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When you described your conversation of a couple days ago, you said both of you were wondering the same thing - how long could you keep up the LDR - and the conversation "went downhill quickly after that."

How about steering today's conversation towards that subject, but try to address the topic objectively. Ask yourselves honestly, how long are YOU willing to continue the LDR? How long is she?

If you reach a point where you both agree to try keeping the relationship going long enough for one or both of you to relocate, then at that point, you can bring up the mood swings. You could say that given the fact that her mood swings ended a previous relationship, you want to understand her emotions better so the same thing won't happen again.

If you can get conversation going along those lines, you might ask her if she'd be willing to go to couples counseling to help both of you understand her emotions. That sounds better than suggesting she see a clinical psychologist.

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You have not struck a nerve with me. I'm trying to help you.

I have no doubt you are trying to do your best.

I really think you would do well to read Lovebusters. If not for this relationship, then for future ones.

Even if you move on and find another woman, you will find that she will do things that you find odd. She may not want to talk about it. You cannot force her.

Like I said before, you can tell her that this behavior bothers you. You can ask her if she is willing to do anything about it. That's just about it.

If she's not, I certainly wouldn't continue a relationship with her. It will only continue to bother you, even if she doesn't have a problem, and you would be continually put in a situation where you would feel the need to make a judgement or demand.


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I wouldn't talk about relocating if the mood swings bother you this much. I would be upfront and gently tell her that they bother you. Ask her if she is willing to do anything about it.

If yes, great.

If not, move on.


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Do you see the difference between saying "This bothers me, are you willing to do something about it?" and saying "Have you seen a psychologist? Because I think you need to see one."

It's a subtle difference, but there is one. Can you see it?


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OK, I appreciate all of the advice. I would have handled the phone call completely the wrong way had I not gotten input here.

How does this sound?

1. I bring up the LDR. Ask how she feels about it? Can we keep doing it for another year? I find the LDR hard but I can deal with it if we can address item 3 below.

2. I ask what I can do (since that is all I control) to be a better partner for her. (I am sure anything she requests will not be unreasonable).

3. If we get to this point, I let her know that her mood swings place a big strain on the relationship. And that is truly the only problem I have with her personally. If we can't get past that, we break it off.

Does the above sound ok?


KeepLearning - The conversation went downhill quickly on the LDR when she asked me what I thought about it. I told her honestly that it was harder than I expected. She then asked what we should do about it, I said "I don't know". <- That was the wrong answer but I wasn't prepared for the question. That is when it started spiraling downhill.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Do you see the difference between saying "This bothers me, are you willing to do something about it?" and saying "Have you seen a psychologist? Because I think you need to see one."

It's a subtle difference, but there is one. Can you see it?

Yes - there is a big difference. The first question is a very caring approach and the 2nd is insulting and controlling.

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Originally Posted by BHINWI
If we get to this point, I let her know that her mood swings place a big strain on the relationship. And that is truly the only problem I have with her personally. If we can't past that, we break it off.

How are you going to say this point?


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Originally Posted by Prisca
I wouldn't talk about relocating if the mood swings bother you this much. I would be upfront and gently tell her that they bother you. Ask her if she is willing to do anything about it.

If yes, great.

If not, move on.
I guess Prisca's point is, if she's not willing to do anything about something that bothers you, then that gives a definitive answer as to whether you should continue the relationship.

I was looking at it the other way; if you can't agree to keep the relationship going long enough til relocation is possible, then what's the point of trying to understand her mood swings.

Originally Posted by Prisca
Do you see the difference between saying "This bothers me, are you willing to do something about it?" and saying "Have you seen a psychologist? Because I think you need to see one."

It's a subtle difference, but there is one. Can you see it?
I like Prisca's example of the difference in the two ways you can address her mood swings. It may be a subtle difference, but I think it's a very important one.

Good luck with your conversation. Let us know how things turn out.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by BHINWI
If we get to this point, I let her know that her mood swings place a big strain on the relationship. And that is truly the only problem I have with her personally. If we can't past that, we break it off.

How are you going to say this point?

This is very important. Probably the most important. Post here exactly what you plan to say, word for word.


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Originally Posted by BHINWI
How does this sound?

1. I bring up the LDR. Ask how she feels about it? Can we keep doing it for another year? I find the LDR hard but I can deal with it if we can address item 3 below.

2. I ask what I can do (since that is all I control) to be a better partner for her. (I am sure anything she requests will not be unreasonable).

3. If we get to this point, I let her know that her mood swings place a big strain on the relationship. And that is truly the only problem I have with her personally. If we can't get past that, we break it off.

Does the above sound ok?
Yes, and I like point 2 because it shows you really care about her and the relationship. If you get to point 3, her answer will tell you how much she cares about you.

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Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by BHINWI
If we get to this point, I let her know that her mood swings place a big strain on the relationship. And that is truly the only problem I have with her personally. If we can't past that, we break it off.

