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Originally Posted by SFL
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
If you want to divorce, you can often make demands that the wayward will agree to and get them met.
Harley discussed this on the Radio once, that a betrayed spouse can in some ways benefit during divorce if the wayward is focused on the affair because they will give up everything to keep the affair as the priority.

JEdi_Knight- do you mean if I don't expose at work?

I don't remember the full context of the Radio Call but to answer your question, yes.
The purpose of exposure is two fold: It provides support for the betrayed spouse from family and friends. It also brings the affair into the light of day and causes stress on the affair particpants.
MOST AFFAIRS DIE FOLLOWING PROPER EXPOSURE, which is why Dr. Harley stresses the importance of Exposure being the first step in killing an affair.

However, if you want a divorce and do not want to recover your marriage then Plan B, followed by an expedited divorce may serve you well. If you want to get healthy alimony and child support then there would be no point in workplace exposure during divorce because you dont want to recover or mess up your check.

Also, that would kind of hang over his head during negotiations.

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Originally Posted by SFL
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Also, have you sent the OW a link to the cheaterville posting? If not, I would do that tonight.

Melody Lane- I have not :-/ I don't know why I"m scared of that but I am. It seems 'spiteful' Reaching out to family friends held the "Just trying to salvage our marriage" reasoning much more than a public posting of her on cheaterville....

But of course I would love your insight. smile

Just so you know, DR HARLEY is the one who told us about Cheaterville. You should not be "spiteful," but you should send her the link to that posting so she knows she has been exposed. You can do it anonymously from cheaterville.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by SFL
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
If you want to divorce, you can often make demands that the wayward will agree to and get them met.
Harley discussed this on the Radio once, that a betrayed spouse can in some ways benefit during divorce if the wayward is focused on the affair because they will give up everything to keep the affair as the priority.

JEdi_Knight- do you mean if I don't expose at work?

I don't remember the full context of the Radio Call but to answer your question, yes.
The purpose of exposure is two fold: It provides support for the betrayed spouse from family and friends. It also brings the affair into the light of day and causes stress on the affair particpants.
MOST AFFAIRS DIE FOLLOWING PROPER EXPOSURE, which is why Dr. Harley stresses the importance of Exposure being the first step in killing an affair.

However, if you want a divorce and do not want to recover your marriage then Plan B, followed by an expedited divorce may serve you well. If you want to get healthy alimony and child support then there would be no point in workplace exposure during divorce because you dont want to recover or mess up your check.

Also, that would kind of hang over his head during negotiations.

I have already been over this ad nauseum with her and she is following Dr Harley's instructions in SAA to give him 30 days to leave his job. She does not know if she wants to get divorced.

Please don't cause more confusion than there already is.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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SFL, exposure is not "spiteful," having an affair with a married man is spiteful and cruel.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
SFL, exposure is not "spiteful," having an affair with a married man is spiteful and cruel.

It isn't even impolite to post and expose her adultery!
As long as you tell the truth there is nothing wrong with that!
If she is proud of her behavior then she will be happy. if she isnt proud then maybe she will need to consider changing the behavior.

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Originally Posted by SFL
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Also, have you sent the OW a link to the cheaterville posting? If not, I would do that tonight.

Melody Lane- I have not :-/ I don't know why I"m scared of that but I am. It seems 'spiteful' Reaching out to family friends held the "Just trying to salvage our marriage" reasoning much more than a public posting of her on cheaterville....

But of course I would love your insight. smile

Don't cover up for her. She is not covering up her adultery with your husband! She is loud and proud! You have nothing to hide. Don't help her hide her filthy secret.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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SFL
Today you once again held your own. Brave Woman!
Your children are fortunate to have such a champion as you are proving to be.

Whatever happens, you are going to recover personally. I'm certain of that.


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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Thank you everyone.
Ok. Now I am sure I want a divorce. I really am sure. Still do Plan B with no co contact right? I already threatened exposure and I think he will forever hate me for that- My lawyer will shake her head too I am sure....

I really am sure I want Plan D. what now?


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Originally Posted by SFL
Thank you everyone.
Ok. Now I am sure I want a divorce. I really am sure. Still do Plan B with no co contact right? I already threatened exposure and I think he will forever hate me for that- My lawyer will shake her head too I am sure....

