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i know I am indeed worried about the fact that she is a single OW. I have no idea who to contact besides the 3 fb contacts I tried searching and reading walls and nothing jumped out at me because she isn't on FB. I wonder if she would be affected by me contacting her and showing her an email from his 1st OW dated Dec 17th (who knows how long the current OW has been in this picture?? I'm now thinking it's longer than I thought but I have no idea.

I wonder if current OW would be affected if I let her know that we (my WS and I) have been intimate often when he is home up until two weeks ago. I had stopped having sex with him two weeks before that because he was acting angry and distant after we would (for 8 years it would connect us but now it wasn't- guilt/conflict I guess) He said he understood and even though we would make-out, we weren't intimate. Then, On the Saturday before mothers day we went out for drinks, he got a room and pulled me close saying "You are my Wife for Life, I am committed, let's make this work and and I'll do the program with you." The "got a room", then the next day, he admitted the older affair. NOw I see he did that hoping I'd divorce him and which would allow him to be with his current OW. Sick. ONe last "night" with me knowing fully well he'd try to get rid of me the next day. On Mother's Day.

If I contact her with this info I"m sure he'd deny it and say I'm making it up but I wonder if it would do anything??


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Just looking back... and with the latest findings, I am truly worried he's a compulsive liar. I am wondering if contacting his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend could get me anymore info that I could give to OW. If for example they both agree that that he is lied and/or cheated, it would further through doubt her way.
Especially because I don't have much friend/family exposure for her.

Thoughts?


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The vets told me there is no point contacting the OW because they are heartless and don't care what the BW says.

Once my WH agreed to Recovery and EPs I created a temporary email account and sent OW a message. I just told her all the damage that she and WH had created and to stay away from us. And that WH was contacting other women while he was with her. It felt good to get it out.

She ended up responding a month later, but I had quit checking that account. I didn't read it until I had asked WH to leave and file for divorce.

WH and OW are still together so clearly everything I told her had no effect. crazy

My point is - the vets are right. The OW don't give a crap that WH is a scumbag.


BW (me)-31
WH - 33
M - 5 years
DD 3 years old
EA/PA - 5/2013
D-day - 6/29/2013. He refused NC.
I moved out with DD 9/2013.
Sold our home and made divorce arrangements.
Plan B - 12/8/2013
FR - 1/2014-3/2014
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Originally Posted by LifeIsBetter
The vets told me there is no point contacting the OW because they are heartless and don't care what the BW says.

Once my WH agreed to Recovery and EPs I created a temporary email account and sent OW a message. I just told her all the damage that she and WH had created and to stay away from us. And that WH was contacting other women while he was with her. It felt good to get it out.

She ended up responding a month later, but I had quit checking that account. I didn't read it until I had asked WH to leave and file for divorce.

WH and OW are still together so clearly everything I told her had no effect. crazy

My point is - the vets are right. The OW don't give a crap that WH is a scumbag.

Interesting!! Yes, especially if they are single and being fed the lies he is probably feeding her- he is very very convincing. Some email from his "crazy soon to be ex-wife" will probably do nothing.

I kind of do want to contact his exes out of curiosity now though.... I've been falling asleep at night with my mind racing about HOW MANY LIES there have been. The reasons for his break-ups with his exes seem to easy and now I question whether there is so.much.more.

Last edited by SFL; 05/21/14 03:35 PM.

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Originally Posted by SFL
If I contact her with this info I"m sure he'd deny it and say I'm making it up but I wonder if it would do anything??

I would not give up so easily on finding facebook contacts for the OW because you need to make this as widespread as possible. Look for more relatives on those 3 contact's pages. Do you know where her parents live? Do you have their home phone #? Do you have their names? If you have their names, then try to find their relatives. You can't just give up so easily.

And yes, you should contact the OW AFTER the exposure. Tell her your husband has told you he loves you and ask her what her intentions are. Tell her there is no future for her because she will be eternally hated by the inlaws and your children for her part in busting up your marriage if you do bust up. Tell her she is not the first affair, but the second. Tell her about the other OW.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SFL
I kind of do want to contact his exes out of curiosity now though.... I've been falling asleep at night with my mind racing about HOW MANY LIES there have been. The reasons for his break-ups with his exes seem to easy and now I question whether there is so.much.more.

