It started two days ago when he decided to put financial papers into my son's school bag. I didn't know what they were so of course I looked at them.
Maybe this triggered me I don't know.
Last night I worked late and as I was driving home I had a feeling he might be working late by himself so I decided to drive past his work and see. He was there by himself and my head was telling me not to go in but my heart took over and in I went to see him.
After five weeks I thought he must be missing me like crazy and I expected a happy reaction from him but this did not happen.
He said he was happy to see me but he seemed very edgy.
I told him to be honest with me and asked him if he was still coming back to me by our anniversary in December like he promised. He said he can't make promises anymore.
He said he's sorry that I'm still hurting.
I asked if he loved her. He simply said to my face 'Yes I love her'
He said he loves me too and our love is special. But he feels responsible for her. I pointed to a picture of our son on his desk and said 'What about the love of your family'?
He then admitted to me that he was a coward and he was taking the easy way out. He said my whole family love her and they all get on so well.
He kept going on about himself saying 'My life is in turmoil. I don't know where I am going to be in 5 years'.
He visibly looked distraught and worn down and couldn't go on anymore. I've never seen him like this. Is this him hitting rock bottom?
To make things worse he then said ' I don't want to live a life of lies anymore. He said he is now living as an honest person and telling OW everything!!
I said you are not living a life as an honest person because you are having an affair. He said 'I know I know'.
He then tells me I shouldn't have come because that isn't what Plan B is about!! I said 'And having an affair is not what MB is about either'.
Then the final knife got twisted into my heart
OW called up on his phone while I was there and he said 'I have to talk to her I'm sorry.' He kept apologising. So in front of me he started talking to her in a loving voice. He told her 'She's here (meaning me). Yes she's been here half an hour. She's come to see if there is one final chance with me'.
It hurt so much the way he spoke to her in that voice. Only 2 months ago he spoke to me like that on the phone.
Then after he got off the phone he told me she was angry that I had come and that she would probably start pushing again for him to divorce me.
Then he started to try and shoo me out the door because she was probably on her way over.
I told him to kiss me and tell me if he could still feel the love. He kept saying 'I can't kiss you until I am a free man'.
And then he kissed me anyway and he said he could feel it.
He did have the love in his eyes for me still and I know he loves me.
But I just don't think it's enough for him. I said to him are you staying with her? And he said Yes for now.
And the only reason they would break up would be if she left him because he is a coward and won't do it himself.
He seemed like a very confused fogged out alien who was about to have a nervous break down.
He kept calling me babe and darling like he used to. It's like there is a big fight going on inside him.
She will continue to stay with him and I know she won't leave.
Oh and I said I thought you were miserable with her. And he said 'Why do you think I'm here at work on a Friday night at 6pm and not at home with her'? He always told me he worked late to as avoid going home to her.
He's giving me confusing signals all over the place. Being loving to her on the phone, but still working back late at night to avoid her.
All night I've been dreaming about him. I haven't dreamt about him for ages. All my dreams last night were scenarios where I was chasing him and he kept pushing me away
I'm off overseas in 12 days and after this I can't even get excited.
I'm so sorry.