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I told my children.
They were that young.

Before I told them......they had all sorts of ideas about what was happening and those ideas were quite beyond the basic "Dad is dating someone else and married men shouldn't do that. They should only date their wife. I am very sad about this but will do my best to deal with it and be the mom you need me to be"







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Originally Posted by reading
I told my children.
They were that young.

Mine were 6 and 8 when told of their dad's affair. They are now 13 and 15 and know they will get the truth from me even when it's not pretty. There are multiple and valuable life lesson to teach children from exposure. Sheltering them makes them ill prepared to cope with problems as the grow up.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by julesm
i did not expose to my children they are only 8&9 and i decided not to tell them.


My XH's father cheated on his mother. His sister found out and they talked together about it. Children always know what their parents are up to because the happiness of their parents is so central to their survival. Because nothing was said to them by either of their parents and they remained married, they assumed that this was normal behavior.

When our marriage ran into problems with the stress of two children born 12 months apart, my XH immediately got himself a girlfriend because that was the coping mechanism that he knew. This is not what you want for your children.


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thank you guys for all the advice on exposing to children. but i have decided not to tell them. they know we are going through some problems and we have talked to them about marriage, explained to them when married people are drifting apart and not putting effort or care and understanding into their everyday lives that a marriage can break down and that we are trying to figure out our problems together, to build a better marriage together.
i know you guys believe i must expose to them before we can move on.does that mean you cant give me advice anymore because we will still be referring to this problem?


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Not successfully no. Please remember this is an addiction that lasts forever and requires EVERY measure. Not making such a huge miss as this. You've given your husband carte Blanche to cheat by putting a veil around it. You've encouraged the addict in him to lie to and confuse the children.

You yourself have confused them because they have seen the traumatic effects of what is happening and you've normalized it. When children are told that affair behaviour is normal, they copy it. This is actually more important than ending the affair. You need to tell them affairs are wrong and when they happen, you fight them.

Dr H found out about his family's affairs when he was four and learned how to avoid them. Save other people from them.

My FiLs affairs were normalized and explained away as normal and so he got the idea from his mother that behaving that way was OK until the small behaviour he saw (anger, dismissiveness, being away from home) turned into being the covered up result - a cheating husband.

I had to explain the affair to my six and five year old niece and nephew because their friendships with OWs children had been destroyed. Their reaction was better than most grownups. They did not say a word about the effect on them and wanted to confront their uncle, but spoke very lovingly about him. They were full of advice and hugs! I was stunned. My nephew already knew. Smelling a rat he'd hid and listened to us - "I thought you weren't supposed to talk about it". He is now eight and is a true little gentleman.

I think it is very sad you can't speak honestly to them. They would surprise you.

Never had a situation on this forum where it wasn't essential and positive.


Last edited by indiegirl; 05/24/15 04:54 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by julesm
when married people are drifting apart and not putting effort or care and understanding into their everyday lives that a marriage can break down and that we are trying to figure out our problems together,?


This is a lie. You haven't drifted apart. He is having an affair. There is no problem with your marriage. The affair is the problem.

When they fantasize about OW being the children's new mother (all people in affairs do this even with patently unsuitable affair partners) they have decided to tell them he has problems with you. Unsolvable problems (Not important enough to spell out) but important enough to quit on marriage.

They will tell the kids that marriage is disposable when you don't get along. Even though nursery kids get taught to get along.

Most children know they are being told patronising claptrap and assume it is their fault.

The first step is to get the BS to agree with the 'my wife is the problem' diagnosis.

Then, when he suddenly leaves and introduces them to ' my brand new and innocent girlfriend' you have no leg to stand on. You joined in with the lies and now cannot tell the truth.

You think he won't because she's his cousin? Well affair addicts have done this with drug dealers and paedophile affair partners. He will.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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My mother was and is radically honest. She raised us with the knowledge of her poor behavior (teen drug use, promiscuity, abortion) from a very early age; I can't remember a time I didn't know my mother's history. I trust everything she says as truth and have my entire life. She used this to teach us how wrong these things were. She was her own object lesson for how people can turn away from wrongdoing if they choose.