I think that is a great idea!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by SFL
If I contact her with this info I"m sure he'd deny it and say I'm making it up but I wonder if it would do anything??

I would not give up so easily on finding facebook contacts for the OW because you need to make this as widespread as possible. Look for more relatives on those 3 contact's pages. Do you know where her parents live? Do you have their home phone #? Do you have their names? If you have their names, then try to find their relatives. You can't just give up so easily.

And yes, you should contact the OW AFTER the exposure. Tell her your husband has told you he loves you and ask her what her intentions are. Tell her there is no future for her because she will be eternally hated by the inlaws and your children for her part in busting up your marriage if you do bust up. Tell her she is not the first affair, but the second. Tell her about the other OW.

So there are a bigger handful of relatives on their pages that have the same last name. Should I expose to anyone on FB that has the same last name as her??


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Originally Posted by SFL
So there are a bigger handful of relatives on their pages that have the same last name. Should I expose to anyone on FB that has the same last name as her??

You got it, girlfriend!! laugh


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm getting really scared of exposure guys. He can be a monster (not physical) but he has been distancing himself from me and his kids for months. I think he's in love with this woman because he's been saying "I don't know." I don't know in reference to us. And I believe, now he knows. He has chosen her. I know, I know, expose expose. He is just such a good liar. I have evidence of him sleeping there but that's it. That is absolutely wrong, but still, he can create something like "she has been having nightmares from when her ex beat her up I just came to sleep on the couch." and then turn around and say, "YOU LIED TO EVERYONE- I haven't been sleeping with her- just being her friend!" I know, I know, but he is so so smart and caniving I am getting frightened.

Any good links to stories of women who were scared of exposing and how it went down?? Thank you, I just need to get strength.


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Originally Posted by SFL
I'm getting really scared of exposure guys. He can be a monster (not physical) but he has been distancing himself from me and his kids for months. I think he's in love with this woman because he's been saying "I don't know." I don't know in reference to us. And I believe, now he knows. He has chosen her. I know, I know, expose expose. He is just such a good liar. I have evidence of him sleeping there but that's it. That is absolutely wrong, but still, he can create something like "she has been having nightmares from when her ex beat her up I just came to sleep on the couch." and then turn around and say, "YOU LIED TO EVERYONE- I haven't been sleeping with her- just being her friend!" I know, I know, but he is so so smart and caniving I am getting frightened.

Any good links to stories of women who were scared of exposing and how it went down?? Thank you, I just need to get strength.

Yes, there are 52423 "links" to threads where a BS was scared of exposing. We were *ALL* scared. But we did it because strength is a CHOICE.

We are not concerned with the excuses he concocts to justify his adultery. They are just excuses.

He might be a good liar, but you don't need the confession of a liar to know truth, do you? You are smart girl and you know better than that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am sure he will lie and try to spin the truth just like every wayward. Your job is to be smarter than that. You don't need to debate, defend or justify anything. You just tell him he will have to end his affair and leave the job if he wants to stay with you.

Don't fight, don't apologize, don't defend. Just be a broken record and tell him he has to end his affair and quit the job.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Yes, there are 52423 "links" to threads where a BS was scared of exposing. We were *ALL* scared. But we did it because strength is a CHOICE.

We are not concerned with the excuses he concocts to justify his adultery. They are just excuses.

He might be a good liar, but you don't need the confession of a liar to know truth, do you? You are smart girl and you know better than that.

x 2

Stop worrying about what a liar says. The stories a WS spins typically ends up being so over the top stupid and unbelieveable that anyone with half a brain can see he's desperately spinning it.

If it makes you feel any better, I exposed on Dday...to my sister, best friend and children. I found the BH the following day and exposed two days later to the BH, my family, and WH's family. My WH was stroking out!!! OW was stroking out!!! I had not found MB until months later but I had the presence of mind to expose. You have the benefit of MB to know what to expect.

