I care much less about how you deliver the letter as I do about:

1) Being prepared first, so there's no excuse for C

and

2)Sticking with it - you can do this!!!

Hi Susie

Thanks for coming back to my thread a second time. I have always known that I am very weak in contacting my WH. I will change this.

I am getting my plan in order today.

I have been and visited my friend today and she has agreed to be my IM. She thinks it is a great idea. I have explained all to her and will link her the info as well.

I knew my friend would be perfect as she is a very partial person and will remain neutral and will only pass on the relevant info. She is very natural at this in real life and she has dealt with a lot regarding her own XH and has drawn really clear boundaries with him also.

When I started telling her about what she would have to do she just GOT IT. God I love this friend of mine. She is awesome. She even wants me to include her phone number as well as email in case there is ever an emergency about my son.

She knows my WH due to having a few dealings with him when my son has been at her son's house and he has been to pick him up from there a few times.

I know that my WH respects my friend and would probably not dare say one bad thing to her.

I'm really happy she has agreed. I feel very blessed to have her as my IM and I feel blessed to have the posters here.

Susie yes I definately need those 2x4's I think! I probably more so than others!

Hi Neak

Yep I'm getting prepared. So here it is.

Got my IM sorted. Tick.

Nearly finished PBL which I intend to send tomorrow and include IM's email address and phone number. After sending the PBL I plan on closing my email so he can not respond.

In the Plan B letter can I also include my 18 year old daughter as an emergency contact number if something heaven forbid was to happen to my son? My daughter wouldn't want to be a go between but he would have her number just in case. I think he actually does have her number anyway so would this be necessary?

I also think it would be best if I also change my cell phone number. What do you think? I don't want to be tempted to reply to his text messages if he happens to send one.

I still know his phone number off by heart but I think I would be less tempted to call or text him if I had a new number. I think I would be dissapointed in myself if I inadvertently gave him the new number by ringing him from it.

I want to be as dark as possible so feel I should definately change my number so he will have no choice to go through the IM.

Also should I change the home number too? I rarely use the home phone and I think he has maybe called it once a long time ago. Not even 100 percent sure he still has that number. But should I do that as a precaution too?

Regarding what I set out in PBL about the drop off. I am going to write how my son will be picked up from out the front of the house and I will send him out. What if WH kicks up a stink about this and doesn't agree.

Since he won't have my contact info what if he starts telling IM he doesn't agree?

I did speak to my IM about this today and she said she could say ' That is Rock Solids wishes. If you do not agree you can arrange a mediation and tell me when the appt is and I will let Rock Solid know and you can sort it out in mediation'.

I can probably bet my WH would be too lazy and busy at work to organise something like this.

So fingers crossed he goes along with it. I'm sure OW will be kicking up a great stink that I have changed the drop offs again. I don't care what she thinks.

Thanks everyone x

"Regarding what I set out in PBL about the drop off. I am going to write how my son will be picked up from out the front of the house and I will send him out. What if WH kicks up a stink about this and doesn't agree."

Then he doesn't get to see your son.


Then he doesn't get any message to you at all. He will be screwed. If he wants to get a message to you it will be through the Im or nothing. That is not his choice.


No mediation, no nothing. If he wants to get a message to you it is through the IM or it is nothing. There is no negotiation.

Perfect idea to change your phone #. Your husband will not losing you as an option so it is important that he is prevented from getting through. He will be testing you to see if you are serious! He will try to get through.

Before you send the letter, please post it here for feedback.

x2



This is the MOST important part of Plan B preparation. Of course you will respond if he harangues you enough. Don't just change your number change ALL your contact details. Change email, block him on social media (it's not enough if he has blocked you because he can unblock). Secure yourself from contact as though your plan is a house and he is a burglar.

When I did this my H tried to email me at work, and send me letters. Then I had my IM send him a message telling him any contact aside from what was passed through her was being deleted unread. I threw the letters away unread and deleted the email unread. You must pledge to not read anything he sneaks through! We will know if you do!

I wouldn't give your daughter's number unless she is prepared to have her phone blown up initially by him trying to get messages to you (I know you think this is unlikely - but it is what happens). If she is tough enough she can repeat 'only emergency contact' to him and promise not tell you about any of his attempts to reach you, then I think it is a good idea.

DO take ML up on her offer to coach your IM. She helped me my first time IMing and it was great!