We aren't advocating telling inappropriate details of sex acts or to pour out all of your emotions on them. But they should know about the affair because it is one of the most important events in their own lives.

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My father kept my mother's affair a secret from my brother and I when we were children. I still love my father, but I'm disappointed that he did not tell me. His silence also allowed my mother to poison us against him. It's standard practice of those who have affairs. They demonize the betrayed spouse to try to justify themselves. It's a disservice to children to keep the truth from them. I'm not saying this just because it's MB advice. I can state from my own personal experience that I wish my father had been honest with me.


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I'm working with an incredibly fine teacher at the moment whose father used to kill people (brain washed terrorist from a young age). Not only does she tell everyone about it, but she invites her father into schools to talk to her pupils about it. He is now a minister.

We asked her old she was when he told her and she said she cannot remember a time when she did not know her father was a murderer. THAT is how it is done.

He never allowed her to be surprised or confused. He reassured her with transparency. I absolutely cannot wait to meet this guy.

The only people who are possibly finer or braver are the former wayward spouses here at MB who are so healed that they do not hide their pasts.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Okay.

Be vague and don't give them basic facts about their family situation.

Lets see how that works for them and their future.

Time will tell.

You can always change your mind and be honest with them. If you get to that juncture, it will be tough for you and them but a powerful message for them to have and to use as reference in their lives.







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Originally Posted by Dr Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works.

.


We've all cut corners upon arrival here. We all wanted the quick easy fix - not caring abut the long term ramifications.

Dr Harley has been doing this with incredible success for decades. He is the one who knows how to affair proof a marriage, while all of us patently did NOT. What I've learned is the one thing you are worst at/scared of doing is usually the one thing you need to DO most.

If we were to blow past the exposure to kids thing, and say it doesn't matter two things would happen:

A) Dr Harley's forum moderators would delete our advice because it is not MB advice.
B) None of the MB advice would work without exposure to the kids. One gap in the exposure fence is all an affair couple need to feel they can carry on. You will have handed your kids over to an OW.




Last edited by indiegirl; 05/24/15 11:26 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by julesm
thank you guys for all the advice on exposing to children. but i have decided not to tell them. they know we are going through some problems and we have talked to them about marriage, explained to them when married people are drifting apart and not putting effort or care and understanding into their everyday lives that a marriage can break down and that we are trying to figure out our problems together, to build a better marriage together.
i know you guys believe i must expose to them before we can move on.does that mean you cant give me advice anymore because we will still be referring to this problem?

There is a BIG difference between a married couple drifting apart and a marriage being shaken apart from an affair.

Any secrets that the wayward can consciously or unconsciously get away with allows a potential for using that lack of honesty to their advantage to resume their affair lifestyle.

The decision to be honest with your children is NOT a mutual, husband/wife decision. It is done by the betrayed spouse to protect their marriage and family.

Kids know that there is more that they are not being told. But, they don't know what, so they imagine all sorts of possibities, never knowing if they put the puzzle together, which will continually haunt their private thoughts and emotional well being.

It's a tough decision, because you think they will feel ill will towards their Dad, but with truthful complete openness, they at least have the whole picture and will not remain in an uncontrolable panic about all of the what ifs.

Also, they hopefully voice their displeasure with those immoral poor choices.

Do they want the POSOW to be their new Mommy?

Do you?

This is an essential part of full and complete exposure.

How many marriages has your personal plan recovered from an affair?

LTL


Last edited by LearnedTooLate; 05/24/15 01:22 PM.
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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by julesm
i did not expose to my children they are only 8&9 and i decided not to tell them. i am really hoping that things will change and all of this was the right thing to do.
when MB talks about withdrawl in WH does that mean that will probably happen from now?
Please read this and then explain why you won't expose to your children?
Exposing to Children
In addition to all the excellent posts about exposing to children. Did you actually listen to the clips from Dr. Harley on exposing to children in the thread I posted to you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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julesm,

Please really READ these posts & links by these members trying to help you. They know what they are talking about!

