It's not as simple as that (If I don't expose to 2 people I won't get support here!!), which you should know that because this was discussed (by multiple posters - myself, ML and SC included) at the beginning of the thread.

Here:



Furthermore, as a former BS myself, I will tell you that NO you will not get support by not exposing to the OPS. That is plain WRONG.

Not only is this an extremely important step to bust up the affair, but you have a duty to inform. There is no excuse to delay this. We hear excuses ALL THE TIME as to why this step is being delayed (most often some type of deal has been struck up with the WS to prevent this from happening). It is extremely offensive to me and probably most of the other BSs on this site when we see this happening.

This was one of the main reasons I felt okay posting here. That and there's a large emphasis on recovery being an acceptable way of moving forward.

Greatest piece of advice I've read yet. Thank you again, Graceful. As much as our marriage prior to this "seemed" pretty good, it's obvious there were issues on both sides. It will be my goal to make the next 30 years better than the first.

That's not really a constructive assumption, now is it? You asked, I answered. Being informed does not make me a golddigger, there's no financial "boon" to be had and I don't appreciate you implying that it's my goal here.

I think you are absolutely right and going home does worry me. I know that the response here will be "then contact the OW's H" or "make him quit school", but I just can't rationalize either in my head at this time. Maybe I need to see how things play out next week, maybe because of my "indifference" I will get the swift kick in the fanny I might need to come to my senses.

Come now, even a socially inept engineer like me can recognize the obvious sarcasm in ML's comment!

Well, the sentiment was posted not once, but twice. I think it was little more than just sarcasm.

As much as I would like to say I am prepared for that, we both know it's not true. I haven't got a clue really what's ahead of me. I see what you are all telling, and I am working to make it sink in.

OKB,
The OW told you herself that she explained everything to her husband right? Then there should be no problem touching base with him, to make sure he knows everything that you know. As a BH, I can tell you that he deserves to know. It is not fair to him to be left in the dark. This is something that needs to happen now, if your really want to break up the affair.

You are absolutely right. I completely agree that he deserves every opportunity to deal with this. But at this moment, I really don't give a bologna about her, her family, or her spouse. They can all fall off a cliff as far as I am concerned. I am not concerned with the state of their marriage, at this time, I have made my (temporary) decision based solely on my son.

I myself would be dying to know if she really did tell him. His reaction will speak volumes. If he instantly says "Yes, I know all about the situation, and we are working on things", then you will have atleast some peace of mind knowing that there was truth to what she said. On the other hand, if he says "What are you talking about? My wife would never do that", then you know that the OW and your WH, were just telling you everything that they felt you needed to hear, to shut you up so they could continue their affair. If this is the case, then I would predict that they will be together as soon as you head back home, only this time, like so many other situations on here, they will be much better at covering their tracks.

You are right it is more than sarcasm, it is an attempt to get you to open your eyes to your H's manipulating tactics to maintain his A. Exposure IS the quickest and only effective means to stopping the manipulating & the A. My WH was a master of manipulating his EA as well and I was on the receiving end of similar posts, I chose to look through the forest to see the trees & follow their advice regardless of how harshly I felt it was delivered at the time. If you expect your serious marital problem to be handled with kit gloves, you are destined for a miserable marriage and a miserable life and it won't be found on this site. You are too emotionally involved to think rationally and we are not at all emotional about your circumstances and we are thinking rationally on your behalf. I am telling you OKB, if you want a successful happy marriage you: 1. Have to follow the advice of Dr. Harley that is strictly adhered to on this forum 2. It all begins with Exposure, AND IT WORKS!

If you follow those two steps, I promise you a day will come where you are thankful for the advice and the manner in which it was delivered.

Have you written that e-mail yet?

You have said before that his income was your paramount priority, so I don't see why that would be an "assumption." Which is more important? Your marriage or his income? Because you can't have both. You can't possibly recover your marriage if he stays at this school with the OW.

Just know that the longer you enable your husband and his lover, the harder it will be to bust up the affair and save your marriage. Every day it becomes more and more entrenched. I am not clear on WHY you would enable the affair by not telling this woman's husband and your other child? What are your reasons?

Dr Harley would tell you that it is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. Keeping his affair a secret only serves to enable it.

][quote=OldKillbearYou are absolutely right. I completely agree that he deserves every opportunity to deal with this. But at this moment, I really don't give a bologna about her, her family, or her spouse. They can all fall off a cliff as far as I am concerned. I am not concerned with the state of their marriage, at this time, I have made my (temporary) decision based solely on my son.
[/quote]

Are you concerned about the state of YOUR MARRIAGE? Despite the fact that you don't care about the other betrayed spouse, it only harms you and your son to keep this secret. Will it benefit your son in some way if you protect the OW and harm his family in the process?

