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Please listen to Mel. Your WH is clearly gaslighting you (telling you anything to get you off his back). If OWH already knows about the A what is one more call or message going to do?

DON'T BE AFRAID. I know how tough this is and how much you think not making WH is a good idea but honestly its IRRELEVANT. I mean seriously, the man cheated on you and you are being gratious enough to consider giving him another chance, he is in no position to demand anything. He should be apologizing and doing any/everything you please after this atrocity.

You keep saying you don't want to upset things or mess things up but what you need to realize is what exactly will you mess up? A crummy marriage where your WH cheats on you? Stand up, take a stand and take control of this situation, you are the one with options not your WH.

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Originally Posted By: txstunnedman
Please listen to Mel. Your WH is clearly gaslighting you (telling you anything to get you off his back). If OWH already knows about the A what is one more call or message going to do?

DON'T BE AFRAID. I know how tough this is and how much you think not making WH is a good idea but honestly its IRRELEVANT. I mean seriously, the man cheated on you and you are being gratious enough to consider giving him another chance, he is in no position to demand anything. He should be apologizing and doing any/everything you please after this atrocity.

You keep saying you don't want to upset things or mess things up but what you need to realize is what exactly will you mess up? A crummy marriage where your WH cheats on you? Stand up, take a stand and take control of this situation, you are the one with options not your WH.


That's my problem....I think I could do all of this if I was just the BS. But I'm not. I was having an A at the same time so I feel like I'm in no position to call the shots.

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Originally Posted By: brokenjc

That's my problem....I think I could do all of this if I was just the BS. But I'm not. I was having an A at the same time so I feel like I'm in no position to call the shots.


Yes, you are in a position to save your marriage. Throwing your marriage away because you feel guilty makes no sense whatsoever. Who will that help? You just have to make the decision to do it.

Obviously, the OWH does not know the facts of the affair and has been gaslighted by your husband and his honeypie or they would not mind you contacting him. Their only hope is that you will go along with their little ruse. If he knows the truth - which you know he does not - they would have nothing to object TO.

just think, if the OWH knows the truth, he will be more motivated to demand she leave.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Mel is right on. You are being gaslighted. Also, OWH may decide to expose the whole thing himself anyway. OW may back him up by quitting and claiming "sexual harassment", which will then probably result in termination of your WH's job, and possibly a lawsuit with damages/settlement.

The first thing his office will do will be damage control, including going back and recalling interoffice communications, looking at travel records, looking at HER hours, talking with co-workers, etc. to investigate. Does he use state-issued communication devices or automobiles? Submit phone records for reimbursement? If she is his subordinate, this will not look good for him in any future legal position, unless he hangs his own shingle and he can't be trusted to do that.

Have you considered doing that together?

Even if... taking a financial hit will be far better for your marriage than allowing this to continue (which is also continuing to risk his standing in the legal community by trying to hide it.)

He should expose himself and let his office know he has put them in legal jeopardy. Attorneys look out for each other if the attorney in question steps forward on his own. His office would be more willing to "help" as opposed to being blindly hit with a sexual harassment suit.

By the way, are you still communicating with OM in any way?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: brokenjc

That's my problem....I think I could do all of this if I was just the BS. But I'm not. I was having an A at the same time so I feel like I'm in no position to call the shots.


Yes, you are in a position to save your marriage. Throwing your marriage away because you feel guilty makes no sense whatsoever. Who will that help? You just have to make the decision to do it.

Obviously, the OWH does not know the facts of the affair and has been gaslighted by your husband and his honeypie or they would not mind you contacting him. Their only hope is that you will go along with their little ruse. If he knows the truth - which you know he does not - they would have nothing to object TO.

just think, if the OWH knows the truth, he will be more motivated to demand she leave.


What makes you think my WH is involved in it? Because he was angry at me for contacting the OW's H?

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Originally Posted By: princessmeggy
By the way, are you still communicating with OM in any way?


My communication with him had all but ended, until I found out about my WH's A. My OM lives in the same city as my family and we happened to be visiting my family when I found out about my WH's A. The night I found out, I went running to the OM. Today, I ended it. I didn't do it in the form of a letter, but I called the OM and told him that we could never talk again, that I was unfriending him from FB, and that I loved my H and was going to try and save my marriage.

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Originally Posted By: princessmeggy
Mel is right on. You are being gaslighted.


So here's my latest question... If the WS is absolutely not to be believed or trusted....what is the point in sitting down with them and asking all of the questions that you want about the A? I can ask for brutal honesty, but it sounds as if it's kind of a pointless endeavor if I can't trust that his answers are honest....

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And, finally, should we be putting EPs in place, even though my WH is still working in the same office with the OW?

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Originally Posted By: brokenjc
And, finally, should we be putting EPs in place, even though my WH is still working in the same office with the OW?


The purpose of extraordinary precautions is to prevent another affair. That obviously can't happen if he works with his lover.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: brokenjc
Originally Posted By: princessmeggy
By the way, are you still communicating with OM in any way?


