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Still complicated. Feeling extremely conflicted...can't publicly post all as he may see...but I've figured out that there's a lot I need to do on my own..I need some time and independence but he's suffocating...

Dont think I'm in love with him...it's like it's been a slow realization that there's a lot more I want in my life. He's begging for forgiveness every day and doing everything he's supposed to.

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Are you in regular communication with Dr. Harley?

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No I'm not....I'm not sure if he is...

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Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
No I'm not....I'm not sure if he is...


I encourage you to email Dr. Harley an update.
When you do, forward Dr. Harley his last email communication with you.

As I recall, he said he would work with you personally so you should be in contact with him.

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Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
No I'm not....I'm not sure if he is...


Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley


I will correspond with you and your husband by email from now on to provide advice and encouragement as you face this very difficult situation. As you already know, my position is that you should separate into different houses, you should report what happened to the authorities (police and social services), and your husband should begin a program designed to help people who engage in sexual misconduct. I know for a fact that your husband is very sincere about putting this life behind him, but unless his past behavior is exposed to those who know what to do with it (police and social services), his willingness to change will not lead to an actual change.


Will you contact Dr. Harley back? Are you separated from your WH?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
BH,

She is not separated. She recvently posted that he is back in the house

Thanks JK. Where did she post this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
BH,

She is not separated. She recvently posted that he is back in the house

Thanks JK. Where did she post this?



Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
I let him come home. I do realize he is still a risk to me and that is why we will continue to sleep separately.

I'm not exactly sure on the therapist. He found him...I know he deals with lying and impulse control problems. If he's not the right therapist he will have to find another. My husband more than any sexual problems is a huge liar first and foremost. It is a very frustrating problem and I'm not sure how easily it can be treated since the problem is he can lie to the therapist.

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Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
BH,

She is not separated. She recvently posted that he is back in the house

Thanks JK. Where did she post this?



Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
I let him come home. I do realize he is still a risk to me and that is why we will continue to sleep separately.

I'm not exactly sure on the therapist. He found him...I know he deals with lying and impulse control problems. If he's not the right therapist he will have to find another. My husband more than any sexual problems is a huge liar first and foremost. It is a very frustrating problem and I'm not sure how easily it can be treated since the problem is he can lie to the therapist.

Yes I saw that, but it was back on 2-05-14 and I was hoping that in 2 months she would have taken Dr. Harley's advice by now.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I realize now I should have stayed separated. I can't ask him to leave now, he has been on very best behavior....he is pretty much begging me to give him a chance. Every day I feel like I want to run away completely from my life and I don't have it in me to parent alone right now.

I'm supposed to just forget our entire history and look forward only, but I can't. I am not in love, it was just too much going through with the poly and everything that happened. I kind of feel like I might be going a little crazy and I'm doing things I would have never done....

I am straying from everything that dr Harley preaches and I don't think he can help me. I am trying to figure out what I want in life, who I want it with....what I'm doing. We are going to take a vacation together but I'm more concerned about being cut off from the world for a week than wanting to spend time with him...

I ask him for space and privacy but he just accuses me of all this stuff....that he suspects "the worst" whatever that is to him.

He continues to not drink, be a great dad, worker, citizen, everything. He is doing it right and now I feel I am struggling.

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Have you been to your doctor for some ADs?

What has your WH been doing that shows you he is serious?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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It's good that he's not drinking and is a good citizen, buy you're missing the intimate care that marriage needs. It's not enough for him to stop hurting you - people don't fall in love with others because they don't hurt them, but because they help them.

Do you yet feel safe in your own home? I understand the feeling of fear of being captive during a vacation; do you know why you dread it? Why do you want space and privacy? Essentially, do you understand why you don't want him to get close to you or touch you? You need just compensation and simply refraining from drinking is only a part of that compensation.

You can make it as a single parent.


Dr. Harley can help you, but it's up to you to take his advice and stop letting fear guide your actions and decisions.


xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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Blackbird, are you engaging in an affair?

Get out of it, and separate from the marriage as fast as you can.

