Don't bother to try and educate a wayward spouse. It won't work and it won't reach him, and it will make you feel even worse.

He's pretty typical and 95 pc of them end within two years. It's just addiction. Addiction means you won't give up something so you have to twist yout thoughts and morals to fit the addiction.

Its just rationalization and excuses



However you need to get past the stage of thinking about him. You need to live your life for you and your son alone and make all your decisions as though he won't return. That way you will be in the strongest position possible when that two year mark comes.

You don't need to worry about the fog till it's time to come out of PB. Right now, all it is, is a distraction. Don't scratch the mosquito bite.

Thanks everyone. I think I should just divorce him. I know it's over and he's not coming back.

Filing for divorce isn't a magic bullet. It won't make you feel better overnight. You still have to do the work and put yourself back together.

If YOU want to divorce him, then do it. If you think recovery would be too arduous, or you don't want to wait in Plan B for an extended length of time, then you have every right to a D.

But don't do it because of what he is/ isn't thinking or will / won't do. You have absolutely no idea and cannot possibly guess at it.

I want to divorce him because I failed Plan B and he treated me in the most appalling fashion and I have now seen his addiction at it's ugliest. I never truly realised how foggy he was.

I can't deal with this pain anymore. I'm sorry I failed. I'm sorry for everyone who tried to help me. After 5 weeks of Plan B I made a stupid on the spur of the moment decision. I can't believe it myself.

He's in with her hook line and sinker and he has proved it beyond a doubt. So sad and devastated that I failed this and undone my hard work. Can't stop crying again and he doesn't really care after all. So much for believing all his promises.

I want to get back in Plan B but I really think he is lost forever.

I think after my major stuff up I have lost him for good and yes it is too late.

What did you do?

Breathe, reboot. Tell us so we can help.

It started two days ago when he decided to put financial papers into my son's school bag. I didn't know what they were so of course I looked at them.

Maybe this triggered me I don't know.

Last night I worked late and as I was driving home I had a feeling he might be working late by himself so I decided to drive past his work and see. He was there by himself and my head was telling me not to go in but my heart took over and in I went to see him.

After five weeks I thought he must be missing me like crazy and I expected a happy reaction from him but this did not happen.

He said he was happy to see me but he seemed very edgy.

I told him to be honest with me and asked him if he was still coming back to me by our anniversary in December like he promised. He said he can't make promises anymore.

He said he's sorry that I'm still hurting.

I asked if he loved her. He simply said to my face 'Yes I love her'

He said he loves me too and our love is special. But he feels responsible for her. I pointed to a picture of our son on his desk and said 'What about the love of your family'?

He then admitted to me that he was a coward and he was taking the easy way out. He said my whole family love her and they all get on so well.

He kept going on about himself saying 'My life is in turmoil. I don't know where I am going to be in 5 years'.

He visibly looked distraught and worn down and couldn't go on anymore. I've never seen him like this. Is this him hitting rock bottom?

To make things worse he then said ' I don't want to live a life of lies anymore. He said he is now living as an honest person and telling OW everything!!

I said you are not living a life as an honest person because you are having an affair. He said 'I know I know'.

He then tells me I shouldn't have come because that isn't what Plan B is about!! I said 'And having an affair is not what MB is about either'.

Then the final knife got twisted into my heart

OW called up on his phone while I was there and he said 'I have to talk to her I'm sorry.' He kept apologising. So in front of me he started talking to her in a loving voice. He told her 'She's here (meaning me). Yes she's been here half an hour. She's come to see if there is one final chance with me'.

It hurt so much the way he spoke to her in that voice. Only 2 months ago he spoke to me like that on the phone.

Then after he got off the phone he told me she was angry that I had come and that she would probably start pushing again for him to divorce me.

Then he started to try and shoo me out the door because she was probably on her way over.

I told him to kiss me and tell me if he could still feel the love. He kept saying 'I can't kiss you until I am a free man'.
And then he kissed me anyway and he said he could feel it.

He did have the love in his eyes for me still and I know he loves me.

But I just don't think it's enough for him. I said to him are you staying with her? And he said Yes for now.

And the only reason they would break up would be if she left him because he is a coward and won't do it himself.

He seemed like a very confused fogged out alien who was about to have a nervous break down.

He kept calling me babe and darling like he used to. It's like there is a big fight going on inside him.

She will continue to stay with him and I know she won't leave.

Oh and I said I thought you were miserable with her. And he said 'Why do you think I'm here at work on a Friday night at 6pm and not at home with her'? He always told me he worked late to as avoid going home to her.

He's giving me confusing signals all over the place. Being loving to her on the phone, but still working back late at night to avoid her.


All night I've been dreaming about him. I haven't dreamt about him for ages. All my dreams last night were scenarios where I was chasing him and he kept pushing me away

I'm off overseas in 12 days and after this I can't even get excited.

I'm so sorry.

Whether he is lost forever or not has absolutely NO BEARING on your Plan B whatsoever.

That is NOT the point of Plan B!!! I suspected and I told you as much earlier in the thread that you were using Plan B as a tool to win back your WH.

That is NOT the point of Plan B. This is:



Are you ready to do Plan B for the right reasons this time??

Is this what you want for your future? To keep getting sucked into this type of drama over and over for the next 1, 2, 5 years??

Or would you like to eventually be in a place where you really could care less what the wayturds are doing?

You need to decide.

You've let down yourself, not us. All you've discovered is that Plan B breaks simply are NOT worth it. If he hasn't gone to your IM completely hat in hand - that means something! It means the cookies are not done and you'll only be making a soggy mess by peeking.

Any wayward - 100 pc of them - given the chance to cake eat - WILL CAKE EAT. He got a kiss, a good ego boost, and even got the chance to reignite the drama with his OW.

So you're back to square one, but that's OK. 12 days is time to do some solid healing before your holiday. Then you can make up for this lapse by going dark for real, never breaking until your conditions are met.

Tell your IM if you haven't already.


Oh and the next time he puts stuff in your path that triggers you - TELL US.

Susie No I don't want this for my future at all.

I admit when I first started doing Plan B I wanted to win him back. And as the weeks passed I started seeing the benefits of getting myself better and healed and not dealing with the drama anymore.

And now I've relapsed into the mind frame of wanting him back.

'I'm so sorry' I guess that's an apology to yourself. You know in your head Plan B has been good for you. You know in your heart it has too. Go back on your own thread and look at the strength you found in yourself. It's still there.

Indie yes I have let myself down big time. I've let my son down by not being strong for him.

I told my IM about the papers in my son's bag and she was horrified that my son was used a messenger.

Do you still think WH and OW will split up or will this make her more determined than ever?

I have to pull myself up from this mess.

Yes I am very sorry that I did this to myself and undid everything.

I broke my own plan B and it set me back. I realised the only dramas were the ones I made myself. I haven't posted for a while as all the advice and inspiration came from reading other threads. Yours has been a good one and can continue to be. Your thread your life your choice. Make it a good one I look forward to hearing about your trip

First step: Stop it with this:

We don't care about WH and OW, not one bit and we're not going to let you keep going on and on about their drama, so please stop.

Yes, it's there. You are strong, Rock when you let yourself be you.



On a few occasions, I've answered some questions about the wayward mindset because I thought you were interested academically and informing your choice. I'm done answering these questions and I think you should be done letting your mind dwell here. Waywardism is no longer your business. How long they they take hits from the crack pipe is not your concern. Live like he isn't coming back.

Stop fearing it. Fear has claimed you for a slave.

Fear is the mind killer. Fear is numb stupidity. Fear is the little death.

I'd like to see you live.