Tonight I feel so hopeless I can't stop crying. I have this feeling deep in my heart that I have lost my H.

I keep remembering back to my last conversation with him. He was telling me that she is pushing and pushing for them to buy a house together. I feel this is her way of trapping him in for ever.

He kept telling me he was trying to deter her and not go down this path with her. But he kept saying that his parents are encouraging him to do it too. I feel if he does this then that is her way of getting some kind of commitment out of him and not letting me have him.

She knows he won't marry her so she is trying the next best thing to reel him in.

I'm so scared he will do it. Why doesn't my WH have a backbone anymore? Why can't he just stand up and say NO to her.

Why has he become a shadow of the man I married?

I'm so scared. I feel if he buys a house with her then our marriage has no chance. I'm praying to God he doesn't do this.

What kind of woman keeps on staying with him after she found out SIX MONTHS ago that he was cheating on her with me.

Why why why I don't understand. Why can't she just leave my H alone.

Does she not see they have no future.

I can't stop crying.

I will post my Plan B letter later tonight.

Thanks for letting me vent.

So sad tonight. I feel like it's over and I've lost.

Indie okay I won't offer my daughter as an emergency contact.

No need to worry about social media as both me and my H do not have any of that.

I need hope but I can't see any. I will do everything you say. I am going to ring the phone company and get my numbers changed.

One day you will look back and see this as the hour before the brightest dawn of your life, if you stay on track. I promise.




Yes of course she is. She doesn't think she is worthy of marriage and she is not. She is an imbecile and she will fail miserably.

Just get out of her way while she works hard on making them both miserable.



Because she is a married man's mistress and she expects this. She does not expect any more than this. Most losers do not. Being the receiver of sloppy seconds is in her job description.

She is a cockroach on the table of life who feeds on the crumbs of others. Once you leave the table and take your food away, she can't feed on your pain any more. Even though she thinks she wants you gone, she will really be unhappier than ever and feel like the loser she is.

Before she was triumphantly taking someone's husband away. Now she has been lumbered with the cheating reject by the far more dignified wife.



Addiction. He is not there any more. He is alienised by the addiction and will keep you both in his addiction for as long as you allow it.



You lost him more than two years ago. That does not rule out future reconcilliation, but you MUST protect yourself while he is not himself.

You are not losing your H, all you are losing is OW's monkey-boy.



I would be rooting for this actually - it will kill them within months and is a laughable example of her pitiful standards.



That is the LAST thing you need. Plan Hope has nearly killed you. Your husband has been strumming on your hopes like a harp until you are played out.

You need certainty. Certainty that you will no longer put up with this. Certainty that you are on a 100 pc guaranteed plan for personal recovery. That you will not abandon that plan until he has presented you with a CERTAIN plan for recovery.

Only an idiot would buy a house with a married man. Half of whatever he owns is still yours! That's why I told you to get legal advice re the separation. He will still need to honour you financially as his wife.

Even if he still has cash for a house after child/spousal support, a simple letter like 'My client wishes me to remind you that any homes or property you invest in, will be considered a marital asset and half hers while she is your wife. Therefore could you give us an indication of the value of any property you own please'. That would cause huge ructions in the A, but of course - they don't think that far.

DO get legal advice regarding your separation. Don't fear filing for divorce if it is advised. Especially if you dread him doing it. Just neatly take away the option and drag it out without finalising.

RS, I have NO fear that they will not break up whatsoever. A's like this one simply do not last.

The biggest risk to recovery is you. I dread to think what your health is going to be like after the past two years. Unless you take care of yourself you will be hospitalised, custody of your son will go to the affairees and there will be no you for him to recover with.

Once you are safely in either Plan B or a real recovery you are going to be very upset. Once you get off the 'he loves me, he loves me not' carousel, you're probably going to feel pretty pissed off. You will have a huge burden of resentment to face after such long term bad treatment. It will make any future recovery much, much harder than it had to be if you carry on.

For the same reason expect to be very sad for the early part of Plan B until you start to heal. Expect to be very sad for a good few weeks and don't be too proud to take AD's.

The A is bound to crash and burn some time. Bound to. The only thing you have to do is make sure you are healed enough to be able to make good, calm, tough decisions when it does.

Indie already told you most of what I was going to. Read it repeatedly.

The only thing she left me to say was this. You weren't "too weak" all this time, you simply "chose contact". Now, "being strong" is as simple as "choosing no contact".

