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OW is still following him on social media. I need him to block her ASAP before we go any further. He knows my conditions and has said OW can be gone because she "means nothing" (haha, okay) but clearly the message needs to be driven home louder. We slept in the same bed last night and went to brunch this morning but I haven't confronted him again about what has to be done once and for all to remove OW.
Blocking contact with her on social media will not matter as long as they still work together.
I was wondering what I was missing.
Why do you care if she follows him on social media if you don't care that they still have access to each other through the workplace?
My gut never told me exposing H was a bad choice. I was nervous and scared, but I knew I had to do it. My gut and intuition tell me, however, that to expose to my H's boss was not a wise decision.
Didn't your "gut" also tell you that your WH was not having an affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
They do not work together. They work in the same profession. He could work anywhere any place and still potentially email her and text to her.
If you are saying that even if he gets a different job in this SAME profession, that there remains the potential for your WH to cross paths with this OW, then he will have to leave that profession in order to recover your M.
I have consulted with an attorney who has laid out my rights in a divorce situation. I would get support he told me.
You might get some child support and a small alimony, but you are not going to be able to be a lady of leisure who is supported through college. I have NEVER heard of a wife getting much support in a 3 year marriage.
Besides, you will be competing with the OW for his income. Keep that in mind. He will strive to make sure she gets the lions share, not you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I will not expose him to his boss. I came to this decision after serious reflection, prayer, and taking into consideration every piece of advice I have been given. My gut never told me exposing H was a bad choice. I was nervous and scared, but I knew I had to do it. My gut and intuition tell me, however, that to expose to my H's boss was not a wise decision.
I just re-listened to your segment regarding exposure and you ALREADY had this position when you talked to Dr Harley. You told Dr Harley you were the most worried and scared to expose to the employer, that your WH would really be "done" if you did this.
Dr Harley hashed this issue out with you, Birdy. He was ADAMANT that the employer be exposed to. He explained why it was so important to not skip this: Your H's profession is BIG PROBLEM for your M anyway - that it is a profession full of affairs, so if you keep it a secret and the A dies a natural death, "what's to stop him from having another affair?" and that there is already an issue with the career being more important than the marriage.
Dr Harley: "What I want to have for you is a H who is finally down on his knees begging forgiveness for what he has done and willing to do whatever to make it up to you. That's what I want as a final alternative for you. And you see, all these procedures I'm talking about make it more likely that that will happen."
I don't consider myself more wise than Dr. Harley or any of you here, which is why I followed all the advice given to me up to this point.
Dr Harley's advice could not be more clear and you are ignoring it. You told Dr Harley how you felt about this VERY ISSUE and he flushed it out with you.
You are choosing your own plan over Dr Harley's. It really is that simple.
I have consulted with an attorney who has laid out my rights in a divorce situation. I would get support he told me.
Are you talking about alimony? For a 3.5 yr marriage??
Divorce is financially DEVASTATING. Did this lawyer tell you that??
I wanted to chime in on this earlier, but didn't want to cloud the issue at hand. Consulting with an attorney is great to do, but don't lose sight of your own logic with any advice they give you. First, they can not guarantee you that you will get support, that is for a judge to decide and the bottom line is you will either have to spend the money for an attorney to prove you deserve it or your H will have to agree IN WRITING that he will pay it. Your H may initially verbally agree to get you off his case, but that means nothing. You need to count on little or no support, only what is the minimal child support.
Susie is absolutely right Divorce is financially DEVASTATING for both of you, make sure you are taking care of you and use your own logic to consider suggestions of your legal representation keeping in mind they also have financial motives at stake. They can give their opinion, but that is all that they are giving is their best guess of what the judge will ultimately decide.
FS of 27yrs BW DDay 11/2013 Began MB Seminar 7/2014 H quit MB Seminar 10/2014 Filed for D 11/17/2014 PB 12/18/2014 D 07/29/2015
Don't count on his support while you're in school. Your marriage is on life support right now and you need to put this aside. Think about how you can become more self sufficient because you might need to be soon!
Besides, it almost sounds like a big part of your motivation for keeping the marriage is so that he will support you while you get your PHD. You're not going to wither on the vine of you don't go back to school for this degree.
You sound usurious when you talk about him taking care of you while you're in school. I would totally drop that plan for now if I were you.
