It's been so long since I've posted that I'm sure I've been forgotten about. I've been lurking and reading posts but I have to say the reason that I haven't posted is I am just too ashamed at the total screw up I've made over the past 6 months.
I tried to go to Plan B and kept failing miserably. I kept talking to WH and seeing him. I disregarded Dr H's advice about Plan B and all the awesome posters on here trying to help me.
I don't know what to say except I'm sorry. I'm so in love with my WH and of course nothing has changed. He is still living with OW.
He has continued to give me false promises and hope. He promised me he would leave her by March 31st. Then the next day he said he was so sorry but he just couldn't do it. He just couldn't hurt her feelings and she has no where else to go. Yet he always finds it easy to hurt his wife and keep putting me second.
He has now said he knows the writing is on the wall for them and he knows it won't last. He said he's miserable with her and doesn't love her. He keeps promising me he will be back. He keeps saying that he wishes she would just leave him so he wouldn't have to be the bad guy to everybody.
He keeps giving excuses saying that he is scared what his family will say because they all love OW. He said he is scared about OW's brothers coming to bash him up if he leaves OW.
He always has excuses saying 'my life is so terrible, I Hate work, my kids hate me, I don't have time to do anything other than worry about work. He said work is his future and he needs to do everything he can at work and can think about nothing else.
I have told him 'What about our future and our marriage and our son'.
He says his life is one big mess and he doesn't know what to do. I feel he just wants to coast along and not do anything about our marriage because to him it's all TOO HARD to work on our marriage. He's too scared about what people think. His whole family condones his A and I do not have one single person on my side. They all want me gone and have welcomed OW as part of the family.
He has told me he hasn't had sex with OW in months. I don't know if this is true. I have slept with him again a few times over the last few months.
We have a parenting plan in place where we meet at a neutral place for pick up and drop off of our son at the same time twice a week. My son walks over to WH's car and then I drive off.
During these pick ups, OW is always on the phone to WH because she still does not trust him. She still has the GPS on his phone tracking his every move. She still does not trust him.
According to my WH, he has accidentally called OW by my name a couple of times recently and she has gone off her head.
From what I can gather she is still insecure, untrusting, LB'ing and wants my head on a platter and still determined to WIN at all costs.
I feel like I am the one in the A with my husband. His whole family has made me feel like this and I am starting to doubt myself.
I know that Dr H says that the A usually ends 6 months after exposure. Well I feel like it's been 6 months since I confronted OW and now it's me and WH that are basically over. And she's still there. So does this really mean that me and WH is the one who is over? I feel like I'm having an A and our A is over.
I can't get my head around this.
For the record he has still not divorced me. Apparently she keeps pushing him to do it but he still won't.
I've spoken to him many times about marriage builders and he kindly informed me that my best bet would be for me to go PLAN B like Dr Harley suggests. I told him that instead of giving me marriage builders advice, then maybe he should follow the program himself and end his A! He then makes excuses' I know , I know, it's not that easy'.
I even told him to come back here and post and he said he wouldn't because he knows what everyone will say. And he said' They don't know what it's like. They haven't lived a day in my shoes.'
He keeps saying he doesn't love her. Then next minute he says' I don't know what I feel about her'. Then he tells me he feels a sense of responsibility to her and her kids. I then ask him 'What about the responsibility to your wife and OWN child'. This he cannot answer.
I've been reading Scotland's amazing posts about when she was in Plan B. I wish for her strength.
I feel I don't know my WH anymore. When I see him and we are together it's my loving husband looking into my eyes with so much love and emotion.
Then he goes to being lazy and a coward and not wanting to do anything about saving our marriage. Just making promises and hoping she will leave.
He said he's always loved me and the plan is for us to spend our lives together. He's just too scared and I feel he will continue to live his life this way. Not happy but not doing anything about it. It's like he has accepted that this is his life now.
Does our marriage still stand a chance? Or have I totally blown it for ever? I do know deep down that he loves me.
If anybody doesn't want to reply that is fine. I know how much I've stuffed it and gone against what everyone said. I had such good intentions.
I'm so devastated. It will be 2 years this September that he has been living with OW.
He has also told me that he is not in the fog at all. He said he knows he wants to be with me, he just doesn't know how. Of course I don't believe that he is not foggy.
If I'm on the phone to him sometimes he will whisper 'I have to go' and know she has turned up. That hurts being put second all the time.
I know how much sense Plan B is. I try for a week and then fail. It's so hard
I wish I had done Plan B six months ago and maybe I would be in a better place right now.
I'm going overseas in 7 weeks. I will be going for 2 weeks with my son. I'm hoping it will be time for me to gain perspective and have fun with my boy.
Thanks to anyone who responds to me. I understand if everyone thinks I'm a lost cause who just has no hope in saving her marriage.
If there is no hope for our marriage after the worlds biggest stuff up then please just tell me. I need to know. Thanks