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Fate #2858807 06/27/15 09:16 AM
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Originally Posted By: Fate
I don't feel there is any hope here. I see the same gaslighting and twisting I've been seeing throughout the course of this marriage. This is unfortunately serial. I was just too naive and in love to see it before. This phase will last about 3 days, and everything will go back to "normal." This is the same old pattern.

The husband.


I see a lot of fog, so I can understand. But this can be turned around. Can you start your own thread?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2858810 06/27/15 10:08 AM
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I read about Just Compensation. It makes sense. I have promised to change and committed to restoring the love for each other but when I act defensive my actions don't support my promise. He's surely thinking why bother? This person is incapable of change. I have to consider his feelings at ALL times even when the affair is brought up. Dr Harley described exactly what I've been feeling. Thank you MelodyLane

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Quote:
I have to consider his feelings at ALL times even when the affair is brought up.

If the marriage is going to recover, the two of you must stop talking about the affair.

Are you willing to do that? Is he?


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted By: allgoodthings2
When you say it was the hardest thing you've had to do, how did you overcome it? How did your wife reassure you?
I started listening to Marriage Builders Radio within a few weeks of the initial discovery of my wife's affair. I became an avid listener. I still am. My wife and I read Surviving an Affair together. We went on the radio program twice to get advice directly from Dr. Harley. We came to the forum and read a lot. In many respects, I lead the way. My wife didn't feel she had the right to tell me what to do at the beginning of recovery. What she did was commit to this program of recovery. That was enough.


me-65
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DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2859161 06/30/15 04:10 PM
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Well, the siege is over but nothing is exactly better. As I mentioned before I took a polygraph tests and answered all the questions truthfully, but somehow now none of that matters. First, he thinks I may have "tricked" the test, secondly he is convinced I had a Physical affair as well. I don't know how else to tell him that I haven't. He even says I may have had one since then. He interrogates me every time he's thinking about this. I know that he has no trust and with good reason, but I only had one affair and it was emotional. How can I prove that? I don't know what else to do. It's like the polygraph mean nothing and it's like his lack of trust keeps him thinking there is something else there. I know I wasn't the greatest after D day when the affair was brought up, getting defensive and frustrated, walking away. But I have been following everything i'm supposed to do and answering his questions. It doesn't matter what I say, he still says i'm lying. I feel like a giant inserted a syringe and needle in me and drained the life out. I don't know what else to do. Please help. I feel different, I WANT to change, I want to make up for my transgressions and he keeps telling me he is waiting to se the change but he doesn't believe I can do it. I feel empty.

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Originally Posted By: allgoodthings2


but I only had one affair and it was emotional.



STOP THAT KIND OF THINKING.

BUT, I only murdered him once.

Now, what else can you do and have done already?

Did you go over the list from SAA, Surviving An Affair?

Do you provide 100% complete transparency?

What means of contact did you use to get a hold of your Affair Partner?

Phone, e-mail, work, FB, same social circles, etc...

Change your phone number and ee-mail address.

Let HIM have ALL of your passwords.

Listen to the veteran posters and Don't skip ANY Steps.

Will you BH, Betrayed Husband be willing to post here?

It really would help a lot.

LTL

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AGT,

I wrote this before but your BH also needs TIME to heal, it's at least 2 years and I believe your BH only leaned about this in Jan 2015?

Good job willingly taking the polygraph btw, short term your BH is still in too much shock to appreciate it , long term your BH will have that much less doubt.

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Originally Posted By: allgoodthings2
Well, the siege is over but nothing is exactly better. As I mentioned before I took a polygraph tests and answered all the questions truthfully, but somehow now none of that matters. First, he thinks I may have "tricked" the test, secondly he is convinced I had a Physical affair as well. I don't know how else to tell him that I haven't. He even says I may have had one since then. He interrogates me every time he's thinking about this. I know that he has no trust and with good reason, but I only had one affair and it was emotional. How can I prove that? I don't know what else to do. It's like the polygraph mean nothing and it's like his lack of trust keeps him thinking there is something else there. I know I wasn't the greatest after D day when the affair was brought up, getting defensive and frustrated, walking away. But I have been following everything i'm supposed to do and answering his questions. It doesn't matter what I say, he still says i'm lying. I feel like a giant inserted a syringe and needle in me and drained the life out. I don't know what else to do. Please help. I feel different, I WANT to change, I want to make up for my transgressions and he keeps telling me he is waiting to se the change but he doesn't believe I can do it. I feel empty.

allgood, you need to ask him outright to stop talking about the affair, and to stop accusing you of lying, fixing the test and all the rest of it. Ask him if he can do that. Don't threaten him with leaving, but if he says that he can't stop, or if he says that he needs time to heal because he only found out about the affair in January (or whenever), or if he says that he can stop but then does not, you will need to consider separating from him. Your marriage will never recover until he stops punishing you for the affair.