Make it as easy on yourself as you can by changing all your info, then prepare yourself by each day, each hour, each minute, making the choice.

I CHOOSE NO CONTACT.

RS, this OW and your WH aren't even the problem here.

You have been your own worst enemy because you have a death grip on your WH.

One of the first steps in a successful Plan B (IMO) is to acknowledge and accept that you cannot control what the waywards are doing and LET GO. This post tells me that you haven't come close to letting go yet.

I truly hope that you are not using Plan B as a means to get your WH back.

Your focus at this point should solely be getting yourself pulled together so that you can be a good mother and get healthy.

Hi Susie

Yes I do have a deathgrip I admit. And yes I do want my H back. But I do know that my health is suffering and I want terribly to get myself better again and not be so drained anymore. I really want to get personally recovered because how I am living is not good for my health and not good for my son. I can do this. I am going to get back on the AD's as Indie suggested.

My goal for now is that in 7 weeks I want to feel a lot better and at peace with myself so that I may enjoy my O'S holiday with my son and give him the best time that I can.

Hi Neak

Thank you. I CHOOSE NO CONTACT. I do. I have read your story a while ago and always thought whan an inspiration you are.

Thank you so much Indie. I do already feel very very sad like you said. Just breaking away is so hard BUT I KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT THING. I was reading someones post (maybe Scotland) and they said you know when you are doing the right thing because the right thing is not the EASIEST thing.

So I do know I am doing the right thing.

And there is days when I feel very angry towards my WH. I hate what he's doing to me. Sometimes I feel used. I feel used that he has made love to me and gone home to her. He has always promised me that he is not using me and that he loves me and all I can say to him is 'Yes but your actions tell me otherwise.'

I need to get out of this mindset and stop remembering all these excuses and conversations.

After two years especially the last 6 months my life has been an emotional rollercoaster. Seeing my H has been like an addiction for me. I had moments of being so low and then he would come along and I would see him again and get that high again. Dr Harley explains an A like this so that is why I start doubting myself that I am actually the one if the affair. Do you understand what I mean? That's when I start to question that I am having an A.

I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

I can do this. I want to be well again for me and my boy.

This is my Plan B letter. I fear it is too long but I feel I needed to put this info in.

The reason I put in the bit about him having to park directly out the front is because I don't have a driveway and he has to park on the street. There has been times in the past where he has parked on the opposite side of the street and hasn't gotten out of his car to get my son so I have had to walk across the street with my son.

It's not safe for my son to walk across the busy road by himself and I sure as won't be going outside. And I know that my husband will not get out of his car.

That is why I felt I needed to make this message clear he needs to be on the right side of the road. I want this all clear. Is this okay??



Dear H

Our continued talks about reuniting our marriage and family is too painful and has exhausted me.

Our current arrangement of dropping DS off in the McDonalds car park is not going to happen anymore. It causes me too much pain to see you knowing you are with this other woman. It is also too painful for me to drop DS at your place knowing you are living there with the other woman.

From now on DS can be picked up from his home at my place out the front. You will need to park directly out the front so DS can see when you have arrived and be able to walk out safely. He will not be able to cross the road by himself so parking directly out the front is the only option.

He will watch out for you at the set time and come out to your car by himself when you arrive. I will not come outside the house.

He can be picked up Mondays at 6pm and Wednesdays at 6pm. On my weekends with him, you can pick him up at 3pm on Sundays. On weekends you have him you can pick him up at 8.45am on Saturdays before his sports lesson.

My friend xxx has agreed to be our intermediary for any information pertaining to DS or any emergency regarding DS.
Any questions can be directed to XXX by email. Her email address is:
XXX
Her mobile phone number is XXXXXXXX which can be called if there is an emergency.

Any other means of contact will not be answered until the time you have agreed to end your affair.

Yours
Rocksolid.

Indie

What do you see in my WH's A that makes you believe it won't last?

Because Dr. Harley states that most affairs die a natural death.

BUT now that you've removed yourself it allows OW and your WH to only Love Bust each other. You're not around for them to blame everything on.

Please stay dark in your Plan B. Your WH has had 2 women meeting his ENs for over 2 years. Let the fireworks go in affairland because they are going to turn on each other. Especially when your WH doesn't have you to run to.

Hi Brainhurts

Thank you for that. I am going to be Dark and send the letter today.

Is my letter okay to send do you think?