My communication with him had all but ended, until I found out about my WH's A. My OM lives in the same city as my family and we happened to be visiting my family when I found out about my WH's A. The night I found out, I went running to the OM. Today, I ended it. I didn't do it in the form of a letter, but I called the OM and told him that we could never talk again, that I was unfriending him from FB, and that I loved my H and was going to try and save my marriage.


faint

Here we are trying to coach you to end your husbands affair and you were still in contact with your OWN OM the whole time!

Apparently, we are taking this all much more seriously than you. My time is way too valuable to be squandered that way. I wish you the best.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: brokenjc
Originally Posted By: princessmeggy
By the way, are you still communicating with OM in any way?


My communication with him had all but ended, until I found out about my WH's A. My OM lives in the same city as my family and we happened to be visiting my family when I found out about my WH's A. The night I found out, I went running to the OM. Today, I ended it. I didn't do it in the form of a letter, but I called the OM and told him that we could never talk again, that I was unfriending him from FB, and that I loved my H and was going to try and save my marriage.



Here we are trying to coach you to end your husbands affair and you were still in contact with your OWN OM the whole time!

Apparently, we are taking this all much more seriously that you are. My time is way too valuable to be squandered that way. I wish you the best.


I am taking it seriously....I am reading SAA, I am pouring over the site.....But my WH and I did not get into this mess because we had a good understanding of our own motivations and behaviors. The insight that I have gained from you all in the last two days has been invaluable. I had not been in contact with the OM until Saturday, when I learned of my WH's A. Today, I let the OM know that I made a mistake contacting him and there would be no further contact. There is nothing that I'm wanting to implement with my WH that I'm not imposing on myself. But he's not on this site, so he can't expose me....I've had to expose myself. He doesn't know to ask me to send an "end it" letter....I'm having to do that myself. And I'm doing it because I want this to be successful. I apologize that you feel that I have wasted your time....I am not perfect and I am doing the best that I can in a complicated and difficult situation.

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Originally Posted By: brokenjc
I am not perfect and I am doing the best that I can in a complicated and difficult situation.


We are all 'not perfect' and we all have 'difficult and complicated situations'. The reason the posters are angry with you is that you have not been open and honest with us.

Start by telling your husband the truth about what YOU have been doing. and tell him what he needs to make you do. Lead from the front. Show him the 'end it' letter that he needs to make you write. Once you have done it, ask him to do likewise.


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Originally Posted By: brokenjc
[. I apologize that you feel that I have wasted your time....I am not perfect and I am doing the best that I can in a complicated and difficult situation.



Yes, you have wasted my time and have not been honest with the folks who are helping you. You LIED to us about the state of your own affair in the first post:

Originally Posted By: brokenjc in first post
I ended things with the OM, but never told my husband the full extent of my relationship with the OM.


You lied to your husband and then came here and lied to us and aren't even embarrassed about it. If that is your "best" then you have more serious problems than this board can address. Look around you, we have so many people here who desperately need help and here we are wasting time with a cheater who is not the least bit serious.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: brokenjc
[. I apologize that you feel that I have wasted your time....I am not perfect and I am doing the best that I can in a complicated and difficult situation.



Yes, you have wasted my time and have not been honest with the folks who are helping you. You LIED to us about the state of your own affair in the first post:

Originally Posted By: brokenjc in first post
I ended things with the OM, but never told my husband the full extent of my relationship with the OM.


You lied to your husband and then came here and lied to us and aren't even embarrassed about it. If that is your "best" then you have more serious problems than this board can address. Look around you, we have so many people here who desperately need help and here we are wasting time with a cheater who is not the least bit serious.


Am I embarrassed about my conduct and about lying? Absolutely. I'm horrified at the things that I've done. As I said, I had ended things with the OM and had had no contact with him until Saturday, when I found out about my WH's A. The poster asked when the last time I had contact with the OM was and I was trying to be honest. I didn't know about MB until yesterday. Everything that has been done has been done in the last 24 hours. Because I'm that desperate to save our marriage. When I exposed to the OW's H, I exposed myself to my friends and family and when I explained to my H why I did what I did with the OW's H, I explained that it was the reason I was exposing myself, as well. I asked you all about whether I should tell my WH about MB because I understood that I should not....so when I had these discussions with my WH about what needed to happen, I repeatedly told him that he needed to do the same with me.... that I needed to know about his A and he needed to know about mine. I am well aware that there is no point to any of this if I am going to lie to you all. The last 24 hours have sucked. I'm doing what I can to try and save this marriage...as doomed as it apparently is. And I apologize if I have been untruthful in my responses...that certainly was not my intent. I understand you not wanting to help me any further-I am grateful for your time over the last day.

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I encourage you to consider contacting the MB Coaching Center. The link is on the main website.
They can help you and your husband develop Extraordinary Precautions and build a romantic love in your marriage using Dr. harley's methods.

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Broken,

I think you, your H and OW need to take polygraphs.

Inform the OWH about the need to give his WW a polygraph.

Your WH needs to apologize to OWH too and offer his confession.

Report your WH to his superiors. Serial cheaters need to learn.

God Bless
Gamma

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