I really am sure I want Plan D. what now?

Stick with the plan. He is not supposed to like you for interfering with his affair. That is not the goal.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Stick with the plan. He is not supposed to like you for interfering with his affair. That is not the goal.

My goal right now is to get divorced and get as much for my children and I as I can. I understand the previous post that "eventually he'd get found out and fired." but it might not be for awhile and he'll have more time to secure another job if I don't force him to. Up until I threatened workplace exposure HE was the bad guy. He still is of course the bad guy but I don't know if he'll ever believe I was threatning workplace exposure for our benefit....

Do you really think a man who chose his career (and pursuit of other women) over his family will ever get that? (true question- I am wondering what you think)
Thank you!


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Anyone?? If I am sure of Plan D... won't workplace exposure just mess up my Alimony, etc?


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Originally Posted by SFL
Anyone?? If I am sure of Plan D... won't workplace exposure just mess up my Alimony, etc?

If you are "sure" then wouldn't that be an important little factoid to tell the people who are ,posting to you?? Why in the world wouldn't you just make plans to go file for divorce on Tuesday and be done with it??


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by SFL
Do I have any power to chance at saying "don't file for divorce, leave your job and do the program with me?" Is there any way or is it to far gone?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by SFL
Ok- so filing doesn't mean that it has to be completed and or final?
I actually texted him back saying "bending over backwards means ending your affair, leaving your job gracefully, and coming home and doing the program together." He then texted back and said "is that the ultimatum?" Then he called me and said let's talk about it tomorrow and that he'd think about it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by SFL
Ok- I know the purpose of this is to MB but, I'm at a place right now that I think it's best that we aren't together. I think I'd like Plan D. There have been so many lies. So many. Don't think I can ever trust him again. With him in his current job, I know exactly how much I'll get a month and it's a nice amount. Might have to make a few adjustments but it's pretty good.. If he leaves, it could take 3-6 months for him to get something else and that would cut what my kids and I would get significantly. The last 2 times he was between jobs that's how long it took and we had to dwindle our savings. He consulted as well but he got much less. if we D and he's not in his current job and is instead consulting the Alimony/Child Support would be based on his lesser employment and that would not be good as it is now. Is that right?

Please advise. Thank you all so much.

Melody Lane I did start out hoping there was a chance but I did write this (quoted) yesterday. I got some responses saying to still move forward because it will protect me in the end because he will eventually get fired anyway... So that's what I was doing. I was 99% sure yesterday. And today, I'm 100%. I still get that "going out" like I was still trying to salvage my marriage would protect me from the way that I "killed the affair" so I just kept on following the plan. My specific question was the last sentence- "If we D and he's not in his current job and is instead consulting, the alimony/child support would be based on his lesser employment and that would not be as good as it is now. Is that right?" To protect me from my actions of exposing, it seems as if Plan B (lots of love and saying that I'd like to make us work IF he does a, b, & c. makes sense.)
The reason it is TODAY that I am 100% sure, is because I spoke to my son and really saw this is for the best. Today, my 6 year old son said, "I will be happy to see daddy on saturdays but, can we get a new daddy to live with us during the week? Daddy hasn't talked to me since I was 4 years old. All he does is lay on the couch and and sleep." This really opened my eyes to realize that my WH has been disconnected for 2 years, and after a day at the beach with other people that really wanted to hear what he had to say, just put the nail in the coffin.

So, that being said, I'd like to protect myself from exposing, etc. I think Plan B helps with that but I think work exposure will prevent me from having as much leverage as possible during divorce negotiations. But if I'm wrong, please let me know what you think!


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This affair and career path your husband is on is crushing everything in its path. The affair itself is the tornado. Exposing the affair to your husbands employer is pointing out the tornado not just moving through your home and hearth but straight through the employers premises ---a huge liability. You could walk away with a divorce and possible alimony as presently described by your attorney. But I hope you aren't going to depend on it because it likely won't be long before your husbands entire ruse is up at work too. Your better off to either expose and seek recovery or expose and divorce. If the employer is hammered with a suit along with your husbands job loss, your resources will dry up too. And do you think he's paying attention at work?


