also, you need to discreetly snoop and verify No Contact not let her prove it to you. She iwll lie and take the A deeper underground.

You need to sit your children down and explin to them what is going on alone so she cant spin or minimize her actions. You should show them a picture of the OM and explain to them he and your WW are trying to bust up your family. Doing so will ensure they don't accept him and notify you anytime he comes around.

Also, expect at least 1 relapse of No Contact being broken. You don't believe it now but your WW is completely out of her mind and not thinking clearly. The next couple of weeks are going to be worse than you can imaging.

My baby sister's H had an affair years ago and I sent her HERE and told her to follow EVERY SINGLE STEP of advice that vets like MelodyLane and Mr Wondering gave her. I had to continually refocus her and tell her to keep posting and keep following the plan that was laid out for her.

Thank goodness she listened and ignored her instincts & fear of angering her foggy WH. She was able to end the affair and restore her M.

You are making serious missteps and letting your WW's fogbabble guide you. I hope you wake up and realize this before it's too late!

For emphasis:
This the EXACT OPPOSITE of what we advise here at MarriageBuilders.

This is Plan Outdoorsman, who doesn't know what he is doing.

The best "proof" is sticking to her side and not giving her the space to make contact.

You can discuss what No Contact means as you have her prepare and sign the form "no contact" letter.


Also...don't be surprised or think all is lost if she has one last "Closure" conversation with OM. It's quite typical to agree to "no contact" and then make one more final contact to say goodbye. It's terribly hurtful and destructive of trust but it happens fairly regularly. They just start to go through withdrawal and get to wondering and daydreaming and talk themselves into the fact that they just HAVE TO say goodbye on THEIR own terms. It's consistent selfish entitled behavior that doesn't end in a day or a week.

Don't know if you've read about withdrawal but your wife is likely to go through a period of 2 to 4 weeks of depression as she goes through withdrawal from the habit of talking, texting and generally acting like a teenager on crack with the OM. She truly won't be ready to begin recovery with for a few weeks. During this period you just try to stick to her like glue (without being obvious...like you are her prison guard)....get yourselves out of the house and doing things (versus sitting around trying to have meaningful conversations when she's not ready to really to have those conversations yet)...and distract her from dwelling on her addiction to OM.

Godspeed,
Mr. W

For emphasis:
This the EXACT OPPOSITE of what we advise here at MarriageBuilders.

This is Plan Outdoorsman, who doesn't know what he is doing.

Outdoorsman,

You are making a big mistake by not exposing completely.

I would also suggest going back and exposing the first OM, your WW has to learn their are consequences for her actions.

God Bless
Gamma