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Sorry for jumping in, but I have followed the entire thread.
Are you going to get a copy of the Police Report?
That would prevent the, "He Said - She Said" scenario completely.
Also, Dr. Harley commented that
Quote: Dr. Harley
"Regarding your ex-husband's situation, what evidence do you have that he did this?"
End Quote
It "Seems" as if Dr. Harley was never made aware of the factual availability of the authentic Police Report.
Is that accurate?
Quote: Dr. Harley
"Then you simply tell them the facts starting with the police coming to your door. Tell them that you didn�t want your husband to go to jail, and so encouraged him to hire an attorney who would present the case as a he said � she said situation."
End Quote:
You have the availability to prove beyond a shadow of any doubt the full and accurate details, instead of just Your Word versus His Word.
LTL
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So when will you be telling them?
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awesome!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It "Seems" as if Dr. Harley was never made aware of the factual availability of the authentic Police Report.
Is that accurate?
Quote: Dr. Harley
"Then you simply tell them the facts starting with the police coming to your door. Tell them that you didn�t want your husband to go to jail, and so encouraged him to hire an attorney who would present the case as a he said � she said situation."
End Quote:
You have the availability to prove beyond a shadow of any doubt the full and accurate details, instead of just Your Word versus His Word.
LTL Dr. Harley references in his answer that the police were involved, so he knows as much as I know about a police report. When police come to someone's door to investigate, I assume there is a police report filed. I am sure Dr. Harley would make the same assumption.
Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.
Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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It "Seems" as if Dr. Harley was never made aware of the factual availability of the authentic Police Report. I don't know what "factual availability" and "authentic Police report" adds to this discussion. I know there must be a police report because police came to my door and asked my xH to come down to the station. That's all I know about a police report. "Factual"/"authentic report" or possession of same are things I have never represented in my posts. Dr. Harley gave his advice, followed up with a clarification while KNOWING that police WERE involved, and I am putting the matter to rest in the manner he described I should.
Last edited by Sunnytimes; 06/22/15 04:06 PM. Reason: clarification
Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.
Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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Seriously, I am not trying to just pile on, so please don't take it that way, okay.
You are "Assuming" way too much.
You DO have the right to request the Police Report.
The actual Police Report would dispel any He Said - She Said discrepancies.
Your children would know the truth, with Proven Facts, not just words.
It seems like it would be the right and truthful thing to do.
Everyone can Assume that there is a Police Report, but take away any doubt and get it and use it to back up the facts and your version of what gets truthfully discussed with your children.
LTL
Last edited by LearnedTooLate; 06/22/15 04:23 PM.
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With respect to exposure or disruption to the girls' relationship with their father: Regarding your ex-husband's situation, what evidence do you have that he did this? Did the girl tell you about it? Unless there is proof beyond your husband�s admission (which he could now deny), I wouldn�t mention it to the girls. I would, however, encourage your husband to tell the girls about it, so that they don�t hear it from someone else years from now. He probably won�t tell them, and a few years from now, you might tell them yourself. But I wouldn�t worry about the effect that it would have on the girls if they were to find out about it. My perspective on truth is that as painful as it is sometimes, it�s always worth having. "One more thought. Since your husband has visitation rights to the daughters, and may actually live with him after they are 18, it would probably be a good idea to tell them about the incident, and not wait for your husband to do it first. You could preface what you say with the fact that you don�t want to alienate them from their father, and you are not telling them this out of any ill-will toward him, but you have been keeping this from them too long to protect him at the risk of not protecting the girls. So here goes: Then you simply tell them the facts starting with the police coming to your door. Tell them that you didn�t want your husband to go to jail, and so encouraged him to hire an attorney who would present the case as a he said � she said situation. But your ex admitted everything to you. They might even want to talk to him about it. That way, at least if they were to live with him, it would be with an understanding of what he had done." So, no police reports. No disruption of their relationship. His follow up advice is quite different than the initial, but sometimes a second thought is needed and that's OK. So, I will follow his amended advice. Im confused, where did he say there should be no police report or disruption of their relationship? Im not seeing that at all.
BW-27
FWH-31
DS-6
Married several years
D-Day- 11/22/13
Plan A+Exposure
NC+Beginning of Recovery-04/2014
In Recovery and happier and more in love than ever
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Sunnytimes, I am glad you got clarification from Dr Harley and think you should just move forward. If you feel you need the police report after telling them, you can always explore that option later.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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When do you think you'll tell them?
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So you will be telling the girls? Yes. I will use the approach he has suggested. I think it's productive and compassionate. Update?
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Update, Sunny?
I worry you are so focused on moving on with #2 husband that you are skipping on important things in your present.
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If you wait 18 months, you will have still only known this man for about 2 years. Ive just noticed this thread and will chime in. As for 2 years, its not as reliable as knowing someone for at least 50 years before marriage...but better than 10 months. im confused that sunny is getting married in a few months but only divorced since October? How does that add up to 2 years?