His need to "heal" does not require that he punish you for what you did.


BW
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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Gamma #2859167 06/30/15 04:33 PM
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Originally Posted By: Gamma
I wrote this before but your BH also needs TIME to heal, it's at least 2 years and I believe your BH only leaned about this in Jan 2015?

Don't even think about putting up with what your H has been saying for "at least 2 years" while he heals. His punishing you will not help him heal, and it will harm you and the very marriage that you are trying to build.

What your H needs to do to heal is to follow the checklist from Surviving an Affair, and stop bringing up the affair, in any way (such as accusing you of lying).


BW
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SugarCane #2859184 06/30/15 05:48 PM
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allgood, you need to ask him outright to stop talking about the affair, and to stop accusing you of lying, fixing the test and all the rest of it. Ask him if he can do that. Don't threaten him with leaving, but if he says that he can't stop, or if he says that he needs time to heal because he only found out about the affair in January (or whenever), or if he says that he can stop but then does not, you will need to consider separating from him. Your marriage will never recover until he stops punishing you for the affair.

His need to "heal" does not require that he punish you for what you did.

Punishing you for the affair is not part of recovery -- it will only prolong his pain.

Recovery is going to take two. BOTH of you need to be in this program, learning how to care for each other and to protect each other. If he is not willing to work the program with you, then this marriage cannot be saved. You cannot do it yourself, no matter how remorseful you are for what you did.

Do what Sugarcane told you to do above. This is absolutely essential to your recovery.


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In addition to all this excellent advice, I think that your husband should see a doctor about getting some medication to get him through this time. Early on, I found it nearly impossible to stop thinking and talking about my wife's affair. It was only after seeing a psychiatrist and getting on some medication that my mind cleared enough for me to gain some control and start reacting with my intelligence.


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Originally Posted By: LearnedTooLate
Originally Posted By: allgoodthings2


but I only had one affair and it was emotional.



STOP THAT KIND OF THINKING.


BUT, I only murdered him once.

Now, what else can you do and have done already?

Did you go over the list from SAA, Surviving An Affair?

Do you provide 100% complete transparency?

What means of contact did you use to get a hold of your Affair Partner?

Phone, e-mail, work, FB, same social circles, etc...

Change your phone number and ee-mail address.

Let HIM have ALL of your passwords.

Listen to the veteran posters and Don't skip ANY Steps.

Will you BH, Betrayed Husband be willing to post here?

It really would help a lot.

LTL


You're right. It sounded like I was making light of it. I'm not. I had one to many affairs. I was intending to say that there was never physical involvement and that he keeps interrogating me about that. He was on the right track with the program and , as I said before, I had commited to it as well but wasn't acting like it. Recently he told a friend about what happened and his friend keeps telling him I probably had a PA too and that I'm not worth it and since then his interrogating has gotten worse. His family knows everything and they are supportive of our recovery but his friend is like a little voice that keeps telling him to walk away. At least that's what it feels like it to me.
I have bought SAA book and fall in love stay in love, I've been listening to the MB radio and ordered archives, I've been reading this forum, I've followed the steps, deleted fb completely, etc. Although I feel emotionally drained, for the first time in my life, I don't want to run away from the problem. I want to go all the way. I've admitted my mistakes to myself and the world, I'm rebuilding myself. I guess it will take time.

Last edited by allgoodthings2; 07/01/15 05:01 AM.
mrEureka #2859264 07/01/15 05:04 AM
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Originally Posted By: mrEureka
In addition to all this excellent advice, I think that your husband should see a doctor about getting some medication to get him through this time. Early on, I found it nearly impossible to stop thinking and talking about my wife's affair. It was only after seeing a psychiatrist and getting on some medication that my mind cleared enough for me to gain some control and start reacting with my intelligence.


I've suggested this to him but he says he doesn't want to be a zombie. He wants to feel what he's supposed to feel.

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It's the ups and downs that are killing me. He'll interrogate me for 2 hours and then hug me and start acting like my husband again. I'm in a rollercoaster and I can't get down. I don't know what to expect from one day to the next. I've been texting him everything I do and everything that happens throughout the course of my day. I make sure I don't leave anything out. I answer his questions matteroffactly and honestly and I'm constantly affraid of his reactions.

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Originally Posted By: allgoodthings2
Originally Posted By: mrEureka
In addition to all this excellent advice, I think that your husband should see a doctor about getting some medication to get him through this time. Early on, I found it nearly impossible to stop thinking and talking about my wife's affair. It was only after seeing a psychiatrist and getting on some medication that my mind cleared enough for me to gain some control and start reacting with my intelligence.