We all were afraid to tell our kids. We all want to shelter & protect our kids. But hiding his affair is NOT protecting them.

My children were older,, late teens. Now you'd think that would be old enough that they'd not assume they were responsible for our marital problems, right? Wrong!! They were disappointed in their dad, sad for me & for what I was going through but sooo relieved it wasn't their fault. They had assumed all their little teenage dramas and traumas were driving us apart.

The kids know something is wrong. Kids of all ages assume it's their fault.

Don't teach them to be honest and then you lie to them.

Tell them the truth.


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Originally Posted by julesm
thank you guys for all the advice on exposing to children. but i have decided not to tell them. they know we are going through some problems and we have talked to them about marriage, explained to them when married people are drifting apart and not putting effort or care and understanding into their everyday lives that a marriage can break down and that we are trying to figure out our problems together, to build a better marriage together.
i know you guys believe i must expose to them before we can move on.does that mean you cant give me advice anymore because we will still be referring to this problem?

I understand you want to lie to your children and help enable your husbands cheating.
I see little hope for your marriage long term.

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Believe me I am trying to take on board all the posts I've read. I'm trying to figure out how do I tell them, how much do I tell them,I look at them and they are so tiny and innocent. My brain is in turmoil!! I think I have already made the decision to do it, I just can't get it out. I know that makes me weak!


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It doesn't make you weak.
Any parent would dread the conversation.

You pick a time when WH is not around and tell the children you need to tell them something which will be difficult for them to hear but that they need to know. You say that you have already told them that Mom and Dad are having problems and trying to work them out. The problem you two are having is that Dad has been dating another woman. Married men should only date their wife. You are upset about it and hoping that Dad will not date anyone but you. You tell the children that they should know this since they are having to witness the pain you are in and you respect them enough to let them know the truth of the situation.

Yes, the kids will be upset. Darn it. That is the truth.
But, sooner rather than later they will know the story of their life and be able to get a handle on it.

My oldest child had no obvious response.
My middle child had to see a counselor for a few weeks (she was so angry at her father).
My youngest appreciated the facts of his life and has been the biggest trooper of all.

BTW, my WH (now my exH) had no real reaction to the kids hearing about the affair. Mostly, he was concerned about his OW being upset about her adultery being known by people in general.







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And you tell them who the OW is by name. You don't want them wondering if every random woman that passes them could be OW and it also helps to ensure that OW can't ever come around them since they will know who she is. She is an enemy to your family and your children so identify her as you would any person you wanted your children to stay away from.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by julesm
Believe me I am trying to take on board all the posts I've read. I'm trying to figure out how do I tell them, how much do I tell them,I look at them and they are so tiny and innocent. My brain is in turmoil!! I think I have already made the decision to do it, I just can't get it out. I know that makes me weak!


Jules - you wouldn't be human if you did not feel weak right now. We are here with you.

You can't wait until you feel strong. That isn't going to happen. You have to do this as bravely as you did exposure - while your hands are shaking.

You tell them: "Dad has a girlfriend and he wants to be with her instead of at home with me. That is why I have been so sad.

"I still love Dad and want him to stop seeing his girlfriend and come home. We all still love him.

"Her name is xxxx. She is Dad's cousin. This is her picture (if you have it). She is not allowed to see you so tell me straight away if you see her anywhere.

"You can ask me anything and I will tell you the truth."

(This last bit reassures them, stops them blaming themselves when Dad is being furious or weird and it also means if they have seen or heard anything worrying affair-related you can draw it out of them and find out).


Last edited by indiegirl; 05/25/15 02:00 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I see your children are 8 and 9. I would be amazed if they didn't already know SOMETHING. But it must be very confusing bits and pieces.

You three are the main victims. You need to talk it out and hug it out - you three need each other like oxygen. They don't need to hear about adults having vague confusing problems and being too clueless to get along with each other.

They need to know they have ONE sane honest parent who knows what is going on and who is going to tell them the truth.




What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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