You are your own worst enemy right now.

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Originally Posted By: kerala
Blackbird, are you engaging in an affair?

Get out of it, and separate from the marriage as fast as you can.

You are your own worst enemy right now.

Why do you say this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Blackbird, you are going to be okay.
You do sound confused, though. How could you not be, after all you have lived through, and still living with your WH.
Dr. Harley would like to help you both, and has reached out to you. You have the very best professional marriage (or individual, if you so choose) counseling available to you.
Please communicate with Dr Harley and let him help you and your family.

Peace of Christ be with you.


Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



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Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
I kind of feel like I might be going a little crazy and I'm doing things I would have never done....

I am straying from everything that dr Harley preaches and I don't think he can help me. I am trying to figure out what I want in life, who I want it with....what I'm doing. We are going to take a vacation together but I'm more concerned about being cut off from the world for a week than wanting to spend time with him...

I ask him for space and privacy but he just accuses me of all this stuff....that he suspects "the worst" whatever that is to him.


Because of this, BH. I could be wrong, and I hope that I am. But the guilt at asking him to leave simply b/c he has been on his "very best behaviour" rings untrue to me, considering the depraved things he has done. So I wonder if there is something else behind the guilt.

Blackbirdfly, it is NEVER too late to craft the life you want and deserve. If that life does not include him (and I think you know most people's view here on that) then get on with it.

Last edited by kerala; 04/19/14 07:42 AM.
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Originally Posted By: kerala


Blackbirdfly, it is NEVER too late to craft the life you want and deserve. If that life does not include him (and I think you know most people's view here on that) then get on with it.


Amen!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: kerala
Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
I kind of feel like I might be going a little crazy and I'm doing things I would have never done....

I am straying from everything that dr Harley preaches and I don't think he can help me. I am trying to figure out what I want in life, who I want it with....what I'm doing. We are going to take a vacation together but I'm more concerned about being cut off from the world for a week than wanting to spend time with him...

I ask him for space and privacy but he just accuses me of all this stuff....that he suspects "the worst" whatever that is to him.

Because of this, BH. I could be wrong, and I hope that I am. But the guilt at asking him to leave simply b/c he has been on his "very best behaviour" rings untrue to me, considering the depraved things he has done. So I wonder if there is something else behind the guilt.

Blackbirdfly, it is NEVER too late to craft the life you want and deserve. If that life does not include him (and I think you know most people's view here on that) then get on with it.
Thanks for the explanation, kerala.

I sure hope she isn't having an affair and gets on with the life she wants.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I did contact dr. Harley today. His advice was pretty much as I expected and I think what any of you would expect...I started having an emotional affair with someone maybe a month ago. It was not intentional...and I realize it has made my life more complicated. He is married and I know this will not lead to anything...he's not leaving his wife, I'm not leaving my husband.

I'm not willing to stop contact with him as he makes me happy in a very difficult time in my life. I know this does not follow marriage builders at all and obviously I suck at my life but I'm trying. Just thought I would update you all anyway. I think my marriage is probably beyond the help of marriage builders but hopefully we will work something out. I don't intend to divorce and I don't think he does either.

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Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
I did contact dr. Harley today. His advice was pretty much as I expected and I think what any of you would expect...I started having an emotional affair with someone maybe a month ago. It was not intentional...and I realize it has made my life more complicated. He is married and I know this will not lead to anything...he's not leaving his wife, I'm not leaving my husband.

I'm not willing to stop contact with him as he makes me happy in a very difficult time in my life. I know this does not follow marriage builders at all and obviously I suck at my life but I'm trying. Just thought I would update you all anyway. I think my marriage is probably beyond the help of marriage builders but hopefully we will work something out. I don't intend to divorce and I don't think he does either.

Did you tell Dr. Harley you're having an affair?

So you'd rather destroy two marriages instead of divorcing?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes I did tell him.

And I don't think I will be destroying anyone's marriage. I'm not looking to interrupt his life....and well...mine kind of already isn't doing all that well.

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