I've suggested this to him but he says he doesn't want to be a zombie. He wants to feel what he's supposed to feel.
But that is what medication *does*. One's state of mind after such an enormous emotional trauma is not normal. Medication restores the brain back to a more normal balance. If the trauma were a headache, would he argue that an appropriate analgesic was wrong? The injury his brain has endured is *much* worse than a headache! Nobody likes taking meds, but he really needs to.


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Originally Posted By: allgoodthings2
It's the ups and downs that are killing me. He'll interrogate me for 2 hours and then hug me and start acting like my husband again. I'm in a rollercoaster and I can't get down. I don't know what to expect from one day to the next. I've been texting him everything I do and everything that happens throughout the course of my day. I make sure I don't leave anything out. I answer his questions matteroffactly and honestly and I'm constantly affraid of his reactions.

Did you read my advice to you?


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SugarCane #2859271 07/01/15 06:15 AM
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Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Originally Posted By: allgoodthings2
It's the ups and downs that are killing me. He'll interrogate me for 2 hours and then hug me and start acting like my husband again. I'm in a rollercoaster and I can't get down. I don't know what to expect from one day to the next. I've been texting him everything I do and everything that happens throughout the course of my day. I make sure I don't leave anything out. I answer his questions matteroffactly and honestly and I'm constantly affraid of his reactions.

Did you read my advice to you?


Yes I did. I will try it.

SugarCane #2859272 07/01/15 06:41 AM
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Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Originally Posted By: allgoodthings2
Well, the siege is over but nothing is exactly better. As I mentioned before I took a polygraph tests and answered all the questions truthfully, but somehow now none of that matters. First, he thinks I may have "tricked" the test, secondly he is convinced I had a Physical affair as well. I don't know how else to tell him that I haven't. He even says I may have had one since then. He interrogates me every time he's thinking about this. I know that he has no trust and with good reason, but I only had one affair and it was emotional. How can I prove that? I don't know what else to do. It's like the polygraph mean nothing and it's like his lack of trust keeps him thinking there is something else there. I know I wasn't the greatest after D day when the affair was brought up, getting defensive and frustrated, walking away. But I have been following everything i'm supposed to do and answering his questions. It doesn't matter what I say, he still says i'm lying. I feel like a giant inserted a syringe and needle in me and drained the life out. I don't know what else to do. Please help. I feel different, I WANT to change, I want to make up for my transgressions and he keeps telling me he is waiting to se the change but he doesn't believe I can do it. I feel empty.

allgood, you need to ask him outright to stop talking about the affair, and to stop accusing you of lying, fixing the test and all the rest of it. Ask him if he can do that. Don't threaten him with leaving, but if he says that he can't stop, or if he says that he needs time to heal because he only found out about the affair in January (or whenever), or if he says that he can stop but then does not, you will need to consider separating from him. Your marriage will never recover until he stops punishing you for the affair.

His need to "heal" does not require that he punish you for what you did.


If he can do this he may stop scratching the itch and keeping the wound open. I'm not sure either of you release how much effect the unchanged phone number has on you both. With the number unchanged, OM can call you whenever he pleases from a different number and its down to raw trust how you respond. Trust which didn't work in the first place. Even the most perfect, ignoring response will hurt your husband and he's going to blame you when it happens.

Trust doesn't work in recovery. What does work is making renewed contact impossible and making any new affairs impossible. Change numbers and take yourself off social media. Get a dumb phone if that's what it takes to reassure him. Or have your phone and internet activity logged, you could even get one which reveals your whereabouts. You should be together pretty much all of the time anyway. There shouldn't be time for him to listen to friends' opinions of you if he is really concerned with where you are and what you're doing.

So you're going to have to insist on some things. No more talking about the A. He can believe it's physical if he wants to, but he can't continue bringing up the regrettable fact that the poly didn't convince him. It didn't, so neither will a two hour interrogation. He can believe what he pleases but he cannot keep you on trial indefinitely. Insist.

You have to insist on the number change too.

All of this selfless talk is also baloney. That's what got you into this mess - conflict avoidance leading to you bring complaints to someone else. In future you need to bring your complaints to your husband and resolve them.

Selflessness is just being chicken.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: allgoodthings2
Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Originally Posted By: allgoodthings2
It's the ups and downs that are killing me. He'll interrogate me for 2 hours and then hug me and start acting like my husband again. I'm in a rollercoaster and I can't get down. I don't know what to expect from one day to the next. I've been texting him everything I do and everything that happens throughout the course of my day. I make sure I don't leave anything out. I answer his questions matteroffactly and honestly and I'm constantly affraid of his reactions.

Did you read my advice to you?


Yes I did. I will try it.

When?


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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