Birdy, come on now. If you are working toward a PhD then you are clearly a smart girl. Do you REALLY think he is going to divorce you and then continue to support you through your PhD program? That is not going to happen.
You came here because he indicated that he is done with this relationship, and then discovered he is having an affair which he refuses thus far to end. Do not let a few nights of calm make you forget that. If he continues with the A (which he seems to plan to) he will continue to decide to leave. And then you are going through a divorce. And you know what they say "you never divorce the same person you marry." He will not willingly continue to support you during or after divorce, I don't care what he says. You will not be granted enough money to completely support yourself during or after the divorce either.
There is no rational or logical reason to not expose to the employer here. Surely you see that?
Your marriage is too short for you to expect to receive much alimony (if any).
What is in front of you is an all or nothing proposition.
There are two possible outcomes...your husband decides to abandon the affair and work on your marriage, or he does not and you head toward Plan B and possibly divorce.
In either outcome you are hampering yourself by not exposing to the employer. He can't continue to work at his job if you recover because of its connection to OW. If you do not recover, you are sowing seeds of regret if you leave ANYTHING on the table here and do not fight as hard as possible. You will move on much more easily if you throw everything you've got at this, speaking from experience.
Once you've done everything you can, the rest of the outcome becomes a decision for the WS to make and not anything to do with you. You will value that greatly in 6 months, no matter what happens here.
Leave no stone unturned here and be thinking of a Plan B arrangement for your income and schooling rather than letting the fear of losing income control your decision making. The expenses of fighting an affair and/or Plan B/divorce might put some of your plans in life on hold for 6 months or so because of unexpected out-of-pocket expenses, but if you are resourceful (which I think you are) you will find ways to get back on your feet and continue marching towards that PhD.
Many, many of us have been exactly where you are right now and we can help you figure out how to make ends meet. You have a vast braintrust of experience here at MB with practical matters such as that, in addition to fighting this affair and recovering your marriage.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.
When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015
It is important to note from the radio show that your husband's obsession with his career is a gigantic threat to your marriage, even without the affair. By not exposing to his employer and by letting your fear govern you, you are sending the clear message that protecting his career from the just consequences of his actions is more important to YOU than preserving the marriage. You are also sending the clear message that his supporting your career is more important than the marriage, too. Anything that comes before your marriage will ultimately destroy it. Whether that be his career or yours, either way, your marriage will die. So, if you think the pursuit of your PhD is any kind of a way of coping with his career priorities, you had might as well just give up. I know something of what I speak. Both my wife and I have professional degrees. I have a PhD in electronics engineering and my wife has a MLS in library science. Because it was the best choice to recover our marriage from her affair, I had to retire early from my career. If I had acted otherwise, I doubt we would have recovered. Your marriage has to have the top priority, and you have to show that in your actions.
me-65 wife-61 married for 40 years DS - 38, autistic, lives at home DD - 37, married and on her own DS - 32, still living with us
Affairs are like icebergs; the visible part is only a small piece of what is usually there.
Birdy-I couldn't agree more with Mr. Eureka that affairs are like icebergs. I think there is a WHOLE lot more to this relationship than you know yet. It's gone far enough that he's telling her he loves her and has told you he's finished with your marriage (and if I understood right, is STILL telling you that even after this weekend's events). How will you feel if down the road you learn that this is a physical affair and is even more entrenched than you think it is and you didn't do everything you could to fight it?
If they weren't work contacts, the exposure to the boss might not be such a big deal. But the boss is the only person that has the power to eliminate their contact through work.
I discovered MB a year after the discovery of my husband's EA. I wish I had come here first...there are mistakes I could have avoided making. You were fortunate enough to have one of the world's foremost experts on infidelity (Dr. H) coaching you through this and you're throwing away his valuable advice and direction. Many betrayed spouses on this forum wish they could have had the direction you did and avoided costly mistakes. It's sad to see you being offered such extraordinary advice and not taking it seriously.
Take this advice. You have nothing to lose at this point. Your marriage is already over if you don't expose anyway, so you might as well do it and see what happens. The worst case scenario is that the boss does nothing (which happened to me) in which case, you are in the same boat you are in now.
I also recommend internet exposure of the OW on shesahomewrecker or cheaterreports or something like that. Make sure just to post the facts (no names, no embellishment) and send that to her work contacts for good measure.