There is no guarantee your marriage will be saved but I sure as heck was not going to let some skank anywhere near my children. That alone was motivation enough for me to drop the nukes and destroy the affair even if I ended up divorced.

ETA: My WH dumped OW and she was all whacked out over it grin

Last edited by black_raven; 05/21/14 09:14 PM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Originally Posted by black_raven
x 2

Stop worrying about what a liar says. The stories a WS spins typically ends up being so over the top stupid and unbelieveable that anyone with half a brain can see he's desperately spinning it.

If it makes you feel any better, I exposed on Dday...to my sister, best friend and children. I found the BH the following day and exposed two days later to the BH, my family, and WH's family. My WH was stroking out!!! OW was stroking out!!! I had not found MB until months later but I had the presence of mind to expose. You have the benefit of MB to know what to expect.

There is no guarantee your marriage will be saved but I sure as heck was not going to let some skank anywhere near my children. That alone was motivation enough for me to drop the nukes and destroy the affair even if I ended up divorced.

Black Raven those last two sentences SCREAMED out at me. Yes. Yes. Yes. The thought breaks me even more than his affair.



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I am sure he will lie and try to spin the truth just like every wayward. Your job is to be smarter than that. You don't need to debate, defend or justify anything. You just tell him he will have to end his affair and leave the job if he wants to stay with you.

Don't fight, don't apologize, don't defend. Just be a broken record and tell him he has to end his affair and quit the job.

How does this apply if he is already talking about divorcing me? He said, "we are separated and we will be divorcing soon." He wants to come home this weekend and spend time with the kids and I as a "goodbye weekend." And then he will be getting an apartment to crash in LA. I believe he is moving on with this woman and making plans for their future.


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I guess I just mean I will expose, he will be furious, he will say, divorce is coming. So I don't think the words "you will have to end your affair and leave your job if you want to stay with me" applies if he already has said he doesn't want to be with me.
Thoughts?


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SFL, if he doesn't want to be with you, why does he keep coming back home? Why the "goodbye weekend?" If he was so set on this he would be GONE!!!! Divorce would be filed!! Most WHs are cowards!!! Please stop with all the "what ifs" and get the exposure over with. It does not matter what moronic rationalizations WH comes up with...they will all be MORONIC!!!

No one is separated or divorced until they are separated or divorced.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by black_raven
SFL, if he doesn't want to be with you, why does he keep coming back home? Why the "goodbye weekend?" If he was so set on this he would be GONE!!!! Divorce would be filed!! Most WHs are cowards!!! Please stop with all the "what ifs" and get the exposure over with. It does not matter what moronic rationalizations WH comes up with...they will all be MORONIC!!!

No one is separated or divorced until they are separated or divorced.

He stayed in a hotel last weekend. He doesn't want to stay with me- just see the kids.


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Originally Posted by SFL
How does this apply if he is already talking about divorcing me? He said, "we are separated and we will be divorcing soon." He wants to come home this weekend and spend time with the kids and I as a "goodbye weekend." And then he will be getting an apartment to crash in LA. I believe he is moving on with this woman and making plans for their future.

We already know all this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SFL
I guess I just mean I will expose, he will be furious, he will say, divorce is coming. So I don't think the words "you will have to end your affair and leave your job if you want to stay with me" applies if he already has said he doesn't want to be with me.
Thoughts?

We want you to say "in order to be with me, you must end your affair and leave your job. Otherwise this will lead to divorce."

Any other questions?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SFL
Originally Posted by black_raven
SFL, if he doesn't want to be with you, why does he keep coming back home? Why the "goodbye weekend?" If he was so set on this he would be GONE!!!! Divorce would be filed!! Most WHs are cowards!!! Please stop with all the "what ifs" and get the exposure over with. It does not matter what moronic rationalizations WH comes up with...they will all be MORONIC!!!

No one is separated or divorced until they are separated or divorced.

He stayed in a hotel last weekend. He doesn't want to stay with me- just see the kids.

Oy...it doesn't matter. You, the kids, you and the kids, his fuzzy slippers, his pet turtle, whatever...my point was he has done nothing of substance other than act like a drama queen...which is typical. If he leaves, then Plan B is all the more easier for you.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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