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I am handling it, probably wrongfully so on my own. I do discuss it with my wife most of the time, but not all of the time. I am working on myself and for her part she has beaten herself up enough. It doesn't make me feel better to hit her with that metaphoric stick any more.

Everytime you discuss it with her, you are beating her up with that metaphoric stick.

Quote:
The gang mentality exhibited here is a little weird and offered me some levity in an otherwise serious situation. So go ahead and beat me up, tell me I am wrong for the 40th time. I kinda like it. So far what I've done has been successful to this point. I'll continue to update our status, unless of course I am banned for not falling in lock step with the mob.

For the record, it's a bit rude to walk into someone else's house and accuse them of having a gang mentality or being a mob.

As for me, I'm proud to be one of the weirdos. This program not only creates passionate marriages out of lives that are in shambles, but it completely affair proofs as well. I wouldn't want to be among the normal crowd -- been there, done that, it was hell.

Last edited by Prisca; 05/21/14 02:54 PM.

Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted By: irresolute
I guess I'll continued to miss the point and that's probably my fault. I am a terrible writer. This forum is pretty specific in it's philosophy. I was just trying to point out that while I used some information here to some degree, I never fully ascribed to the plan. Humiliating my wife for a mistake however big wasn't my style. Am I taking a risk? Sure em. I was just trying to give some hope to others that may be going through the same thing. It can be overcome. I know were not done and complete again but I know where we are and the direction we're heading.


Irresolute, this forum does not advocate humiliation. It advocates exposure, which is the most therapeutic first step towards recovery. You have, unfortunately, skipped this important step which does not bode well for you.

I can only hope you don't skip the other steps, otherwise you are headed towards a death of a thousand cuts. Your situation is very garden variety and I am concerned that you believe that just ending one affair=recovery. In truth, it does not. Most marriages do not recover from infidelity. Rather, they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and wither and die over the years. See, when an affair ends is when the real hard work begins. If these steps are not taken, your marriage won't recover.

So no, I don't see your post as a "gloat," but as a sad story of someone who does not realize he is in trouble. It doesn't seem that you have a plan, and not having a plan is a plan to fail. Here is what it takes to recover a marriage:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Irresolute, this forum does not advocate humiliation. It advocates exposure, which is the most therapeutic first step towards recovery

There is nothing more therapeutic for the wayward. It's like having an infected wound lanced and cleaned. It is necessary for proper healing to take place.


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". But the negativity here and the consistent pessimism isn't helping those you think might need help. I got what I needed from this forum and I am glad I posted here as opposed to others I considered. The gang mentality exhibited here is a little weird and offered me some levity in an otherwise serious situation. So go ahead and beat me up, tell me I am wrong for the 40th time. I kinda like it. So far what I've done has been successful to this point. I'll continue to update our status, unless of course I am banned for not falling in lock step with"

With all due respect, that sounds like the bitterness of someone who was told something he didn't want to hear. It is ungrateful to ask people for help and then condemn them because you don't like the answers. Your post is the only negative thing I see on this thread. People volunteered their own free time to help you and this your thanks? No one had to help you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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irresolute,
your situation is the rare exception(if it works out for you, in the long run).
yes it could work.
yes your wife could suddenly fully repent and y'all could have a "do over"
Literally it is a one in a million shot, congrats you hit the lottery!
I hope we don't see you back in 2 years, saying "wow, was i wrong and stupid"
God speed and good luck. I am skeptical, but wish you the best.

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Originally Posted By: irresolute
But the negativity here and the consistent pessimism isn't helping those you think might need help.


irresolute, these people have been providing the best marriage help possible - some of them have been at it for ten years. It just looks really tacky and ill-advised to lecture them on how to help people. After all, they've been studying under Dr. Willard Harley, the most successful marriage counselor in history, in a field dominated by failure.

I think you would come off a little more positively if you would drop the lecturing tone and stop telling everybody else how to do what they do. People who show up here to talk but not listen are not only rude; they usually miss out on a lot that could have benefited them as well.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: NebDane
irresolute,
your situation is the rare exception(if it works out for you, in the long run).
yes it could work.
yes your wife could suddenly fully repent and y'all could have a "do over"
Literally it is a one in a million shot, congrats you hit the lottery!
I hope we don't see you back in 2 years, saying "wow, was i wrong and stupid"
God speed and good luck. I am skeptical, but wish you the best.


He and his wife seem to be doing a lot of things right, but his main purpose in posting seems to be to justify making certain exceptions. As he said, these exceptions are a BIG RISK. Somehow he thinks he should be lecturing people for being "non-compassionate" for not justifying those exceptions. frown I guess he thinks that "compassion" means watching your friends take huge risks!

It really is rude for him to be here posting like this. I wish he'd get that, because going on and continuing to do it as he is doing is really kind of embarrasing - trying to point this out in the nicest way possible that he is behaving in a really tacky way, not to mention missing out on a lot of good expertise that could help him.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I hope your recovery succeeds.

I just want you to understand precisely what you are up against. It is WAY to early to declare victory! You have much ahead of you. I warn you of that because I want you to succeed. Seeing you deviate from the path is alarming. If you want to trailblaze, that is your choice. We would be negligent not to warn you of the risk. We would be even more negligent of we didn't challenge your assertion to others that the risks are exaggerated here.


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Irresolute,

For someone who is so "resolute" that his marriage is A-OK, I find your username a bit odd.

irresolute

adjective: irresolute

showing or feeling hesitancy; uncertain.

"she stood irresolute outside his door"

synonyms:

indecisive, hesitant, vacillating, equivocating, dithering, wavering, shilly-shallying; More

Or was that your intention all along? Irony.

Last edited by princessmeggy; 05/21/14 04:47 PM. Reason: typo

Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted By: mrEureka
I hope your recovery succeeds.

I just want you to understand precisely what you are up against. It is WAY to early to declare victory! You have much ahead of you. I warn you of that because I want you to succeed. Seeing you deviate from the path is alarming. If you want to trailblaze, that is your choice. We would be negligent not to warn you of the risk. We would be even more negligent of we didn't challenge your assertion to others that the risks are exaggerated here.


x10000

First year of recovery was honeymoon period. He started slipping back into old habits 1.5-2yrs after dday. We are divorced now.

Not exposing backfires EVERY time. My ex had a workplace affair - I didn't expose him there because he voluntarily left the job, NC, EPs and agreed to do everything to fix our M. He had another workplace affair four years later. This is a story I see on these forums OFTEN.

You are on the train tracks and we are telling you the train is coming. You are free to ignore, of course!

Last edited by SusieQ; 05/21/14 07:40 PM.

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Originally Posted By: SusieQ
You are on the train tracks and we are telling you the train is coming. You are free to ignore, of course!


And he IS ignoring it, because His "guess" is that "everybody is different." In particular, HE is different from all of you, the hoi polloi--you know, "the mob."

tl

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