Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
I have confirmed that he is not having an affair. No specific EPs...as I said I am having trouble getting him to participate.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: LolaLove
I have confirmed that he is not having an affair. No specific EPs...as I said I am having trouble getting him to participate.

That's my concern.

Why would he want to move out because he feels like he is letting you down? Why wouldn't he want to work on the marriage?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts


Why would he want to move out because he feels like he is letting you down? Why wouldn't he want to work on the marriage?


That's what I keep asking him...it is a vicious circle of a conversation...he is afraid to commit to trying because he is afraid of failure. I say if we fail then we at least know we tried everything. Sometimes I feel like he is more afraid of succeeding for some reason...I just don't get it.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
How did you rule out an affair? You checked his phone records? You have access to all his email? All his devices remain open?

Usually when a spouse wants to separate "to think, or find themselves" is a red flag for a SSL (secret second life).


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
I do understand the red flags and 6 months ago he was thinking of leaving for that reason. But at this very moment I am sure there is no one else. I do have access to his email and I can check his whereabouts using his iphone (he does not know this)

I guess I had implemented a plan A of sorts in November (before I found MB) He commented recently that my kindness has really increased his "caring" for me and has kept him around I guess.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
Has he ever listened to the radio show? The Harleys explain it so well.

Have you ever thought about asking him to call into the show with you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 296
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 296
Originally Posted By: Habibti
The problem is, he just doesn't buy it. He doesn't believe the feeling of love can be created--he thinks it will be contrived. And he thinks even if the feelings do come back, they will not last. His main reason for being resistant is that he feels like he has hurt and disappointed me so much that if this doesn't work it will just be one more way that he has disappointed me. He is also concerned that he will resent being forced to do it.

He has been talking about separation recently...
Has anyone been in my shoes with a reluctant spouse? Any advice to offer?



Wow! My WH must have borrowed your WH's playbook. My WH said every one of these things during the A. Surprising, no?


D-Day 1 - May 4, 2012

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
I really don't want to spend my time debating whether he is in an affair right now...I know he is not...but I also know at this point there is nothing to keep it from happening again. That is why I am desperately trying to get him on board to save our marriage.

Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478
You had been advised to send a NC letter to OM that your husband could read and agree for you to send. This may be an act on your part that could help persuade your husband to do some marriage investing on his end. You seriously taking EPs to heart for your behavior shows you "put your money where your mouth is." As you are doing your part, ask him if he could do some things for you, and list out EPs you need. If he says he can't do that, then you need to separate/plan B. This, after you've written and sent your no contact letter that is acceptable to your husband.


Last edited by LifetimeLearner; 04/17/14 06:08 AM. Reason: misspelling

xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
List what your EPs are, and his.

When did you write the NC Letter?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
He honestly doesn't care about NC with the OM. I don't think that would mean anything to him.

Plan B may be what I need but I won't leave my house--I still have a daughter at home. Would I ask him to leave?

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
Have you written the No Contact letter and shown it to him?


This was posted to you 2 months ago...

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted By: LolaLove
He honestly doesn't care about NC with the OM. I don't think that would mean anything to him.

Plan B may be what I need but I won't leave my house--I still have a daughter at home. Would I ask him to leave?


It may not mean anything to him; however, Dr. Harley's program is not a buffet type program where you pick and choose what you will follow.

If you seriously want to save your marriage, you need to follow the program. It may motivate him to jump on board.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: Dr Harley

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Did you write this and show him?

It almost seems like you want to end your marriage?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts


It almost seems like you want to end your marriage?



Why do you say this? I am asking for help to get him on board.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: LolaLove
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts


It almost seems like you want to end your marriage?



Why do you say this? I am asking for help to get him on board.

Because you want to separate so fast.

Dr. Harley agrees that women should only be in Plan A for 2-3 weeks and then enter Plan B, but you said you're confident there is no affair, despite his poor boundaries around women.

You had an affair 4 years ago and he brings it up all the time.

When we ask you about EPs and the NC Letter you won't answer and avoid the work.

Then you talk about separating. Recovering a marriage from an Affair is hard work.

Will your BH post here?
Will you write Dr. Harley?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts


You had an affair 4 years ago and he brings it up all the time.



You have me confused with someone else.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: LolaLove
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts


You had an affair 4 years ago and he brings it up all the time.



You have me confused with someone else.

Sorry it wasn't four years ago it was on and off throughout your marriage.

Originally Posted By: LolaLove
Ok...I am feeling like I really have to add this part...I also had an emotional affair. About a year ago I was feeling so unloved that I contacted an old high school boyfriend who had been really in love with me. We had been in touch off and on over the years, but this time it took hold. He began to tell me all of the things I didn't hear from my husband. I tried to keep it at friends but we did meet once when I went on a business trip and we had sex. I kept telling myself that our marriage vows were already broken. I do continue to talk to him...he has helped me through so much.
We are really messed up, huh?


Did you ever write the NC letter to your OM? Was it exposed? Is OM married?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
Was the OM married? Who did you expose your affair to?

Have you been tested for STD/I?

Your WH has had many affairs, but you say he isn't having an affair now. How have you confirmed this?

What EPs have you both been in place?

When is the last time you talked to OM? Are you still talking to him?

Have you changed all your contact information?

These are all questions that have been asked and you either won't answer or ignore the questions.

We can't help you if you aren't honest with us.

What have you done since your call with Dr. Harley?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
Stopped talking to him but did not write NC. He is married...I apologized to his wife and promised not to talk to him anymore.

Did not expose.

Page 4 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 22 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,550
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5