How are you going to say this point?

This is very important. Probably the most important. Post here exactly what you plan to say, word for word.
I agree. This is definitely the crux of your conversation, and you should think carefully about how to have it. Especially if you have it on a phone, since there's no way to get facial expression feedback.

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I guess Prisca's point is, if she's not willing to do anything about something that bothers you, then that gives a definitive answer as to whether you should continue the relationship.
Yes. There is no point in continuing a relationship with someone who will not do anything about something that bothers you.

Quote
I was looking at it the other way; if you can't agree to keep the relationship going long enough til relocation is possible, then what's the point of trying to understand her mood swings.
Why even contemplate relocating if she is not willing to do something about what bothers him? He can find out today, very quickly, if she is willing. He doesn't have to try to understand her mood swings, he just needs to know if she is willing to do something about them. A simple yes or no.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I guess Prisca's point is, if she's not willing to do anything about something that bothers you, then that gives a definitive answer as to whether you should continue the relationship.
Yes. There is no point in continuing a relationship with someone who will not do anything about something that bothers you.

Quote
I was looking at it the other way; if you can't agree to keep the relationship going long enough til relocation is possible, then what's the point of trying to understand her mood swings.
Why even contemplate relocating if she is not willing to do something about what bothers him? He can find out today, very quickly, if she is willing. He doesn't have to try to understand her mood swings, he just needs to know if she is willing to do something about them. A simple yes or no.
I agree. I think point #3 should be the #1 point. Because if she isn't willing to do something about it then there's no reason to worry about relocating.

It's all in how you phrase it.


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OK, the clock is ticking to my phone call this afternoon. (She may not even answer as it may be over anyway).

No relocation talk first.

I will ask her first what needs I am not fulfilling for her. I need to listen carefully to what she has to say.

I then bring up the mood swings. I need to be specific and not just say, "You are moody". Finding her curled up in the fetal position, kissing me one minute and not talking to me the next all concerns me. I will ask if she is willing to talk to me more about that?

Last edited by BHINWI; 08/22/14 10:58 AM.
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Originally Posted by Prisca
Why even contemplate relocating if she is not willing to do something about what bothers him? He can find out today, very quickly, if she is willing. He doesn't have to try to understand her mood swings, he just needs to know if she is willing to do something about them. A simple yes or no.
I was simply offering another way of looking at things.

If she IS willing to do something about her mood swings, it most likely will involve the two of them, and it could possibly take a lot of effort/time to understand what's going on.

If they have a conversation about the long-distance nature of their relationship and one or both of them decide they don't want to continue, then that could be a simple yes or no as well.

BHINWI is in a difficult position, and I think multiple options can help him think through a solution.

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I wouldn't even use the words "moody" or "mood swings." They can be very loaded.

Use the phrase "It bothers me." Stick to very simple and specific. "It bothers me when I find you curled up in the fetal position, or when we are kissing one minute but then you won't talk to me the next. Are these things you are willing to do anything about?"



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Originally Posted by BHINWI
OK, the clock is ticking to my phone call this afternoon.
Good luck! Hope it goes well.

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Everyone,

First of all thank you!!! I would have approached this phone call much differently without your input. It made all the difference on the outcome.

Here is how it went:

She felt that we did not break up, but had our first fight. She wants to continue with the relationship.

After talking about "our" moods (mine included) we came to the conclusion that we focus too much on each other's and then feel responsible to "fix" the other person's mood (I was surprised that she felt that way about me also.) She reiterated that when she is in a mood, depending on the situation, she takes it hard, works through it and moves on. She said that is just the way she is. I guess I need to realize she senses my "moods" also.

She noticed I was quiet at times at her place (hence my "mood") and I told her why. I missed my son terribly. He is on vacation with his mom and I have never been away from him that long. She thought I was unhappy with her.

I told her when we had the LDR discussion, I thought she was trying to get me to the dirty work of breaking up. She said that was not the case at all. That is why the discussion soured so quickly because I said I would leave if that is what she wanted (and it is not what she wanted or me).

We also discussed our visits. It is sometimes tough when we "move" in the other persons place while trying to get to know them. The host feels like they have to please the guest all of the time. If we continue this relationship (which she wants and me also), we may make the visits shorter in duration.

Lastly I learned something today from the posts I read here. I initially was approaching this problem as someone that I absolutely do not want to be and that is controlling. She as well as me, has every right to be "moody". I have no right to tell her how to feel.

We decided we are going to keep talking on the phone and decide if there will be another visit down the road.

Am ordering more Harley books tonight.

Thanks again everyone.


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Awesome!! I'm happy things worked out well for both you and her. Sounds like you had a good conversation.

A book I recently started is He Wins, She Wins. I'm enjoying it a lot and recommend it.

BTW, the title of your thread is now out-of-date smile

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Another good book while dating is: Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Have you read it? Have you introduced your GF to MB yet?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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