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So does he value you enough to wait for you? Yes, he would. He has always said our relationship is for "us" and has been very respectful of my timing. We mutually just don't want to wait. I would find it very emotionally draining. Once a relationship is at a certain point, waiting is academic. I just don't feel the need to wait. That's why we thought delaying a full integration would address both the girls' discomfort with having a step-dad living in their home, but also meet our needs to enjoy our relationship as buyers. By this I don't specifically mean SF, I mean the full scope of companionship and connection that comes along with a buyer relationship. We are ready for that now, and waiting for 2 years just doesn't feel necessary if we have addressed the needs of the girls. For example, I just received a call from a DD16 and asked her about her plans. At this time, my fiance spends 2 - 3 nights a week in my home (chaperoned by my adult children) and we do not sleep together. This week he has tomorrow off so he had planned to arrive tonight instead of tomorrow. DD16 was listing her plans and then I let her know that fiance would be here today instead of tomorrow. She was not distressed at all and said "OK" with warmness and cordiality. They are ok with us seeing each other, and they like him. They are OK with him visiting for the weekends. They just don't want a stepdad living in their home for the reasons described previously. This sounds really weird. Just have sex with the man when the kids are gone. why would you have them supervise him having overnights in your house 3 times a week? This doesnt make any sense.
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Also, one quick update regarding the girls:
Last night a conversation about my fiance came up with DD16 that made my day (made my week!).
In the conversation, I admitted I had formally accepted his proposal of marriage a few weeks ago. She smiled and chuckled and said "We are not blind. We know!" and gave me a hug.
I told her that utmost in our planning was caring for her and her sister's emotional health and comfort. She said she didn't mind if my fiance "lived" in her home at least as often as he comes to visit now, or if I went to visit him during the week.
I can't express how immensely and pleasantly surprised I was because several months ago she had expressed surliness at the idea of him being here after we were married, so at that time I had quickly let it drop with assurances that I want her to be comfortable.
She expressed her desire to live with her dad for part or all of her senior year is because she feels so bad that he lives alone without any of them, and she wants him to be able to be with kids, too. She emphasized that if she did that, it wouldn't have anything to do with my fiance (or if then, husband), but because she is feeling bad for her dad. This is completely not how she had said it several months ago!
SO!! This is an encouraging turn of events, and means that only my DD17, who is a senior this year, may still have some reservations about an integration. I haven't spoken to her about it in a while (don't want to push her into agreeing to something she doesn't want).
I'll watch for an opportunity to test the waters with DD17 in a month or two if I continue to see the positive attitude she currently displays towards my fiance.
Dr. Harley's advice was against blending the families with a marriage if the children had any reservations. The reservations may be shorter lived than I had previously thought. You may not understand Dr. Harleys recommendations. Regarding remarriage, he only advocates it if the children are enthusiastically in support of it. In your case, you told your daughter you agreed to marry this man weeks ago without even discussing in with her. She had no say whatsoever and its clear her feelings are not a priority.
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Seriously, I am not trying to just pile on, so please don't take it that way, okay.
You are "Assuming" way too much.
You DO have the right to request the Police Report.
The actual Police Report would dispel any He Said - She Said discrepancies.
Your children would know the truth, with Proven Facts, not just words.
It seems like it would be the right and truthful thing to do.
Everyone can Assume that there is a Police Report, but take away any doubt and get it and use it to back up the facts and your version of what gets truthfully discussed with your children.
LTL LTL is correct. Dr. Harley may tell someone to use the bathroom and not provide details on how to wash their hands afterwards. It doesn't mean the patient shouldnt wash their hands. The purpose of a police report would be to tell your kids the truth. You seem very upset about the concept of them knowing and may even welcome them doubting your explanation.
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If you wait 18 months, you will have still only known this man for about 2 years. Ive just noticed this thread and will chime in. As for 2 years, its not as reliable as knowing someone for at least 50 years before marriage...but better than 10 months. im confused that sunny is getting married in a few months but only divorced since October? How does that add up to 2 years? If she waits 18 months for the last kid to be out of the house, that will be 26 months since she met this man.
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Also, the example of a married couple living apart in a blended family situation that was referenced by Sunny, from HNHN for Pageants doesn't apply to this situation. The example coupe with blended family issues was already married when they sought Dr. Harley's advice. The coupe didn't marry while planning to live apart
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Sunny, it would be a lot easier to get married and set up wedded life if your children moved in with WS. Is this why you were looking for ways to avoid it and are no longer responding?
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I was wondering the same thing...
Sunny...is it time alone that you would lose if your kids were to choose not to visit their dad?
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Well Sunny, after 30 pages of arguing and now silence, I think we've wasted our time. That's too bad.
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