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married 35 years
2 adult children
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"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Originally Posted by SFL
Do you really think a man who chose his career (and pursuit of other women) over his family will ever get that? (true question- I am wondering what you think)
Thank you!


Yes there are many former wayward husbands who post on MB. They were cruel and heartless during their affair but their families are now central to them and they try to now help pthers avoid their mistakes. Perhaps you should read some of Gloveoil's posts.

You are talking to a woman who chose divorce and I was pretty to keen to hit that divorce button early on. However DO wait before you make such a serious decision. It may be that in a few months your H is a full blown MBer who is devastated over what he has done to you. Would you still feel the same about a D then? It's very early days for you and normal to keep going up and down about it.

He's still likely to get found out and I don't think it will be very long. In fact I'd be surprised if he makes it out of the month's deadline you set him unscathed. Waywards, even paranoid ones, are not careful creatures.

Originally Posted by SFL
[that would cut what my kids and I would get significantly. The last 2 times he was between jobs that's how long it took and we had to dwindle our savings. He consulted as well but he got much less. if we D and he's not in his current job and is instead consulting the Alimony/Child Support would be based on his lesser employment and that would not be good as it is now. Is that right?

........
. Today, my 6 year old son said, "I will be happy to see daddy on saturdays but, can we get a new daddy to live with us during the week? Daddy hasn't talked to me since I was 4 years old. All he does is lay on the couch and and sleep." This really opened my eyes to realize that my WH has been disconnected for 2 years, and after a day at the beach with other people that really wanted to hear what he had to say, just put the nail in the coffin.


I am so pleased that you exposed to your little boy so that he knows it wasn't his fault. Do you see how he is putting it together?

Rather than destroying his dad's image he now understands his odd behaviour - behaviour that was already hurting him and destroying the love between them.


You might have to downsize your lifestyle financially, but just think what more of this type of Plan B style-outing can do for your kids.

They might not have as much stuff, but they will have you, happy and healthy and showing them how to not just survive, but thrive.


Last edited by indiegirl; 05/27/14 03:34 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Part of plan B preparation involves protecting assets from your WW impulsive spending, or concealing. Can you, today, move at least half of the balance in any joint bank accounts to accounts in your name only?

It wouldn't hurt to think about closing any joint credit accounts where your ww could run up debts (say buying girl shoes at Nordstroms), that you would share responsibility for.

Can you check account activity online? Wouldn't purchases made in Utah while both you and ww were in ca be suspicious activity that you should report to the card issuer? Best to have your compromised account numbers blocked and new cards sent out (to your home address).


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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Originally Posted by SFL
Do you really think a man who chose his career (and pursuit of other women) over his family will ever get that? (true question- I am wondering what you think)
Thank you!

It can happen but it also may not happen with yours...mine never got it so I divorced him.

You might as well file for D. In CA, the earliest a divorce can be granted is six months from filing. If something changes during that time that makes you want to reconsider divorce, you can delay it further or withdraw it. You told WH he had thirty days...I would not retract that for now. Between that and filing, he may wake up...he may not but you can at least see how he reacts. When the reality of divorce (in black and white) is staring him in the face on top of the exposure fallout, he may see the light.

File and ask for what you want. You are in a favorable position. Be sure to ask that when he does have the children, that no non-family member females are allowed to stay overnight and specifically name the OWs as never being able to have any contact with your children. In my state, the no overnights is a standing order that is automatically issued when D is filed. If CA doesn't have that make sure you ask for it, along with anything else you need to ensure your children are protected. In my divorce decree, I do have the my ex's OWs can never have contact with my children...they are both specifically named.



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by SFL
[Melody Lane I did start out hoping there was a chance but I did write this (quoted) yesterday. I got some responses saying to still move forward because it will protect me in the end because he will eventually get fired anyway... So that's what I was doing. I was 99% sure yesterday. And today, I'm 100%

In that case, all you need to do is go file for divorce and be done with it. You would send him a much different Plan B letter, though. Since you are not trying to save the marriage, you wouldn't send him a love letter with your conditions, but a request to not contact you directly.

Are you going to see your attorney today?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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