Of course it's not blackmail, you are not extorting anything from him. You are graciously giving him an opportunity to get out of there on good terms since he has taken such a stupid risk with his career.

Good girl!

Be sure and post his response. We will help you navigate his gas lighting.

No, this happens very day.
Your husband isnt the first man to cheat and you arent the first woman to demand that he stop

It might be blackmail if you demanded payment to keep his dirty secret.

It isn't blackmail to tell him you intend to share the news regardless. And his leaving the job would simply be removing the point of telling.

Don't let him offer any kind of settlement terms, let your lawyer talk divorce you only talk marriage.

Of course you fully expect adequate support in the meantime. WITHOUT any strings attached.

SFL,

What was his response?

I posted it last night!

No response. He didn't sleep at all last night (I wonder why?!) so he is probably zonked out. It's 11:15pm our time... I am turning in myself but will post his response as soon as I hear back.

So far the things he has been saying today:
- you are going to ruin everything I've been working so hard for.
- you shamed me. (In reference to me messaging his family.)
- I need to discover who I am again. (In reference to why we should divorce.)

I am still waiting for WS to come home. He will be here in about 30 minutes to wake the kids.

The line above "there is no qualifier about whether or not the WS is willing to recover the marriage" is something I am wondering about.

I texted exactly as Mel said, but I added in cut off OW completely and come home and do the program.

His attempt of gaslighting included earlier yesterday was "I am divorcing you so even if I lose my job that won't change."

Of course the ideal would be that he agrees to leave his job gracefully, stop all contact with OW and agree to do the program with me (and that is what he responded to last night by saying "is that the ultimatum?" and "Let me think about it, we'll talk about this tomorrow." )

Just wondering what I should say if he comes home saying he is planning on coming up with a way to leave the job because he can't have it over his head that I'll make the call and "ruin his career." but that he's still divorcing me?

that's kind of what he said yesterday at one point.... So I know he is terrified I'll make the call and he IS trying to figure out a way to leave the job- but still trying to hold on to OW and that we are divorcing.

His response when he came home was:
"I will talk to my boss on Monday and leave my job, tone down my friendship with OW, but I will not do the program with you and we will figure out a way to be separate, divorced parents."

SFL, that is just fine. You have got his agreement to leave the job. That remains to be seen. Just drop it for the rest of the weekend. When he leaves, make a plan to go into Plan B.

Just STICK to your guns about exposing at work because that is the KEY to a) saving your marriage and b) protecting your source of income and c) getting him away from the OW. If he stays there the affair will continue and he will likely get fired when the word gets out.

If he leaves the job the OW will most likely dump him anyway because she won't have his salary and he won't be there in Utah.

And DO NOT negotiate any separation with him. Tell him you won't agree to anything, that you will just let the lawyers work all that out.

He keeps on wanting to have a discussion and is acting horribly in front of the children. Very angry towards me. I said I don't have the power to ruin his career and he keeps on saying yes you do yes you do. Very angry. I am taking my oldest with me to their house because he just won't stop.

Because he is trying to draw you into an argument to rationalize his affair.

Don't take the bait. Put on your best Plan A until he leaves.

Yup. Just say "I don't talk divorce/separation. I only will talk marriage/recovery."

You are doing great!! Just say "If your career is ruined it will be because of your affair. I am sorry you chose to have an affair at work."

Then refuse to discuss it anymore. Just leave and go elsewhere.

Will do. He also keeps saying "i can't be nice to you because you have threatened me." (Saying I will expose if he doesn't leave on his own.)

You aren't making any threats at all! You are making a PROMISE!

His angry behavior can be twice as tiring for him as it is for you. Just keep acting like it is water off your back and avoid engaging him or taking the bait. If you don't engage, he only gets himself worked up.

Go somewhere else as needed. Plan A as best you can. You are the beautiful, self possessed, woman of substance!

Let him worry about the job while YOU calmly get to your lawyer and file FIRST.

All his emotional thrashing about will create chaos and conflict in affair land.

Your exposure has obviously had an incredible impact. He has gone from wanting to leave you for Utah, affair and job, to contemplating leaving his job. Keep it up! Take a walk with the children if it gets too much for you. Or go to the zoo with them or something, he can tag along if he want and if he tries to start a fight you say: "Can you believe what that monkey just did?"

Remember, if he is aggravated, you have hit the target. Stay calm and be your best self.

Great job on the exposure, SFL! Yeah!!