No, it won't.

The bottom line is that you are wasting our time and yours on this forum if you won't properly expose the affair and demand that your husband leave that school. This situation is hopeless if you won't do those things. His short term income won't compensate for the long term damage you are causing.

The state of their marriage is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS and has nothing to do with exposure. You don't have to "care" about the OW or her family (HUH???? first time I have heard this one as an excuse not to expose).

It's about basic decency as a human being to alert the BS to the damage since you have knowledge of it.

And as we keep telling you - it's crucial in order to bust up the affair.

I absolutely CRINGE when I hear a BS who is this callous to the plight of another BS being harmed behind their back.

Since you refuse to explain why this exposure to OWH will somehow hurt your son (??), I just want to point out...

If it is because your WH has told you some story about how the OW's H is "dangerous", just know that that story comes up on the forum about 1-2 times a week as a tactic to prevent exposure.

I so agree with this. All betrayed spouses that wish we would've found out sooner than we did can't believe another BS would be so callous. The OWBH is a victim just like OKB is.

It kind of makes you wonder why she would think that we would have any desire to help her when there is nothing in it for us.

OKB - The only reason I am here is because I have been through this before you, and have recovered my marriage to a point that it is far better than it ever was before. MB methods work. If you are not interested in recovering your marriage, then you are wasting your time and ours. Go talk to a lawyer. That is where you will get advice on how to place the interests of your son ahead of everything else. We can only help you recover your marriage.

Apathy is usually the trait of a wayward spouse in the fog. Strange how in this thread it is the reverse.

Since Dr. Harley's program is predicated on romantic love, which OKB seems to have little interest in, and since her priority is her son and not the marriage, I see little hope here. I hope I'm wrong.

Okay folks, exposure has happened. Now what?
It has just happened, so I am raw and distorted, but I need to know where to go from here.

I have tried to follow Melody's exposure thread, but there are a few things that I was not able to accomplish. I do not have access to the OW's friends list on FB, so I'm not sure where to take that.

But, I had contact with the OW's H earlier this evening.
I phoned him directly, not just through email etc., but spoke to him personally. I have given him all of my contact information, I have given him all of my proof, I have forwarded him the emails that I sent to his wife and that she sent back (the ones where she says she talked to her husband)
Needless to say, he was floored. I explained about them spending the night together, gave him my list of dates when they were together, showed him the actual proof so that he knew I was not just making it up. (I have also exposed to my son)

As everyone knows, I had to come home this weekend. When I mentioned going back to school with my husband he told me I could if I wanted to, but he didn't really want me there because he couldn't handle the stress of school AND the stress of our marriage together. He said he didn't want to fight or have to stress about it etc. I said there was no fighting to be done, but that I thought the best way to work on our marriage was to be together and not apart. (Thursday, Friday and Saturday were very productive days together, we *had* worked out a plan to save our marriage)
Finally, Sunday night, he told me he didn't really want me to go back to school with him because he didn't want to be married anymore. He said it has been coming for a very long time, he just didn't know how to end it. He said he couldn't handle the guilt of leaving me "stuck".

Sunday night he left me, said he wanted a divorce and went back to school. And as was expected, he spent Monday night with the OW.

I spoke to him just before I started writing this, he is furious about me talking to the OW's husband (no, I did not tell anyone that I was calling the OW's H) He ran the gamut of all of the crap I was expecting. Told me I had just ruined her life, because they were just friends and there was no need to tell her H. Said he only went to her last night because he needed a "sounding board" and someone to talk to. He said I jumped the gun, that he only went there because he needed to discuss splitting up with me with someone, he needed a friend.
He said I should have called him first. He told me I was spiteful and that now he definitely wants a divorce. He is not quitting school, he does not want to work on or save our marriage. I of course, have moments of "Oh, my god, what have I done?" My gut all tumbles, thinking maybe I just ruined any chance I had of saving my marriage.

At this point, I cannot stay in our house, as I cannot run it without contact with him but he says he will not be coming home any longer. While he has been away at school, he has come home often enough to manage things and take care of the things I could not take care of on my own. (believe it or not, I live on a farm in the boonies, but do not have a driver's licence) Without him returning home, I am stranded. Completely stranded. Add to that, I do not have any sort of support here, my family all lives hours away, and I feel like I need to be near family. Especially if it is not fixable. He already lives in another home at school. I'm sure on one hand leaving the farm is the wrong thing to do, but I can't figure out how to make it work. He says he will "help" me, get me situated, blahblahblah and will be calling me later to discuss separating.

So, with that being said, what now?